Notes from a Diosa de la locura

Translation: Notes from a Goddess of Madness. Aka Hysteria. Yay word play!

Alright so I figured I’d make a personal journal to keep track of all the weird shit that goes on with me, or just for the fun of it. I have absolutely no idea what I’ll add here, probably dream recordings and experiences with specific spirits or deities at most, but who knows? Hopefully whatever I write here will be of interest to at least SOMEONE. x3

For now, have a self empowerment haiku.

I can feel it on my tongue
May it embrace me


So tonight I’ve made the decision to speak with Lucifer and ask him for a Hellhound as a form of Protection. I’ve heard of people working with them in the past and feel that having one around me might give some nasty roommates enough of a buzz off vibe to leave me alone. Plus, who wouldn’t want a dog from hell around? Sounds pretty sweet if you ask me. :wink:


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Alright so, to give a small update, I’ve written out a few of my first poetic spells and have asked Lucifer for a dog. Because he wasn’t seen as “Dad” enough I guess so I just had to beg him for one. :stuck_out_tongue:

Anyway, I won’t say what the spells were until after a month. I want to see if I see results or not by forgetting them entirely. However, in a month I’ll be sure to update both my experiences with my small spellcasting experiment and whether or not I was given a dog by da- I mean Lord Lucifer.

(No he’s not my real dad, or even adoptive dad. It’s a running joke between him and I that I’m pretty sure he rolls his eyes at).

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Sounds like eating chocolate

I have a running joke with Azazel and Astaroth, it is when I mention “all those nurturing experiences” as a codename for the ordeals that they have put me through


Honestly, chocolate is a pretty delicious treat so I’ll take the comparison lol. As for said nurturing experiences…yes. I love it. xD

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Just here to write a small public thank you to my pantheon and spirit buddies for all that they’ve done, and their patience with me. :heart:

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A list of personal goals to put my intent out into the universe. These goals are subject to change at any given time.

Important Note:

Once something is officially attained and/or completed to a level that I am satisfied with, I will cross it out here.

If something is not crossed out, it doesn’t mean i haven’t done it by technicality, I’m just not satisfied enough with my abilities to cross it out.

General Goals:

:black_small_square:︎ Build a solid foundation
:black_small_square:︎Properly ground, center, and shield myself accordingly
:black_small_square:︎ Attain a state of mental mastery
:black_small_square:︎ Properly cast, banish, cleanse, dispel, invoke, and envoke accordingly
:black_small_square:︎ Attain a state of positive Spellwork, ritual work, and self enhancement
:black_small_square:︎ Become a certified reiki master
:black_small_square:︎ Properly astral project, astral travel, actively lucid dream, and generally speaking open up my senses accordingly
:black_small_square:︎ Train under and be declared a Shaman by a Teacher/Master and/or Guru (whatever title is appropriate)
:black_small_square:︎ Train under various other practitioners that will go unnamed out of respect
:black_small_square:︎ Regularly induce powerful change through my Spellwork
:black_small_square:︎ As the forum title says, become a living god(dess)

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That is their greatest gift for their chosen

If they weren’t patient with me I’d likely get my ass kicked. A lot. XD

Tonight - technically today as I’m nocturnal - I had an interesting experience. I woke up, a sleep paralysis-like effect, as I could see my sheets over me as well as the glow of the sun peering through them from the window.

I conciously began to will myself outward, to reach that light, and it worked almost instantly as I getting closer and closer. However, the loud high pitched ringing in my ears wound up scaring me and I retreated back into my body.

I heard myself, perhaps my higher self(?), tell me that it was okay. It was normal to be scared, and that I’d get another chance sometime soon to try again. As quick as the experience was, it was still a very surreal and comforting one. I’m not sure if someone was there with me, but I felt at ease throughout the experience.

Also, I’ve noticed something small about things like sleep paralysis and Astral projection. I tend to have a much higher chance of triggering it when I’ve been waking up and going back to sleep, or sleeping during the day after having already slept a bit the night before.

I’ve heard of the wide awake back to sleep method in the past so, based on experience, for those having trouble triggering projection doing that method may help you. Just a little friendly tip from your local creature. Carry on!

I’ve been feeling watched for the past few days, even followed around the apartment as I walk. Earlier today I saw someone out of the peripheral of my vision watching me before seemingly “wavering” out of existence as I turned to look at them.

I work with Spirits, but I’ve never been sensitive to them nor do I have particularly strong senses. My greatest strengths are my instinct and Claircognizance. So it’s surprising to see something so blatant.

I’ve seen things in my peripheral before, small ink like dashes in the air, orbs, figures in doorways…this is the second time I’ve actively seen something while awake that couldn’t be shaken off as possible sleep paralysis. So it’s pretty rad.

Question now is, whether it’s a Spirit I work with, or a Demon I’ve asked to help me paying a visit. Or someone else entirely? Hmmm…

Normally I can feel when I’m going to have a particularly meaningful dream. I am often lethargic for no reason, yawning, and I get sick if I fight off sleep for a long amount of time. Today, I fought it for the entire day, and I went to a Hookah lounge to further relax and attempt to shake off whatever parasite was making me tired. I’m not skilled enough to recognize energy differences beyond “safe” and “unsafe”. So I couldn’t tell if it was personal tiredness or something else. Whatever the case when I got home I became so ill that I passed out nigh immediately.

I had many messages given to me…

The first one took place in a car. A truck, to be specific. It resembled my father’s, which I haven’t been in since I was a tiny thing incapable of drinking without a sippy cup.

