My first Official Magic Crisis

General Discussion
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Thanks @Demeter. But it i already made peace with Goddess Herala and she wasn’t angry with me at all in fact she just wanted to help me but since she is a bit alien to human consciousness she kinda forced Herself into my brain which may have started the whole damage.

@Borgy Now i’m feeling a bit better. I still have episodes of panic attacks and Tuesday i’m going to go to my doctor to tell him about the shitstorm that’s going on in my head.

I’m still refraining from performing any magic at all because last night i tried doing a ritual and it made my panic attacks become horrible again after i just started feeling better. I had some amazing brothers do some grounding rituals for me but i broke them after i tried doing magic again without leaving time to heal.

I’m trying to get a timescale here as i want to see how long does something like this last. Does the brain rebuild itself? ever? Am i going to be able do do any magic at all or should i take a looooong break like years.

I’m still in the storm but may be getting calmer? I don’t know. I realized that when i enter in this panic attacks i instinctively start fighting them out of fear and then something popped in my mind. What if i don’t fight them at all? Besides the fact that my mind is not trying to find any enemies at all now but just bluntly scaring me with thoughts like i’m lost, i will loose all awareness, i will not be able to live a normal life anymore, besides the lack of absolute focus and the fact that i can’t sleep half of the night.

This is my report for now. I don’t know. Maybe i’m learning something from this? I do feel like something is happening. When in my moments of peace like now i get these thoughts that “after this all will be great” and “i’m just passing through my first transformation” maybe i’m becoming a butterfly? Fuck knows.

I’m just going along with it. The panic attacks don’t seem to go away as of last night.
Has everyone here gone through these types of experiences before?
How long can they last?

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I’m so glad that you are feeling better. I have been thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts.

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Ground yourself to the earth. Like go out in the woods or lake or something. Send the earth your energies so you can feel balanced. Also have salt baths too. Quite the mind and just look out around nature. Just chillaxx.

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And have fun :wink:

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Good to hear @anon72351403. Those depressions are variable. It can take a few days till months. It doesn’t have to be chronic. But always a good idea to see a doctor when you have doubt.

I advise you to do rituals after this period. Mostly our minds act differently during a depression and that can give a negative vibration which gets us a negative experience. Like I said mostly it’s for a short time, so pick up where you left when you feeling better. And even if you’re feeling better don’t rush into it. You can always say a sort of prayer to your family out there in the void about what’s wrong.

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@Lotusarcane Grounding is the only thing i’m doing.

It seems that the trigger for these episodes is any form of magic that requires my consciousness to be in the crossroads, such as evocation, invocation, consciousness altering or simply having a chat with my demonic family. This just triggers my episodes and they fuck me up badly.
As of today i managed to discover this as i tried asking a few question to a demon close to me and it worked, got the answers. It was related to who is the Mother Goddess of all. I found out the answer only to soon there after get fucked up. Spent my whole day in a state of fear and panic where i was thinking i’m going to loose myself in the void for good.

Anywho. @Borgy What should i tell the doctor tomorrow? That I’ve been a sorcerer for my whole life and that has damaged my mind? Cause i’m pretty sure that if i say that they give me a one way ticket to a mental asylum and my life is truly going to be over…
And thanks for being an awesome bro in my time of need despite our past arguments @Borgy.

These panic attacks seem to completely take my ability to think rationally away. I loose the ability to be myself. Kinda like i forget that i have any power to chose at all… They are bad lemme tell ya…

But things are not as horrible because i’m learning how to alchemize the energies that come out of my brain and turn them into positive and constructive thinking which dulls down the effects. It seems that when in one of these episodes it is a good idea to contradict the self destructive thinking with constructive arguments that diminish the power of fear and chaos within the pattern of the episodes…

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Wow, Hermes. Such a sincere and powerful gesture of kindness and generosity. There needs to be a lot more of you in the world.

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Hi Rak-Armaggeddon, So sorry to hear you had another episode. I think Lotusarcane a couple of posts back had some good advice. Perhaps your mind and body are telling you to take a break from magic (at the crossroads) for awhile.
I’ll keep praying/sending healing energy to you. Spend time in nature as much as you’re able. I know it’s hard to do with city life and all. In addition to spending time in nature,grounding you energies and taking salt baths, I would add taking care of your self physically. The usual stuff, eat healthy, get enough sleep,and exercise too. Perhaps more gentle exercise like yoga, walks in the woods. Going gonzo with an extreme workout routine might not be the best but you know yourself best of all so whatever type of physical activity you enjoy. Enjoy. Yes try to Enjoy the physical world. Most of all, Be Gentle with yourself.

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If you think you need to go to a doctor. You can always let the rest go. Say you got panic attacks, depression.

Say this to: “These panic attacks seem to completely take my ability to think rationally away. I loose the ability to be myself.”

