Shakti Rising: My journey from Survivor to Overcomer

[anon97554939]

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and resting since I started working with Shatki Rising. I’ve received messages and confirmation from all over that my focus should be my home and my hearth, my family and loved ones.

A few months ago that was something I had just always done, but it has seemed lately like everything in life has had me focused elsewhere, and not on what really matters.

Returning my focus to my home and loved ones has helped me a lot in calming down my mind and worrying less. When I’m doing the things that I know are appreciated and others love about me, it usually feels good, they usually notice and like me they have been frazzled around the edges from all the going ons, that we had no idea about.

It’s been impossible not to notice how I react to things without the proper context to be reacting the way I am, how I judge and compare myself to others… even in really stupid ways. I’ve noticed myself not caring as much about my own actions or even lack of them as I should. Just because someone else doesn’t do what I think they should, or does something I think they shouldn’t- ultimately I have been worried about what’s going on around me, more than about what I’m doing.

Like walking down the street and noticing that after I walk by a pair of females that I don’t know at all, are laughing.

Or when someone stares a bit too long.

I have no idea what’s going on, if these people even see me or if they are lost in their own thoughts. How is it that I jump to the worst possible thought, without even having any context?

I used to be so good at this, for example reminding my husband that everyone has blind spots when they drive, most people legitimately don’t cut others off, sometimes people don’t know the area etc, when we are in the car.

The exercises designed to help with realizing Kali and the teachings within this first Mahavidya, are not real difficult. I’ve worked through them a few times.

Both exercises are designed to teach us about how time is not linear, our mind reacts based on memories and original experiences are not the same as remembered ones- we call up a memory it replaces the original experience and the original experience does not actually occur again, the future is never actually here now even while we think of the future.

The idea is to bring awareness to the fact that all of the thoughts we have, actually happen in the current moment, even if the thoughts refer to the past or to the future, because reactions can only be in regards to things from the past or the imagination.

Focusing on your own actions, and being aware rather than reactionary, is supposed to help us work our way out of this self dug hole.

Somedays, someone should remind me of these things! Guess that is the point of practicing though.

[anon97554939]

The next Mahavidya is Tara.

I’m less familiar with her, but her energy feels warm and comforting to me. Maybe this is simply what I expect based on the given descriptions.

A deeper state with more time spent, is required to be sure I’ve not front loaded myself on this feeling.

The first exercise is to basically attune yourself to her energy and see what you notice. The next exercise involves contemplation. Despite everything we’ve each been though in life, the ups and downs and all of the changes and growth, back tracking and heartbreaks- one thing remains the same, and it’s the fact that we are.

We were there through all the things we went through, no matter how scarred or blessed they left us. Our wants and needs may have changed along the way, but somehow we were there and here we are.

The idea, I think is that most of the things we label our self as, or identify as, are just that- labels and desires and we are not actually these things.

Want and knowledge fuels us to take actions, which then lead us to obtainment and on we go to define ourselves as mothers, workers, magicians- you name it and someone claims it as something which they are.

It seems like a natural thing to me. Most people still consider themselves parents even after their kids have kids, at least where I am from. It’s like a permanent badge of honor, once you’ve earned it. But is that badge of honor holding me back somehow?

Well I’m not going to get into what I know from personal experience here, I’ve had to answer this specifically in a round about way for myself not too long ago. But man. These badges of honor sure can hinder us, and I’m not really sure the author intended to go quite here, but while I’m here…

Sometimes these things are things we value to much. How many times have I done something because I didn’t want someone else to think I was a bad parent, or bad wife or a bad worker or whatever you throw into that word slot.

It still kind of goes back to reacting out of place but… sometimes, particularly if your tapped in- you know what’s expected of you.

If you know what’s expected, then to contemplate, let alone do, anything contrary can put a person into a downright negative spiral of feeling like shit and having no good way out.

We are taught to be humble, and we don’t even have a good concept of righteous selfishness- so it’s all too easy to let others walk upon us- in order to keep these nice little badges of honor that our so important to us and our pride.

I ended up being willing to walk away from some of my badges of honor, because of the ill will harbored towards for me and my future. If I had taken time to think my actions through rather than acting, I’d have done the same damned thing.

The only difference is I would have worried about who would think what, about my decisions. As it was I did hear a few comments about whether or not I was sure or knew what I was doing.

I have managed to overhear since the events, that while these individuals questioned me at the time, in hindsight they’d have taken the same actions. Hang on, the next line is a ride…

Doesn’t this mean, if I had worried about those words, with which I identify who I am to others with, matter to me and my situation-I’d have made the wrong decisions or at minimum, unduly mentally stressed myself about others opinions?

Maybe we could use a few less identifiers in life.