I was in the passenger seat, and I can’t remember whether my seat belt was on or not. The car smelled remarkably clean, which wasn’t normal, considering my father was a dirty man. Though looking to my right, it made sense, as it wasn’t my Father driving, but the man I live with currently.

He and I were speaking, laughing, joking, but I’ve forgotten about what. The cars around us were zipping by at a quick pace, and I realized it was because he was driving too fast, and avoiding them as he went. At first I grew scared, as being in cars generally freaks me out a bit, but I acclimated as I realized he seemed to have control of the situation.

Then a car turned sideways ahead of us, and gunfire began. I’m not sure if this was some form of gang war that we got caught up in, or if the man beside me was the target. Either way, they didn’t want us there as they shot at us wildly. Someone pulled up beside us. He was very handsome; dark skin, bright eyes, a goatee, oh and also he was pointing a gun right at me. That was hot. [I’m lying…mostly]

The man to my right seemed to ignore this new threat, who drove in perfect sync with us, and slowly moved his gun passed me to point at my driver [who was moving to body block for me, and took a bullet in the rib] before turning it to shoot at the people ahead of us. He was on our side, but seemed pretty good at looking like he wasn’t. I was already debating on blocking his shot before he turned his gun. The fact that I had to debate it at all bothers me.

The fight seemed to end then, there wasn’t any gunfire anymore and all that was ahead of us was a stretch of road. The man with the gun was beside me now, and was very friendly with me. Too friendly. I was glad he helped us, but I was uncomfortable with his closeness. I looked to the driver, who seemed oblivious, so I asked if he was okay and he said thank you quite loudly. Was he waiting for me to ask? Looking at his rib I guess that would make sense. Though it didn’t seem to effect him much.

We wound up pulling up to an apartment complex, where I assume the other man lived. In that complex things become a bit blurry. I remember recieving a package I ordered, and I remember looking at the name of where I ordered it from in the dream…but forgetting it as soon as I woke up. Seems to be a pattern lately.

I thought the package was surprisingly early, as I’d ordered it that very day, but happily opened it anyway. Inside was an amulet of Azazel (I think) as well as a small letter, a larger sheet of paper, and a very large stack of money. Which I carefully separated and began to hide. Afraid that my driver would inevitably take it from me.

I didn’t get to take a good look at the amulet or read the papers, as I was distracted by small, pixie-sized kittens running around the room. I spent time collecting them and putting them in a hiding space - an easy bake oven style contraption - but I would become afraid they couldn’t breathe or would accidentally press the button so I’d rush to open the door and they’d all run out…and the process would start all over again.

I didn’t want to hurt the kittens. Quite the contrary, I wanted to protect them, but I didn’t know how to. I just knew that if others saw them, they’d be doomed. For some reason.

The home that we went to felt more like a foster home then anything. Time slowly changed, and I was walking down the road with a foster father who had passed away a few years ago. It was around this time that what others were saying while I was asleep was sinking into my dreams, so I didn’t really take too much said seriously. We were looking for food, and I remembered that some was left in a car parked far enough away from the farmers market. When we got to the car we decided we wanted McDonald’s, so we went back without the instant noodles. When we arrived there, I expressed that I didn’t want the woman (his wife) to know that I had money or take it from me. I would use her card, as my money was in her bank account anyway. Which made the previous statement confusing. He seemed fine with this logic, and we sat down to get food, but the woman arrived asking for the change I’d recieved. I told her that it was mine, as the money in her bank was mine, and she grew angry at this and stormed off. I told the man that I was reaching my breaking point with her, and he seemed upset…but not with me. More just sad for me.

The dream slowly ended after that.

I’d had both of these dreams while thinking of Azazel, and the amulet I recieved in the dream felt important to me. I wish I remembered the name of the website I’d gotten it from…

So today I had help with a sensual spell. I’m confident it will work, but how it will manifest I’m unable to predict. We’ll see how it goes!

Another small thank you to Lord Paimon for all his aid recently. :heart:

I’ve recieved a lot of practice work from my teacher. Most of it is difficult to do at this time due to being in the broom closet, but he said that I could start whenever I felt ready to and it wouldn’t hurt wait as long as I needed to in order to feel safe. So I’m grateful for that.

I can’t talk extensively about the work for privacy reasons, but it has to do with cleansing and strengthening my energy, as well as attracting others. Mostly in manners of friendship and trust. People tend to feel one of two ways about me (drawn or distant) so I want to try and balance myself out a bit to see if I can mitigate some of the latter fear. I enjoy respectable power, not making others afraid, so hopefully these lessons — however long they take to complete — will result in a stronger and better me.

Aside from that, the sensual spell has worked. Slightly. Someone who normally refuses to see me has agreed to visit me in order to drop off some things I left at their house. Whether this is to get rid of a connection to me, or to have an excuse to see me, I cannot say for sure. I really want it to be the latter, and I’m going to be putting positive thoughts into the universe in attempts to sway things in my favor.

I’ve picked out an image of Paimon to be my phone background for awhile as a small display of acknowledgment and appreciation for his work. There’s not much else to it — I’m just appreciative for the abundance that has been placed before me.

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I had a similar one of Alloces :heart:

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They’re almost a comfort to look at, aren’t they?

I’ve just recently had the honor of being introduced to some very powerful astral entities. Soon I’ll be meeting a demoness as well, who according to one, seems eager to know me. I can only hope I don’t disappoint her by not having whatever it is she’s hoping to find in me.

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I love iconography, such is the iconography of the post-Christian era