Shakti Rising: My journey from Survivor to Overcomer

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and resting since I started working with Shatki Rising. I’ve received messages and confirmation from all over that my focus should be my home and my hearth, my family and loved ones.

A few months ago that was something I had just always done, but it has seemed lately like everything in life has had me focused elsewhere, and not on what really matters.

Returning my focus to my home and loved ones has helped me a lot in calming down my mind and worrying less. When I’m doing the things that I know are appreciated and others love about me, it usually feels good, they usually notice and like me they have been frazzled around the edges from all the going ons, that we had no idea about.

It’s been impossible not to notice how I react to things without the proper context to be reacting the way I am, how I judge and compare myself to others… even in really stupid ways. I’ve noticed myself not caring as much about my own actions or even lack of them as I should. Just because someone else doesn’t do what I think they should, or does something I think they shouldn’t- ultimately I have been worried about what’s going on around me, more than about what I’m doing.

Like walking down the street and noticing that after I walk by a pair of females that I don’t know at all, are laughing.

Or when someone stares a bit too long.

I have no idea what’s going on, if these people even see me or if they are lost in their own thoughts. How is it that I jump to the worst possible thought, without even having any context?

I used to be so good at this, for example reminding my husband that everyone has blind spots when they drive, most people legitimately don’t cut others off, sometimes people don’t know the area etc, when we are in the car.

The exercises designed to help with realizing Kali and the teachings within this first Mahavidya, are not real difficult. I’ve worked through them a few times.

Both exercises are designed to teach us about how time is not linear, our mind reacts based on memories and original experiences are not the same as remembered ones- we call up a memory it replaces the original experience and the original experience does not actually occur again, the future is never actually here now even while we think of the future.

The idea is to bring awareness to the fact that all of the thoughts we have, actually happen in the current moment, even if the thoughts refer to the past or to the future, because reactions can only be in regards to things from the past or the imagination.

Focusing on your own actions, and being aware rather than reactionary, is supposed to help us work our way out of this self dug hole.

Somedays, someone should remind me of these things! Guess that is the point of practicing though. :thinking:

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The next Mahavidya is Tara.

I’m less familiar with her, but her energy feels warm and comforting to me. Maybe this is simply what I expect based on the given descriptions.

A deeper state with more time spent, is required to be sure I’ve not front loaded myself on this feeling.

The first exercise is to basically attune yourself to her energy and see what you notice. The next exercise involves contemplation. Despite everything we’ve each been though in life, the ups and downs and all of the changes and growth, back tracking and heartbreaks- one thing remains the same, and it’s the fact that we are.

We were there through all the things we went through, no matter how scarred or blessed they left us. Our wants and needs may have changed along the way, but somehow we were there and here we are.

The idea, I think is that most of the things we label our self as, or identify as, are just that- labels and desires and we are not actually these things.

Want and knowledge fuels us to take actions, which then lead us to obtainment and on we go to define ourselves as mothers, workers, magicians- you name it and someone claims it as something which they are.

It seems like a natural thing to me. Most people still consider themselves parents even after their kids have kids, at least where I am from. It’s like a permanent badge of honor, once you’ve earned it. But is that badge of honor holding me back somehow?

Well I’m not going to get into what I know from personal experience here, I’ve had to answer this specifically in a round about way for myself not too long ago. But man. These badges of honor sure can hinder us, and I’m not really sure the author intended to go quite here, but while I’m here…

Sometimes these things are things we value to much. How many times have I done something because I didn’t want someone else to think I was a bad parent, or bad wife or a bad worker or whatever you throw into that word slot.

It still kind of goes back to reacting out of place but… sometimes, particularly if your tapped in- you know what’s expected of you.

If you know what’s expected, then to contemplate, let alone do, anything contrary can put a person into a downright negative spiral of feeling like shit and having no good way out.

We are taught to be humble, and we don’t even have a good concept of righteous selfishness- so it’s all too easy to let others walk upon us- in order to keep these nice little badges of honor that our so important to us and our pride.

I ended up being willing to walk away from some of my badges of honor, because of the ill will harbored towards for me and my future. If I had taken time to think my actions through rather than acting, I’d have done the same damned thing.