[anon97554939]

I am actually struggling to chant om, for any duration of time. This isn’t surprising to me, I’ve always found it easier to chant something with a few more syllables. As such I’ve not spent much time on the seed or bija or whatever the correct term is for the real simple mantra sounds.

Somehow it is still a little surprising to me, because I’ve managed to do quite well with more complicated mantras. I thought the self discipline applied there, would make picking up the neglected sounds, on their own easier.

The fact that it hasn’t makes me definitely question my first energetic impression of Tara. I feel like raising the energy of om, if it truly is related to her, in this context would allow me to connect to her, but without the front loading from what I read.

I could be wrong, for sure but somehow I thought it was viable test, even if I’ve not managed to complete it.

I’ve always desired deeper understanding, but I guess it has only been recently that I’ve actually pursued it. Usually focus has had to be on something or someone, be it because I was a young mother, working, homeless or whatever and now… not so much. I can chose how I fill my hours, or to sleep because I just don’t feel like filling it.

This makes sense to me, despite the fact I don’t normally work with the chakras. Energetic and aura healers often talk about how our past can get tangled up in our energy system or aura and can manifest physical ailments and all sorts of malady.

Yep. Magic isn’t real, spirits aren’t real unless their dead and most people won’t believe that either and only crazy people see things that aren’t real.

I think I get this concept here alright and how it’s touched my life.

Okay, this is where I get stuck. I mean if I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone, anywhere… well… maybe I’d do some things differently.

Probably not, I tend to not do the wrong thing, I don’t care if I can get away with it or not if it’s wrong. But the rest of this…definitely touches on a large part of the issues I’ve been having.

[anon97554939]

I woke up grouchy today. I actually went to bed grouchy, because understanding that my reactionary thoughts are what they are, and not doing it- are not the same deal.

My husband was excited, he caught fish with some new gear and couldn’t wait for me to go out with him, for a second trip, that he original said he didn’t need…

And I had been napping and not feeling, and I was hungry and can’t you wait just till I eat because I swear I’m not chasing down behind you like a puppy dog…

So I was grouchy, despite it not being a bad day, not being his goal to disgruntle me, hell he just wanted to include me.

I sat in a rock and read a book while he fished, trying to latch myself into the “Om” and finding myself still struggling.

Struggling not to be irritated at things that are ridiculous. So my hairs not brushed, and I’m wearing my shorty shorts. It’s hot out and I probably look no worse than anyone else at the river… right?

Well, till some kid driving his moms car, calls out nice ass as he drives by, on our walk home.

Now I’m really irritated. More than old enough to be his mom, even if I don’t look like it, rude man. But mostly I’m kinda ashamed because I’m the one out in public not properly dressed.

I know my husband and I disagree here. He thinks I’m young and sexy and should dress that way… and I think… I look silly and like a whore, like I don’t know how to dress for my age or whatever.

I can come up with dozens of these labels for the sexy clothes, and really it comes down to confidence combined with what life told me I had to do, or what I could afford to do- moneys always a factor when it comes to clothes. A factor I’ve not always had in my favor.

I struggle to realize, that a pair of white capri leggings, with a white textured bra that accents my black tank top, is not really all that crazy sexy nor does it leave you severely exposed. In fact it’s all nicely cut- fitting but modest.

I also to struggle, looking at myself in the mirror, wearing these clothes with just a splash of eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara and not feeling…

Too dressed up. Out of place, like I don’t belong.

My frumpy mom clothes though, man. I feel good in those. Sweatpants and something comfortable on top.

So why is it that when I look good and I’m getting compliments, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and hide because I don’t feel like the words match me.

How did I go from at least wanting to have nice clothes and a man that appreciates me in them, to be embarrassed having those things and receiving that recognition?

How does having what I wanted, cause me so much inner turmoil?

I’m not really sure, but I can see how my excuses, are mostly things I was taught, or otherwise impressed upon me, and not actually anything to do with the clothing or myself.

As a side note, I am rereading Relaxing into your being, and came across this:

It does remind me of my two really phenomenal experiences, at least in part.

This confirms to me that I understand the goal is to have this state of connectedness all of the time. Honestly that kind of scares me. In some ways I feel like I could drop right back into that state, semi intentionally- at least with practice. Turning off the minds thoughts is something I thought I was doing well, a few months ago.

Ultimately I think I have to admit I kinda fear this state, regardless of knowing it’s pretty much the goal of most spiritual practices in some way shape or form, stated or as a hidden faction behind closed doors. It seems many of us don’t even realize this is the ultimate goal, even though it may be alluded to, pretty much everywhere. It took me a while to get it, and understand what was meant- I pretty much had to experience the connectedness to have a clue.

I’m scared however, because of the unknowns. What if I don’t know how to protect myself as well as I think, or what if this or what if that. Both of my experiences were somewhat frightening, even though the second was not nearly as much so as the first.

