Pathworking My Current Past Life (Shadow Work)

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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I wish, there was a map or a quest list or something to base my next actions upon in this life, as I walk my path. It would be so much easier if I had an idea of where I was going and what I need to accomplish to get there. Sometimes I get insights through dreams or otherwise just knowing. It’s kinda like ah hah! moments, where I go from being clueless, to a full blown plan on how to proceed in .02 seconds. Sometimes I wonder where it came from, others I know due to who I’d summoned or attempted to summon recently.

I had one of these least fall. I’d been helping someone learn how to evoke, via phone conversation on discord. For whatever reason having me on the other side of the phone, saying absolutely nothing unless questioned helped them. Perhaps it was the fact I was on my end opening the seal and then pushing the energy towards the individual and perhaps it was something else. I guess I’ll never know, they disappeared not too long after I helped them call upon Azazel. The working wasn’t for me, but when I tapped into his energy I couldn’t help but say I need help. I know you’re a bigger part of this life than I understand and I need help.

The only response I got was the same as I had garnered from Belial, when I helped this same individual evoke them. Do you vouch for him? I was and am taken a back by such a question. Why does it matter if I do or not? Isn’t it enough that I felt called to help him? I don’t know if he’ll follow through on what he needs to do for what he wants, but I know he’s at the bottom of the barrel, and if he’s going to ever do it, it’s now. That answer seemed to suffice, though I was even more perplexed to be asked the question, yet again.

I don’t know how that individuals life is going, or if they got what they needed, but I do know I was facing some really hard times myself, and Azazel answered my call. I went from having no idea how to proceed or what to do, to boom a full blow war strategy. It was like all of a sudden I had access to all of the plan, the strategy, and how it should work all within the snap of a finger. Strange, but it did seem to garner results, even if I never got the result I was after, other results were most definitely had from it.

Azazel and I have a strange relationship. He never answers when I call, and rarely even lets me know he heard. I have tendency to refer to him as an asshole over it, but not just because he doesn’t answer. It’s because I know he heard me, and I know he’s often there lurking along in the sidelines, prodding things along towards whatever our agenda is. I have no idea most days what the agenda actually is, I know bits and pieces that have been passed along to me through others, through dreams, and those I once knew in life that are no longer with us- but there’s never enough information to actually help, and it always leaves me with ten more questions than the one he allowed me the answer to.

It’s incredibly annoying honestly. What I do know is, it is not my agenda or his alone. I know this mother fcker has been around since my early teenage years, he’s influenced my art before I even knew he existed. I happen to be one of those that’s a bit weird age wise, I can remember life before the Internet in the home, the first cell phones that looked like big black boxes, the first computers at my elementary school.

I remember life before Google existed, and how difficult and limited the information on the Internet was, how hard it was to find. I know for fact that there was no mention of Azazel on the Internet back then- I checked. I was fortunate in many ways to have dial-up in my home pretty much as soon as that was a thing available. I have no idea why, but Yahoo chat rooms and games and things of that sort were my domain and escape from everything going wrong. In fact, it’s probably were I first used my skills to manipulate others.

I remember proudly showing my sketch to everyone I knew, naming it Azazel and explaining how the name meant half demon and half angel. People from church, teachers, the few friends I had. No one at the time knew who he was, and if my pastor or adult church members had a clue, they sure they did not allude to such.

I wish I still had that sketch. I can recall some of the details, if I zoom the memory out I can almost see the page I drew it on, I say almost because I can’t see it at all, but if I could I would sketch it again. I know if I tried it wouldn’t even be close and I’d just end up all pissed off, so I won’t but I wish I had it, so I could study it- maybe I’m missing something I once knew.

I’m always on the ramble box, just seems to be how I operate, how I think through things and figure out what comes next. I’m not really sure I have point today, other than Azazel frustrates me. I know he’s said to others, he’s always around and lurking so that I don’t get a choice about my abilities, they continue to develop even when I try to take a step backwards, because he’s always there, making sure it happens. I know he’s also said one of the reasons is that I won’t think he’s forsaken or forgotten me.

