Feeling a little frustrated today. In the past three weeks, I’ve had two decks of tarot cards and a deck of oracle cards go missing in the mail. Each time, they were delivered and disappeared somewhere after that. I’ve reported it to my leasing office and we aren’t sure if the packages are being stolen or if they’ve been delivered to the wrong building.
It’s beginning to feel like something doesn’t want me to have them.
Last night I tried to summon Bael. I believe I was successful, but there were several interruptions from my kittens and also from loud noises by my upstairs neighbor.
I cast the YouTube video of the enn chanting from my phone to the television so that I could gaze at the sigil more comfortably. That worked very well last time and again last night. I was lying down on the sofa for the duration of the experience.
The sigil turned blue and began to glow. When I closed my eyes, it was still there in my mind’s eye. There was a golden glow in the shape of an eye, and the sigil was at the center. The sigil changed shapes. It became the body of a man. A woman with her face looking down and her long hair flowing up towards the sky. Then two people holding hands. Lovers having sex. Also, the scales of justice. And once, a fish in the center with either two rods crossed behind it or it was pierced by two crossed swords.
I began to ask Bael to help me see him and hear him. That I wanted to be able to communicate more freely with him and the other spirits.
I felt like the connection was fading, and then suddenly my head turned sharply to the right. And there was a black void off in the distance. A purple light was swirling off of it and connected to me. In my head, I shouted to it, “Bael! Help me! Help me see you.”
There was a heavy sensation in both of my legs, and they both were trembling and then became rod straight with toes pointed down. It was exactly like someone had grabbed both ankles and was pulling, trying to drag me somewhere.
This was the first time I lost the connection. I started focusing on the sigil again and got it back. This time it wasn’t as strong. I joked to Bael that there would be fewer interruptions if he could get my kitten to get off the top of the sofa. Not a minute later, the kitten came down like I wanted, but not how I wanted. The kitten jumped square into my ribs, disrupting my connection again, and then both kittens had a frantic case of the zoomies. Haha, good one Bael, you showed me.
I got the connection back again. This time I saw the head and shoulders of a handsome, chiseled elder man with shoulder length white hair and a white beard. The face began to fall away and it became a skull. The skull began burning and long horns grew out of it. The smoke from the flames made the shadow form of a cat. There was a sound of laughter that was also reminiscent of shrieking.
There was a stern but kind voice of an elder man in my head that said, “Yes, my child. But what is it that you really want?”
A stream of visions came through my head. Me and the man I love laughing and joking. Him holding me and stroking my hair. The way he buried his face in it and told me how good I smelled. Making love. Falling asleep. Just existing together.
I asked Bael again if he would help me, but our connection was cut again by my upstairs neighbor being extremely loud and dropping something heavy. I couldn’t get the connection back. But I realized that I the entire time, from the time I saw the old man’s face, I had been smiling and feeling peaceful.
I am going to keep trying to establish a stronger connection so that Bael can teach me and help me going forward. And I praise him for coming to me and showing himself to me last night.
Wow. What an evening!
14 days ago, I used my pendulum board under the full moon and asked the spirits “Will I see results in 1 week?” and the answer was no. I asked “Will I see results in two weeks?” The answer was yes.
Tonight, I saw a big result. The wedding ring is off again.
It was also another night he spent trying awkwardly and relentlessly to get my attention. A guy that had been competing with him over me was at the theater tonight, and we flirted a little bit. Harmless stuff. But it really had an effect on my guy.
This is a short update because I’m exhausted. I’ll post again in the morning about my 2nd interaction with Bael from last night.
Night before last, I summoned Bael a 2nd time, because our connection had been broken the first time before he told me whether or not he would help with my request.
The sigil opened much quicker that night, but my body was trembling much harder. Bael sent my kittens over to me and they lay in the crook of my outstretched legs and calmly fell asleep and stopped the trembling. He really loves my kittens, and they have never laid on me that calmly before. Again I saw the shape of a eye glowing and shining in gold color. At the center of the eye, first the sigil and then mutliple rapidly changing shapes. The first shape it changed to was a hazard symbol, then a railroad crossing, and I can’t remember the others.
I immediately asked Bael if he would help me, since he didn’t answer me before. Again, he did not answer, but rather asked me the question, “Are you sure that is really what you want?”
Visions flooded my head and this time they were all painful. They were the worst moments of this whole situation. How things happened and all the things that have come up, or the emotions that I have felt, since.
I answered several times that, yes, it was what i wanted. But I don’t think Bael wants me to truly answer that question yet and wants me to think about it longer and deeper.
He did not answer me and the connection faded out. I drifted off to sleep for a little while on the sofa, under the kitties. But the difficult thoughts and memories kept churning, even after I woke up and properly took myself to bed, and I feel haunted by them still. This weekend I will have a proper sit down and work through some of that with myself.
Bael’s energy is so amazing. He is very warm and gentle and very fatherly. I want to continue to work with him, and learn from him, and possibly make a pact with him in the future.
I love and praise Bael and thank him for shining a light on harsh truths that I need to take another look into. For not refusing me or denying me, but gently nudging me and wanting me to take more time to think.
Two nights ago, I tried to summon Bael for a third time because there are some things I want to work on getting better at. I wanted to ask him to help me learn how to do these things.
I tried for a very long time but Bael wasn’t coming. Instead, something very negative came to me. It was very aggressive and violent. It held me down and I felt like I was being choked to the point of my head, neck and shoulders being pulled upwards off of my pillow. I panicked at first an cut the connection.