It is similar to the fear I once harbored of the astral. My experiences with this haven’t even been that bad, just different and scary enough to trigger some internal warning meter.

Somedays I think wow, doing so well Ket, and other days? Wow, how does my mind conjure up so many issues.

[anon39079500]

@anon97554939

It seems many of us don’t even realize this is the ultimate goal

Most people still think you have to be the wholely enlightened asshat in a cave to move on. You don’t. You have to use THIS part of you to learn the lessons the REST of you needs to move on. Everything else is gravy.

[anon97554939]

This makes sense to me. I can value However people got there, and there are quite obviously there are tried and true methods. Taking most any path deep enough would lead to the same spot also, it seems?

But I didn’t use those and only truly started practicing as of Oct 2018, which means I am still at the point of gaining years instead of decades.

I think however, that may become a new norm someday in the future, the younger ones seem to tap into all sorts of things easier, but also seem to lack a built in compass, so idk.

I guess I’m just agreeing, that each persons path isn’t invalid just because they didn’t do some ridiculous required action of the past, that may only have originally been symbolic or similar anyways. (Obviously not true with many things also)

If that makes sense…

[anon97554939]

I guess, that at some point I have to admit that I am looking for miracle like fixes, for something that needs at least a little practice.

I’m like that newbie, looking for just one more simpler spell that will bring my love, fix my income, repair my family and get me a brand new car- preferably with the wrong colored candle, on the wrong day in the wrong hour of something horribly contradictory to my goal.

I did better last night with Om, than I have thus so far, but I still found myself in the wrong mantra a few times. As such, I’ve not been properly executing the next exercise with this Mahavidya. I keep think it’s simple enough that I’ll do it for a few days in a row, once I’ve mastered my Om delimma.

Seeing as how my husband woke with a bad case of way worse grouchies than I had around midnight, I found myself delving deeper into Relax into your being, by Bruce Frantzis.

I previously began working through the book, and have its companion as well as several other by the same author. I never committed beyond a few days of practice however, I tend to suck at starting new habits and sticking to new routines.

Now that I am really considering taking either tai chi or chi gong, as a disciplined practice (I think maybe it will help me keep a better work routine) I think I have come full circle and fully and truly realize…

What a dumb fck I am.

I understand most of the material covered so far and how to apply it and that it takes practice and I’m all but running for the finish line because it will get easier again…

But not only is it an ongoing thing-forever, (shadow type work always is right?) but also the faster I get to the recovering this fcking mental issue, the closer I will be… to what I fear.

To be fair I realize the fear is based on two tiny glimpses, under weird circumstances that likely won’t ever reproduce themselves…

But just in case, I’m still scared.

It seems, the thing I find to do for things, is always the same. Meditation, Awareness of the energy and where it is, let it dissolve basically and since that leads to the other scarier stuff…maybe I can get over my fear and accomplish the goal all in one hop skip and jump- and it won’t be all that awful?

Or something like that maybe? Lol

[anon97554939]

I am hungry. Rather I have been constantly hungry since roughly late Monday evening/early Tuesday morning. It’s actually pretty strange for me.

There’s a lot of reasons being hungry is strange to me. For one, I rate stupid high on that empath scale. I’m also a mom, a housewife and the eldest sibling of those that know each other. My dad also had heart issues and agent orange cancer in his later years.

That’s without getting into the years of holding a job, and sometimes a part time job too, so my kids could have practically nothing come birthday and Christmas time- because it’s just really hard to do everything, on one income, even with a job and a half.

It’s always been my job to take care of everyone else. Whatever I need has often had to be put aside. Dirty diapers, someone bumped their head, errands to run, groceries to buy. We all know as a mom it can be challenging to get a moment to breathe, especially without some help.

Then we could talk about the years I wasn’t allowed to care about me, about how a 20oz Pepsi was too big of a deviant from the budget I shouldn’t have had to meet alone, let alone with someone else dictating it.

But that’s not where the problem started. It actually all started in my childhood.

No surprise there right? I had good years as a small child, then rough years when my parents divorced. Then I lived with my dad a few years, then he did what he had to and left me to fend for myself. Another 17 years and you find me where I am today roughly.

The years after my parents divorced were some of the hardest of my life, but yet so long ago they are hard to remember at times without triggers, the kind of things you find in those books filled with memories about how someone thinks they are special for their trials and maybe, maybe it will help someone else that they suffered.

I hope that for me too, even though I don’t think I will ever write a book. I’d rather journal, journaling helps me and well, I do hope my struggles help someone else hit their ahah moment, even if I don’t count on it.

Ramble train, didn’t realize we got on you. Sorry, at any rate, I rarely feel hungry and it ultimately stems from the years after my parents divorced, when I lived with my biological mother.