I have to wonder why that even matters. I don’t tend to view any spirit as more important than another, yet he’s made a point of implying that he’s important to me, in some capacity. Well to the sum of who I am at least, though I don’t seem to have any reason or need of him in this current vessel. In fact, if he had not been so clear on that, I probably would have never thought twice, about the fact he never answers my call. I would have just assumed he was not an entity suited for me at this time.

I think the reason I am rambling about this, is Azazel also has given me a familiar. Something relatively knew to working with humans, something to aid me. Yet I have the same sort of connection problem with this familiar that I do Azazel. In fact, I’ve almost given up on ever making concrete contact of any sort. I’ve failed numerous times to project to it, I’ve failed to get to enter my dreams, I’ve failed to notice if it responds when I call and nothing I’ve ever tried to get it’s help with has worked. So I’ve returned to what does work, as I don’t understand the point, it’s skill set or why even give it to me in the first place.

Yet, sometimes when I fail to project, or don’t realize I am, I think I am dreaming and go to a place, where I am working. The people are always the same, the what is going on never is. It’s always places I recognize and know, but they don’t exist here on this plane. Some of them are very similar to my home town, and others are not. It’s always very solid like this plane, I can feel and hear and touch and smell, and if I didn’t know I was somewhere else, I’d think gone to bed and gotten up in some other lifetime or something strange as fck. The people always know me, they always seemed surprised I am aware, yet have none of the memories I should have of where I am.

Perhaps, I’m going about some of this wrong. I’m not sure what I need to change or fix. I’m not always lucid when I project even, I assume I’m dreaming and just go with the flow and wherever it takes me, until I come back. The way I fall back into my body is entirely different than the way you wake up. The memories are similar however, if I don’t record them in short order, they are gone- just like dreams, just like projecting and actually accomplishing whatever I set out for. I know if I was inebriated less, I’d have less trouble gaining lucidity all around or I think I would. Lucidity and me have a shaky relationship and have, ever since I met my children’s father. Remember my dreams, or even knowing I am dreaming is never a problem, but being able to direct it, just doesn’t seem to happen like it used to.

Some days, I make so much progress. When my intentions are clear for projecting or journeying I usually am able to accomplish what I set out to, but other times I lay down, simply to just get out of body and figure I’ll decide once I get there how to proceed, and I end up thinking I’m dreaming and have no idea I’m out.

I’d honestly be incredibly frustrated, but I think. In someway, it’s all progress, even when I don’t comprehend the agenda yet.

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This video seems a bit dramatic… but awfully familiar with the concept behind the words. Not normally a Swift fan however. She too damned sexy while not being appealing at all for my taste.

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I guess we all know I like the ramble trains. They help me figure things about me out, help me grow, help me learn, help me in my study of the human mind and what makes people do the stupid shit they do.

But sometimes, I really can’t comprehend it at all.

Kinda like the above statement, from a dude I don’t even know, on the god damned internet. You would be wrong if you think the world is not so cruel I haven’t heard it more times than I count, that people have attempted to hit me there in a jab aimed at hurting me, or that those close to me haven’t used it because they thought it would cut me deep, since I allowed them to get close to me.

I took the statement like I always do, I just kept on rolling without a flinch. But I soon found I was pretty pissy and it wasn’t because he’d managed to land a hit where it hurts, it doesn’t and I’ll try to explain why it doesn’t hurt in a minute.

I was pissy because I don’t understand people like that, I don’t understand people who intentionally try to cut those who haven’t actually done anything to them. I don’t understand why people who hurt those are down and out instead of helping them. I don’t understand using someone’s physical aspects, which most of us can’t or can’t afford to change against them.

I can insult for fun and inflicting pain with the best, but I guess I have a different standard for myself with it. So I was pissy because I couldn’t figure out that kind of person, and because I just kept on rolling without flinching. Shouldn’t this thing, that I’ve heard for 35 mother fcking years, bother me? Why isn’t it a compounded issue? I certainly have issues at times under rating parts of my body and my looks, but it doesn’t hurt me to hear it from someone.

