2/8/21
I’m sitting here, ranting in my mind. I’m working through some things, thinking through others and the things others around me don’t know, and then I finally sat down for a smoke and I had to ask why I did it. I had to reconcile my actions with my mind, even though I knew they were right.
I had to do it for me. I had to step away in case I want this place later. Most days I’m certain I no longer need this place. I’m not really sure if I ever did, but it’s fostered accelerated learning, getting out of my shell about what I do, speaking for myself amongst simply being able to speak and think in theoretics. After all, aren’t the theoretics the most important part of my life? Maybe not, but they often lead to learning the mechanics, and knowing the mechanics means that I don’t need to flounder around and wonder which things will work when, it means I know, or I can figure it out. It means I can apply how the human mind and emotions, and magic works and I can make the best possible decisions.
I know that the quality of Renewal, from the Angel Overlords just ended yesterday, but it seems to be lingering longer than I am used to. Perhaps because it was aimed at renewing a different aspect of my life and it just happened to bleed into the next step of my life. The actual aim of that quality has yet to come in, but with the bleeding of the energy into other areas of my life, it’s pretty easy to see that it will come in, in it’s own time. The cards and spirits have been clear for weeks, that no only did I need to get a hold of my emotions and decided where I was going, but that I needed to cut things loose that no longer served me.
But how do you know what no longer serves you? Sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it’s really not. This time most of it was not, so I chose to ignore it. I didn’t take stock or step back and evaluate the people and things in my life to determine if I truly needed them or if I was stringing them along just in case. I like to have a few back pocket cards, well because a back up plan is how I’ve always rolled. If if plan A doesn’t work out, in the midst of the situation I can adapt and pull up plan K, because I can now see it’s better suited for the situation, now that I have more awareness and facts.
It wasn’t a huge surprise, though it was slightly annoying, to see that I didn’t really get a choice this time. I could either A let people walk all over me, or B stand for me and cut them loose. So for the same reasons I will plead guilty to crimes I’m not exactly guilty of, but because his mother is the secretary for the warden of the state prison, if I don’t win, he’ll own me. Damned if anyone will own me again and I’ve always been really good at running people off and burning bridges to the point they can’t be repaired so, it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware every step of the way, once these people pushed me into those corners.
I just hadn’t expected them to push. I thought I’d sidelined them and worked round it, so that I could keep them in that back pocket, just in case. But when I think of those people I’ve cut out over the last 11 days, not one of them will missed. Not one of them knew me, or about what I do or who I am, or the traumas I’ve faced in this life or how I got through them and I am still up and going meeting life one blow at a time. Not one of them has any idea what it’s like to sit here and know that I am in interim. I am waiting, or life is. I’m not really sure which it is, just that I know whatever it is I want in this life, I can have it- I just have to take the actions to get it. Dozens of opportunities lay before me, from my own work taking off like I never expected to random job offers from people I barely know. Options for friends that I can be mostly me around and options in the sex department are far from few as well. I merely have to choose my path.
I’ve since done that, but instinct prevents me from revealing most of it to anyone. Quite simply while I would swear most days my intuition is top notch, and I can spot who to avoid from the moment they pop up, I’m not always right- Sometimes I still get fooled. Not usually, but I’m at the point in life where I’m not willing to risk it, or at least not most of it. Hell one of those people I ran off this week I’ve not seen in ten years. I had no reason to trust my gut on them, yet. I found myself in a paranoid inebriated state covering all the possible things it could be that my gut was screaming about…so I just asked. Turns out people still think the broken, divorced and lonely woman won’t stand for herself. Sadly he was wrong and I was clear and now he’s gone. It was actually pretty simple, though it amused me the first like 6 hours of so of him trying to change my mind.
I figure at least he was honest when he was asked, even if he thought he could play his way out of it. That’s more than I’ve gotten from a lot of peeps in life. I mean hell, the boyfriend in Washington knew. He used to even ask about how it worked and I can’t explain it. Minor things often don’t ping my radar but the harder someone tries to hide something from me, the more likely I am to find out. I great example is the boyfriend hiding he was building a tiny house on his parents property. I’m sure I’ve told this story a dozen times, but it still amuses me how he never quite got it. See he was afraid then, as we’d only been dating something like 3 or 4 weeks, of what I would think of him building a tiny house of his own on his mothers land.