I asked what entity was with me and the word “Bael” flashed in my head. I said no way, this absolutely was not Bael’s energy. I asked again. This time, the name “Asmoday” in huge bloody letters came into my head. The letters were oozing and dripping blood sort of like you’d imagine a cheesy horror movie title to do. The entity appeared in my head for a moment as a massive, black shadow with horns and glowing red eyes. It began to laugh a horrible hoarse and croaking laughter. I ended the conversation.
After a while, I went to bed. The choking began again. It felt like a huge weight was on my chest and my head, neck, and shoulders were being pulled upwards. I was choking so much I began gargling. My eyes were open and I couldn’t see anything.
A voice came to me. He sounded very egotistical and smug. Kind of like a frat bro slash used car salesman vibe. The entity said, “Hey, babe, I know exactly what you want.”
My ex’s photo popped up in my head. The voice said, “Getting it’s a piece of cake. He’s already halfway there. I’m the only one who can do it for you and all you gotta do in return is…”
I began to panic from the choking and the connection was lost. I got up and asked all entities to leave and did a cleanse and banishing.
I tried to summon Lilith the next day to confirm if Asmoday was who came to me, or to see if perhaps she was trying to test me and wanted to work with me. I felt like I could feel her, but I couldn’t keep the connection going. The same with Naamah. So I gave up. I had honestly been resistant in approaching either of these ladies for a long time. I still have some justifiable anger towards my ex, and I worried that either one would act on my anger and attack/injure my ex in some way.
This morning, I felt rested and more relaxed and refreshed. So I tried again to invoke Lilith and Naamah. I couldn’t get a response from Lilith. But I felt a connection was made with Naamah. I communicated what I wanted with Naamah this morning. Based on what happened, I feel like I was heard and she agreed to help me. However, I fear that what I was worried about came true.
Tonight, we had a theater rehearsal. While my ex was on stage, I took a moment to call to Naamah in my head. I told her “this is his name, he is the one” as I gazed at him from across the room. A little while later, my ex was standing alone on one side of the stage. A very heavy decorative prop fell and cracked him in the back of the head. It hurt him a lot but he was ultimately OK and it could have been much worse. I worry now that Naamah did that on my behalf. We haven’t had a single injury or prop fall since we began rehearsals and today one fell and injured him not long after I told Naamah that he was the one I summoned her about.
Some of the things I have petitioned for are happening right now. Things have been moving pretty swiftly. It has been amazing to see the things that I have asked for start to fall into place.
Not only has the reconciliation fallen apart, but the rings are off, and she is back to her old tricks again on social media. Painting him as a deadbeat dad (which could not be a bigger lie), and accusing him of all manners of lies and abuse. Very nasty accusations.
Our time at theater is drawing to a close soon, and there will be a couple of months where we break and I likely will not see him again during that time frame. I had been worried about losing access because I wouldn’t be able to gauge progress.
Two nights ago, I was visited by a lesser demon named Steele (or Asteel or Asteer), who has been watching me for a while and finally came to me. There’s much more detail about this in a previous post. His services seem to be spying, and he can watch anyone and tell me their actions, thoughts and feelings. He can just pop in or he can be attached to the person(s) all the time. He gave me his sigil for me to contact again, but I feel like he hasn’t left me yet.
Yesterday, on my way to work, I was thinking about what he had said to me. I was wondering about the hundreds of eyes on his torso, and if those are how he watches people. I thought maybe he affixes one of those eyes to them and that’s how he can be many places at once. He chimed in and said that it worked similar to that, but not in the literal sense.
I asked him if he was sent to me or if he came to me. He said, “Both, in a way.” I asked him who he reported to, who was in his chain of command. He said Lucifer, and I said, “That’s an easy answer. Who doesn’t rank under Lucifer?”
He seemed amused but he hesitated a bit. “I am under Asmoday.” He sensed my disapproval of that. I answered, “Really? Asmoday… or Lilith?”
My response amused him. He said that, yes, Lilith was more involved than Asmoday. That he, Steele, was neither commanded or ordered to come to me. Rather, it was a suggestion or an option that he was given to decide for himself if he wanted to help me or not help me. Steele explained that he was already here, “visiting” me when I had the issue with the aggressive spirit the other night. That tracks because I have felt him for at least a week or two now before he came forward.
Steele also seemed to confirm, without saying so outright, that Asmoday was my aggressive visitor the other night. That Asmoday was/is irritated that Lilith wanted to keep him out of fixing things for me. Asmoday feels like it needs a very heavy handed, much more destructive approach. Lilith has been watching for a while and believes that I have had too much destruction in my life, and that I need gentler forms of assistance.
I asked Steele what else does he do. He said that he does exactly what he offered to me the other night. He watches, nothing more and nothing less. He will not interfere and cannot change the course of things. He is, in a nutshell, a spy.
The eyes on his torso are not a metaphor for all the things watching me. They are a metaphor, though, for his ability to see many things at once through himself. They are also “real” human eyes in the sense that they are part of his true form, and they blink and move and cry, etc. Just like regular, human eyeballs. He reminded me that he was hideous and that the man’s face he presented was a mask for me. I told him that they’re just eyeballs, and there’s nothing too hideous about eyeballs. Steele liked that.
It’s been crazy hectic lately, and I have had no time to do anything but run and stress. Today I am thankful for two things… a day of rest and this gorgeous new tarot deck I got. After having 3 decks never made it to me, but this one was well worth the wait!!
Tonight I summoned Vassago to help me cleanse my new tarot deck and channel energy into them. My own energy and Vassago’s energy as well. I then pulled a celtic cross spread with my eyes closed and his sigil in my mind’s eye. In return, I promised to dedicate the deck to him and also every reading that I do in the future.
