I think i may have discovered the problem but am not going to write about it until it is confirmed.
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I’m glad you’re feeling better. Blessing to you.
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So it seems that this crisis has been all about getting me to follow the path of darkness the right way.
For my whole life i’ve been hating my mind and my ego because of stupid teachings of all sorts of deranged people that say that mind and ego are absolute destructive forces and that they are one and the same.
I’ve been wishing to destroy my mind since childhood since i thought that this would be the only way to reach freedom. Of course little did i know that this will actually start a process of self destruction that will make me unground myself and start fucking myself up.
I’ve started developing self destructive habits and thought patterns that would always lead me to search for a self destructive thought or entity, blaming this stupid attitude on my mind/ego that i thought back then i had as a separate part from myself that was up to get me.
So with this attitude I’ve been practicing white magic trying to escape this world because it was too painful to manage. Too intense emotions for a childish mind that made me run to mommy everytime i ran into trouble instead of learning how to face it.
So this plus engaging with entities made me attract a lot of entities that would gladly destroy me. And the cherry on the top was the Ark Yessira entities which i’ve discovered with the help of @Lotusarcane that are in fact nasty pieces of shit that should not be contacted like ever!
Most of these dirty entities need to be vetted before allowed into a sorcerer’s mind which i did not do often.
It turns out that i’ve been allowing myself to be infected by fake darkness and fake light my whole life only to reach this rock bottom where i almost lost myself completely in the void without any way to get back.
To be fair this life is not my first experience with something like this.
I actually ended up lost in the void in ancient times. Well before Nadharkis. Somehow i got out but this is a real risk.
One of the things i’ve learned is that NOTHING is permanent. Not even if you find yourself lost in the void eventually something comes up and you get your chance to escape.
So NEVER hate your life, NEVER hate this world and most importantly NEVER EVER hate your mind and ego for those are the systems that give you a stable consciousness.
If i need to explain a bit more about this just lemme know. I’m rebuilding myself as i explain what is going on with me at this time.
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You are so very right, damn I spent ages stuck in that BS myself.
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I’m just glad that your feeling better and learning more about yourself . Tough lessons to learn. Blessed be.
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@anon72351403 hope you don’t mind me dropping this link here, because this is where I came out the other side of that stuff in my own life:
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That poison is out there a LOT, and Joe Normie picks up a trace of it, just enough to never feel like he’s quite right or okay in life, but people like us who are hungry for knowledge and experiences (and power) tend to gorge on the whole damn bait, some don’t make it out with their sanity intact, many try to drag others down with them “Don’t become attached… it’s your karrrrrma… renounce the world, kill the ego and sacrifice free will…” 
Glad you made it out, when you look back you’ll be glad it happened, but for now just focus on YOU.
Yes, you have an ego - it’s a good thing, use it wisely. 
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Not fully out yet @Lady_Eva But i’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for lack of a better explanation.
Ya know that when things actually started to clear up for some fucked reason i stubled across a body spray that is titled YOU in yellow on black (Fucking strange that those exact colors are those of Axa Oddra my demon wife)
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Good to hear you’re doing better. 
Do you think this downward spiral also had something to do with your attack on the goddess Heralah? From what it seems like, you were doing okay before that and immediately after is when things started going to shit. From everything @Mikan said, she doesn’t come across as a being to be trifled with. 
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My attack on her was out of pure stupidity, fear and rage for what seemed at the time to be an injustice. But yeah she might have also caused a bit of damage. Anywho i managed to apologize to her and she seemed surprisingly forgiving. Only she did not took my damage away that quickly. Besides the fact that my damage was not fully her doing as it was more a accumulation of self destructive patterns and habits that started to turn me insane soon after i engaged with the ark yessira freaks.
Yeah Herala dealt a blow but hers was not the intent to kill me as it seems i have a family relationship with her as well… She more like slapped me kinda "That was so rude of you -goddess slap- " Sent me spinning circles.
But this kinda made me rethink my whole life for the better.
