Really really really honestly not trying to be all grimdark 2spoopy4u
…but…
i think i’m “allergic” to light energy…
some background: father tried to raise me catholic… didnt work so well as i naturally was repelled by the dogma and couldnt ever pay attention in church. i would completely zone out and retreat into my imagination.
I renounced my “faith” (didnt have much of it to renounce lul) and i began exploring “the dark” (more) when I was in highschool. I didn’t read books on the occult or anything till years later, but I felt at home in the darkness i surrounded myself in. I would sit alone in the dark at night, breathing in the tranquil blackness and basking in the feeling of mystery that came with it. I let my mind wander wherever it pleased. I learned a lot about myself in those times.
a decade or so later, my life was turned upside down, i unearthed an inner truth which saved my life, but i lost practically everything. I was forced to move to a different country, as I (perhaps) would not have been able to survive in my former homeland. Luckily, I was not a complete stranger to this new country, as I had been a citizen there from birth and had lots of welcoming family there…
but still, i felt raw and exposed and vulnerable in this new place, having to learn so much in so little time. I had to face this moslty on my own and loneliness crept in and sank its hooks in me. Yes, i had family here, but they were busy with their own lives, so i had to fend for myself 95% of the time. So, I turned to people on facebook, and that led to getting acquainted with RHP people and New Age cuckoos… Theirs was a promise of healing and love, which i desperately longed for, so I began to learn about their ways of light and tried my hand at their practices.
Things seemed to be going well for a time. I was interacting with people more and developing my abilities. My potential was even recognized by a close-knit group of empaths belonging to one particular group on the book of face, and was invited into their fold to help do readings and healing for others. I was a shoe-in and would eagerly help out whenever i could… until one day i did a reading for someone who had a past similar to mine… someone who naturally loved the dark, but then was mindfucked by Practitioners of White Woo into feeling guilt and shame for embracing a natural part of the self.
I told him “dont be afraid of who you are and what you love…” but he had been severely damaged mentally and emotionally… I peered into his soul and beheld sickening things that still haunt me to this day, from time to time, and it takes huge effort to force them out of my mind. I became confused… why was this person’s darkness suddenly feeling threatening to me? I lost sense of both who i was and who i was desperately trying to be to fit in… Then came along a predatory little shitstain, sensing my confusion and imbalance, and he worked his parasitic little fingers deep into my mind like maggots into a gaping, necrotic wound.
He, too, promised love and light… but behind the facade was an obscured bent of domination. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker 
He would spend as much time as possible preaching to me about how he was close to “god” and how he was going to be famous for writing a new chapter in the bible… He spewed all kinds of bullshit, which, in my blinded state, I lapped up gratefully.
Days, or weeks, passed… I cant really recall much, but maybe thats for the best. My mental and emotional state declined, and i was suddenly filled with anxiety and paranoia about things i’d never worried about at any point in my life previous to this torturous period. I begged him, and everyone else in every “love and light” corner of the internet i could find, for help, for healing. Many of them pitched in, but things just got worse and worse… until ultimately, I was convinced that I was truly alone in this universe, that literally everyone else was merely a puppet controlled by powers that were set out to jail and enslave me, and that the only way to escape was through suicide…
Let me make one thing clear, this wasnt just highly irregular behavior and thinking for me, it was something unprecedented in my entire family history. Sure, some of my family suffered from depression, but never psychosis, never delusions… yet here i was, standing, sobbing in the bath tub, convinced i had to end it all. But those of the light were helping me! they were! they were sending their high vibrational mojo from their respective corners, imbuing me with their love! …but it all was like a fucking anchor that was bringing me down deeper into this hellish purgatory…
Finally, something snapped in me. Something said “fuck this, this isnt who i am, I AM IN CONTROL HERE” and then, as an unstoppable force of nature, as a tidal wave obliterating a beaver dam, the void, the darkness, the love of my TRUE light rushed back into me. Once again, I was free! I felt exhilaration as I propped myself up by my own power and hurried to tell my close “friend” of the “light” who I really was! I foolishly thought he would accept me, for he preached nothing but love and acceptance of all… but i was sorely disappointed as he abandoned me in a heartbeat… “oh, i dont like that…” and suddenly he BLOCKED me from facebook. Well, so much for “holy unconditional love”…
so anyway, I learned my lesson (or so I thought), but decided to take a break from all things occult and spiritual until I had fully recovered from the ordeal. Fast-forward a few years, and I find myself here on BALG. I thought, “oh hey cool! i remember seeing EA and BALG in its infancy about a decade ago when i first ventured onto the LHP! Let’s see how it’s come along!”
Lo and behold, I find myself feeling at home in this little nook. BUT, thinking I could now handle more than ever before, and being told I gotta do this and that with “light” and save the darkness for only these other things, I began pumping white energy into my chakras and trying to heal old wounds with “light”… GUESS WHAT!? The same fucking paranoia and feelings of powerlessness crept right back in… I thought “well maybe it’s just temporary as I adjust to a new way of doing things”, seemingly forgetting that i’d been down this road before… Once again, things just got worse and worse the more i exposed myself to the “light”. I didnt want to accept that it was doing harm, but the proof is in the pudding, right? So, finally listening to my intuition, I decided to channel in dark energies instead… and the paranoia and uneasiness and the mind-wracking physical symptoms stopped! They just went POOF! GONE!
I really am confused by this… I really dont want to come off like an edgy highschool mall goth wannabe-vampire who bares their plastic faux fangs at the sun, trying to hiss while choking on a bit of phlegm and snot… and… while I genuinely tried… REALLY TRIED… TWICE… to incorporate the white light into my repertoire… it fucking burned me, and it was the DARKNESS that patched up my wounds, it was the DARKNESS that breathed life back into me…
what the fuck is “wrong” with me?? 
anyone else experience this, one way or the other?
is there any way to get over this “allergy” so i can become more eclectic and varied in my abilities? or am i just supposed to accept that i’m some kind of sooper scary grim frostbitten kvlt forest-dwelling night-humping horned cloven-hooved vaginally-toothed pitch-belching chthonic monster? 
cant believe its been that long lol time went fast 
