I haven’t been active on the forum in weeks. But my magical practice has none the less, not had much of a pause. I’ve had a social life here lately, so while I’m often where I do not have cell phone service, I’ve still been at it, and there’s been more than healthy dose of drama going on in my mundane life.
It all started with telling Anziel, I had no desire for him to move in with me. I’d spent weeks arguing with him, avoiding him, and just pretty certain that I couldn’t live with someone who couldn’t respect me enough to hear what I say, though he could often repeat what I said, and would be all no I hear you, well clearly not since he showed up at my doorstep anyways.
I even had a friend hear me, tell him 6 days in a row I’d changed my mind. They at first agreed, I was just scared of change but then after I got downright mean about it, they got it. I tried to be the nice guy, and when someone unwanted showed up anyways, I continued to play the part.
At least until they broke my only two house rules regarding my minor daughter. Then all bets were off and I found myself in active, mundane- bitch mode.
The only thing I could think was well, I tried to be nice, tried to take the blame, tried to do what was right- but no one fucks with my livelihood, leeches off me or puts my custody agreement at risk.
I’ve contemplated whether or not even bother keeping journals anymore. I don’t feel it’s particularly necessary yet… I find myself constantly going over things in my mind. Words that form sentences that form paragraphs, of shit I just probably need to let loose of.
I think about how someone decided to hole up in my bed, refuse to get help or leave and I go well. Honestly I was not nearly as mean as I could have been. Making someone realize that while I had been hopeful and I tried real hard, truth is it was only just another conquest for me, so sorry about your hurt feelers, and baneful magic you’ve been trying to effect me with. Good luck on that, I don’t have time to even bother actively deflecting such whimpy attempts to harm me and mine.
Then I laugh to myself, because I realize that when the momma bear comes out or I get downright irate or mean over something someone said about J, that no one knows my weakness. We all have one, and I know exactly what mine is, and so does one other living person- but he’s not going to tell. He’ll take it to the grave to keep me safe.
I still wouldn’t recommend pissing with anything I call mine, just cuz you never know what might trigger that inner bitch, or what back pocket cards I have on you, or what my secrets really are- I’m really good at keeping to myself anything that could actually harm me, and making people think they know me- but goodness help anyone who ever trips over what my real weakness is. It wouldn’t hurt me as much as it would them, and I know that for fact. My flight or fight instinct runs too deep, and just thinking about anyone going there, makes it very clear to me exactly what I’d be willing to do for that weakness. Let them think it’s my kids or J. Better for them that they do.
So I don’t really have a point to this ramble, other than to say roughly 3 weeks ago, I made a decision that 360’d my life and changed my future trajectory completely. It’s been really great, I’ve been really happy with my decision, super pleased with my magic and it’s ability to come in right away, and I’ve had a lot of time to think and process things.
A lot of time to wonder if I’ll ever change. The answer is probably not. There’s all of one person in the life that’s presence in my life, affects me in a way that makes me honest and true, and there’s really no point in pursuing much else, so sorry to hear about your luck, I tried for your sake because I felt bad when I realized it was just another game to me, but damned. Shame on you for fucking with my life, you left me no choice but to send ya packing- and mundanely, because it wasn’t even necessary or worth expending magical energy.