This is going to be a journal of my personal journey working through this particular book. Roughly two years ago, I found myself drawn to mantras. I spent a dedicated time, learning how to not only use them to raise energy, but as well as how to direct the energy raised and was rather pleased with my results.
I absolutely loved utilizing mantras in my life and knew that while it was not time then, eventually I would return to their use. I even had an encounter with one of the deities in which they could not do what I had asked, but instead told me that they had cut a digestive issue out of my life that would have killed me.
Under recent circumstances, this memory has been recalled to my mind more than a few times. I had heard and dismissed it, thinking if that was removed, I’d never have to experience it. Weeks before I did experience it, I felt the call back to mantras.
It took me a while to find which mantras were right this time. I wasn’t interested in subjugation mantras anymore. I was interested in personal protection, development, and basically deepening and strengthening what has been going strong, all on its own without my help. I took a few from different sources, but primarily from Shakti Mantra’s by Thomas Ashley Farrand. I didn’t learn much more about technique, but he had the mantras my heart was calling for.
Fast forward to a few days ago, and you would think I was living the dream.
Well actually I am. My problem is that I am living the dream. Like the dream, you know that one imaginary play thing, that you longed for as a kid more than anything? The one you believed in before the world told you that you couldn’t have it? Yeah that dream.
I’ve taken this shitty assed life, that I was destined to live due to bad choices and circumstances, and I have quite literally manifested into my life the exact thing that when I was 12 years old, I would have given everything to have.
I have proven to myself time and time again, that this energy/magic/spirit thing is not just all in my head, to the point that everyone important in my life not only knows I practice magic but that they actually believe in my abilities to cause things to happen and situations to open up. I’ve not tried to, it’s just happened, even while I am still not confident talking about it, in person.
I’ve had so much proof that magic and spirits were real that it has blown my mind at times, knowing that I could take this life and make it my own, what I wanted. So how is it that the day after a big win, I’m emotional, sad, scared and doubt filled? I mean wtf chuck?
It was somewhat easy to set aside my doubts about what I can do and who I can become, when those were things that were unrealistic. It was easy to do work I didn’t expect to come through when it was impossible.
I was raised to hide, to not let anyone know, that what I could do wasn’t real, that what I saw wasn’t real, it was all in my head and no one would ever believe it, let alone embrace it, respect it, understand that it was a part of me and not crazy and… I could go on, but I think I got it covered here so that it is an understandable concept. At least to all of you from similar cultures and backgrounds.
If you throw into the mix doubting myself because I made choices to do things and be with people, that I knew was the wrong choice for me, but I didn’t think I was strong enough to make the right choice… How about the years I believed what was said to me, about me by an awful person whose recent actions have me at times downright paranoid…
Paranoid. In my own home, in the life I chose, where I go out of my way not to bother anyone and yet this individual managed to penetrate my inner sanctuary and nearly succeeded in wrecking my world. Where exactly should I find the confidence, that they are going to finally move on and make someone else their lifelong project to fck with. Like for real.
I’ve got the life I want, but what if I can’t maintain it. What if I make a bad decision, do the wrong thing, trust the wrong person…
Yeah. See what I mean? I’m going in circles- because that’s exactly how my mind works with this particular subject at this particular time in my life.
The problem is 100% me. The things that were done wrong to me shouldn’t have been done. But they were, and honest to god if anyone thing changed, any one thing- I would not have been precisely poised to be stopped on the street when I only went to purchase smokes, on the exact same day, same time that my husband walked out of the barber shop across the street. A man I’ve known 15 years, when tarot has repeatedly indicted someone from my long past would return to me, (but we were never even close to deep friendship let alone intimate then) that I had just inquired about two days before…
I mean come on. I don’t care what kind of lucky coincidental bullshit you believe in or want to apply here, this is my journal right? So I’m saying what I believe, not what you should believe. I believe that somehow, I had to go through all of that past to be right here where I am today, taking this life and making it my own. I think it’s not coincidence that I recognized my now home the moment I stepped into it as this mans friend, from projection. But that’s just what I think. You’re entitled to your own thoughts of course.
So I am right where I am supposed to be. Yet I had all these doubts, all these worries- immediately after realizing that I am quite literally the only thing standing between me and anything I want to do. Be it my bad shitty lungs, or my fears- there is nothing outside of me to prevent me from doing it. I just have to take the actions (which knowing which actions for sure brings other uncertainties…) Whatever it is, it comes from me if it’s in my way now.
That is so very clear. The morning after having all these ridiculous thoughts hit me at once, instead of in a manageable fashion, I woke up to an intense energy to the right side of our bed. I was alone, but the energy was so strong I felt as if it quite literally was rousing and raising me up. I woke up half sitting up, to this energy and a man’s voice, who sounded strangely like my father…
YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.
I immediately decided if that was the message, that whatever it was meant me no harm, and dropped back down into bed, rolled to my left side and slept. Then of course I had to ask myself the right path for what… even though I know what specific question it related to. I still had to ask man, knowing isn’t everything when it comes to comforting yourself. Knowing the truth is only half the battle. Learning how to accept and embrace it is the rest.
That’s why we are here today, this is my journey to not only know what it is true in my life, to not only survive through the past- but to embrace it, to accept it, to Overcome it. To be who I am supposed to be, who I want to be, and not who this life’s circumstances destined me to be.