You see she was bat shit crazy. Like y’all think I’m nuts? Lol. Most people haven’t seen crazy like my mother. The sad thing is, try being 6, 7, maybe even 8, 9, 10, how about 11 years old and trying to discern what subliminal messages are, whether or not the government can implement mind control from a distance, and who might legitimately want to bug a crazy ladies house, because when she gets on more realistic topics like psychics, and seeing the spirit of her very much at the time alive sister- she didn’t seem nearly as crazy as when she was screaming at the tv she had bashed to pieces, for not getting out of her head. Or at the fireplace for moving up and down to allow a secret door below house to open, so nazis could pass through…

I’m sure your still wondering how this relates to never noticing when your body is hungry. I’m almost there.

One of the years, I think I was nine, but I might have been ten, my mother decided my dads new girlfriend was trying to kill us. Mother decided everything that came from my dad was likely poisoned, bugged or boobey trapped.

I remember seeing the trash can, filled to the brim groceries I’d helped my dad pick, at the brand new super center Wal-Mart.

I remember being selfish, when told to make half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for each of three people, because there were two slices of bread, a heel and about two teaspoons of peach jelly left.

I put more jelly on my half a sandwich than I did the other two. Peach jelly was my favorite.

I shouldn’t have, I knew I’d barely put any on the other two, and we were all hungry. That’s all there was that was safe to eat.

My sandwich was too sweet, I choked and barely was able to swallow it, I felt bad and guilty. I had done wrong and I done it knowingly.

I still feel bad. I still can’t hardly eat peach jam or jelly. My brother, who was sister then doesn’t remember it. My mothers dead and while I remember her being surprised the sandwich sucked as bad as it did, I don’t remember ever being scolded or admitting what I’d done.

I would had to sit in the corner for hours, after being belted until I had whelps that would stay for days, I had. That was the typical punishment. Sometimes it was words, I was defiant.

One time I was punished, for being mean to my sister when my sister wasn’t home. I sat in the corner for six hours that day, because well. I couldn’t keep little mouth shut about how the belting didn’t even hurt, and what kind of mother punishes her child for something she couldn’t have been doing…

At any rate. I’m working on the exercises for become aware of the situations that may be contributing to physical pain, energetic blockages- vasannas, I believe it’s called in Shakti Rising. The things that cause us to react to things later in life basically. I’ve managed to do the exercise at least once per day since Monday night.

I know that’s not long, but it’s long enough to notice I am hungry. I am feeding myself, more than usual because of it. I can’t help but think, they since this memory keeps coming up when I’m doing the energy work, and I am finding myself suddenly insatiably hungry- that the two must be related.

I have already been giving effort to this most days anyways, it’s most struggle point and since I’ve been real sick recently, I’ve been trying harder most days than not. But it can be real hard to eat when nothing sounds good and you just aren’t hungry- especially when the only reason you would normally cook is gone for a day or two here and there for work.

I obviously can’t imagine that insatiable hunger will stay forever, but it does remind me of when I was younger. I ate three slices of pizza for dinner last night, and I didn’t space it out over hours. I was just that hungry and I bet I haven’t been that hungry since my youngest was born, and I was breast feeding still.

I imagine it’s a positive sign nonetheless. I know my body is still recovering in many ways from the things it’s been through, so to show real hunger for the first time in years- that’s got to be positive.

Feeding myself, has got to qualify as self love so- I must be making progress here, somehow- even if I can’t discern the how’s or why’s of the moment.

[anon97554939]

Somehow, I already forgot my other consideration on the hunger. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s not coincidence the childhood memories come up, every time I work exercise number two for Tara. It’s roughly the same energetic spot every time, so if it is coincidence, it’s a weird one.

But I’ve also been contemplating what it means to be hungry out of the blue.

For one, my bodies obviously been healing over the past few months and needs fuel. For two I’m doing pretty heavy energy work, sleeping lots in response and that probably also could spurn a slight hunger.

But what about growing pains?

@anon39079500

Papa Legba: She is going through her metamorphosis. Let her. Help her".

Well, I’ve reached out to Samedi, a time or two and I’ve reached a familiar wall of silence. As such, I’ve not really contemplated this quote.

I figure it’s somewhat my fault, I’ve had a real low tolerance for trickster spirits the last year, I’ve not invited any into my new home, I’ve established hard boundaries on it and I’ve failed to allow allowances, for those who are tricksters in their words, but not their actions.

I have however queenly been aware of the hunger and pondering it’s source.

When I’m working with my exercises, I remember the and childhood things. When I ponder it at random, out of meditation scenarios- well. My mind keeps coming to this metamorphosis statement ignored.

I ignored it because I got it, I assumed it was true without being told. Every summer since I began to walk my path, I’ve had some sort of awakening experience.

The first year my sight was uncontrollable. I struggled to see the physical I knew was right in front of me. The next year it was hearing. Then I received what seemed like upgrades to both.

