New (?) and Seeking

Greetings,

I am really happy to have found this website. I immediately signed up after reading Lady Eva’s RHP story. I’m still reading other threads, and this thread especially resonated with me:
So, you want to do black magick, huh? .

The part about experiencing death through past/alternate/parallel lives is key to me. Since childhood, I’ve had a strong sense of not being “just me”, and was frustrated when my mother told me that she loved me because I was her daughter. I was very upset, and from a very, very young age I hated the idea of gaining anything, even just love or specific intimacy, just because of who I am… because I could be anyone, and just a whole other range of feelings I can’t quite distill right now.

I went on a hedonistic binge last winter (2018-2019). Spent lots of money, had a good amount of sex. It was cathartic but also stressful. I had been raised strictly Christian, but had doubted it all my life and had “sympathized” with demons and Lucifer, even if they don’t need sympathy. More like I felt more connected to them and felt a deeper and deeper hatred toward the dogma of monotheism and selfishness of the god of the Bible. The binge was a way to finally “detox” in a way.

I calmed down, did chakra balancing, learned reiki and started studying a lot of RHP stuff. I went to series of ceremonies for the Template. The Template changed everything for me when someone mentioned that angels might actually just be shepherds for us, like sheep being led to the slaughter and surrendering our own sovereignty. That upsets me and resonates with me. I had been attempting to work with angels, but it doesn’t feel right anymore… or maybe it never felt right. I tried joining other voodoo and hoodoo groups, but that doesn’t resonate either. I feel no connections to “ancestors” and physical lineages… again… that whole “I’m not just me” feeling.

I started listening to podcasts after feeling like I crossed a major crossroads during the winter of the binge. I could distinctly feel that separate reality created and that “other me” living her life while I went on this timeline. I read the Sophia Code and resonated to the Hathor part with multiple realities, but haven’t touched it much since. What I think of now are my dreams from a young age and waking up in altered states to this day. Body feeling weak and healthy while sometimes I still feel like I’m in those other places.

My heart hasn’t been into the RHP and meaningless ceremonies don’t appeal to me. I’ll do them to appease a demon or other entity, but not to manifest something on my own. I distinctly feel that I AM enough. It’s a deep belief and what made me reject Christianity so strongly in the past. So many times it feels like I’m not reading or learning things for the first time, but just remembering or accessing them from else where.

I’m going to keep reading threads and looking through resources on the website. I paid a lot travel and go to the Template in a different country. I’m hungry and seeking and I will offer what I can to get the knowledge that I seek. I don’t have any specific material desires besides general comfort and bliss… I want knowledge. I want to KNOW deep within me that I can have whatever I want. I don’t need things themselves. I just want that knowing.

Looking forward to learning and sharing with you all,
Ren

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Welcome to the forum @runningstream

Do you actually practice anything? You haven’t stated if you have any magical experience or not.

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I’ve been actively practicing only general energy work and psychic-related things, like basic astral projection, reiki, and yoga. And lots of meditation and EFT. Also done basic moon rituals. I’ve gone deeper into yoga philosophy and have dabbled in sigil magick as well. I think the problem is that I’m still figuring out myself and what I want and I feel like I should sort that out before working with other entities. What do you think? Do you think that maybe they’d help with accelerating that process?

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When you say sigl magick, do you mean the Spare method, where you turn a statement of intent into a glyph, or do you mean using spirit seals?

My personal opinion is you should know what you are seeking before beginning spirit work.

This one! That’s the only one I’ve heard of so far from trying to read other books and articles.

Do you have any suggestions for articles, methods, or resources on how I can figure out what it is that I want? The answer I have right now is quite basic: truth. I feel like I can’t figure out what I want because I don’t know the truth. It feels like I keep missing something… and I am because there’s so much I don’t know.

The word “truth” is so abstract that it is meaningless. The truth of what? Whose truth?

You will find that in the occult there is no such thing as capital-T Truth. Of course, you will find people who like to proclaim that they hold “the Truth,” and that what they say is The Way Things Are, but any real experience shows that to be utter bullshit.

The only truth you will find in maigck will be in your own experience. That is about the only thing you can count on. However, what may be true for you, may NOT be true for anyone else. A big mistake a lot of people make is believing that if something is true for them, then it must be true for everyone else, and that is very rarely the case.

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Thank you so much for saying this. When I participated in the Template, they mentioned that “objective reality” is a form of oppression/bondage and that we must embrace our own subjective realities. I think I need to sort through my deeper fears of completely “losing touch” and hurting myself and others in the process. I think that’s the deeper tension underneath all this searching.

Whoever “The Template” is, they are talking out of their ass. Objective reality is not oppression of any sort. It is actually a necessity, because without it, magick becomes mysticism and remains all in your head.

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I don’t get it.

In any event, welcome to the forum.

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I’ll do more exploration, reading, and thinking. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank you :brown_heart: