I’m sitting here, looking out the lone window in my living space. There’s a small window in the bathtub area, but it really doesn’t effect my day. The sun is out today, or rather it was as it’s already begin to lower from the sky and drift behind the nearby mountains.
I’m obviously inebriated, despite the early hour, because well I’m alone again so I can be, so why the fck not. But it’s obvious because the word mountains, triggered thoughts about how different the mountains are here. How small they are in comparison to the mountains out west. How dreary the winter is without sun, and how many more people there are here, even in this rural community- I’m not far from the next one. But when I was in Washington state, you could drive quite a ways before you ever hit the next town and most of them, you’d wonder why the fck they bothered giving it a towns name. Really you would.
But I’m off topic. Funny how those factors were sometimes annoying yet, they are so damned appealing in life today. Granted it was even more remote, so my getting supplies daily dilemma would be more of an issue but. I’d go back in a heartbeat. If somehow, someway, 2600 miles wasn’t a barrier to seeing my children, one that they just can’t withstand going through again until it’s their choice and not mine that there is distance between us, but if somehow that was not a problem, I’d be on the next train home.
It’s not even home, I don’t understand why I feel that way about, despite being off topic to what I wanted to note. Washington isn’t home. I have nobody there. An ex-roommate that I’ve not spoken to since May and a man with troubles of his own that I could help, but he doesn’t want my help so for now, they are troubles of his own. Yet somehow Washington is the place I call home.
So it’s not family, it’s not friends. I don’t have anyone in those departments here either, the closest would be to go back to Oklahoma, but that isn’t home. Not anymore than here is. Old friends I haven’t spoken to in 20 years sure. Family I’ve not seen since my mothers funeral, oh like 8 years ago? Old employers, small towns, explanations to give of how fckd up my adult life has been, to people who don’t care but would ask cuz curiosity is a human thing? I mean I did up and just leave and never look back. No one out there knows anything more than the bare minimum.
I think I’m good. There’s not really much I miss, other than the weather never got as cold, and snow didn’t happen. The summers weren’t humid, but Oklahoma represents all my awkward years. All the years I didn’t own who and what I was. That I let people walk over me, and use me and make fun of me, and not once did I ever stand for myself.
That’s why Oklahoma isn’t home. What excuse does Pennsylvania have? I mean I still haven’t gotten to my topic, but I swear this is more interesting ramblings anyways. At least to the topic of the journal- which is Current Past Lives. I’m not really sure I’m learning anything here, but I find how the human mind works very interesting. Especially mine, but all human minds. I analyze everything, so naturally I even analyze my own thoughts. What do they mean to me, what do I think this or that, where did that habit come from, etc.
So anyways, what does Pennsylvania, have to say for itself? 14 years is a long time, its not quite the 19 I did growing up in Oklahoma but. It’s enough, and its going to get there because of reasons so. Why isn’t this place home? Why do I hate it so damned much? Is it because most of the people to be on the rude side? Is it because weeds not legal and few are very open minded about anything, let alone weed here? Is it the long dreary winters and high humidity?
Or is it me? Is there something inside of me that just rejects this place because it’s not someplace else and none of these factors matter at all? Is it the history I have here? I don’t really have any history other than employment wise, and with my ex’s family. I was never really allowed to have friends, my step family is gone, and well I am awfully fcking alone some days. But that bothered me in Washington too. So it’s not that, because I would definitely be bothered by being alone too many days in a row, and honestly I am on a real long stretch right now, for months I’ve not left except to occasionally walk across the street to the gas station, and it seems. That I’m getting better at doing alone.
Alone last year was new and scary. I mean I’d not lived alone since I was 19 years old. I only did it then for 3 months anyways. So alone when I got here in July was scary, because even in Washington, I had a roommate, and a boyfriend. A domestic violence shelter full of woman. I was never truly alone there, even though I might go up to an entire seven days alone. There was always someone to text or call or ignore. I was overdramatic about it really, but to be fair I’d been a mom a long time. It’d only been a few years with my lung condition, so while I had already dealt with the bulk of the not being able to work drama, I had drama over being alone. Even at 11 and 13, my kids were in my face non stop. Plus I had an ex. So I thought I was real lonely in Washington, it doesn’t even begin to compare however to now, and well I’m coping pretty well there so. It’s not the loneliness
It’s definitely not the internet. I can say that with confidence cuz I wanted to try Comcast for 13 years and now that I have it, god I’ll never not have cable internet for my gaming, unless it just isn’t offered again.
