I will always understand the other side of myself; that which entails the darkest parts of my being. They hold me inside, my chest hurting like a gaping wound pouring out crimson sadness. I’ve felt this way my whole life. I held on though being strong, going through so many vivid experiences of death and abuses.
My postpartum depression was the peak of it all and when it became too much, I decided that my final decision was to die. I was so close to it too, but at the same time I panicked about the things of death and the other side, about how much regret I would have leaving my son behind in the world without his mother. I would organized the prescription bottles in order of how I would overdose myself with aspirin, cephalexin, amoxicillin, other various medications that were stored in our bathroom cabinet.
I wanted antidepressants badly. I thought I needed them badly, but I was breastfeeding mother so it wasn’t a good idea. So I left with that solution behind.
I told my partner about this, he never seeing this part of me grew a little more shrewd around me. I was weepy and depressed since the beginning and bound to fall from exhaustion.
I was alone. Always. My partner was the only one who worked for our living. My family hardly ever visited me living only 18 minutes away.
I was the only one who practiced white magick and during intervals of sleep, I would research on YouTube channels about satanism and luciferian paths. It felt like something was calling me to it.
One odd morning, I woke in my astral form for just a few seconds to see the blank figure of a man pull on my toe so hard, it woke me out of my astral. My baby was crying and the mysterious spirit had woken me to take care of the baby.
Many months passed. My depression was already at it’s worst. I thought I wanted to meditate and channel into a dark mother Goddess. Hecate had given me the start pf a new beginning.
Her words were so powerful as she said to me to release my fear and know that I am within you and you are me. The goddess is in you and you are her.
Those words struck me. I researching on Lucifer this great being that would turn the whole wheel of my life upside down. I was on to him the whole time, researching, but never contacting him. I spoke to Yeshua before this and he told me.
“Just be a mother, shani.” He smiled as he left with those words. Yeshua has been one of my guides in the past as well as Horus.
The night I met Lucifer (whom I now call Heylel out of respect) was the silliest most joyful day ever. I couldn’t stop smiling or laughing like someone told a good ass joke. I held no judgments and was open minded about him.
I called out on a meditation on who was my dominant guide as of now, the name came up as lucifer and I went to meet him and saw two aspects of him. He wore blue and had grey angel wings. The other aspect looked like Michael but i could not see his face.
The next morning before waking up was oddly strange but funny and so gosh darn cute. I woke up in my astral vision (mind you I was half naked breastfeeding and sleeping at the same time)with a bright sunlight all around this person who was smiling down laughing like he was so happy to see me.
From then on, i chased him, wanting know more about him. And so to this day, i still work with him. Happily so, my postpartum depression healed somewhat through forgiveness.
I guess I wanted to share my testimonial about Him so much because everbody experiences were different from what i have read.
The end 
