I’m new to the forum and to Satanism so apologies for the total noobe questions, in fact I only recently renounced the fake so called god, the enemy, and took an interest in Satan.
Last week, Thursday 6th July I performed my initiation and felt liberated.
I’m Hindu and we have many gods and whilst I wasn’t brought up as a strict Hindu I always felt that there was ‘another’ always in the background watching me and trying to offer me something more than the enemy, not evil, not malicious but to assist, I just needed ‘allow’ this other entity to step in and help.
My life has been very tormented from childhood and up to now at the age of 53. I’ve had a harsh upbringing, was tortured and beaten when I was a kid. Always told I was worthless and made me feel like a total failure in anything and everything I do in life. I’m setup to fail!
I’ve endured many personal, financial, health, love problems to name but a few. I always turned to the enemy for help but felt that I had to prove my loyalty to him/her. Even then I felt I was being toyed with, felt I was being laughed at and was not worthy of help. I felt let down and humiliated, tormented and rejected by this so called higher power.
Only a few months ago I got rid of all the gods in a rage of anger and felt enough was enough as all the help I asked for was failing. Statues, photos of the Hindu gods around my house all got taken down and put away in the shed (my wife would not let me throw them out!). It’s only now that I felt that the other entity that’s been watching over me was in fact my true lord, Lord Satan. Immediately I felt relief, love, acceptance. I’ve been involved in petty crime such as shoplifting, stealing money when I was a child and felt that Lord Satan understood why I did those things and wasn’t interested in punishing me for that.
So, following the instructions of initiation from http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/SATANIC.html I followed it through carefully. Again I felt a sense of calm, relief, belonging however, since then though I’ve not felt very much, I’ve been speaking with our Lord Satan/Lucifer of my problems, one being a love interest with a women at my workplace (I know, I’m married but will explain in another post). As with the previous so called god I’m feeling anxious of abandonment and the strong feeling for Lord Satan is all but a very mild one most of the time.
Am I asking too much too soon? Could I have made a mistake in the initiation though I followed it through carefully? Is it normal to feel this way sometimes? I’m very new to this and don’t know much about Satanism, only that our Lord was inviting me to finally join him but now feel he has gone. Am I doing something wrong?
Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.