So where does that leave me? What do I actually hold against this place? Is it the people who form tight little clicks in this community and laugh at you from the outside? I mean a little. This is the only place in my entire life that I’ve ever noted for being this bad about it. I mean everyone thinks they know everything about me, mostly from my ex-husbands claims, and in actuality, not one of them knows anything, unless my name and kids names and his counts. I also have to give some points here, I never could before but one of my ex-husbands aunts reached out to me on Facebook, and then her two daughters and well. Her husband and son made my ex made at them like four years ago. He’s still not speaking to them, they live like less than 2 miles apart and his reasons weren’t completely just him being a dick, but he became the biggest dick in the ordeal. But his family, the family that’s on the outs for being the black sheep and standing up for themselves, well they reached out to me. Offering support and transportation aid. Granted I’m sure I’ll never take it, because I don’t like to use people, but I mean I gotta give credit where credit is do. It was nice of them, amazing actually.
So I look back out the window, with like a tear on my cheek, because I know to an extent why this is not home and never will be. It’s because, I did a lot of wrong things. I did a lot of right things here too, but I did so many more wrong. I didn’t believe in myself. I’m a damned good and hard worker and yet, when I look back at how I moved through the ranks with employers and did so well… I still was always lazy. I like to pretend that well it isn’t so bad, … I’ve even said at least I know I gave it 100%, but that’s not fcking true. I was lazy. I’ve always been lazy. I graduated with a 4.62 gpa, 7th in my class, and that’s because I was fcking lazy.
I never once studied for anything. I always did my homework for one class in another. Teachers liked me and overlooked my rushed mistakes because they knew I could do it. I slept through 12th grade fcking English class every mother fcking day, and would score so high on my book reports that my English teacher let me sleep and didn’t care that I couldn’t grammar because I was one of the only students she’d ever had that could write a 20 page book report instead of 4, and keep it interesting without plagiarizing the book.
Lol and that’s not even getting into my adult life. To be fair, there were times I couldn’t When my kids were babies, my son cried all night, I worked second shift and my daughter got up at 6 am- while my ex-husband slept all night and I got yelled at for taking a nap. But I’m still lazy, cuz that was only a few years and I am still lazy to this day.
Also if I’m going to hold my high school self imposed failures on Oklahoma, well then no wonder Pennsylvania is not home. This is the place that I let myself get put into a tiny little cage and because I am an empath, I would never hurt anyone else to help me. I could never save money no matter how hard I tried and I could never hurt someone, to free myself. So it go worse and festered and eventually it became a situation where if I didn’t, I knew I wasn’t going to be anymore. Either my actions would end my life, maybe I’d be life in jail or dead or his would. Pretty much same scenario.
So that’s why I don’t like this place. I mean it has lots of other things against it like the weather and my lungs but. Mostly, I want to forget and move on from most of this shit and its hard. It’s hard because there’s always someone who doesn’t know or doesn’t understand or believed I was really in a mental institution for gambling till I came home in May so… I can’t. I have to face it and deal with it and yeah hiding out alone is not so bad when you just want to avoid life. No wonder being alone became so easy, cuz out there. I just don’t like explaining how I got to be where I am, and man. You either dos that when you meet new peoples or you make something up or you just don’t say but its part of me. My story doesn’t make sense without, so sometimes, it has to be told or you find me ducking under questions and hoping not to bump into that person again… like ever… in a town of 1500…
I think that’s enough mind analyses for one day. I know I’ve been working up to that one for a while, I’ve been calling Washington home since the day I got back. The only thing I can determine for sure is maybe home is truly where your heart is. Maybe it’s because I had friendships there, that were amazing. The kind where you knew no matter what, the other person had your back. I left those there. I kinda miss it tbh, and I’m not stupid enough to think going back means I’ll find more of those, but the emotional attachments must, in same way influence where the home is.
Sadly now that I can get back to the original topic, it was also a mind thing. I was looking out my window this afternoon, enjoying the rare beaming rays of the sun and I noticed how dirty my window is. Not like dirty but like fingerprints and outside weather. It made me think of how my ex husband and my roommate, couldn’t stand dirty windows. To the point of ridiculousness, yet me?
I don’t even care. Not the inside, not the outside the only way I care about fingerprints on the windows, is if they are dirty or I’m trying to see and can’t see a detail because of it. But my windows facing a mountain and some houses. Nothing I’ll ever be trying to see a fine detail on. It’s amusing because I can’t stand clutter. I hate dirty dishes and laundry sitting around, I don’t like when the kids leave their bed unmade and though I hate sweeping the floor and half ass it all the time cuz it’s not actually dirty… I can’t leave it undone. So why the flying fck, don’t my windows ever need to be cleaned? I mean how does my mind work that most dirtys are bad, but dirty windows are whatever? lol what can I learn from this? I don’t even know yet, but there must be some inner significance or maybe not but I’m inebriated and well the human mind is so interesting to me. How did we get there, from here.
I slept from like 10 am till nearly 10pm other than potty breaks.
If only I knew what all this hope was for…