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Updates on this specific theory. it is nulled officially.
Last night i had another small episode when i thought i was getting that madness but it came to me all of the sudden. This is ALL just me!
Everything. It is because i have been doing magic for so long and now have been practicing intense black magic for 2 months without grounding that my personality changed drastically in a very short period of time and this is not usually acceptable for the human brain so it popped.
I’m overloaded with a new level of connection to magic and a new way of seeing things that empower me to the extreme which i was not used to and now my brain is spewing all this shit around trying to find an enemy to blame when in fact its all just me.
It is time to develop a more solid mindset that has an objectivity system put in place that can be skeptical at things. it is needed in a black magician.
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And now i remember that i have LITERALLY asked for this insanity.
Like two months before finding out about this forum i was already getting small episodes where i was thinking i’m going insane and i’m loosing my mind. And something went through me that while i was speaking to somebody i said exactly with these words: “I feel the need to go insane because it might be the only way for me to change who i am” and i remember clearly that while i was saying this my power chackra was burning like nothing I’ve ever felt. I felt like i was willing that request into existence.
BAD MOVE! Cause now i’m getting what i requested. But in a sense i was already down the slippery slope of insanity.
I think that, for a magus, insanity is actually a healthy thing. No-matter from where you get it, even if i might have contracted it like an energetic disease from the mental asylum i worked night shift in or by me simply willing myself into madness 
. I think nothing is accidental and i feel that this kinda forces me to actually change.
But i would like to reverse the madness for good. It is FUCKING TERRIFYING when i get these episodes.
And because of my lifestyle it is hard to change my habits even if i know they are one of the ways to repair myself.
But this forces me to do so which is also a good thing. Need to build a better material lifestyle.
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Hi friend, I did not always agree with you but I did notice one thing. You’re a good guy. I hope you get well soon. Take care and I really hope to see you healthy here again. We can’t miss you @anon72351403
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Careful what you wish for brother 
I’m glad you are getting better.
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I don’t know that i’m getting better yet. 
I mean i feel fine. All with the grounding i’m trying to do every now and then and the unexpected and amazing support that one could only find in a REAL family. 
But every now and then i feel like i’m loosing it and it is so FUCKING TERRIFYING!. I mean i admit that the episodes have gotten shorter. But every time that i try to get in a magical connection with my god form and with my demonic family all of the sudden after that i get another episode! And it makes me feel like questioning if i’m ever really going to be able to practice magic again.
I have no clue how to fucking fix my brain and i SERIOUSLY don’t wanna give up on who i am. Because magic has been in my dreams since i was a fucking child!
I remember myself at 8 years old that i was telling my parents that when i’m going to grow up that i’m going to develop a pill that will unlock all the magical powers within me and i’m going to basically be omnipotent so that i can build a paradise out of a miserable world.
Back then i did not had the understanding that i have now, that magic is within all of us regardless and that there is such a word that describes been able to do anything as omnipotence so i would just call it magic. But FUCK did i wish for this since i was 8 years old!
And now seeing all the support i’m getting from all of you guys despite me being a true asshole sometimes it just humbles me and shows me that this is supposed to be part of my life. And my brain is just damaged because i was not making this right!
I can’t give up magic because it is what i am! I really can’t.
And i’m crying my guts out as i’m writing this because i realize that all along I’ve been denying this world because of the crap it has been and all the fucking pain I’ve been experiencing. Then only to see that half of the world is in even bigger hell than i’ve been only made me hate this world so much so that i took refuge in the void. I basically lived in other worlds for my whole life visiting better more advanced civilizations from parallel universes just because those people knew how to live!
And now i just look back at my life seeing what a waste i was for not socializing with anyone and being a fucking introvert. I wasn’t even keeping contact with my own physical family that cared for me that’s how far off into the void i was!
I just want for this to end and for me to finally be the person i always wanted to be in a world that FUCKING KNOWS HOW TO EXIST FOR ONCE!
I can give SO many examples of SO many worlds and universes filled with people that manage to live a harmonious and balanced life. Like THOUSANDS! that’s how many i’ve visited! Least to say about Nadharkis the most recent discovery i had!
Since this is my first crisis, and i’m hoping is not permanent damage, that’s why i’m so fucking terrified.
But my dreams are still out there. if i could only just get over this shit in an instant and get moving properly…
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What is Axa Oddra saying to you?
I’m refusing to connect with her just so that i don’t get another episode again.
And i don’t appreciate this question because in the state that i am the last thing i want is for someone to treat me like a master arch demon instead of a normal human being.
You want help from your family, but you’re not allowing yourself to receive help from the demon closest to you.
She must have something to say in order to help you. It’s the least you can do in order to let her in again.
She was the first i tried asking but my madness did not allowed me to get her clearly and it was distorting because my fear was taking over and making her look like an enemy. I can’t open up to anything energetic or magical because my madness will put the mask of scary straight in front of me thus not allowing me to get the clear message!