The only difference is I would have worried about who would think what, about my decisions. As it was I did hear a few comments about whether or not I was sure or knew what I was doing.

I have managed to overhear since the events, that while these individuals questioned me at the time, in hindsight they’d have taken the same actions. Hang on, the next line is a ride…

Doesn’t this mean, if I had worried about those words, with which I identify who I am to others with, matter to me and my situation-I’d have made the wrong decisions or at minimum, unduly mentally stressed myself about others opinions?

Maybe we could use a few less identifiers in life. :woman_shrugging:

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I am actually struggling to chant om, for any duration of time. This isn’t surprising to me, I’ve always found it easier to chant something with a few more syllables. As such I’ve not spent much time on the seed or bija or whatever the correct term is for the real simple mantra sounds.

Somehow it is still a little surprising to me, because I’ve managed to do quite well with more complicated mantras. I thought the self discipline applied there, would make picking up the neglected sounds, on their own easier.

The fact that it hasn’t makes me definitely question my first energetic impression of Tara. I feel like raising the energy of om, if it truly is related to her, in this context would allow me to connect to her, but without the front loading from what I read.

I could be wrong, for sure but somehow I thought it was viable test, even if I’ve not managed to complete it.

I’ve always desired deeper understanding, but I guess it has only been recently that I’ve actually pursued it. Usually focus has had to be on something or someone, be it because I was a young mother, working, homeless or whatever and now… not so much. I can chose how I fill my hours, or to sleep because I just don’t feel like filling it.

This makes sense to me, despite the fact I don’t normally work with the chakras. Energetic and aura healers often talk about how our past can get tangled up in our energy system or aura and can manifest physical ailments and all sorts of malady.

Yep. Magic isn’t real, spirits aren’t real unless their dead and most people won’t believe that either and only crazy people see things that aren’t real.

I think I get this concept here alright and how it’s touched my life.

Okay, this is where I get stuck. I mean if I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone, anywhere… well… maybe I’d do some things differently.

Probably not, I tend to not do the wrong thing, I don’t care if I can get away with it or not if it’s wrong. But the rest of this…definitely touches on a large part of the issues I’ve been having.

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I woke up grouchy today. I actually went to bed grouchy, because understanding that my reactionary thoughts are what they are, and not doing it- are not the same deal.

My husband was excited, he caught fish with some new gear and couldn’t wait for me to go out with him, for a second trip, that he original said he didn’t need…

And I had been napping and not feeling, and I was hungry and can’t you wait just till I eat because I swear I’m not chasing down behind you like a puppy dog…

So I was grouchy, despite it not being a bad day, not being his goal to disgruntle me, hell he just wanted to include me.

I sat in a rock and read a book while he fished, trying to latch myself into the “Om” and finding myself still struggling.

Struggling not to be irritated at things that are ridiculous. So my hairs not brushed, and I’m wearing my shorty shorts. It’s hot out and I probably look no worse than anyone else at the river… right?

Well, till some kid driving his moms car, calls out nice ass as he drives by, on our walk home.

Now I’m really irritated. More than old enough to be his mom, even if I don’t look like it, rude man. But mostly I’m kinda ashamed because I’m the one out in public not properly dressed.

I know my husband and I disagree here. He thinks I’m young and sexy and should dress that way… and I think… I look silly and like a whore, like I don’t know how to dress for my age or whatever.

I can come up with dozens of these labels for the sexy clothes, and really it comes down to confidence combined with what life told me I had to do, or what I could afford to do- moneys always a factor when it comes to clothes. A factor I’ve not always had in my favor.

I struggle to realize, that a pair of white capri leggings, with a white textured bra that accents my black tank top, is not really all that crazy sexy nor does it leave you severely exposed. In fact it’s all nicely cut- fitting but modest.

I also to struggle, looking at myself in the mirror, wearing these clothes with just a splash of eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara and not feeling…

Too dressed up. Out of place, like I don’t belong.

My frumpy mom clothes though, man. I feel good in those. Sweatpants and something comfortable on top.