All of these times, my senses went uncontrollably wonky, I felt like I was loosing my mind, help was nowhere to be found but in my rock like companions, steadying me along the way.

Each time was pretty rough for me. I wanted to throw in the towel, for surely I could not handle the insanity as well as the trauma. How could any of this begin to be real. I am easily mind blown.

But even more, each time then lead to the most productive period of magical endeavors I had experienced yet.

So the back of my mind, has expected from the first sign of struggle, that perhaps this was just another cycle in my development. Just another period of leveling up for me, on whatever personal scale is mine- so to speak. I don’t really consider this… news or anything cool really- it’s just part of progressing and think we all have our personal little level up schemes and they are own, not everyone else’s.

I can’t however fathom, why it would be summertime that it seems these things happen for me. Is it because I get out in the sun, and take longer showers because it’s not freezing? This is the first year in years, I’ve gotten in water outside (and I’ve only gone wading in to my thighs twice)- so it’s not that.

Maybe it’s my personal preplanned agenda. I have no real ideas on it, nothing that doesn’t sound like trying to find a needle in a haystack, at least.

I also didn’t notice an increase in hunger the other times. But I did see a reference in Relax into your being, about metabolic rates and it being important to advance to until they had adjusted.

I can’t find it offhand now, recall the exact context and I apparently didn’t screen shot it either not will kindle allow me to search the format of the book I have.

Either way, I suppose it’s possible (though I can’t prove nor disprove it clearly) that the hunger is related to healing, and growing- at the same time.

[anon97554939]

I guess, that like many of my friends I am closing a chapter in this page of my book.

I am not leaving, but this part of my journey has in some ways paused. In the ways it hasn’t, I won’t share here because it doesn’t make sense to.

I don’t want to remove my content and hurt the people I aimed to help when I wrote it. I can see from the page views that Luna has been seen by more eyes than we have public replies for.

To take any of that back, might prevent someone who really needs it from having it. So I can’t do that, it wouldn’t be right.

But I also won’t be able to continue sharing without breaking the forums copyright rules unless I just make short summaries of my own work… so that doesn’t make sense either.

So I am not leaving, but some of my capacity here no longer makes sense. Like there are threads I can’t participate in because of conflict of interest so, I pretty much bow out of those too.

But I’m still here, and I’m still trying to help when it seems I have something relevant, but more and more it seems I don’t.

[anon97554939]

@anon97554939

Everyone had realized I was Keteriya Black and it was like the paparazzi in a movie. I paused and seemed to have a million thoughts all at once, but at the same time took action. I’ve done similar in real life so the action wasn’t even enough to make me aware I was dreaming.

I pulled a blanket out of nowhere and wrapped it around my shoulders. Then it grew larger as I tossed it around the shoulders of my companions. Like a symbol they were with me, mine. We walked toward the stairs which I apparently didn’t realize was an escalator. I didn’t fear until it was an awkward step on and I felt the whoosh of the blanket as it smacked me in the back and ripped off my companions shoulders.

At the top of the escalator, I noticed the floor again, and that it was a strange escalator because the ride was to fast, but mostly I noticed my sexy high heeled shoes against the vct tiled floor and the super short black skirt I was wearing. It didn’t register that that was not really my brand of sexy until I woke up, perhaps because my blood brother was reaching the top of the actual stairs and was telling me the companion wasn’t going to be with us. They were maybe minorly injured, not gravely at all and it had nothing to do with me, but they would not be going forward.

Ah, I had awareness of how a recent endeavor would turn out before I went into it. Naturally I hoped it wouldn’t turn out this way, but I can’t pretend I was surprised when it did.

I want to note, before I get too far into it, that when I dreamed this I really couldn’t fathom ever being in a position where people in real life might recognize me.

However, one turned into five, which turned into three and soon two equates to only me.

You don’t have to get it, it’s a real hard one for me too, but somehow I ended up exactly where I set out to, without meaning to- and I am ahead of schedule to boot.

Now that it’s only me, my household of three is fully behind me, in ways I never expected. Suddenly my husband is sharing and validating me through his personal experiences, and I am meeting those whom empower and validate my work and purpose. It’s strange, but I’m taking it all in and going with the flow. It’s less hard to see how I might be recognized in the future now.

I’d say I am right on track, and more than happy to let by gones be by gones.

However, clearly not everyone can be adult, admit what they’ve contributed to going wrong and or do the right things. I personally aim to do the right thing in everything I do, to the best of my ability. It sucks when someone hinders that ability, but ultimately if you provide an opportunity to someone and they refuse it, it’s not your fault.

And that is how I live my life.

So am I surprised to find myself woke in the middle of the night, by a dead spirit telling me that someone I know has put out a hit on me, and they are sourcing it through a local nearby cemetery?