The first time I channeled him for the reading, his sigil changed in my mind’s eye to a tree. Then a tree with a noose. Then finally behind the tree I could see two figures that my mind said were animals… something very large and dark like a bear or ram.
After that, I called to him to come into me and stay a while and talk to me. His sigil was by far the easiest one I have ever opened. In my mind, the sigil changed shapes into the tree of life, then blood or tears dripping down a golden circle, and finally a woman’s face with tears (or blood) running down from only her right eye.
The question I asked was, “Will me and (my love’s name) be together in the future?”
The golden circle became fuzzy and white and then suddenly became white hearts drifting upwards, wispy like candle smoke. Multiple hearts.
I asked, “Do the hearts mean yes?” My body began to shake and both hands went up, palms flat out towards to sigil as though I were worshipping it, and my head began to frantically nod “yes” up and down for almost a whole minute. Then my hands came down and clutched my chest over my heart.
I asked, “Is there anything I need to do now to facilitate this future outcome?”
He sent me images of a very old grandfather clock ticking. In my head I heard, “Only time, child. All in good time.”
I asked, “There’s nothing else I should do?”
The voice said, “It is already done.”
There was another smoke heart, but over top of it was the thin shimmer of a rainbow.
I thanked Vassago, restating my offering of the cards, and sent him on his way with peace, love and gratitude.
Last night continued to be an amazing experience. I don’t think I could ever write enough words to truly capture and describe it. Some things happened simultaneously and crossed over each other. At one point, four entities were with me at once.
After I posted last night, I suppose my thoughts began to wander about Vassago’s message. I was thinking, “How can I tell if it’s a message from Vassago, a lesser entity masquerading, or just my own ego playing tricks on me and telling me what I want to hear?” I ran a few searches on the forum on that idea before I put my phone down and shut my eyes.
An entity appeared again in my mind’s eye. It was an old man in a long, ragged black robe. He shook me hard without touching me. My entire body shook. He boomed, “Do not doubt me. Do not doubt the truth.”
I said, “What entity is here with me now? Who holds me? Show me who you are.” In my thoughts, the name Vassago sprawled out in yellow glowing letters before him. As I heard him laugh and say, “You wish to see me?” the black robed figure pulled away his robe to reveal a laughing skeleton. He pointed a bony finger at me and said, “Never doubt what you have been given. Never doubt what I can do.”
I nodded my head and said, out loud, “I am sorry Vassago. I am truly sorry. I will never doubt you again, or the gift of truth you’ve given me. Forgive me.” The entity relaxed and released the forceful grip it had on me.
Steele’s energy was with me the whole time. I asked him if Vassago had left. He said no. I asked him if he (Steele) was with me all the time now. Steele said that a piece of him was with me all the time if he was working for/with me. I said, “Oh, are you working for me?” And he said, “I’m only waiting for you to send me where I am to go.”
I smiled, both psychically and in my mind. I told Steele that I enjoyed having him around and feeling his presence all the time lately. He seemed to enjoy that. I held out my hands in my mind’s eye and he put his in mine. I remember asking, “Steele, would you like to have sex with me?”
He smiled but then grew very grim and serious. “Please be careful how you make such offers. Asmodeus hears all things through me, and will act on any invitation as he so wishes.”
Steele further implied that the rougher, second time Vassago visited me was actually Asmodeus scaring me and not really Vassago. Which makes sense because it was much more like the aggressive energy of Asmodeus that I felt before.
Before I could finish telling Steele where I needed him to go, My mind was blinded by the brightest, most exquisite gold light beam I have ever seen before. It was warm and inviting, sensual and protecting, and my head fell back and looked straight up to it. Above my head was a wavering form, shaped like a vulva and as the light faded it changed into a robed woman, shaped sort of like the Our Lady of Guadalupe artwork but quite different.
As the light dissipated, she stretched out her hands to me and I knew instantly that she was Lilith. I took her hands and she came to me, knelt bedside me, enveloping me in her arms.
It was so surreal and amazing. Physically, I knew my body was lying on my sofa at my apartment. But I was also now somewhere else spiritually. I was naked in warm pool in a gorgeous grotto. The pool was filled to abundance with flowers, including water lilies and lotus. I could feel the breeze and hear the birds and insects. Lilith was lying along the edge of the pool, cradling my head to her breast. She was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Her skin was flawless and pale, almost like smooth stone. Her hair was white, and she was wearing a beautiful white gown. The gown was so white that it glowed softly and it seemed like the train trailed on forever all around her. It was like a vibrant, living painting.
“Are you Lilith?” I asked. She smiled and nodded and her smile was so wonderful and loving. Her presence was like the warmest and most tender embrace. She snapped her fingers and for a moment she was gone from me, across the grotto, and appeared as herself but with long, black hair and a skintight black dress, and long black horns. From her hair, wisps of black smoke trailed and split off, turning into blackbirds that flew away. And then, just like that, she was back to me again in white. I was beaming with joy. “I knew you were Lilith.”
She caressed my cheek and chin with porecelain hands with long, white nails. “Vassago speaks the truth. Do not worry. Your desires? I have made them come true.”
“You did these things for me? What do want in return?” My thoughts were on Asmodeus and his aggressive, pushy demands. Wanting sex as payment. And then I thought about how I worried and doubted so much leading up to this because I’ve never had my dreams answered before.
She smiled and kissed me on the lips, sensuously but firmly, while lovingly stroking my hair with one hand. “I did this for you because you’re one of mine. You’re one of my lovelies. Do you even realize how beautiful you are?”