I don’t need to look into the mirror to know this guy, sees me as I see myself. The rest of the world I don’t know if they pretend or if I have had a glamour on me since I was like six years old because I encounter people who either see me like I see me when I look in the mirror, or I encounter people like Anziel, who don’t even seem to see the same woman I do.

Maybe they see me and see the rest of me. I don’t know. but to get back on the right train, I was pissy more because the statement didn’t effect me, than because it did. It caused me to think about life and the first time I encountered someone like this person.

My first memory of it was in the 2nd grade, a chubby kid was making fun of me because I couldn’t chew with my mouth closed. I remember… not reacting. Not feeling anything. I remember trying to figure out what was so damned funny about it and coming up with spades. I remember knowing that it was supposed to hurt me, and wondering why. What had I done? What reason did they have to hurt someone they didn’t even know?

I did somehow let someone hurt me those types of things that same year. I’m not sure if it was different or what but I was made of a lot as a child, a teenager, and in particular this first real year of school. This set the pace for the rest of my school years, I quickly learned to stay away from others, I wanted friends too, but not at the cost of being made fun. I was always the girl who only had maybe one friend, I didn’t even have that every year, and if they missed school- I ate lunch alone.

I put myself into such tight shell that it was ridiculous, but what was even more ridiculous, was I still was made fun of. Between my teeth, my schizophrenic mother, my daddy’s Corvette, being the teachers pet… Yeah. I’ve done a bit of it all honestly and I’m still only talking about the first few years of school here.

It gets way worse. It’s not for today however.

The point is, by the time I was in the 3rd grade, I’d developed such a hard outer shell that, no one knew I was suffering inside. I’d learned not to flinch, even when it hurt. I wanted to be me, and was too damned hurt to do it so. I learned to not let anyone know what was going on inside. My teachers never knew, my parents never knew, and I’d go home and as much as damned normal life as you could have for as fckd up as my life was.

Adulthood, and letting some of me and my personality out has changed many things. I’ve noticed not everyone can even see my flaws, let alone use them against me. Hard work and good work ethics has meant how I looked never really mattered and I’m god damned hilarious in addition to all those years shelled up alone and studying humans… means I’m usually a pretty good emotional healer. I’ve watched people for years, I’ve picked up on tendencies we have as humans and I’ve learned how to connect the dots between that and my ability to natural feel someone out.

I love surprising people with things I shouldn’t know, or things they said to someone else they thought were private- all because I’ve spent way more time listening in life than joining the crowd. I don’t really have a point in all of this, except that it made me pissy last night that someone can be so hurt and so made fun of and so emotionally abused in life…

That they don’t even flinch.

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Just a memory that belongs in this journal, but went in the other:

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3/25/21 (A few nights ago- what can I say, other than I’m lazy)

Things seem to be getting complicated in my life. It’s not the most mind boggling of situations by any means, but it’s certainly more complicated than decided if I’m going to get out of bed today, or just sleep until tomorrow.

My new boyfriend, has the habit of saying, But you love you it. or But I don’t hear you complaining. Funny how people don’t realize that continued mentioning of something is actually me complaining.

I’m not like, full bore complaining by any means, I can certainly bitch up a storm if I feel the need to, about freaking anything really, doesn’t need to be a significant topic, for me to find something to bitch about but… it is me showing resistance.

But resistance to what? I mean when I step back and look at myself, I have to wonder what the flying fck is wrong with me, somedays. I habitually resist change, just because I can- I think. Just because it’s easier. It’s easier than dealing with disappointment, and it’s way easier than dealing with someone else’s feelings.

Feely’s are something I really don’t like to do. See, I know I’ve mentioned this but, feely’s touch me really deeply. I don’t like people in general- most of ya’ll are fckd up and those of ya who aren’t are fcking moron’s so. I don’t like people, and I really prefer to keep you all at a distance. I prefer you to all think I’m not really capable of developing deep friendships.