Told you, an accumulation of stupidity of my part. Working with dirty entities plus attacking a goddess plus many many other things that were stupid of me to do in the past.
But i lean to think that this was not Her at all because i was suffering with intense paranoia which made me think that another person’t bad experience must become mine as well. And i was already in a mental collapse episode when i read about Herala.
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If you look back on past-you and condemn him as “stupid” then you set up subtle pathways to BLOCK knowledge, learning, growth, and evolution, because you’re saying future-you can never afford to know more, to change and grow, you’re also going to try and defend all current knowledge rather than realise it was wrong.
Careful there, there are many traps along this path, the process of learning is a process of embracing relative-stupidity in the present moment, compared to future knowledge.
Many will never embark because they know that where they are now will make them cringe years, even months down the line, and so they stay stuck, double-defeated by the knowledge they could have done better, and the fear of doing so.
Do your best in each moment and embrace the fact that in furute you will see its flaws - they exist because you Did Something, and people who Do Things are people who care more about learning than defending ignorance.
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maybe this approach of action might help you.
When you have a bad panick attack starting, push all your negative thought’s and Images into a white sheet of paper.
Increase the Madness, as much as you can exhaust it.
I’m not talking of writing it down and making pictures.
I mean actually pushing these out of you,
into the white paper.
Through your eyes.
Through your mouth.
Through your nose.
Through your Chakras.
When the Energy is exhausted, go outside, a little bit away from your home (a black magick circle if you allready have one out-doors would be awesome as it may take the Energetic Charge in)
-
And Burn the White Sheet of paper -
Actively chanting to yourself
It’s done.
I overcame that.
From now on,
it doesn’t have to bother me anymore.
Nor take my Energy away from me.
No, I, the Sorcerer Rak-Amarggeddon, declare this to be done right now.
So mote it be. -
This way you may have both the exaltion of the Emotions, actually working them through,
and you gain the first hand expierience of being stronger than it.
Capable of overcoming it by your own effort.
In regards of your sleep issues:
Nyx Dormero Nox.
… refined version:
Ego nox Dormero Nyx.
Try this chant for getting to sleep.
It should work extremly well and fast.
Just see which one works better for you.
Blessed be.
Sincerely
¥’Berion
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Guys i’m getting another episode. I feel as if i’m slowly being isolated from the rest of the world in my own mind… This is pretty bad.
As soon as i posted on the forum about this other world The episode started :
To be fair this is not just out of my old research as i did a bit of a ritual to get some extra information about this world.
Can anyone see if there is an active sorcerer that is trying to curse me with insanity? I only say this because of my situation with Astaj. The guy who was banned because he was constantly intervening in my research and pm-ing me with seriously creepy messages.
In which case i need to apologize to him cause he might still be able to follow my activity.
But in order not to bias anyone about this it might also be all just me because i do tend to scare myself to shit for no reason at all just because that’s what i used to do for my whole life.
Anyway this goes i do feel like it is not an active curse and that it is only my mind so i don’t know. But i can’t do any more rituals for myself for a while and i need intense help from whomever is out there to help me because i’m fucking terrified.
Also extra detail i can’t control my mind to only do regulated rituals. I’m the whole day with my mind in the void once i go in there. That’s how i’ve been my whole life because i wasn’t finding this life fun at all and that might have also damaged my brain too much.
And i really can’t do any ritual now as i’m shitting in my pants…
I really need help from anyone that can and is willing to help me fix my brain and close my connections to the void for a while because i quite frankly don’t know how to do that myself.
I’ve been fucking with nonstop flying through other worlds my whole life and i never bothered to build a mind up in the first place so i think this has made a very big weakness for me when i started the path of darkness.
I’m just not sure and i need serious help.
Edit: i’m just putting it all on the table. So that anyone who wants to help me knows everything about me.
My whole life i’ve been hating myself and my ego and my mind. For the most cases even acting as if my mind is a separate thing from me because i could not control it and was constantly drifting to self destructive and hindering thoughts.