I blushed and I could feel my eyes getting heavy and just a general relaxation spread through me. She continued, “I find those who are mine, and for those that are mine I will do all.”
“And you will not hurt him?” I asked.
She laughed, “Did you wish to hurt him? No. I have only done what you desired and nothing more. As Vassago said, it is already done.”
I lay there for a while, floating in her warm, loving embrace. Then I had another thought. “Lilith. Will you promise me one more thing?”
She answered, and she ran her fingers over my forehead and down my hair, “What, my lovely?”
“Please don’t send me any spiders. They’re terrifying.”
She laughed, “There’s nothing to be afraid of… but all right, I promise. Now, lovely, you rest…”
I grew drowsy and felt the connection fade out. I distinctly remember seeing four entities hovering over me as it left. Lilith, Asmodeous, Vassago and Steele. I lay there looking at my ceiling for a few minutes. Feeling amazing. Tingling. The next thing I knew, I was asleep… it was morning and my alarm was going off.
There is nothing else I can say except for I adore Lilith.
Praise Leraje
Praise Belial
Praise Dantalion
Praise Sitri
Praise Rosier
Praise Glasya-Labolas
Praise Lucifuge Rofocale
Praise Bael
Praise Steele
Praise Vassago
But most importantly…
Praise and worship Goddess Lilith
Everything I wanted and asked for came back to me all at once last night.
It started with a close friend confiding in me that this time my ex’s marriage was really, finally done. The reconciliation was over because my ex’s spouse cheated on him. Their relationship was vile before we met and she continues to be manipulative and abusive.
Another friend, the one who set me up with him, had disappeared on me after the two of us broke up. She came to me suddenly and apologize, telling me that she abandoned me when I needed her support and she felt awful for it. We made up and we were hugging before she left.
We all ended up at a house party together last night. I sat on the porch with my ex and a bunch of friends. Smoking weed and drinking. I was wearing my love amulet. My ex acknowledged in front of everyone that he and his failed marriage were the reason why he and I hadn’t spoken in months. Before long him and I were joking around like old times. One of our friends drank too much and was very pushy and aggressively trying to get me to sleep with him. Three times, my ex got involved to get him away from me. Three times my ex offered to drive me home, after my ride wanted to stay longer than I did. I wouldn’t let him do that because we aren’t back to that point yet. A girlfriend drove me home.
I have been taking a break from this because I have been so very busy, and have been running around and doing too much. I am physically and mentally exhausted. A much needed rest is coming soon.
My ex and I are on polite speaking terms again for the first time since March. Slow and steady, and both of us seem nervous and cautious. So much has happened and who knows what the future will hold.
I received a deck of oracle cards and another new tarot deck in the mail today.
When they arrived, I was both shocked and pleasantly surprised to see that every card in the oracle deck has Lilith’s name printed on the outside. I plan to make her an offering of this deck the next time I invoke her. I did my first oracle reading after clearing, cleansing, and charging the cards. The results of my first reading were absolutely on point… even down to pulling my ex’s water sign energy card.
When I went to put the deck back, I realized that there was a card stuck in the box… and it was my earth sign energy card! A very literal sign that I’ve been trapped by my situation, boxed in, for far too long.
The new tarot deck has the demons of the Ars Goetia on them. While I was shuffling them for the first time, the only cards that fell were cards for demons that I have invoked so far. I split the deck and shuffled a bunch of times and Belial/Judgment was in the split 6 times and fell out once! No matter where I broke the cards I kept coming back to Belial.
In this case, I believe that this is a call that I must leave the crossroads I’ve been at and make a decision, take a path… I’m still in confusion four months later and it’s taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I’ve been at the crossroads of this issue for so long that I’m afraid to move forward. My next steps must be carefully thought out and I must proceed with caution, but I must move forward all the same.
Im slowly getting back into things again. My schedule is still pretty crazy through this week, but I will be getting a nice break for a while after Sunday. I’m recharging my batteries but not quite at 100% yet.
I keep having dreams about my love. Not sure if they are messages or just representations of what I want to happen. Two of them were in this building that only exists in my dreams that I call, “The Place.” It appears to be a luxury hotel that looks like a mansion but also has stores in it. Kind of like an upscale mall. I had one dream there last month. And two this week.
In the one from a few days ago, my love showed up and ran his fingers down my leg and I asked him to stop. He smiled and whispered, “I wouldn’t want to tempt you.” Then he stopped and laid down on the sofa. We talked about what I was doing (fixing a computer) and then at one point I was leaving and he grabbed my wrist as I walked by. I said something flirty to him, and he pulled me to him and kissed me.
The next dream didn’t take place there, but a whole group of people I know from different places were going on a trip with me. Once we got there, a friend from my childhood was there and we hit it off and were reminiscing. This man was absolutely gorgeous and muscular. My love got jealous and spent the entire trip complaining and sulking. When we got back, he left something in my car, so I took it to him. He answered the door with part of his face painted white and white makeup on his hands. I gave him what he forgot, and we talked. Then he took my face in both hands and passionately kissed me.
The third dream was in “The Place” again. This time he was angry and depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “He’s gone. She’s taken him away from me for good. I’ll never see my son again.” I told him that’s not possible, there’s no way that anyone would let that happen. I tried console him but he pushed me away. Later on, “The Place” was under attack, and we were separated. Everyone was trying to survive and escape, but as it turned out, we were also trying to find and rescue each other as the building began to crumble and fall apart.
I slept very late today. In my dream, I woke up and looked outside and the sky was pitch black but when I looked at my phone the time was 1:18pm. When I finally woke up today and walked into the kitchen, the clock said 1:18pm. 
