Greetings,
I am really happy to have found this website. I immediately signed up after reading Lady Eva’s RHP story. I’m still reading other threads, and this thread especially resonated with me:
So, you want to do black magick, huh? - #3 by MagusOfGamaliel .
The part about experiencing death through past/alternate/parallel lives is key to me. Since childhood, I’ve had a strong sense of not being “just me”, and was frustrated when my mother told me that she loved me because I was her daughter. I was very upset, and from a very, very young age I hated the idea of gaining anything, even just love or specific intimacy, just because of who I am… because I could be anyone, and just a whole other range of feelings I can’t quite distill right now.
I went on a hedonistic binge last winter (2018-2019). Spent lots of money, had a good amount of sex. It was cathartic but also stressful. I had been raised strictly Christian, but had doubted it all my life and had “sympathized” with demons and Lucifer, even if they don’t need sympathy. More like I felt more connected to them and felt a deeper and deeper hatred toward the dogma of monotheism and selfishness of the god of the Bible. The binge was a way to finally “detox” in a way.
I calmed down, did chakra balancing, learned reiki and started studying a lot of RHP stuff. I went to series of ceremonies for the Template. The Template changed everything for me when someone mentioned that angels might actually just be shepherds for us, like sheep being led to the slaughter and surrendering our own sovereignty. That upsets me and resonates with me. I had been attempting to work with angels, but it doesn’t feel right anymore… or maybe it never felt right. I tried joining other voodoo and hoodoo groups, but that doesn’t resonate either. I feel no connections to “ancestors” and physical lineages… again… that whole “I’m not just me” feeling.
I started listening to podcasts after feeling like I crossed a major crossroads during the winter of the binge. I could distinctly feel that separate reality created and that “other me” living her life while I went on this timeline. I read the Sophia Code and resonated to the Hathor part with multiple realities, but haven’t touched it much since. What I think of now are my dreams from a young age and waking up in altered states to this day. Body feeling weak and healthy while sometimes I still feel like I’m in those other places.
My heart hasn’t been into the RHP and meaningless ceremonies don’t appeal to me. I’ll do them to appease a demon or other entity, but not to manifest something on my own. I distinctly feel that I AM enough. It’s a deep belief and what made me reject Christianity so strongly in the past. So many times it feels like I’m not reading or learning things for the first time, but just remembering or accessing them from else where.
I’m going to keep reading threads and looking through resources on the website. I paid a lot travel and go to the Template in a different country. I’m hungry and seeking and I will offer what I can to get the knowledge that I seek. I don’t have any specific material desires besides general comfort and bliss… I want knowledge. I want to KNOW deep within me that I can have whatever I want. I don’t need things themselves. I just want that knowing.
Looking forward to learning and sharing with you all,
Ren