So why is it that when I look good and I’m getting compliments, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and hide because I don’t feel like the words match me.

How did I go from at least wanting to have nice clothes and a man that appreciates me in them, to be embarrassed having those things and receiving that recognition?

How does having what I wanted, cause me so much inner turmoil?

I’m not really sure, but I can see how my excuses, are mostly things I was taught, or otherwise impressed upon me, and not actually anything to do with the clothing or myself.

As a side note, I am rereading Relaxing into your being, and came across this:

It does remind me of my two really phenomenal experiences, at least in part.

This confirms to me that I understand the goal is to have this state of connectedness all of the time. Honestly that kind of scares me. In some ways I feel like I could drop right back into that state, semi intentionally- at least with practice. Turning off the minds thoughts is something I thought I was doing well, a few months ago.

Ultimately I think I have to admit I kinda fear this state, regardless of knowing it’s pretty much the goal of most spiritual practices in some way shape or form, stated or as a hidden faction behind closed doors. It seems many of us don’t even realize this is the ultimate goal, even though it may be alluded to, pretty much everywhere. It took me a while to get it, and understand what was meant- I pretty much had to experience the connectedness to have a clue.

I’m scared however, because of the unknowns. What if I don’t know how to protect myself as well as I think, or what if this or what if that. Both of my experiences were somewhat frightening, even though the second was not nearly as much so as the first.

It is similar to the fear I once harbored of the astral. My experiences with this haven’t even been that bad, just different and scary enough to trigger some internal warning meter.

Somedays I think wow, doing so well Ket, and other days? Wow, how does my mind conjure up so many issues.

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Most people still think you have to be the wholely enlightened asshat in a cave to move on. You don’t. You have to use THIS part of you to learn the lessons the REST of you needs to move on. Everything else is gravy.

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This makes sense to me. I can value However people got there, and there are quite obviously there are tried and true methods. Taking most any path deep enough would lead to the same spot also, it seems?

But I didn’t use those and only truly started practicing as of Oct 2018, which means I am still at the point of gaining years instead of decades.

I think however, that may become a new norm someday in the future, the younger ones seem to tap into all sorts of things easier, but also seem to lack a built in compass, so idk. :woman_shrugging:

I guess I’m just agreeing, that each persons path isn’t invalid just because they didn’t do some ridiculous required action of the past, that may only have originally been symbolic or similar anyways. (Obviously not true with many things also)

If that makes sense…:thinking::woman_facepalming:

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I guess, that at some point I have to admit that I am looking for miracle like fixes, for something that needs at least a little practice.

I’m like that newbie, looking for just one more simpler spell that will bring my love, fix my income, repair my family and get me a brand new car- preferably with the wrong colored candle, on the wrong day in the wrong hour of something horribly contradictory to my goal.

I did better last night with Om, than I have thus so far, but I still found myself in the wrong mantra a few times. As such, I’ve not been properly executing the next exercise with this Mahavidya. I keep think it’s simple enough that I’ll do it for a few days in a row, once I’ve mastered my Om delimma.

Seeing as how my husband woke with a bad case of way worse grouchies than I had around midnight, I found myself delving deeper into Relax into your being, by Bruce Frantzis.

I previously began working through the book, and have its companion as well as several other by the same author. I never committed beyond a few days of practice however, I tend to suck at starting new habits and sticking to new routines.

Now that I am really considering taking either tai chi or chi gong, as a disciplined practice (I think maybe it will help me keep a better work routine) I think I have come full circle and fully and truly realize…

What a dumb fck I am.

I understand most of the material covered so far and how to apply it and that it takes practice and I’m all but running for the finish line because it will get easier again…

But not only is it an ongoing thing-forever, (shadow type work always is right?) but also the faster I get to the recovering this fcking mental issue, the closer I will be… to what I fear.

To be fair I realize the fear is based on two tiny glimpses, under weird circumstances that likely won’t ever reproduce themselves…

But just in case, I’m still scared.

It seems, the thing I find to do for things, is always the same. Meditation, Awareness of the energy and where it is, let it dissolve basically and since that leads to the other scarier stuff…maybe I can get over my fear and accomplish the goal all in one hop skip and jump- and it won’t be all that awful?

