Tonight’s entry started off with me making some observations related to the past few days. I didn’t plan on speaking with Legion, but was taking the time to reflect on some of the things I’ve noticed and try to make some sort of sense of them - or at least more sense than I had when they happened.
What ended up happening was that I was pondering these things and Legion came in and wanted me to copy down what he was saying. It’s mainly for me, but also gives clues to things that I’ve written about in this journal. After this paragraph, the rest is coming from my grimoire.
One thing I haven’t written yet is that I’ve been exchanging small amounts of energy with Shadow Woman, at the encouragement of Abaddon and Legion. It’s a small swap, though. Not a straight feeding. The darkness (energy) disperses into me and doesn’t settle in any particular area. I don’t know why I briefly thought it would. The point isn’t to become a shadow, but to become more like one. This has something to do with the Destruction path I’m on (not self-destructive) in the long run. I don’t really know why.
Another thing was that as Shadow Woman was getting her target this morning, both of them were there - the 2d and the 3d version. I haven’t had any alcohol in weeks and nothing else harder. I was fully awake. The 2d version looked like the picture in the book, the 3d like the shadow I interact with lately. Outside of the 2d - 3d difference, they had the same signature. This makes me more convinced that the Shadow Woman (or Colossal or Tall Man) is more of a mask or persona that members put on to perform that “duty”.
My confusion with this is partially because I can tell they aren’t simple parasite-like creatures, so how do they adopt the same signature (so uniformly)?
Legion just came in and said I can write as he speaks. (Side note - I got a slight dressing-down when I changed his words and the paragraph breaks are his/theirs). Parens notes are mine.
“They put on a Deific mask (equivalent of). As we all do when becoming Legion. It is part of the agreement for becoming one of us. All agree or they are cast out.”
“You will not take this mask (with intent of - provided it is offered), because of your prior agreements and by the decree of Abaddon. You would fail that test (to lost enough of the self to become one with Legion). You are partially doing this with your energy transfer. You are obtaining a more similar signature to us, to your family (?). For we are becoming Family as you move further along the current.”
“You are being coached in the healing from us (& in the causing of disease). This is no coincidence. As you move along with your commitments with Zagan, you will find this useful. Primary, even (?). We give you this.”
"You will not fall prey to Tall Man’s games, but others may at your behest. Use this wisely, as you may stir the pot, but not know where or how it will bubble over. Since you like cooking (He jests. This is a reference towards home issues this evening). "
“You deserve better. It will come. But not for a while (I know he was talking about when it would resolve, rather than when something would get messy or fall apart). Set us loose. Let us feed. You know what to do (this is a task of some sort, but what task?)”
“Make the call. Become the God in that moment (ritual work, really becoming it, not pretending in any way) and set yourself free - from us (Legion), from them (others, but who?), from your own pathetic fear. You are brave, very brave, have done brave things. But you fear too much. Not others, (as much as) yourself. Kick off your shackles and breathe. Your freedom awaits.”
He left immediately after that.
When Legion said I wouldn’t take the mask (if offered), he did so with some distaste in the words, some disgust that it wouldn’t be accepted regardless. I’m not entirely sure, but the Family remark came with a sort of hint that if I gave up my commitments, I could still join them. Like he was dangling a carrot or something.
The stuff is Zagan is a series of agreements (not pacts) I made with him to better myself. Maybe I’ll need some healing in support of that.
Since reading about him and knowing I was going down this path, part of me has been concerned about working with the Tall Man. Mainly about the depravity-heavy description and my own analytical mind that tried to think of all the possibilities at once. I’d come to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to fall down some abhorrent abyss with the Tall Man, but it was nice to get confirmation of sorts. It’s also a reference to my wondering and thinking about the type of instructions one would give one of the shadow aspects to better control the outcomes (to reduce inflicting things on others in the environment as the target falls apart).
The deserve better part came with flashes from different aspects of my current life - home and work, mainly. I got no indications of when any of this will happen (and what those changes will really be). I already know that my job will change in less than a year. Covid stuff should be somewhat calmed down in that time span. I really just saw indicators that it involved that categories of home and work, but nothing about the context.
The last paragraph was warranted. It’s also a sort of response to my calling him out the other day. He returned the favor and it’s accurate. I’ve been drawn to the things I fear, but as I go down this path, he knows I’m a little fearful of how I’ll turn out in the end. Yet, he also knows that this fear will prod me to keep going.
It’s late and I’m sure there are more layers of meaning in this that will take time to understand. He chose his words carefully. More carefully than I’ve known him to thus far.