I am, but I’m real choosey about who I do it with. It takes a special kind of person to tolerate me, especially all of me, and well I need to be able to be me around those I choose to have in my life. I don’t sugar coat things, I tell it like I see it, I think the best lessons in life hurt like a mother fcking bitch and I get into peoples heads, their hearts and I don’t like to beat around the bush.

I tend to be a bit coarse, and harsh, and while I do most certainly have a heart, and a very soft side, I prefer no one else see it. I prefer the tough exterior, and to keep my problems- between me, myself and I.

I can’t stand being pitied, or people who live their life as a pity party and well I need a lot of personal space to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’ve been known to disappear and people are quick to think I’ve ghosted them, or written them off because it’s very much within my nature to actually do either of those and it doesn’t matter much who you are to me.

I did disappear from even my kids lives, just over two years ago, after all.

I have my reasons, but it revolves around it being way too easy to make me feel guilty, to make me feel bad for choosing me, to make me feel bad for hurting your feelings, and essentially what I feel, because of the other person. Most of the time it’s not even valid for me to feel that way. I had no valid reason to give two shits how my ex husband would handle me leaving, yet I managed to go buy groceries, hair ties, and did all sorts of things to cushion the blow, while I was getting the fck out of dodge.

I’m not sure why this is relevant, in fact it doesn’t even seem like it is, because the topic was me resisting change. Honestly other than the fact I’m on an inebriated ramble train, I’m not sure what the two topics have to do with each other, except maybe part of the reason I am resisting the current change, is because I am getting close to another human being- AGAIN.

A part of me is fighting the change, and I do not entirely know why. It’s not a bad change, in fact most of really likes it. I know I don’t fear being hurt, I don’t even fear hurting him now, though I do know he’d be the most hurt out of the two of us, if somehow this doesn’t work out. So what the hell is my problem?

I think part of it, is not knowing what I’ll do with myself, if everything is going right or well. I thrive in chaos and conflict, so if everything is right in life, then what the hell will I have to bitch about? The last time everything was good, I found minor things to bitch about, but failed to realize that my other half took them more seriously than I did. I bitched about the bed and different things that were not life altering bad, but would have been nice if they were better. I didn’t realize how upset they made him, that they weren’t perfect for me. I didn’t know my bitching about minor things upset him, until after I wasn’t with him.

My perpetual bitching could be a problem for my current relationship, even if he’s aware that I just need something to bitch about.

The other thing is motivation. I’m much easier to motivate, when I need to fix things and I need to do it right now. When all is good in my life, I have little motivation to strive for better. I’m not really hard to please and while it’s nice to have better, if it’s good enough, then it’s damned well good enough. I want to enjoy being happy, and I enjoy life more when I’m relaxed and not busting my ass.

I know balance is a thing I need to find. Entities have harped on me for it for months, too much play time and not enough work, yet when I am doing work- I tend to do more work than the average magician in a short span of time. It’s nothing to me to summon many entities of many spiritual races within one evening. I’ve managed to do routines for weeks at a time, yet eventually I burn myself out and just need a break. Then I struggle to get back on the trolley.

I suppose the answer is to find some sort of moderate work load, that works with me. Something I can maintain, yet I’m not happy if it’s not challenging, and when it is I make it so challenging that I can’t keep up and this is just ridiculous and I really have no point.

I sat down with the goal of figuring out why I resist change, why I crave things to be constantly the same, all the while thriving in chaos.

This doesn’t seem to be getting me there. #TonightsShadowWorkFailedEdition.

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Nonsensical Rants.

Man, I’m grouchy today. I’m not grouchy because I failed to do what I needed to, or because I didn’t figure it out or any of those things. I’m grouchy because I didn’t sleep enough, again and the world expects me to run on their clock which I pretty much feel is bullshit, considering the number of hours I sit around available. Just so happens the one time in weeks I turn my phone off, I miss my landlord actually wanting to fix something, that really really needs fixed.

Of course my boyfriend says oh there’s always next time, except he doesn’t seem to comprehend the basic it doesn’t work that way, so I give up on him and trying to explain other peoples actions and how missing someone when they actually decided to do something, means they won’t be bothered unless I once again hound them about, and then I’ll hear all about how I missed it, and it will be an excuse to let the issue perpetuate for days, weeks or even months.

Whatever. Been there, done that, why bother explaining it yet again, when I wasn’t heard the first time.

The point of this entry wasn’t to vent, even if that’s what I actually needed, someone who could listen, instead of someone who can only hear themselves but. Whatever on it all, because todays entry is actually about my new dead friend, and about how I am now pretty confused about life.

I tried sleeping this morning, and after something like six hours of failing to go to sleep, which no one ever believes, as they seem to think it’s a lack of my climbing into bed, rather than realizing I actually know myself and when it’s a waste of time to bother. Kudos to you asshole for thinking you know me that well when the truth is you haven’t got a clue. Back to the point, I failed to sleep so figured I would get on with my operation as planned, and then take a nap later. The nap won’t happen, because now I’m waiting to see if my landlord can be bothered to answer me, since I missed him.

To get back on target, and off my angry at people who don’t hear the words I say, no matter how plainly I say them, because they just need everything in life to be happy go lucky and can’t be bothered to see the real facts, I couldn’t sleep, so time to operate. I’ve been meaning to focus more on my projecting and journeying skills, as that is an area of my practice that I’ve been neglecting since obtaining a boyfriend. Most other things roll as they normally do, but his insistence that he sleeps better when I’m on the other side of a pretty much dead call, means the amount of time in a day I’m able to do so, is rather limited.

You can learn a lot about a person, from listening to them sleep. It’s not something I’ve ever considered before, but I’ll be real and admit I’ve had trouble sleeping at times and watched others sleep. I think anyone whose ever had babies, has found themselves watching them sleep at some point. Be it worry because they are sick, or awe because that life was created by you, or something else all together. I don’t think that I will ever figure out however, why people think they can do that shit without startling you awake as adults. I do pretty well with ignoring it, but that whole being watched thing, man you can feel it deep inside you, even when you’re checked the fck out, so while I’ve always managed to keep my cool with someone who thought it was interesting to watch me sleep, I don’t fcking get it. But I’ve managed to do a lot of listening to others sleep in this lifetime, which I do somewhat get- but it’s not on purpose.

I clearly lied to ya’ll. I need to get this rant out of my mother fcking system, if you want to heart about my operation. So anyways, the point was that I don’t sleep very good at a night. I never have, my entire life I’ve struggled to sleep when it’s dark outside, unless I’m so mother fcking blasted, that I essentially need to pass out, or will pass out, rather than keep functioning. It’s a handy little tidbit, but it’s not something I can produce in my life on a daily basis. I sleep super light, so light that every move of a baby in a bassinet next to me, would wake me up, so light that my children in the other room coughing wakes me up, so light that every obsessive move of a man, trying to figure out how to put all fcking six foot of himself into contact with my 5’2” wakes me up.

So I sleep like shit, then I hear about how well at least you slept some, because I’m apparently the only person on the world who would rather not sleep at all, than be interrupted every time they finally get into some sort of sleep cycle. Every morning, I ignore something to the effect of Good morning love, on the other end of the phone, because god dammit, it’s finally morning hours, where I can sleep deep and someone’s being mushy and affectionate, rather realizing I still haven’t slept properly for one reason or another that was beyond my mother fcking control.

I’d give anything to sleep soundly while it’s dark out, but honestly the only time I ever sleep deep and I’m not inebriated, is if I am sleeping between dawn and around 5pm. I’ve been this way since childhood, I would lay away, night after night reading books, and then when the weekend came? I’d sleep all mother fcking day. With my last boyfriend, I’d either be so inebriated I’d pass out, or I’d toss and turn with short sleeps until he went to work, and then I’d sleep. I spent many hours laying next him, listening to how he slept, picking up on the patterns of breathing, learning from his movements and his breathing, when he was dreaming and so on. It’s really nice to be held, to sleep in tandem even though it means every time the other person moves, I wake up and need to readjust to be comfortable. But it means that I don’t sleep as well as they do, hardly ever.