Or something like that maybe? Lol

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I am hungry. Rather I have been constantly hungry since roughly late Monday evening/early Tuesday morning. It’s actually pretty strange for me.

There’s a lot of reasons being hungry is strange to me. For one, I rate stupid high on that empath scale. I’m also a mom, a housewife and the eldest sibling of those that know each other. My dad also had heart issues and agent orange cancer in his later years.

That’s without getting into the years of holding a job, and sometimes a part time job too, so my kids could have practically nothing come birthday and Christmas time- because it’s just really hard to do everything, on one income, even with a job and a half.

It’s always been my job to take care of everyone else. Whatever I need has often had to be put aside. Dirty diapers, someone bumped their head, errands to run, groceries to buy. We all know as a mom it can be challenging to get a moment to breathe, especially without some help.

Then we could talk about the years I wasn’t allowed to care about me, about how a 20oz Pepsi was too big of a deviant from the budget I shouldn’t have had to meet alone, let alone with someone else dictating it.

But that’s not where the problem started. It actually all started in my childhood.

No surprise there right? I had good years as a small child, then rough years when my parents divorced. Then I lived with my dad a few years, then he did what he had to and left me to fend for myself. Another 17 years and you find me where I am today roughly.

The years after my parents divorced were some of the hardest of my life, but yet so long ago they are hard to remember at times without triggers, the kind of things you find in those books filled with memories about how someone thinks they are special for their trials and maybe, maybe it will help someone else that they suffered.

I hope that for me too, even though I don’t think I will ever write a book. I’d rather journal, journaling helps me and well, I do hope my struggles help someone else hit their ahah moment, even if I don’t count on it.

Ramble train, didn’t realize we got on you. Sorry, at any rate, I rarely feel hungry and it ultimately stems from the years after my parents divorced, when I lived with my biological mother.

You see she was bat shit crazy. Like y’all think I’m nuts? Lol. Most people haven’t seen crazy like my mother. The sad thing is, try being 6, 7, maybe even 8, 9, 10, how about 11 years old and trying to discern what subliminal messages are, whether or not the government can implement mind control from a distance, and who might legitimately want to bug a crazy ladies house, because when she gets on more realistic topics like psychics, and seeing the spirit of her very much at the time alive sister- she didn’t seem nearly as crazy as when she was screaming at the tv she had bashed to pieces, for not getting out of her head. Or at the fireplace for moving up and down to allow a secret door below house to open, so nazis could pass through…

I’m sure your still wondering how this relates to never noticing when your body is hungry. I’m almost there.

One of the years, I think I was nine, but I might have been ten, my mother decided my dads new girlfriend was trying to kill us. Mother decided everything that came from my dad was likely poisoned, bugged or boobey trapped.

I remember seeing the trash can, filled to the brim groceries I’d helped my dad pick, at the brand new super center Wal-Mart.

I remember being selfish, when told to make half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for each of three people, because there were two slices of bread, a heel and about two teaspoons of peach jelly left.

I put more jelly on my half a sandwich than I did the other two. Peach jelly was my favorite.

I shouldn’t have, I knew I’d barely put any on the other two, and we were all hungry. That’s all there was that was safe to eat.

My sandwich was too sweet, I choked and barely was able to swallow it, I felt bad and guilty. I had done wrong and I done it knowingly.

I still feel bad. I still can’t hardly eat peach jam or jelly. My brother, who was sister then doesn’t remember it. My mothers dead and while I remember her being surprised the sandwich sucked as bad as it did, I don’t remember ever being scolded or admitting what I’d done.

I would had to sit in the corner for hours, after being belted until I had whelps that would stay for days, I had. That was the typical punishment. Sometimes it was words, I was defiant.

One time I was punished, for being mean to my sister when my sister wasn’t home. I sat in the corner for six hours that day, because well. I couldn’t keep little mouth shut about how the belting didn’t even hurt, and what kind of mother punishes her child for something she couldn’t have been doing…

At any rate. I’m working on the exercises for become aware of the situations that may be contributing to physical pain, energetic blockages- vasannas, I believe it’s called in Shakti Rising. The things that cause us to react to things later in life basically. I’ve managed to do the exercise at least once per day since Monday night.