Not really. Not considering the people involved have no idea when they are out powered, but at least I tried to warn them. Now when their little minions show up, and blow the whistle…

Sadly for the sender they didn’t even need bought out. I just made it clear that they could do what they wanted, either attempt to harm me and mine and cease to exist, or take your merry little asses back where you belong and leave me alone.

Leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. If you insist on being stupid, well rest assured I have no mercy for the blind and stupid who can’t even employ the methods they preach to others.

Sorry don’t mean to be rude, I just already know exactly where my will to live lies, and what I’ll do if my livelihood is threatened.

Most people don’t seem to get it however, so I can only imagine that was simple wave one of let’s see if we can annoy Keteriya. That’s okay too, I like to wait, and build up my case before I take justified vengeance and really turn it onto those who deserve it when they least expect it.

Sometimes months and years after the offense. But sometimes life takes care of these things before I get around to it too, and I am okay with that. I am not out there looking for war and battles or prestige and honor from being the biggest asshat.

I’m really just out here, doing my best with what I can to help everyone else do what I am and that is take this life and make it their own, so woe to the idiots who won’t let well enough, be well enough.

Because surely they will reap what they sow, be it by my will or of another’s.

[Multix]

The letting go of your ego sounds like when you take a large dose of psychedelics and you get Ego death, it is scary and you try hold on to reality but once you let go its bliss and it really does make your mind shine and correct problems.

The same principle really and again its a spiritual experience that I bet is putting you into a quick contact with your high self as you always end up with spiritual experiences on things like that a lot.

Mine was interesting in that regard. As I felt my heart beating faster and faster and then go slower all of a sudden to feeling like I was no longer breathing or alive yet wasn’t scared. Then this sound of like a AHHHHHHHHH and I imagined these gates opening up and then I was alone sat in infinite black space with nothing, all colours and fractal images stopped.

I then got this rush of every emotion you could feel run through me like I felt everyone’s pains and highs and what not. But I felt at ease with it, like it was nothing to fear. It then went to feeling like I could be anything and I was everything and apart of everything that existed all at once in one singular moment of time. It was like I was feeling I was God at that very moment and I could not concentrate just on one thing but I was impartial to all things but at one with them, feeling the reality but with peace and power.

Felt so connected and then I heard the noise again and it went. All colour came back and I was back sat on my bed listening to music watching things wave around. Was surreal but always stuck with me. Really changed my perception.

In that moment I was dead yet alive and existed but didn’t it was truly something you had to feel to know it.

[anon97554939]

@anon97554939

Let them know that what they are doing is making me stronger. It seems only fair.

I have suddenly had the realization that I have gone through the bulk of if not most all of my life- wearing rose colored glasses.

I have always valued the struggles in life too much for making me who I am today and placing me where I want to be.

I always thought, If I had not gone through that, I’d have never learned this and never done that and never ended up here, who I am.

But that’s not true at all! I’m going to try to explain how fucked up I realized it is.

See, the thing is I always try to find the good in the bads. People, places, situations, mistakes etc. Even when I don’t want to, when it’s not fair, when it’s not deserved. I’ve developed the habit of taking the rolls with the punches.

I’ve seen how my struggles have shaped my character, my mindset, my fears, my abilities, my sense of self worth and so on.

Yet, I’ve still been getting it kinda wrong man. I was raised Christian, with a weird variation of exposure to denominations but one teaching that came from every single church, pastor and true believer- that I’ve ever met is:

Sometimes we face trials, sometimes our faith is tested, sometimes we hit rock bottom and need help getting up again.

I was taught these are facts of life and to expect them. But not only expect them, expect them to build my character, build my personality and shape me into a better more aware, conscientious, kind, loving person.

Does anyone see where this teaching went wrong?

I know where it’s right. It’s true the struggles show and teach us thing we wouldn’t have realized on our own.

But what’s wrong with it?

How about setting yourself up to expect that you Will without option- have hardships and sometimes those hardships will be awful. Want to talk about manifesting something into your life?

This one is such a deep seated life expectation I imagine it would have been impossible for me to comprehend how significantly it’s steered the course of of my life.

I have let my expectations make choices for me, get me into bad situations and manifest struggles and hardships into my life.

I thought I couldn’t be who I am today without the struggles. I expected to struggle in order to make it.

I never realized I didn’t need the struggles to force me into being who I am and make me a better person. Man, I could have done that. I’m no different than I started at heart. The only difference from the beginning till now is what I’ve learned and how I’ve let things affect me.

And then today, I wake up and realize…

I could have become a better person on my own without the hardships. Many people do. I know despite my flaws I try to be good and do good and well. I could have done it all on own.

I just couldn’t perceive in my little peon brain that I could do it on my own.

That’s not even… all man. I sell myself short a lot in life. I let myself get worked into a corner where I didn’t believe in myself at all, like in any way.