I’m super sleep deprived, and it’s wearing on my patience, because the people in my life, expect that if they see any sign of being awake when they wake up, I should be ready to get up, or they just can’t contain themselves from talking to me or whatever it is that motivates them to start talking or interacting with me, if I so much as move or blink and they catch it. My son does this when he’s here, the boyfriend does it whether he’s here or not, so it leads to me pretending to be asleep when I’m often not. Thankfully for me, I mastered that a long time ago, and I’m grouchy enough, to pull it off in person, when I’ve only had real short sleep cycles.

The boyfriend thinks his work from home plan is going to be great, and honestly. I think he’ll probably end up single, cuz I’ll never be able to sleep and I’m clearly a damned bitch when it perpetuates more than a few days and becomes an ongoing issue.

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I love you too honey. And BTW If you need me to I’ll give you space to nap or whatever you need.

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Aww! Yall are so adorable :heart_eyes:

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Meh you ever see anyone be so fcking cutesy after a two page rage ramble in their direction… I mean COME ON MAN

He is ridiculous!!! :laughing: :laughing:

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I can relate to you. Im an incredibly light sleeper, every noise or movment wakes me up. For this reason, I’ve stopped sleeping in the same room as my partner. Its been almost 2 years since I’ve shared a bed with anyone…working third shift makes it all the more challenging as well. (Birds and cars making all kinds of noise outside) At least my cats are quiet, I guess. I normally average about 2-4 hours of sleep a day inbetween my constant waking up.

Also about your journal before this one. I think resistance to change is just a human thing. We naturally want whats comforting to us and change brings chaos.

Good luck with your sleeping.

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I had this grand idea, probably a month or so ago, that it would be fun to work through grimoires, with other occultist. The idea came up in a conversation, related to the fact that neither I, nor the other person really care for the MFWB groups. (Magical Friends with Benefits). I think we have slightly different reason, but point is we don’t really doing work for others, other than the occasional experiment to see how things work out, or for someone really close to us with a need. There were other idea that passed between us, but I recently saw @ReyCuervo in the lounge looking for more magical work and wanting to keep his magical ass busy with magical things.

I brought up the book club idea, gave the thoughts that it would be cool for a bunch of us to work through the same grimoires at the same time and essentially compare notes, how things felt yada yada and so on, what have you and what not. I was really surprised to see how many people reply that they would be interested in doing something like that.

Originally, I didn’t want to be the leader of anything, I have motivational issues after all. I then realized, that as a group of experienced magicians, we wouldn’t need a leader per say, plus no one volunteered or launched a thread with the premise and I do want to be an active part of the discussions and all of that. So I launched the thread myself.

We chose the new Jared Tempest grimoire, The Angels of Omnipotence. It’s a really interesting book, on a subject that isn’t really well covered modernly or much at all as far as I’ve seen, and it seems to have more options than any grimoires I’ve paged through for the 72 demons, or angels. If you’re interested in more than the gist of the story, pick up the book or join the club :P. The author mentions, going through an initiation ritual, that he declines to give. @Dralukmun managed to find one internet article on the subject, and the poster talks about their experience with it, they essentially received in a past me a note type scenario, and then compared notes with the person who gave them the overview, and both had similar experiences and requests of the nine angels.

It seems to be the only internet article on the nine angels so far to date. That alone catches my interest, and then I believe Tempest also mentions that he found it unnecessary, but lead me to believe that he thinks it caused some of the turmoil he experienced early into the workings. As such, I’m real interested, and in have been tossing the idea of going through a similar ritual myself, back and forth for some time now. I originally thought, why bother if it’s not necessary, but rereading the article, and the fact that the posters request had to do with obtaining justice for something long gone and in the past, well gosh. I think I have similar situation.

