“In my experience the hurtful things have been the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.”
@JezebelleMoon said this as we talked one day and shared our own experiences with each other and it resonated with me. I’m sure in our own experiences working with the Gods amd what not, many of us can also say the same. At first I thought I would maybe share this in the future, but after a little push from her (She’s great by the way ) and thinking on it myself, I said why not. Maybe someone out there can take something away from this as I did.
First serious lesson and one I’ll never forget for the rest of my life was my antics and the assistance of specific demons and Kings putting my grandma in the hospital and everything and everyone was telling me to use that death energy and pull her plug.
When I first started out on this path, I came to the discovery that I had an “affinity” for death energy or necromantic energy as some call it. The first nights after meditating and working on my third eye, I began to understand this and eventually would know some of its origin. It was apart of me, and I apart of it. Both of us connected much deeper than I thought at the time.
During this time, the relationship between my devout Christian grandma and myself began to deteriorate. From arguments over religion to her and her church friends attempting to “exorcise me”, it was bad to say the least lol. I was also becoming increasingly frustrated with the results of my practices and this only added on to stress and frustration I was feeling at the time.
In my readings and meditation she continually came up as a “barrier to my ascent”. My power animals said something about it. Azazel brought her up in the same context during a channeling on the forum, as well as a jackass who at the time was being used as a pawn in this game also pushing me toward things. I began to think heavily on killing her and destroying “any and all obstacles to my ascent’”. Before I made my decision, I received one more message, from Shemyaza actually who said to me, “You have external influences that are affecting you”. Blinded by my own ego and anger, I took this as a message of him telling me the influence was my grandmother and not as what he really was trying to tell me.
So I went through with a rite and asked the Infernal to work with me as remove the obstacles in my way, including my grandma. In 2 days time, she in the hospital with a dire need for blood transfusions because her hemoglobin count was dangerously low to the point she was too weak to even walk, extremely close to epileptic shock.
I’m sitting in the hospital with the literal urge and craving to finish the job, and I can feel the death energy manifest around me more stronger than it ever had before. I never felt anything emotion like that before. At one point I gave into my emotions and directed it to do what was necessary, but it didn’t budge at all, only comforting me instead, calming me down, lulling me into a nap. I got home, and I’m trying to let all of the emotion out for energy and the rite to do it’s job. Anger, sadness, rage, all of it, and I just couldn’t cast it. Not that I didn’t have the power to, it didn’t feel right, in my soul I knew it wasn’t what I should do, regardless of what the spirits and others are saying. So I basically said fuck this shit and leave me and mine as is. The energy was still there, but I began to feel I can only describe as “never ending peace” come over me and everything came out, all the emotions I had boiling over inside of me.
The next day I did divination and used the Book of Fate to find out how she was going to be and everything pointed to her recovering and doing well. Searching the forum a few days all of this after I came across someone saying something along the lines of this and I heard a man’s voice (who I now know was the energy and more than likely is my godform) in my head speak it. “Any one God can use baneful magick and curses to eliminate anything in their way. ‘The real test is when they use constraint and patience to dispel and destroy all barriers in their path. THAT is the power of a God.”. I became emotional as I heard that voice say this over and over to me as I read it.
I came to the realization as time passed that the entire situation from my relationship with my grandma to everything that happened in between was orchestrated by the Infernal for the sole purpose of teaching me one of the greatest lessons I’ll probably ever learn. I was blinded by my “need” to be dark, my stupid idea at the time of what darkness and power was. A destroyer, malevolent force that takes no prisoners and annhilates and kills anything and anyone that crosses its path. But that was and is not who I am. That way of thinking in hindsight now is reckless to me and is an example of a lack of maturity. A fool’s game in my opinion.
The entire time Lucifer, Lilith, Azazel, Shemyaza, Samael, the Infernal, my power animals, were showing me just what one part of what it truly means to be a living God. We hold the power of life and death in our hands. Death is easy to be given and used to eliminate, but to wield life is just as, or even more powerful.