Hi guys. I understant that such title may be controversial, but it’s a really painful case and I just want You to hear me out on this, just listen and draw Your own conclusions. It is a very long story even though I did all I could to condense it into readable ammount. If it’s still too much, I highly appologise but I just want Y’all to have a look at bigger picture do to speak…
So… For about 4-5 years I have been in pretty casual relationship with one guy, yet we started to get attracted to eachother mutually around 3 years ago… Long story VERY short, we were always painfully honest with eachother. He told me things that if they were to leak out could even threaten his carrear and family life but we always had this trust between us… You know to the point of us actually know when we get to bed to sleep and when we wake up each day almost XD Then one day he just dissapeared. Without a single word if explanation or goodbye… He had deleted all of his accounts and when I have found he had yet another profile, I tried to gently text him just to ask if everything is allright but days, weeks went by and I got no answer… I wrote to few people who I know worked with him in the past so maybe they will know sth, but again I had recieved no answer. Moreover, when I decided to check my messages again, I only got notified that he blocked me off without even writing anything back… I did a really stupid shit then… I was worried, scared and hurt but it doesn’t justify my actions for which I take full respinsibility for… What I did was awful, evil, selfish, shitty, stupid and irrational and I acknowledge all of it, trust me. I wrote to one of these guys again… I… Told him everything… Ok… Maybe not really everything but I certainly told him far too much… But back then I was so blinded and in pain that I couldn’t really think straight… Deep inside I knew I would regret sending this message, but I did it anyways… I felt used and left alone and maybe these ferlings ran my irrational actions… Long story short, he got to know about my last message to his friend (though he promised me that he will never show it to anyone, but whatever. I know he deserved to know and I deserved to get my ass kicked) and… Essentially he called me all possible names, called me crazy, stalker, traitor, mentally ill and just blocked me off, never listening to any of my appologies…
I admitt that was major breaking point in my life… Quite literally almost, as the lever of hate I holded towards myself through a year after this time, constantly switching between need to end my own damn life and fighting with my own body organs to not do the same thing to me (survival instinct or whatever Idk but somehow it kept me alive to this day) making a victim out of him, and villain out of myself only. Needless to say I wastn’t thinking very clearily back then.
But I still decided that if I fucked things up maybe I still can save HIS good name? I wrote to all these ppl again, once more, just this time appologising and saying that all I confessed before was a lie just to get attention. I guess I made it much more believable than the real story, as they all seemed to buy it without second thought. And I am not suprised. Giving who that man was, my second narrative seemed to be far more logickal and down to Earth… But still… It did not made me feel any better. One of our actial mutual friend told me all anout wjat tjat guy wrote to him when he merely mentioned my name… How he started freaking out and calling me insane and dangerous, claiming I am stalking him (nice stalking when he himself repeated over and over how much he loves to contact with me) spamming his mailbox with thousand long messages (which he himself said he LIKED, even once telling me to ot even appologise for them, that he supposedly enjos reading them, though I really tried to tone them down and keep as condensed as posible) and generally being amnoying and unbearable crazy chick he never had, nor ever wants to have, anything to do with…
I caught myself crying almost 24/7, constantly having only negative thoughts about myself, like a goddamn mantra repeating in my head “i’m sorry, i’m so sorry [his name]”… It was like a nightmarish trance I couldn’t wake up from. Because I trully loved him, it hurted THAT much when he threwn me away. I remember it as if it was yesterday, me laying in bed, suffrocating on my own tears, with cramp in my heart strong enough to actually make me think “ok, now I’m really dying”. It hurted so much I was sure the pressure will win over the muscle and it will just stop beating once and for all… Part of me wanted it… Idk why I haven’t died that night… That was legit physical pain that I am sure would be pretty much readable on cardiographs if I was linked to one… Maybe my subconscious need to survive was stronger? Idfk to be honest, but somehow I lived… or more like I vegetated on till last year when I’ve met a being I trully mutually fell in love with and whose love took away all that pain I’ve endured… Made me want to live again… For us…
But the scar remained wether I like it or not… I may just be a sensitive person emotionally, but though I don’t feel anything towards this guy from my past anymore, the way he treated me - befriended, bonded, claimed to love and always be there for me no matter what… and then just leave me like if I was a bottle of water one can just drink and then throw away to trash can… It hurts to this day and I am sure we all know why… I forgave him… It took me long to forgive myself but I finally had done it too… I want to forget about it, tear the page and move on but… Please… for a second… put Yourself in my place… imagine it all happening to You all at once… How do You feel? How do You think I felt?..