I have however, been putting off the initiation ritual, for the Angels of Omnipotence. I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me honestly. In the past, I just thought things through, considered my options and then dove right in head first. But lately? Gosh I not only procrastinate, I over think things.

I’ve always over thought things, but usually it’s obvious to me, and everyone who will hear me out, that over thinking is what I am doing. Lately it’s not. It’s not only not obvious to those in my life, it’s not even obvious to me. Instead of the thoughts running the foreground of my mind, forcing me to examine and consider them from every mother fcking possible angle…

They are lurking in the background. They are creeping and crawling through the darkest recesses of my mind, and not even letting me know they are there. I notice I procrastinate more, when I have lurking thoughts of unsure nature. Lurking what ifs. Normally I just over think things, make a rash but logical decision and then carry on riding the waves of what happens.

Now, I just delay things, waiting for someone to tell me what the best option is, waiting for my mind or my gut to give me a clue. I just don’t even think about whatever it is. It’s almost like a void, or emptiness rather than an over thinking. It’s kinda strange to be honest, and I’m not really sure why it’s happening. In a weird sense, it reminds me of how I sometimes trance out, neither awake nor sleep- just in an endless sea of nothingness that I can recall, until I decide to get up because I’m not accomplishing whatever goal I set out about. I’ve found myself trancing out for hours, knowing I thought, but having no idea what those thoughts were.

Almost every instance has been much longer than it felt like. It’s almost concerning, because while I’m certainly not living life tranced out as a full time occupation, my over thinking is no longer the forefront. I’m not over thinking anything, in fact- anything that bothers me, is a problem, could be a problem etc, is simply not being thought about at all.

I went from daydreaming about the future, pretend scenarios of what could be, someday down the line- to living in the moment, every moment. Sure I have some what ifs and doubts I’ve expressed here and there about the boyfriend, but honestly, I had to really drag those up. They weren’t just here for my thinking pleasure, instead they were lurking in the background, waiting for me to dredge them up. I wasn’t even that worried about them, not compared to the shit show I’ve made them out to be.

So, I’m experiencing some sort of detachment from my thoughts, from planning, from day dreaming. Maybe it’s because I’ve struggled to figure out what I want in life and where I am going, and for some aspects of my life- no one really has any idea what is going to happen exactly or what needs to be done to either get me out of the situations and into better ones, or how to diffuse and eliminate them.

I guess that’s where I am going with the Angels of Omnipotence. Not to help me over think again, but to get rid of this one situation that has been a monkey on my back for the last two years, and a burden on my shoulder the 13 years prior. I have some what ifs, and what will I do ifs, and some minor worry that it will not only blow up in my face, but I’ll fail to fix it. I realized I was putting off this work, and I had no good reason to do it at the forefront of my mind, so I was able to on the trigger thought, dredge up the what ifs and reasons that I might not want to make the decision, I had already made.

I realized pretty quickly, these were all objections, some were logical, some come down to it being a calculated risk and some are just to feed the drama of over thinking. But they weren’t the real reason I’ve been avoiding it, the real reason is- I’ve just not been thinking about it, and I’ve not done the over thinking, that I normal do, to prepare myself as I have been living, quite literally every moment, in the moment.

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My entry for the book club.

Meh. Seems the shadow work is never done.

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Then you would you have no more Room to grow. And that will be boring. And you wouldn’t get any stronger.

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Sighs. This is true and I know it, but somedays I just want a break- ya know.

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Take one! All of this is like working a muscle and you need time to see the benefits and the results. But if I am being honest, it sounds like you were on a break already even though you didn’t think you were.

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I was sorta, I was taking a break from working on things directly and simply coming into realization of particular things.

It is unfortunately time to get to work, I’m just tired of there always being work.

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If I can give some advice, focus on what the work in the past brought you and that should make it easier to do the work now. It sounds like you might be falling into the trap of focusing too much on the current situation without realising the benefits of the past situations have brought you and applying those to this one.

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I wasn’t going to share this entry for the book club over here, but it keeps standing out that is past stuff I was dreaming about and working through the past traumas are part of this journals purpose. :woman_shrugging:

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Just some book club stuff. One of my old current past lives, helped me with my current life.