I shuffled my newest deck this afternoon to ask the cards what I need to know about the week ahead. As I shuffled, I repeatedly said, “I dedicate this deck, and every reading from it, to the mighty Vassago. Vassago the all knowing, pour the divine truth into these cards so that I might always know the way.”
As I finished shuffling, one card fell out immediately. I flipped it over. It was Vassago.
I forgot to mention in my last post… I had a party this past Saturday. Before I invited people, I asked the cards if my ex would come to the party if I invited him. I got an “absolute yes” card, and so I bit the bullet and asked him. Sure enough, he did!
Also, the white face paint he was putting on in the dream would have been for the Halloween show our theater puts on every season. It is where we met last year and it’s also the next thing on our schedule.
This weekend I had the chance to hang out with a bunch of kids. A great group of little ones. When they were going home, I noticed that one of the girls had made me a paper fan and left it laying on my purse. When I opened the fan, it was adorned with dozens of eyes. I feel like this was a message from Steele, who I have attempted to contact but I have been too blocked to reach him or anyone else lately. I just love this artwork!!
Tonight I wanted to text my ex to ask him a question about something he mentioned a few weeks ago at the party we were at. But I was feeling strangely hesitant, I guess because we are in contact but it is that weird phase where things are still strained and we’re trying not to step on any toes, etc.
So, I consulted the tarot deck that I dedicated to Vassago. As I shuffled, I said, “As always, I dedicate this deck and every reading from it to Vassago. Mighty Vassago, fill these cards with the truth so that I might always know the way.”
I asked if I should text him. The cards said yes.
I asked the deck if, after I messaged him, he’d suggest hanging out. The cards gave a maybe/cautious yes.
I shuffled and asked, “What else does spirit wish to tell me?” The first answer was a card telling me that I need to continue resting and finding my balance. Two more cards then fell together, one indicating I need to tread cautiously and the other to remember my previous pain.
So, ultimately I texted him my question, he responded about a minute later. We texted a little, and then I asked him about the weed he brought to the party a few weeks ago because I had run out of my “bedtime gummies” and didn’t like smoking the synthetic. I was asking about it, not FOR some of it.
He texted me back and told me he had something good for sleep that I could smoke (i.e. if we were to meet up), but he had his son with him tonight. I texted him back to let him know I wasn’t asking for his stash, but that I appreciated the offer.
So, this evening, I pulled out my oracle deck that I dedicated to Lilith. I asked Lilith, my beautiful goddess, to tell me what I need to know about him going forward.
The first three cards I think are pretty classic Lilith… telling me to remember my purpose, by practicing self care and empowering myself through remembering my strength.
The Air sign card is most likely his ex because of her sign. I believe Lilith is telling me to remind him that I am the opposite of her. To show up for him by reminding him of our happy memories and showing him some nurturing and compassion, and that will renew the spark. The transformation card brings about big changes in the fall season. Fall season is when they go back to court. The change/courage card with bags packed means the toxic trauma bond cycle will be broken and bring about significant changes as the cycle comes to an end.
The last three cards I believe are a reminder to me, because the Earth sign card is mine. I believe Lilith is reminding me to trust in my third eye and my own power, or reminding me that I have already been successful with it. Also, that I am going to gain more clarity and see the results of what she has gifted me through her divine intervention.
Community and giving up myself to others has been a continuing theme lately. Despite the spirits, through the tarot and the oracle cards, keep sending me signs that I need to retreat and devote time and energy to myself. Temperance, self-care, empowerment are all regular cards. And yet I keep spreading myself thin.
Last week, I did a new oracle reading and drew many of the same cards as the last time. I thought I had gotten them all in the photo, but it cut off the Divine Intervention card that came out right after the Trust Divine Time card…
I did something extremely selfish last night and got my just rewards. I set up an entire event with friends, not to spend time with them, but to see my ex. It wasn’t right for me to use them as a chance to spend time with him.
To start out, I pulled a “maybe” card when I asked the tarot if he was coming. True to form, when he responded to the invite he said he might come. Then he told someone else he was coming. Then he never showed up.
A few hours before guests arrived, I laid down on my sofa and took a rest break. Immediately, something very strong swept over me and it was strong enough to cause my entire body to shake. In my head I could see an eye, and it was an eye that changed what it looked like frequently (think human eye, drawn eye, anime eye, etc).
Images flooded my mind of my love and I passionately making love. I could feel each kiss and caress, skin on skin. I could hear our breath. I was reminded of words from my last two oracle readings. Particularly the autumn/fall card. The way it came was like a warning, like “Don’t forget the autumn season. Don’t forget the timing.”
My friends came and we had fun. My ex never showed up and never messaged. Which is fine, since he gave me a maybe in the first place.
I lay in bed again after they left and I felt sadness and disappointment that he didn’t show up. I felt a familiar twitch again, that I get when something is trying to reach me. When I closed my eyes, the spirit took hold of me and my entire body tensed up and froze and my eyes rolled back into my head. The was a glow like a white light right between the eyes. I was told, “You’re trying to rush. You cannot force divine timing. Remember… November… and be patient.”
While this was happening, images of the cards from my most recent oracle reading appeared in my mind.
I reaped what I sowed last night, and I’m writing this now so that I can remember this in the future.
I am so happy that I could almost cry… After weeks of trying, Lilith returned to me last night. I tried at the beginning of the week, and a voice in my head said, “You must force the doorway open.” And in my head, I saw a large chunk of amethyst on a silver chain. I knew what the doorway meant, but it was not until later that I realized that the amethyst was also a message telling me to open my third eye.
