Where was I? Oh I’m so boring, that’s right.
Shadownomicon Notes
So, new moon to full moon, or rather, a couple of day before full moon, I’m trying to follow this book, the Shadownomicon… the shadows are turning up all over, as presences and visual manifestation, in my personal life giving all the niggles and conflicts you’d expect. They are all transient. I don’t care, I’ve seen this all before and it’s still stupid. It never ends and I’m tired of reacting to it, it’s just part of being human, and not what’s important. Being human is not important to me, at all.
I’ll play the games, knowing they are games, knowing I signed up for this… and then I won’t. Actually playing them is getting harder than ever. My job is one I like and it’s still a boring game now, necessary but without. I watch myself walk away instead of trying to be a friend or a teacher or a student. Then I switch and try; as long as it’s not too much trouble - that’s not new.
On this forum, do I try? I’m an arse. I know I’m an arse, on purpose sometimes, deliberately nay-saying, shaking up the energy or playing devil’s advocate with a straight face… and sometimes I don’t and just don’t say anything when I could have shared, “been vulnerable” and tried to help, and that’s me being an arse too. What you see of me on this forum is pretty much 95% my shadow. I don’t want to engage, I don’t want approval or attention, I don’t want friends, I just watch and seagull comment. Here you go, I pooped an opinion: enjoy! I don’t wait for reactions, and when I’m down or really into my shadow I don’t post at all. Engaging with others is of the light, a light that is too bright for me sometimes. But also, I am a watcher, I feel I’m not really meant to take part. Why here? Don’t know - probably because anywhere else my unpopular opinions get me banned, or the community doesn’t post anything that interests me to have an opinion about. Least fluffy and least intolerant occult forum out there, imo.
Back to the price of fish… so, without a lot of verbal conversation, the shadows did what they could. They passed through me and worked subconsciously anyway, bringing to light that one deeper issue that Samael wanted work on. They had permission, and they changed my energy body as I fed this thing into the stones.
Oh yeah, the stones - well, I didn’t “corrupt” them. I thought that was silly, tbh. You know, you can just talk to the spirit in a crystal, and ask it to work with you? People always seem to forget that and treat them like inanimate objects. Maybe this is the animist in me, but it’s not necessary to force when you can just ask and have it come to you so much more easily.
I am stone, in some ways, earthy you could say. So, I talked to the stones as my brothers, who came to me through my Calling for the right stones for this working. They came as a pair, and when I looked into them to see which one I should use, they both wanted in, so I kept them as a pair. Twin stones, probably both from the same deposit. It occurred to me: I am a twin, and if my twin had lived we would have done this thing together, so it fits. Another shadow worked through years ago that, being a twinless twin. Cute though.
Alright, enough of that, what did Samael want me to work on? Oh, only my counter dependence.
So, for those who don’t know, counter dependency is a form of codependency, that has left the building and gone from trying to control love into full on love phobia, effectively. I can’t be loved - to hear I am loved is the same thing as hearing “I want you to perform for me, to be used by me, so I will now hurt you for fun”. I don’t even believe humans are capable of unselfish love. Every relationship I’ve had of course reinforced this, as it would if you know your psychology. Big shadow, not shadow woman, that’s different - I don’t recognise this in any of the main ones in the book.
This is why I like to run my love life as a shallow series of FWB arrangements, and run at the first sign of attachment. I’m done being used. Being female makes hookups difficult to get past the inner censor, people can’t be sexy as just walking sex toys, so FWBs is a good compromise. Personal enough to engage, not personal enough to trigger my counter dependency.
No spirit I’ve talked to approves of this design, and neither do most humans.
Notable attempts to get me to address this are Hekate: I banished her and haven’t spoken to her since. Then I was working with Orisha Oshun on something last year, working done, she wanted to work on this with me - “heal” me of it, she said. I banished her and dismantled her alter immediately.
Nobody has been allowed to touch it. It’s my last defense against my greatest fear, and it is my fear, at the same time. I lost my big heart center block last year that was my armour, all I have left is this - my fear - to protect me from what hurts. This is what fear is for.
And Samael wants it gone. Says it’s in the way of deeper workings, not because he wants me to fall in love with him [gag] but because it’s existence causes a perturbation in my energy body that closes me off to full access to some kennings. I fundamentally do not trust the deepest connections and resist them, so I can’t get the info over them. The deepest communication happens over the frequency of love, and I am afraid.
The irony is not lost on me that I’m the first person to tell others to “be afraid and do it anyway”. Now I am challenged to put my money where my mouth is.
Writing this I’m still like, “Eh, do I need this? Am I really that curious? How far can I bend before I break?” Logically I can see the utility. Emotionally it’s a testament to my trust in Samael that I haven’t just banished him like I did everyone else. Spirit is not giving up on this issue. And so the shadows get to give it a go, and they are and they have.
Two days before the full moon, after two weeks of building, spill overs manifesting as general ick in the people around me, with devices glitching and my car breaking down, I felt like a boil had popped. A sudden peace and relief, a tightness in my heart I didn’t know was there lessened. A tightness I couldn’t have felt if I hadn’t had that soul retrieval to feel it with a couple of months ago. Which was a soul fragment I could not have got back if I hadn’t had that heart block removed last year, which Belial started.
I keep thinking this arc has completed and it keeps extending.
I’m talking more instead of staying quiet: I’m less afraid to be seen. I’m kinder and nicer, and less judgmental, less waiting to be attacked, more happy to share. Who am I now and what have I don’t with myself? Am I more myself than ever? Maybe.
Onward bound.