Didn’t think I could support myself, didn’t think I could this and that and I could list for days. I have said, It’s kinda hard when everyone else believes in me more than I believe in myself.

Like, It didn’t feel right, like I’m probably just going to let someone down…See the detrimental thought pattens I spent most of life in?

As a person who knows not to dwell on what they don’t want for a long time, who tries to see the bright side and find the good in others and situations…

I sure have let myself down, failed to encourage myself, never accepted mistakes as mistakes and basically given myself the shitty end of the stick because that mentality was so ingrained into me that for a long time it became my reality.

Ultimately, I’ve been working on my mindset for a while. Maybe forever, (it sure seems like it somedays) I’ve seen amazing changes in my life.

I’ve come across situations I’ve even already lived through with different characters and made better decisions because I recognized the energy and pattern of that type of situation. I’ve manifested the foundations for my greatest desires- almost entirely magically.

Somehow I still managed to spend half of this year depressed because two different and unrelated groups of asshats truthfully never earned or deserved my goodwill and all of who I expected to eventually put on some sort of shit show.

So I expected some shit shows. I was properly rewarded with situations I couldn’t haven’t possibly seen coming until the moment they revealed themselves, just in time… to save myself.

I also apparently had a few recognizable complexes and I new question. I’ve asked it before, though I never dared to see the answer.

How much more is there that I could have?

I haven’t allowed myself to imagine let alone perceive my fullest potential possible. I didn’t think I would ever make it to a point of being able to chose. I didn’t believe I would, nor did I think my mind could handle it on the offshoot that I was wrong and I actually could.

I let what someone else might think, not feeling worthy, not thinking I’d earned it or deserved it dictate my feelings, even when did know it wasn’t true it. It was only how I felt.

The feelings were strong and I let them win.

Tldr:

If I have directly manifested the bulk of the life I want, why the flying fuck would I continue selling myself short to myself, with self-limiting beliefs?

Why the hell was I feeling bad about other peoples failures? I know I did what I was right, I know I cared and provided and shared and sacrificed.

Then when theses situations went awry- I tried to be the adult, uphold my responsibilities, not further contribute to a bad thing, I attempted to be reasonable, I didn’t have any desire for revenge. I not only survived, I had the foresight and the intuition to be aware it was likely and I still gave those people chances. Cuz no one else would, cuz it was the right thing to do, because… because because…

That’s all fine and dandy, but I think it must be about time to stop feeling bad for people who could choose, had an opportunity and willingly blew it.

The struggles I’ve let depress me for the most part this year were actually mostly just annoyances. Only a handful of situations this entire year were actually anything more than inconvenient.

[anon97554939]

There are many things in my life going well or right. Pretty much most of them, I am a can-do person so after I get done wallowing, I somehow found the way to get on with it. This approach has somehow been what got me through, regardless of what was wrong with me or life. The ability to force yourself through what you don’t want to do is, well. Hard sometimes. Sometimes it seems like the more you have to do it, the harder it is.

Other times, you wake up to the clarity you were looking for. I been living a scenario that I’ve been through at least three other times. The players are different, the motivations are different, but some of the words are exactly the same.

I already know and recognize and have recognized from the moment the situation began that this was not about me, I just happened to be going through rough times at the same time, it’s not the same person as the other times at all so the past is only a tool in so much as not to repeat my mistakes, and well. I can’t (shouldn’t and won’t) influence the other person and I can’t cause someone else to see what they refuse to see, be it double standards, a way of living or something else altogether.

So, me and my can-do attitude, have been in utter turmoil as I’ve literally tried all the tricks, I’ve done better than before and not repeated actions from my past yet somehow… the result is kinda panning out the same despite taking the stance well. The only thing I can do is work on me and what I am doing so that I’m not agitating the issue.

Yet somehow, I find I’ve turned the other cheek and kept the joy in my heart, while getting jabbed repeatedly and finding that no matter what I do I get the same criticisms, reactions, responses.

Naturally, with my can-do attitude, I just want to do whatever I can to fix it. I want to make it right, I want to, want to want to… but if the other person rejects that and you aren’t the problem, all you can do is find a way to disassociate from the negativity and realize they are clearly not ready to deal with whatever it is, you can’t force them and all you can do is be there when they need it.

I don’t think that means you should have to put up with being mistreated just because someone doesn’t realize what they are doing. I’m not a damned doormat. But I can recognize that whatever is going on isn’t about me and if I don’t understand it, maybe I don’t have to.

Otherwise, I probably need to find a way to stop letting it influence me and get back to what I need to be doing. Adding any extra emotion to what I was already trying to overcome isn’t going to help anything and I’ve already got a big project going on in the background, the Loa have come forward and presented me with a new opportunity and my practice has reached the point where I have been long been looking for the landmarks of arrival.