I know that’s not long, but it’s long enough to notice I am hungry. I am feeding myself, more than usual because of it. I can’t help but think, they since this memory keeps coming up when I’m doing the energy work, and I am finding myself suddenly insatiably hungry- that the two must be related.

I have already been giving effort to this most days anyways, it’s most struggle point and since I’ve been real sick recently, I’ve been trying harder most days than not. But it can be real hard to eat when nothing sounds good and you just aren’t hungry- especially when the only reason you would normally cook is gone for a day or two here and there for work.

I obviously can’t imagine that insatiable hunger will stay forever, but it does remind me of when I was younger. I ate three slices of pizza for dinner last night, and I didn’t space it out over hours. I was just that hungry and I bet I haven’t been that hungry since my youngest was born, and I was breast feeding still.

I imagine it’s a positive sign nonetheless. I know my body is still recovering in many ways from the things it’s been through, so to show real hunger for the first time in years- that’s got to be positive.

Feeding myself, has got to qualify as self love so- I must be making progress here, somehow- even if I can’t discern the how’s or why’s of the moment.

Somehow, I already forgot my other consideration on the hunger. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s not coincidence the childhood memories come up, every time I work exercise number two for Tara. It’s roughly the same energetic spot every time, so if it is coincidence, it’s a weird one.

But I’ve also been contemplating what it means to be hungry out of the blue.

For one, my bodies obviously been healing over the past few months and needs fuel. For two I’m doing pretty heavy energy work, sleeping lots in response and that probably also could spurn a slight hunger.

But what about growing pains?

Well, I’ve reached out to Samedi, a time or two and I’ve reached a familiar wall of silence. As such, I’ve not really contemplated this quote.

I figure it’s somewhat my fault, I’ve had a real low tolerance for trickster spirits the last year, I’ve not invited any into my new home, I’ve established hard boundaries on it and I’ve failed to allow allowances, for those who are tricksters in their words, but not their actions.

I have however queenly been aware of the hunger and pondering it’s source.

When I’m working with my exercises, I remember the and childhood things. When I ponder it at random, out of meditation scenarios- well. My mind keeps coming to this metamorphosis statement ignored.

I ignored it because I got it, I assumed it was true without being told. Every summer since I began to walk my path, I’ve had some sort of awakening experience.

The first year my sight was uncontrollable. I struggled to see the physical I knew was right in front of me. The next year it was hearing. Then I received what seemed like upgrades to both.

All of these times, my senses went uncontrollably wonky, I felt like I was loosing my mind, help was nowhere to be found but in my rock like companions, steadying me along the way.

Each time was pretty rough for me. I wanted to throw in the towel, for surely I could not handle the insanity as well as the trauma. How could any of this begin to be real. I am easily mind blown.

But even more, each time then lead to the most productive period of magical endeavors I had experienced yet.

So the back of my mind, has expected from the first sign of struggle, that perhaps this was just another cycle in my development. Just another period of leveling up for me, on whatever personal scale is mine- so to speak. I don’t really consider this… news or anything cool really- it’s just part of progressing and think we all have our personal little level up schemes and they are own, not everyone else’s.

I can’t however fathom, why it would be summertime that it seems these things happen for me. Is it because I get out in the sun, and take longer showers because it’s not freezing? This is the first year in years, I’ve gotten in water outside (and I’ve only gone wading in to my thighs twice)- so it’s not that.

Maybe it’s my personal preplanned agenda. I have no real ideas on it, nothing that doesn’t sound like trying to find a needle in a haystack, at least.

I also didn’t notice an increase in hunger the other times. But I did see a reference in Relax into your being, about metabolic rates and it being important to advance to until they had adjusted.

I can’t find it offhand now, recall the exact context and I apparently didn’t screen shot it either not will kindle allow me to search the format of the book I have. :woman_facepalming:

Either way, I suppose it’s possible (though I can’t prove nor disprove it clearly) that the hunger is related to healing, and growing- at the same time.

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