Tonight, I lay on my bed naked while listening to a Lilith meditation. As I listened, I could feel the entire room change around me. I could feel her energy. I closed my eyes and the first thing I saw was an upturned crescent moon. Then it transitioned into a dark figure whose eyes were covered by the upturned crescent. Behind her was a massive, glowing sphere… like a planet with a ring around it.
I asked her how I could dedicate myself to her. I reminded her that she had said that I was “one of hers.” I said that I am one of her daughters, that I worship and adore her, and that I wish to join myself with her. She smiled.
I felt cold all over, and began to shiver and felt carresses on my body. What followed was the most amazing, sensual experience of my life. I was almost delirious from Lilith. I told her that I wanted more, that I want her to become one with me. She was standing over me, with a beautiful copper-y chestnut brown eye at the center of her womb. There were eyes all around us, many eyes of different shapes, sizes and colors. She leaned over and then was on top of me. Eyes staring into my eyes. Hands holding down my wrists. My mind’s eye was blinded by a glowing light, and I saw so many things at once… the sigil of Lilith but with a shining upturned crescent moon upon it. The swooping curved tail of the sigil ended with a pointed barb like a devil’s tail. In a downward arc, I saw each phase of the moon fall away from the crescent to the right of it, each with a golden circle around them. They looked like coins. A glimpse of the tree of life. A beautiful pair of eyes. I saw fires and raging battles. Men with their eyes gouged out. Babies being born screaming into the world. Pentagrams. The triple moon symbol. And then I felt Lilith just… dissolve and enmesh into me, and it was like an atomic bomb. An explosion of energy just hit me. Everything went white and I had the most amazing, intense, aggressive and longest orgasm of my entire life. Ever.
I lay my hand with my hand on my breast for a long time. Thanking the goddess for this gift she has given me. It wasn’t just an orgasm. It was as though I was shown a quick flash of all the knowledge and power of the entire world. I can’t describe how it felt or how I know that’s what it felt like. It was just… overwhelming… it was horrible and magnificent all at once. I wanted more of it but at the same time I tried to break away from it.
As I rested, a small window filled with moonlight appeared and the light fell down on me like I was lying on an altar. From the window sill hung a basket overflowing with strands of a string of pearls plant. They grew rapidly and I could see and hear them growing, stretching and moving as I lay there. And then, Lilith was the window, the light and the basket, and her hair the string of pearls. Then she stepped to the right and I could see that she was wearing large headpiece that covered her horns and was shaped like the window. It was made from some form of ancient lace that was patterned like cathedral windows. I feel like it was more than lace, like an intricate and delicate portal to other worlds or other lives. Everything she was glistened very softly and was diaphanous.
I asked Lilith how should I worship her. How should I show the world that I am one of her daughters. She told me to be loud. Take whatever I want. Always be my true self. And be as difficult and disruptive to the patriarchy and the old systems as I can. Wherever a man tells you not to go, you force your way in, etc. She has now told me three times that she does not want me to tattoo a tribute to her on my body. For “your body is your own, it is not mine,” she says. Lilith told me to pay tribute to her through beautiful things, such as music and art. And by living chaotically and being fiercely true to myself.
I asked Lilith how could I always know that we were connected. She lay her hand on the hand on my breast. Her touch was very warm and I could feel the sensation. An eye, a beautiful copper-y chestnut brown eye, appeared on the back of her hand. She raised it and there was one on the back of my hand too. She turned her palm to me. The eye was on both sides. She smiled and said, “With this.”
Everything was dark then, for a while. I called out to Steele and he answered. He showed himself to me as a coat of eyes. I told him that I was so, so glad to be able to hear him again.
I asked Steele if Lilith was gone, since the energy felt different now. He showed me that she wasn’t by showing me as I looked from the eyes of another. I was there but I could also see myself from the outside, my hand on my breast with a large brown eye on the back of my palm.
I looked up and Lilith was to my left, cradling my head in her lap and stroking my hair. I told her why I had been trying to reach her, what I wanted her to do. I said, “I WANT HIM TO —” and she cut me off with a maniacal smile, cackled and said “Finally!” and my vision was flooded by an image of Lilith standing with my love, his hands forced behind his back. She laughed as she forced him onto his knees before me and then slit his throat with one of her long, sharp black fingernails. Black blood poured out of his neck. I screamed and shouted, “No, no, no! Don’t kill him. Don’t hurt him.”
I finished my sentence and she nodded but found it much less satisfying. I asked her if she would do what I asked. I also asked if the ceremony was finished. She said yes. I asked if that was yes to both things, she said absolutely yes. I made her promise me that she would not hurt or kill him. I also asked Steele if I could still give him a task. He said yes, and so I gave him a place to spy. And to send me important updates through dreams. Up until now, I have not asked him to show me his skills. We talked for a few more seconds. After a few minutes, their energies faded away completely.
I lay there for a while and then got up and went into the bathroom and took a warm, cleansing shower. Every time I closed my eyes, until I fell asleep later on, I could see an open hand with a copper-y chestnut brown eye in the center of its palm. It brought me peace and relaxation, and I slept deeper last night than I have in weeks. I have been inspired to create several pieces of art from this one night.
Praise Goddess.
Phew. Boy, does the universe have jokes.
Yesterday, since the full moon was coming, that’s what me and everyone I know kept talking about all morning. I did my daily tarot reading around lunch time, and the spread is 3-cards: Thoughts, Emotions, Tasks for the day. My card for “thoughts” yesterday was… The Moon. 
Last night, for the full moon, I did a guided meditation designed to release anger and negative energy and welcome abundance and new beginnings. I felt recharged and renewed and like I was making a great step forward with my life.