Not just any arrival, or even the arrival of one specific thing. I’ve been looking for the hints of the future existing in today.

That probably sounds bat-shit, so let me explain, if you’ve heard this I apologize. When I first got back from cross country living adventure in 2020 I one, experienced a time in space where the Loa responded to me, but they were so hell bent on teaching me, that I sometimes felt their usefulness was a crock full of lessons and shit.

I guess, something in me said Well. If I have to do this on my own while you watch, you aren’t going to warn me or advise me, only help as directed or ensure I get a lesson on how to… Then I will do it myself. Most of my problem was not knowing what to do, or perceiving incoming attacks so, if they weren’t going to help me stop it, or warn me it didn’t seem like help.

I will figure it out and I will learn how to be use energy and do what I want.

Well, I think and please correct me if I am wrong, but I think we just entered the year of 2023.

This year isn’t significant so much as the time, it’s been about three years since I actively called on any Loa.

You are probably still lost, so let’s go back to 2020, I’m working with the Loa and I’m trying to figure out where I am going so I can actually get there, cuz without a direction the paths a little wavy, ya know?

I learned to project and to journey and one day I experienced what my friends and I decided might have been an alternate timeline or a vision of the future, we don’t know of course- just guessing to help ease my mind.

But there were three key factors, that have stuck with me and struck some deep chord so deep inside me that I’ve been looking for hints of the future, albeit as quietly as subtly as possible, ever since.

1. The scenario become more solid and stable and less dreamlike the longer I was in it.

As above so below I suppose, don’t they say the longer you think about something the more likely it is to happen?

2. The location of the scenario was my current location, either under reconstruction or new construction. The style and layout indicate reconstruction making it more likely to be the future than the past even as my husband’s face was blurry.

So I am in the right place, even if it’s not the right time.

3. My husband didn’t know how we got there. This one is the one that has struck me deepest, yet I never really got it I don’t think until today. It struck me so deeply because I asked how we did it there was no delay and I could feel the truth in the words, I have no idea. There was an eery sort of emptiness that indicated he had absolutely no idea nor attachment to how it happened.

So this is a little contradictory to where I am in life. I’ve struggled with that because I have thought I was supposed to be leading the way. Now I see why I am not, I need him to lead the way so I have room and time to work on my project with the Loa. It’s probably the biggest self-empowerment project I’ve ever taken on.

The kicker is I even have insight as to how it’s going to work and what the spiritual mechanics are and what I need to doing for the framework. Like I have an exact layout, I just have to work with it and see if it bears the promised fruit.

This takes time and as I find that I don’t think I should need a community or a magic friend to talk to about my practices, but truth is my husband doesn’t give a shit. He’ll listen to me, but it’s like me listening to motorcycle talk. Eventually if you are not real careful you zone the fuck out.

So I’ve been fighting reality because I thought it was upside down when it’s not at all and I’ve been trying to get what I expect out of someone who doesn’t want to give it any more than I want to learn about motorcycles or big trucks. I already know this, the difference is I didn’t want a network to fill my gaps. I wanted my gaps to fill them damned selfs with what I thought they needed filled with.

It would just be easier ya know?

I mean, I may want to tell my husband all about my magical misadventures with the Loa, some ahahs-didn’t realize that spirit in a dream was a Loa, but I remember it and of course all of the news and of the details down to the empowerment structures and what fors…

But it’s still not interesting to him and I’m still going to end up needing a test group, before I can present this material public. This is going to be different than other ways we work with the Loa, keeping in mind what I’ve learned and the struggles I went through over safety, race, worship, possession and just about all of it when they first approached me.

I now understand some things they did or said previously. For example, did you know it took me until 2 days ago to realize while Baron Samedi first appeared as St. Sebastian when he and Kalfu originally invited me to work with them.

I mean that’s years man. Fun fact, I had been secretly practicing hoodoo for about 7 months.

I never put it together despite putting together it was Baron Samedi and he told me he approached as that aspect due to my fear of demons and things.

Somedays, I just miss things even when they should be obvious, others I fight things because I want to them to fit into my little box and view.

[anon97554939]

Sammy Kershaw - Better Than I Used To Be

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can’t count the people I’ve let down
Or the hearts I’ve broke
You ain’t gotta dig too deep if you wanna find some dirt on me
But I’m learnin’ who you’ve been ain’t who you’ve gotta be
It’s gonna be an uphill climb
But honey I won’t lie
I ain’t no angel
But I’ve been sittin’ out a few more dances with the devil
And cleanin’ up my act little by little
I’m gettin’ there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

That’s right. Better than I used to be and I’ve never even been that bad of person, I just let people make me believe I was, even when I was doing right. Just because someone thinks something doesn’t mean it’s who I am or what I did. They can think it all they like.