I don’t want to kill him or curse him or anything like that. To deserve such punishment one have to be really evil and heartless and he was just a dick too absorbed in himself. I do not wish him wrong… All I want is… For him to realise what I went through… I want him to feel what I have been feeling. Every single thought that went through my head, every single twitch of my heart, all my emotions… Only to make him realise how horrible trully was what he did…
And no. Don’t tell me shit about karma, cause I know this shit is not real. If You want to keep making people passive over injustice, make out something more reliable as I know many really evil people who live peacefully to this day thining they did nothing wrong even if many die because of them… It is not up to some “karma” or “universe” to bring justice. It’s only up to US. And it’s also up to us if we use it wisely or not and get burned playing with fire. But for reaction to take place, there have to be an action first. Our action. Universe will never magickally punish evildoers for all their crimes, if it was so, none of them would be walking the world today and as we know there is too much “weed” in the world… I do not wish this guy any evil. All I want is to make him realise that what he did was wrong, no more and no less. Please… I hope You’ll understand me
I’m so sorry.
I’m done reading it,
Painful it is 
As I’m a beginner on BALG.
I dont know what to suggest u,
But some experienced will for sure 
I read the whole lot. Paragraphs makes it much more easier and stylish as people feel reluctant reading big walls of text with no spaces in between paragraphs. Not trying to be pedantic, mind you.
You are suffering from love. Love is a psychological sickness. Have you seen the things we do out of love? Or what others have done? Half the time it’s fucking crazy. You my friend are stuck in loop.
You’re also being obsessive, being fixated by the thought that you are correct, somewhat a victim, and that karma has no meaning to you… so you don’t have to mention karma or universe returning what was sent out. Just calm your shit, you seem like the type to push things furthermore than it should just for the fact you want to force something. Just go and jinx him and call it a day.
I have let it go and trust me I am not “victim”.
We both fell victim to our stupidity. We both acted out of our emotions knowing all too well that it won’t end well.
I was feeling so down through this time not because I felt myself as a victim, in fact I hated myself and wanted to commit suicide not out of “omg i have nothing to live anymore” shit, but because I legitimately hated myself. I thought myself as a person who actually deserved to die. In my mind, clouded my pain, hate and fear, he was the victim, and I was the “bad one”, the whore, the traitor he claimed me to be…
It took time to forgive myself and see clearer.
I am over this for now… I see both of us went overboard and neither of us played fair. He acted like a dick towards me and I acted like a bitch towards him, so on this we are pretty much worthy of eachother. I am no more “victim” that he is and I know it all too well. If this is how You interpreted my message, I sincerely appologise as it was not my aim. Please, forgive me this musunderstanding…
I am starting to think that maybe… just maybe… if he left me with no word and then did everything to prevent me from contacting him, maybe he never felt for me what he told me he felt… But if this is what he wanted- why didn’t he just write it or text me, or say it to me face to face? Why did he preffered to ran away and making me all worried? He is around 41 or 42 now and this shit happened just few years ago… You know… If he wanted us done, I would bite the bullet and move on with this. But instead of it, he started acting as if he never knew me and to this day I don’t know why did he chose to act the way he did and that seems illogical to me… Idk maybe You have some idea on why did that happen, I admitt I am just too dumb to figure out what was on “author’s mind” back then… Maybe this is just how he is, if so I can see why did he got divorce before…
You see… If I was to break down with someone who was there 4 me and supported me for years before we were even together, I would be honest with them. I will just tell them straight away and try everything for our relationship as people who used to see eye to eye, to not completily fall down because of it… I cannot imagine how and why someone would act the way he did and yet I don’t hate him, I just pity him… You… Know why, right? 
But I agree with You and I thank You from the bottom of my heart for what You wrote here 
it means alot to me. It is indeed a time to sober up. Thank You
Thank You very much for Your kind words it means alot to me
Stay strong 
I see I should. I still have what to live for in this word. Thank You
It’s my 3rd day here, trying to learn as much as i can
We all need to learn. We learn our entire lives 
I was about to try tonight working with lucifer,
But im in doubt and decided to learn more.
U good ?
Soft and vegenence don’t go in the same sentence.
Focus on yourself Success is the greatest curse for enemies.
Yes but I’m so sorry 
I don’t know much about Lucifer 
I haven’t worked with any demons yet
I agree with You 100000%
I wonder the psychology of what went on in his head to suddenly cut you off , it seems cold, it’s not a rational thing to do , he seems like a volatile person , maybe it’s best it happened ,
Yes… I think so too… To this day I wonder why he did what he did, but I no longer hold any major emotional attachment to him anymore. At least not like it was during my 1st year after it happened 
It’s possible maybe something in his career or life wasn’t going the way he wanted and maybe from his perception he saw you interfering just my guess
I thought so too It actually would make sense, but if this is what he ment, he should’ve just tell me that. I would be ok with it. Maybe I would cry for a while and then went like “ok he doesn’t want me, but someone someday will”, as my grandmother used to say to me “guys are like buses. If one drove away, another will approach soon”. But what he did almost led me to a suicide and I’m not going to pretend it’s allright… The way he just cut it all off and then talked shit about me behind my back was certainly NOT a way that I expected a man of his age to act, though I do admitt that what I have done in response wastn’t any better ethically speaking… To this day I regret what I did but… maybe it’s really better this way…
Oh well right live and learn , time to forget it and manifest what u want
Indeed. And so I do. This was certainly a harsh lesson for me to learn. Thank You.