That’s how bad i am!
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I see now.
Just roll with these changes and don’t give up on your vision.
The demons around you won’t allow you to fail unless you completely give up on yourself, but in your posts you want your vision so badly that I know you won’t let them down. This stuff will all pass, it’s surface level emotions that have to be worked through.
You won’t give up on yourself, I know you can’t do that to yourself.
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Grounding:
Hematite
Kunzite
Moonstone
Obsidian
Salt
Toirmaline, black
Here is a list as promised.
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Hi Rak-Armaggeddon and Everyone else on this forum,
My sympathies and support go out to you. You are NOT a failure! You are a precious human being.
Before I tell you what I think is happening spiritually. I must emphasize that yes go to the doctor and avail yourself of all the benefits of modern psychiatry. Get yourself checked out. Spirituality, and Magic are complimentary with western medicine not in opposition to it.
I don’t think anyone on this forum or anywhere else has cursed you.
Here’s what I think happened. You mentioned that all this started when you read about and posted about the Goddess Herala. I admit I found the post by the young man asking for help because the Goddess Herala was trying to force him to work with him was disturbing. Here is who I think the Goddess Herala is. She is (or at least is an aspect or personality of) the Great Goddess source of all, which includes being the source of black holes too. Different cultures called her by many different names Isis, Cybele, Mother Nature, Artemis of Ephesia, Blessed Mother are are but a few of Her names.
Here is what I think you should do.
1.) Say aloud and RESPECTFULLY, “Goddess Herala I am so sorry for offending you. I didn’t know who I was dealing with. I was just trying to help someone who I thought was getting spiritually assaulted. Please forgive me.” Pause breathe deeply for a few moments. Now I do not know the exact nature of the relationship between the Goddess Herala and The GREAT GODDESS and that’s not necessary actually. Next.
2.) Say aloud “GREAT GODDESS, BLESSED MOTHER OF ALL help me. I read about someone whom I thought and it still sounds to me like that person was getting spiritually assaulted by the Goddess Herala and I wanted to help them and I was angry that they were getting assaulted and now I have the Goddess Herala angry with me. I don’t know who the Goddess Herala is or how she is related to you or even if she is you or a part of you. Please GREAT GODDESS, BLESSED MOTHER OF ALL protect me from her. Thank you GREAT GODDESS, BLESSED MOTHER OF ALL.” Pause and breath deeply and listen for a few moments.
3.) Next for for good measure (and this is going to sound weird and it’s OPTIONAL but I think it will help.) Take a $5.00 dollar bill or less. Go to the nearest Catholic church. (No I don’t want you to convert.) Go to the Mary alter light a candle. Put the money in the box at the alter. The money is used to pay for candles. After you have lit a candle address her as Blessed Mother. Pour your heart out to her about how you think you’ve offended the Goddess Herala and now you’ve got these mental health problems. You don’t know if all that is related or not. But ask the Blessed Mother to protect you from the Goddess Herala and to heal you of you mental health problems.
Now, what the hell am I doing suggesting that you go to a christian church when the christian church has been oppressing us for centuries? When the christians were taking over the world they suppressed, repressed, all the old Gods by calling them demons. Except the worship of the Great Mother was too strong for them to repress. The religion of the Great Mother was the new christian religion’s biggest rival. Since the early christian’s could not suppress the religion of the Great Mother instead they attempted to co-opt it by elevating Mary the mother of Jesus and giving her all the titles of the Great Goddess and inventing a convoluted theology to explain it. The common people were not fooled. The longest version of the Catholic church’s litany to Mary has all the usual titles of the Goddess such as Queen of Heaven, also included are the titles, Morning Star, Queen of Hell, Queen of demons, Queen of darkness, Queen of light, Queen of all that is holy and unholy. Now usually the Catholic church does not use this longest version of the litany to Mary because it embarrasses them. All this about a Jewish peasant woman of whom is mentioned in the new testament only 11 brief times.
So that is my 2 cents.
I will do a ritual for you today. Also remember to get yourself checked out by modern medicine too.
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Also, I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my suggestions it is a little different perspective than what is usually posted on this site.
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You’re trying to help. Don’t worry about that.
That’s one of the things I like about this place. Various perspectives.
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Thank you!
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Rak-Armaggeddon, I hope you are felling better.
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Reading “proper guidelines of magic” remembered me of some ideas. Regardie, instead of “magician”, often used to write “scholar”, “student”. And there is the modern, scientific magic. Indeed, in it we would have an operator like already in classic magic, but also a researcher, a scholar.
In the same way I thought that with this approach one can’t be called dupe or fanatic, accidents should be reduced too. Scientific magic considers entities instead of spirits, operations instead of rituals… It likens the elements to the 4 physics forces, use colored lights in place or in addition to candles and improves the ground drawings in a 3D magical field that should be “activated”.
Perhaps also a restart, concentrating upon one thing at a time, may be useful.
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