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Yesterday, I lost respect for most of my tribe. I guess it’s my fault, I thought it was amusing that if you ignore someone manually it gives you the option for a time duration, so I posted a screen shot showing how you could select forever. I didn’t know there was an option for time duration prior to yesterday. I posted the picture, then got several pms about who was it.

Obviously, nobody important or I would not have just ignored them, was what I said. I scrolled up in a thread I had open from 2017 since I am reading all of @Eye_Of_Ra 's post atm as she was recently bound on her main account. She had a lot of interesting information, and I know myself- if I don’t wade through it now, I never will. So I scrolled up in the thread I was in, verified how the ignore worked and then posted about that.

Unfortunately I typo’d that I scrolled up in this thread, rather than this one thread, and somehow edit’s are showing the pencil at 3 minutes instead of 5 of so, even though I thought better, and took out the information that it was a recently changed avatar that was a pain in the ass, because I keep liking it by accident when I am liking @Eye_Of_Ra’s old posts, and I feel stupid sending notifications on posts from four years ago and not really like explaining wtf I am doing in these old threads.

I afkd, cleaned my litter boxes- there’s one in every room because of the ferret, swept, mopped then took a shower. I like to stand in the shower in the hot water so I took a quick nude for the boyfriend, flipped to balg to catch up on my reading then dropped my phone in the shower. I grabbed it fast, tossed it on the toilet upright to dry and then finished my shower.

By the time I got dressed, I found assumptions were being made over who I muted. I hate people who just assume, that because I have a minute to like a few posts, I must have time to answer them. I probably would have, if I’d not dropped my phone in the damned shower and found the screen covered in water.

I ended up spending the next half hour or more wondering why the hell someone cared so much, when clearly it wasn’t them. Then I get a pm about how the conversation, that I didn’t start and the fits I was responding to were awkward.

Sorry I don’t really give too fcks. I eventually responded, since they had alluded to the fact that they told the person having fits at me, that they were the one I ignored, and just to see if they were really going around sharing my business that they had no way of knowing, since I had told them it was nobody important rather than giving a name, I gave them a fake name. One that fit the criteria I had given, but not one I had muted.

I afkd because I was annoyed, just to come back to see that fakely named person was practically harassing me in pms over it. I ignored them for real and continued my next art project. I eventually deleted the ignore, and responded to them, after I watched a group of people I once respected bash each other, while being extremely hypocritical.

I then left that pm, and all but four other pms- one is my boyfriends, one is a good friend, one person who seems legit and one is Arianna, as I kinda want to hang on to the last reading she gave me. I then left my own book club, because I just am not doing this. I should go leave all of my archived pms too, just to be sure you all get the hint that none of these people are worth my time. I almost left the damned forum over what I witnessed then I reminded myself I do have a purpose and I may be the only one in a human body who knows what it is, but I am here for a reason.

But I do not have to interact with people that I can’t respect. I shouldn’t keep trying to show them where they are wrong, or make them happy- see there’s always someone having fits at me for talking too much in the lounge TMW or in the book club, or at me bantering with my boyfriend playfully because they assume it’s arguing when it’s not at all, even though it’s rather clear unless you have no brain at all, that it is banter. So why am I trying to please a bunch of assholes? I mean really, since when do I give a flying fck?

I’m really not sure when I started caring so much what people thought about me, but you know what. I am over it and I am done with that bullshit. I now have an ignore list a mile long except no one’s actually on it as I want to personally tell people to go pound sand up their assholes, and most of you are fcking on it and never coming off as I’ve lost respect in you or I’ve lost my trust by taking that fake thing I said and telling the person who then reamed my ass over MY choice for ignore list. Not being trustworthy, is hands down the best way to find yourself not in my life ever again- period.

So the point of this is that you can all go to hell, thanks for the lesson- I won’t make that mistake again. If you somehow decide later on you need or want me in your life… good luck. I’m busy and my circle is full.

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