I am so happy that I could almost cry… After weeks of trying, Lilith returned to me last night. I tried at the beginning of the week, and a voice in my head said, “You must force the doorway open.” And in my head, I saw a large chunk of amethyst on a silver chain. I knew what the doorway meant, but it was not until later that I realized that the amethyst was also a message telling me to open my third eye.
Tonight, I lay on my bed naked while listening to a Lilith meditation. As I listened, I could feel the entire room change around me. I could feel her energy. I closed my eyes and the first thing I saw was an upturned crescent moon. Then it transitioned into a dark figure whose eyes were covered by the upturned crescent. Behind her was a massive, glowing sphere… like a planet with a ring around it.
I asked her how I could dedicate myself to her. I reminded her that she had said that I was “one of hers.” I said that I am one of her daughters, that I worship and adore her, and that I wish to join myself with her. She smiled.
I felt cold all over, and began to shiver and felt carresses on my body. What followed was the most amazing, sensual experience of my life. I was almost delirious from Lilith. I told her that I wanted more, that I want her to become one with me. She was standing over me, with a beautiful copper-y chestnut brown eye at the center of her womb. There were eyes all around us, many eyes of different shapes, sizes and colors. She leaned over and then was on top of me. Eyes staring into my eyes. Hands holding down my wrists. My mind’s eye was blinded by a glowing light, and I saw so many things at once… the sigil of Lilith but with a shining upturned crescent moon upon it. The swooping curved tail of the sigil ended with a pointed barb like a devil’s tail. In a downward arc, I saw each phase of the moon fall away from the crescent to the right of it, each with a golden circle around them. They looked like coins. A glimpse of the tree of life. A beautiful pair of eyes. I saw fires and raging battles. Men with their eyes gouged out. Babies being born screaming into the world. Pentagrams. The triple moon symbol. And then I felt Lilith just… dissolve and enmesh into me, and it was like an atomic bomb. An explosion of energy just hit me. Everything went white and I had the most amazing, intense, aggressive and longest orgasm of my entire life. Ever.
I lay my hand with my hand on my breast for a long time. Thanking the goddess for this gift she has given me. It wasn’t just an orgasm. It was as though I was shown a quick flash of all the knowledge and power of the entire world. I can’t describe how it felt or how I know that’s what it felt like. It was just… overwhelming… it was horrible and magnificent all at once. I wanted more of it but at the same time I tried to break away from it.
As I rested, a small window filled with moonlight appeared and the light fell down on me like I was lying on an altar. From the window sill hung a basket overflowing with strands of a string of pearls plant. They grew rapidly and I could see and hear them growing, stretching and moving as I lay there. And then, Lilith was the window, the light and the basket, and her hair the string of pearls. Then she stepped to the right and I could see that she was wearing large headpiece that covered her horns and was shaped like the window. It was made from some form of ancient lace that was patterned like cathedral windows. I feel like it was more than lace, like an intricate and delicate portal to other worlds or other lives. Everything she was glistened very softly and was diaphanous.
I asked Lilith how should I worship her. How should I show the world that I am one of her daughters. She told me to be loud. Take whatever I want. Always be my true self. And be as difficult and disruptive to the patriarchy and the old systems as I can. Wherever a man tells you not to go, you force your way in, etc. She has now told me three times that she does not want me to tattoo a tribute to her on my body. For “your body is your own, it is not mine,” she says. Lilith told me to pay tribute to her through beautiful things, such as music and art. And by living chaotically and being fiercely true to myself.
I asked Lilith how could I always know that we were connected. She lay her hand on the hand on my breast. Her touch was very warm and I could feel the sensation. An eye, a beautiful copper-y chestnut brown eye, appeared on the back of her hand. She raised it and there was one on the back of my hand too. She turned her palm to me. The eye was on both sides. She smiled and said, “With this.”
Everything was dark then, for a while. I called out to Steele and he answered. He showed himself to me as a coat of eyes. I told him that I was so, so glad to be able to hear him again.
I asked Steele if Lilith was gone, since the energy felt different now. He showed me that she wasn’t by showing me as I looked from the eyes of another. I was there but I could also see myself from the outside, my hand on my breast with a large brown eye on the back of my palm.
I looked up and Lilith was to my left, cradling my head in her lap and stroking my hair. I told her why I had been trying to reach her, what I wanted her to do. I said, “I WANT HIM TO —” and she cut me off with a maniacal smile, cackled and said “Finally!” and my vision was flooded by an image of Lilith standing with my love, his hands forced behind his back. She laughed as she forced him onto his knees before me and then slit his throat with one of her long, sharp black fingernails. Black blood poured out of his neck. I screamed and shouted, “No, no, no! Don’t kill him. Don’t hurt him.”
I finished my sentence and she nodded but found it much less satisfying. I asked her if she would do what I asked. I also asked if the ceremony was finished. She said yes. I asked if that was yes to both things, she said absolutely yes. I made her promise me that she would not hurt or kill him. I also asked Steele if I could still give him a task. He said yes, and so I gave him a place to spy. And to send me important updates through dreams. Up until now, I have not asked him to show me his skills. We talked for a few more seconds. After a few minutes, their energies faded away completely.
I lay there for a while and then got up and went into the bathroom and took a warm, cleansing shower. Every time I closed my eyes, until I fell asleep later on, I could see an open hand with a copper-y chestnut brown eye in the center of its palm. It brought me peace and relaxation, and I slept deeper last night than I have in weeks. I have been inspired to create several pieces of art from this one night.
Praise Goddess.