So he hid it so hard, that I dreamed about it. I dreamed we were in that tiny house- fucking, and I could look out and see her house through the window. Turned out in reality the windows were not where you could see her house, but there was really a tiny house being built not far away from theres. I’d never been there, never heard about it and the answer I got when I told him about the dream. I don’t remember his exact words, but he was over by the end of the day tell me about it and how freaked out he was. It happened many times, but the thing he didn’t ever quite get was, the harder you hide it, the more details I get. It’s way easier to just tell me, or not try to hide it. It won’t ping my radar that way.
I’m not inebriated tonight and I still lost my point. I think I was headed towards why, did I remove myself from the forum? I’ve cut many ties over the last 11 days and not one of them has mattered enough for me to feel any bit of sadness, remorse or any of that, so why do I give a shit about the forum? I’m not even sure. I guess that’s why I was letting my thoughts roam, I was trying to figure it out. I just know, I knew that I had to step back or I was going to end up without having a choice-even if I’m not sure I need the choice.
That’s price you know, when you stand up and take away someones lesson for them. Why do I do it? Why do I save people? Why do I intervene? Something in me and this whole working for the goddess of soothing comfort I guess. I always try to lesson the blows for those I care about. I won’t do it for just anyone, but sometimes I hear the calling deep inside me, and I stand up and take that blow for someone else. They didn’t deserve it or they were innocent, or they shouldn’t have to go through that or whatever. But it cost me. Every single time it’s come at a price. They didn’t have to go through the lesson, but I ended up having to suffer for it, in one way or another.
I guess I stepped away, because this isn’t my lesson. It’s someone else’s and if I took that blow for them, I’d be the one who had to pay for it. I’d be taking away my right to choose, and even if I don’t know that I need or want this, it’s still my damned right to choose and they aren’t worth it and have shown me that a few times. They quite simply don’t deserve another chance to prove me wrong about them. So my instinct to protect and save and make things easier runs deep, but I’m learning to choose my battles. Sometimes that might mean locking myself away where I can’t see it or react to it and I can pretend it’s not there, even though I won’t, I’ll worry and think on it a few more times but it’s done- I choose for me, and they can have their lesson ready or not. It isn’t my problem if they don’t see the lesson, I tried to point it out but it’s not on me to do so. Goodness knows I’m certain I have one or even a few of them coming my way anyways.
How could I not lessons coming, when Loki, Lilith, Samedi, Kalfu and my ubi walk up with a proposal. I mean I sat here and laughed at myself for like three days. Does this not promise to be a shit show like I’ve never seen before? It’s damned sure to be. I’m almost certain of it. But I choose my path, and I somehow, deep inside know that at the end of this stretch, it won’t seem as bad as it does now, or as hard as it was walk through the shit show and make it out the other side.
Funny, spirits can be so clear some days, and yet give you actually no information to go on. If I had all those little missing pieces, I wouldn’t have sat here laughing at myself before I decided to answer that call. But then, they know me. How could I not answer and possibly give up might lead to new gains, to a new place, to a new life. Isn’t that what I want, a new life? I keep saying I’d give anything to be anywhere but here- take me back a year, take me forward, I just want away from here, because while it’s not that bad, being stuck in my mind certainly leaves you wondering if it might be. I handle it alright most days, but some days… I’m not suicidal and I can’t stand pain but if I could choose to just stop existing, I damned sure would, so. How could I not answer the call and see what this shit show is going to be about? At least I can bitch if it’s not what I hoped for, but if I just ignored it and stayed here in interim…. Gosh how much can you complain about your own unwillingness to choose what the fck you want in life? I don’t think I could, at least not beyond the few people I’m willing to talk to it about. They get it, everything is there for them too, options and all but it’s hard to take actions when you’re not sure what you want so they too sit in interim, waiting for something to decide for them.
So I decided. I thought about it long and hard and about what I want this life to be like and now, I just have to go get it. Some of it’s not even that hard, seems like the act of simply deciding has opened some of the doors I wasn’t sure about. I didn’t plan out the minute details, but rather the overall scene. It’s pretty clear now that I know where I want to go. Handy, I like when things are easy almost as much as I like when they are falling apart and I have to rely on instinct to keep it together. Ah yes. I thrive in chaos. I don’t understand it, I actually hate it, yet… that is where I thrive and a look at the spirits that approached me, and something in me says they kinda do too. I don’t know them all that well, only some of them but I’m starting to look forward to the shit show, goodness only knows for sure what it’s going to bring my way.
Side note, I started the next step of my shadow working and of my path, and but it’s very much current life, so I’m separating that out to a new journal here: The Keys of Ocat: A Necromantic Journey