This morning, the universe sent my ex right into my path in an unexpected way. I was standing at the entrance of my workplace and he suddenly came around the corner. This is a busy building, and he could have come through at any time and any other moment I wouldn’t have been standing there.
Maybe it was a test. Maybe it was a sign that the universe doesn’t want me to move on from this yet.
All of my Super Moon tarot spreads from last night seemed to indicate that I shouldn’t let go and should give it more time, and that the final outcome is joy and celebration. I’m just so exhausted from feeling like I’m in limbo.
I have recently begun painting and making art again for the first time in 5 years. I am repainting a vintage dressmaker’s body form. In my head, I was calling her “Divinity.” Several hours later, I received a meme on Facebook that said, “You are divinity in disguise.”
Since my second visit from Lilith, and dedicating myself to her, I have suddenly found myself being approached by men frequently. I no longer wear my amulet. But the amulet is not needed. I am approached and flirted with regularly. Men who were once just friendly acquaintances now trip over their words trying to talk to me and either try to catch my eye, or get intimidated by my eye contact. It has been a very amusing change for me.
My ex and I seem to be at a stalemate. He is a weak man when it comes to emotions. He lingers around the edges of my life, gazing at me from a distance but afraid to approach me with any sort of confidence. When he tries to talk to me, he is nervous and trips over his own words. The tarot and the oracle keeps telling me something is coming. A change is in the air. A reunion of soul ties. All signs indicate that something will happen around a party I’m giving this Saturday. We shall see what unfolds.
Last night, I felt a need to connect with Lilith again. Since so many things are in motion now. I feel very much at peace when I am able to connect with Mother Lilith. I sat in a warm bath with lit candles and music playing. I was listening to Florence and the Machine on shuffle play.
I could feel her presence first. In my mind these black lines like vines twisted and shook and contorted into her sigil. But they kept changing and growing like two intertwined snakes. The snakes wrapped together and became a tree of life.
Then she appeared in my mind’s eye just as the song “Mother” started. First as a pair of beautiful eyes. Then her face. There are a lot of things that we spoke of and that she told me. Some of it personal. Not much worth detailing here. I noticed very clearly that the songs on shuffle play had very specific messages dealing with what we discussed. Bits and phrases wove themselves into my conciousness as I tried to keep my focus on her. Our connection lasted a long time, through six songs.
I told her that my birthday was coming very soon. And then I clarified, and said, my physical birth. She was amused. I confided in her what I wanted, and that I wasn’t doubting her or what she had promised, but that I was doubting myself and my ability to do my part.
She appeared to me then, in all her majesty. She was nude but her skin glowed like she was made of gold. She wore an elaborate headdress that looked like the triple crescent. One crescent on eith side of her head, and a circular piece that came across the crown of her head. There were golden horns but I could not tell where the headpiece began and her form ended. It seemed as though the deepest, darkest of shadows lived nestled in her black hair.
She held out her hands and held me with them. “You are of me, and also now a part of me. Trust in yourself as you trust in me. You will see and know all in time.”
I’m too tired tonight to post all the signs I’ve been sent lately, and so I will continue in the morning when I’m refreshed.
Signs that I’ve received recently (that have not been tarot readings)…
The number 6666 "often resonates with spiritual awakening and the universe’s harmonious dance in numerology. Quadruple 6’s amplify the energies of inner growth and cosmic alignment. Embrace the change, trust in the process, and believe that the universe is guiding towards a higher purpose.
It is a reminder of the importance of understanding, patience and open communication. It often points to the impending union or deepening bond with one’s twin flame."
41 is "a reminder that spirits are working behind the scenes to manifest your desires, as long as you put in the hard work and stay focused. It’s message is that you’re close to achieving your goals. Let go of any fears or doubts that are holding you back. The spirits want you to have confidence in yourself and your abilities.
It is a number of divine guidance and protection."
One of my guy friends said, “It’s ok, they’re just protecting you.”
And I turned around and said, “Huh? What made you say that?”
He said, “I mean… they’re all the way up there, eating all the mosquitoes and bad bugs and stuff.”
Mother
Can you protect me from what I want?
The love I let in who left me so lostMother, make me
Make me a big tall tree
So I can shed my leaves and let it blow through meMother, make me
Make me a big grey cloud
So I can rain on you things I can’t say out loudMother, make me
Make me a bird of prey
So I can rise above this, let it fall awayMother, make me
Make me a song so sweet
Heaven trembles, fallen at our feet
Ghosts (Demo)
I’m not calling you a liar, just don’t lie to me
I’m not calling you a thief, just don’t steal from me
I’m not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me
And I love you so much, I’m gonna let you kill meThere’s a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep
Wraps itself around my tongue as it softly speaks
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs
To fall, to fall, to fall at your feet
There but for the grace of God go I
And when you kiss me, I am happy enough to die
Leave My Body
I’m gonna be released from behind these lies
And I don’t care whether I live or die
And I’m losing blood, I’m gonna leave my bones
And I don’t want your heart it leaves me coldI don’t want your future
I don’t need your past
One bright moment
Is all I askI’m gonna leave my body
(Moving up to higher ground)
I’m gonna lose my mind
(History keeps pulling me down)
Said I’m gonna leave my body
(Moving up to higher ground)
I’m gonna lose my mind
(History keeps pulling me, pulling me down)I don’t need a husband, don’t need no wife
And don’t need the day, I don’t need the night
And I don’t need the birds let them fly away
And I don’t want the crowds, they never seem to stay
Prayer Factory
All the things that I ran from
I now bring as close to me as I can
Ripping hotel sheets with gritted teeth
My montage of lost things, it’s mine
Shiny trinkets of griefWhy don’t you give me a call?