Also because of my depression and the pain I’ve been experiencing in my family i was constantly flying through the void searching for other worlds where i would want to reincarnate in beacuse i was suicidal a bit and thinking that if i’m to die then i will go to this world or to that world where i would have a better life in denying of this one.
Which might have caused an immense mountain of self destructive egregores and entities that are now just bursting through.
So PLEASE HELP!
Final Edit: I’ve been basically isolating my mind from the rest of the world for my whole life so could this be a culmination of my self destructive behavior?
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I would suggest that you start taking gotu kola and St. John’s wort for a while. Those two can be very grounding and stabilizing. I would also suggest that you go somewhere and make a fire and just sit by the fire for a long time. Look at the flames. Find more wood. Look at the flames. Find more wood. Spend the night sleeping next to the fire if possible. A fire feels like a primal home when everything else fails in the world. That is knowledge. Try not to panic, try not to become anything for a while, drift, let go, eat good, spicy food, take warm long showers and do the five Tibetans every day. I wish you all the best with your healing.
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You have your answer… 
Is there a meetup.com thing in your area you could handle dropping into over the weekend, it doesn’t need to be a big commitment to join and be part of it forever, just a way to talk to normal people regularly?
Make the effort to BE normal with them, talk about whatever stuff you’re into that isn’t magick.
Also did you get your armoury of books you’ve read before and can read when this de-realisation shit starts up?
Creating a world-within-the-world, the fictional reality you already know, by reading a book helps draw your mind back in and down instead of out and beyond.
They help me, theyve helped a lot of people I recommended this method to, you want old fiction books you’ve read before and nothing with fantasy or even sci-fi themes, ideally written and set in the past.
Understandable, I don’t think normal people necessaily get drawn to magick, or if they do they run a mile when it starts getting a bit too real.
You can use all this later but you need to get stable first, they say a true shaman walks between worlds, doesn’t get pulled totally into one or the other… if you look at The Magician card in the Rider-Waite deck, he’s reaching up to command “That which is Above” but he’s also got both feet firmly planted on the ground.
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Ahem… So little of that in my life…
I mean i used to like astronomy and gardening but that was like 5% of my usual 95% magic!..
To my shame i’ve only read like one fantasy book in my whole life… Besides the school and research materials and other high-school stuff and then work stuff i’ve only ever touched one single physical book my whole life.
I just got myself a book about business to read in a park nearby which helps but yeah… This is my second actual book that isn’t school or work material to read…
I’m going to have to develop “normal” habits… I’m ALWAYS thinking about magic, other worlds, other entities and when i get the chance i actually project myself on that particular world or that particular dimension…
It kinda became a DEEPLY rooted habit in my psyche from little. And have absolutely NO CLUE how to stop this shitstorm.
I’m going to start taking the plants i’ve been recommended thanks @Mouchany
As for the fire part i can’t get anywhere nearby where i could do that. I mean there’s a forest like 5 miles away from my home but i recon it is public property and i really don’t know how to get there. Plus i don’t have any camping equipment at this time as i kinda lost it and another one got used and was broken so i can’t get in a camping trip or anywhere near a forest to light a campfire and sleep near it.
And it really helps for me just to be here and write everything down…
As for the help i can’t get it immediately as i have to search for the group to talk to and since i don’t really have any reliable friends that i can talk to at this time i’m kinda isolated for real.
The nearest group i could join would be in another town. Nearby but i wouldn’t necessarily be able to get there easily. I’mma give it a try.
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Hey @anon72351403, I just noticed something. 5% other stuff, 95 % magic.
It’s sounds like your afraid of regular life. It’s same with addicts, even the destructive thing. They hate regular things and regular life. But you are so young and you have to break that chain. Study, work, work as a volunteer (this pushes you to go and do other stuff). It puts your mind in another place to. Believe me been there and still have that problem I fight with. And really hating yourself means working on yourself. Accept who you are. A nice guy 
I wish you a nice weekend and hope you will get better. I’m really sorry to hear that your life is being so difficult now!
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