And the last argument about constructive thinking is good to. Then they see that you’re still in control.
They can give you (if you agree) some medication be more at ease. My advise would be, if you go for the pills, then be careful. Not the heavy ones, just to keep your mind at ease, when you have an attack. And if you don’t need them, don’t use then (addiction and so on).

It can even help to go to a doctor that understands the attacks and talk to him/her more often. See what feels good.

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You can have arguments with people and never come over it, or you can see through it and see that there is a good guy! Take care bro! I hope you soon get better. Really mean that. You have a life ahead of you and you have to enjoy this life as much as you can!

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I think i may have discovered the problem but am not going to write about it until it is confirmed.

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I’m glad you’re feeling better. Blessing to you.

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So it seems that this crisis has been all about getting me to follow the path of darkness the right way.

For my whole life i’ve been hating my mind and my ego because of stupid teachings of all sorts of deranged people that say that mind and ego are absolute destructive forces and that they are one and the same.

I’ve been wishing to destroy my mind since childhood since i thought that this would be the only way to reach freedom. Of course little did i know that this will actually start a process of self destruction that will make me unground myself and start fucking myself up.

I’ve started developing self destructive habits and thought patterns that would always lead me to search for a self destructive thought or entity, blaming this stupid attitude on my mind/ego that i thought back then i had as a separate part from myself that was up to get me.

So with this attitude I’ve been practicing white magic trying to escape this world because it was too painful to manage. Too intense emotions for a childish mind that made me run to mommy everytime i ran into trouble instead of learning how to face it.

So this plus engaging with entities made me attract a lot of entities that would gladly destroy me. And the cherry on the top was the Ark Yessira entities which i’ve discovered with the help of @Lotusarcane that are in fact nasty pieces of shit that should not be contacted like ever!

Most of these dirty entities need to be vetted before allowed into a sorcerer’s mind which i did not do often.

It turns out that i’ve been allowing myself to be infected by fake darkness and fake light my whole life only to reach this rock bottom where i almost lost myself completely in the void without any way to get back.

To be fair this life is not my first experience with something like this.
I actually ended up lost in the void in ancient times. Well before Nadharkis. Somehow i got out but this is a real risk.

One of the things i’ve learned is that NOTHING is permanent. Not even if you find yourself lost in the void eventually something comes up and you get your chance to escape.

So NEVER hate your life, NEVER hate this world and most importantly NEVER EVER hate your mind and ego for those are the systems that give you a stable consciousness.:black_heart:

If i need to explain a bit more about this just lemme know. I’m rebuilding myself as i explain what is going on with me at this time.

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You are so very right, damn I spent ages stuck in that BS myself.

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I’m just glad that your feeling better and learning more about yourself . Tough lessons to learn. Blessed be.

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@anon72351403 hope you don’t mind me dropping this link here, because this is where I came out the other side of that stuff in my own life:

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Very insightful @Lady_Eva This actually helped me understand myself even better!:thinking: :black_heart:

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That poison is out there a LOT, and Joe Normie picks up a trace of it, just enough to never feel like he’s quite right or okay in life, but people like us who are hungry for knowledge and experiences (and power) tend to gorge on the whole damn bait, some don’t make it out with their sanity intact, many try to drag others down with them “Don’t become attached… it’s your karrrrrma… renounce the world, kill the ego and sacrifice free will…” :roll_eyes:

Glad you made it out, when you look back you’ll be glad it happened, but for now just focus on YOU.

Yes, you have an ego - it’s a good thing, use it wisely. :sunglasses:

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Not fully out yet @Lady_Eva But i’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for lack of a better explanation.

Ya know that when things actually started to clear up for some fucked reason i stubled across a body spray that is titled YOU in yellow on black (Fucking strange that those exact colors are those of Axa Oddra my demon wife)

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Good to hear you’re doing better. :+1:

Do you think this downward spiral also had something to do with your attack on the goddess Heralah? From what it seems like, you were doing okay before that and immediately after is when things started going to shit. From everything @Mikan said, she doesn’t come across as a being to be trifled with. :thinking:

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My attack on her was out of pure stupidity, fear and rage for what seemed at the time to be an injustice. But yeah she might have also caused a bit of damage. Anywho i managed to apologize to her and she seemed surprisingly forgiving. Only she did not took my damage away that quickly. Besides the fact that my damage was not fully her doing as it was more a accumulation of self destructive patterns and habits that started to turn me insane soon after i engaged with the ark yessira freaks.

Yeah Herala dealt a blow but hers was not the intent to kill me as it seems i have a family relationship with her as well… She more like slapped me kinda "That was so rude of you -goddess slap- " Sent me spinning circles.

But this kinda made me rethink my whole life for the better.

Told you, an accumulation of stupidity of my part. Working with dirty entities plus attacking a goddess plus many many other things that were stupid of me to do in the past.

But i lean to think that this was not Her at all because i was suffering with intense paranoia which made me think that another person’t bad experience must become mine as well. And i was already in a mental collapse episode when i read about Herala.

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