Open my mouth, yes, I’ll take it all
Know it’s work onto work
Maybe finally you shut the gate
Only If For A Night
And I heard your voice
As clear as day
And you told me I should concentrate
It was all so strange
And it’s so surreal
That a ghost should be so practical
Only if for a nightAnd the only solution was to stand and fight
And my body was bruised and I was set alight
But you came over me like some holy rite
And although I was burning, you’re the only light
Only if for a nightMy doe, my dear, my darling
Tell me what all this sighing’s about
Tell me what all this sighing’s about
Stand By Me
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we’ll see
No, I won’t be afraid
Oh, I won’t be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
All This And Heaven Too
And the heart is hard to translate
It has a language of it’s own
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs
In prayers and proclamations, in the grand deeds
Of great men and the smallest of gestures
In short shallow gaspsBut with all my education
I can’t seem to command it
And the words are all escaping
And coming back all damaged
And I would put them back in poetry
If I only knew how, I can’t seem to understand itAnd I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I’ve been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at allAnd it talks to me in tiptoes
And sings to me inside
It cries out in the darkest night
And breaks in the morning light
But with all my education
I can’t seem to command itAnd the words are all escaping
And coming back all damaged
And I would put them back in poetry
If I only knew how I can’t seem to understand itAnd I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I’ve been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at allAnd I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I’ve been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at allNo words, poor language
It doesn’t deserve such treatment
And all my stumbling phrases
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling
All this heaven never could describe
Such a feeling as I’m hearing
Words were never so useful
So I was screaming out a language
That I never knew existed before
This week every piece of paperwork I do, the number come out to 6. Or multiples of numbers that equal 6. Or numbers that added, subtracted, divided from each other equal 6. Today, literally everything I touched was calculatable to 6, 66, 666, or 6666… to the point where I was both elated and nervous.
I recently had numerology done and was told that I am leaving my 5th year and entering my 6th year. My birth day calculates out to 6 and the birth year also calculates out to 6. So, 66.
Besides all of these signs, I can literally feel powerful energy in me and around me. I can feel a huge change approaching. Something big is coming. A big life transformation is coming.
I have a big update to make later, but I don’t have the time right now.
I just had to share this…
I love it when I am connected to Vassago and he sends me these little messages. Today, these cards all popped out at me at once. He never fails to show me the way.
I’ve gone a long time without any updates in my journal. It’s time.
Things with my ex have fallen apart again. The strangest thing is that everything I have done, all my petitions and desires have been granted. The problem now lies solely with him. He has managed to make things even more of a mess. It is like he thinks I should just ignore all of this and still be around him like it never happened. He is in delulu land. I have cut ties with him, but he still persists.
The sad part of all of that is, once my situation fell apart with my ex, I lost my ability to summon Asteele/Steele. The lesser demon who was a spy. I guess he is not allowed to hang around if a job is no longer needed. I miss him a lot. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t make contact anymore. The last time I could sense him was the night I made the pact with Lilith. He was so very gentle and kind.
My abilites in the tarot and my intuition have been growing with the assistance of my dear prince, Vassago. A couple of weeks ago I did my first non-personal reading for a good friend who is having relationship issues. The reading was very well received and confirmed a lot of things she had been trying to work on with him. Since then I have done two more readings for friends that have gone perfectly.
I have only had one encounter with Lilith since our pact. Mostly my fault, because I have been dealing with a lot of burnout from being overworked. But also because, Lilith is Lilith and she comes when she chooses and not necessarily when you ask.
In this moment we shared, she pulled back a curtain and we stepped into another time and place. She showed me a glimpse of an ancient worldly secret in which she played a major role. I dare never repeat it for several reasons. Both my greatest respect and admiration for her, and because who would ever believe little old me when there is no worldly proof of such a thing. It just feels really weird. And it makes me feel a little insane. But, what Lilith revealed to me was not something my own mind would have ever have just invented on its own.
I have been searching for a long time to find a piece to become Lilith’s altar. It had to be something feminine and sensuous but not vulgar. So many things that are marketed as depictions of Lilith are aggressively sexualized and lacking in taste. As soon as I saw this piece, I knew it was the one. A skull made from female bodies with what I consider a depiction of Lilith at its center. The eye holes can hold incense or offerings. I’m in love.
I have done a commitment ceremony with Vassago. We made a pact that doesn’t interfere with the one I have with my goddess, Lilith. The reason for the pact is secret but, since it requires a whole lot more of him than just divination, it was agreed upon. Besides, it honestly should have happened long before it did. He has sent me so many accurate tarot readings, visions, and dream messages this year and we have bonded together in time. I love him quite dearly.
The deck I use most frequently is the Occult Tarot deck. It is one that I dedicated to him, along with dedicating every reading to him just before I pull cards. Making it HIS deck has made it the most accurate one I have ever used. He makes sure that I see his card in every reading when I call on him. In return, I kiss the card and I thank him again for his generosity. He also sends me The Empress or The High Priestess card frequently in return. Now, I am on the hunt to find a proper altar to dedicate to my sweet prince.
If you are looking for divination assistance then you can do no better than Prince Vassago. He is a gentle, quiet spirit who will assist with little issue as long as you do not take him for granted OR doubt the truth he brings.
But if you choose to call upon him for his harsher abilities, be prepared to make a pact or offering of his choosing. Most importantly you should also be absolutely sure that you are prepared for the swiftness and complete devastation his immense power can bring upon your target.
There is a reason Prince Vassago is The Tower in this deck.
