Maulbeere's Ramblings and Shiny Things

Thank you for this perfect explanation. I didn’t know that vamps just have a broken energy system. I also didn’t know that there is no “turning”.

Is there a genetic link? (daughter/son having higher chance of being born a vamp)? If not, it would be really bad b/c they have no one to teach them or even know what’s going on/what’s wrong.

I’m sorry if the information is already somewhere on this forum.

I’m not aware of genetic links, and we live in a society where energy work is “woo” and held in suspicion, so they don’t get a lot of help. The Internet helps some, but has a lot of misinformation, and people can get really confused between romantic fiction, which is inspired by the folklore which is more about discarnate entities feeding on the living, and the actuality.

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Shadownomicon Notes

Rather than do a new journal for my Shadownomicon workings, I know I’ll find it hard to post diligently so I’ll just pop them in here.

I wasn’t really going to say anything, but they want me to. Legion wants me to. Being known is a thing they want, and for reasons… I’m not a writer but I’ll see what I can do.

So, taking a step back, I’ve been working with Samael for several months now. What started as a 90 day pathworking stalled at day 36. He gave me a pause and 4 books to read. With each book, it turned out I did’t have to read the whole thing - he stopped me when I reached the part he wanted me to see, or when I learned what he wanted me to learn. Quite unexpectedly, I’d be reading and he’d show up and go “there! that’s what I wanted you to see” and talk about that thing for a bit, and then I could move on from the book.
This was so much easier than trying to learn the same info my clairsentience. Reading the books provided swathes of language I would not have interpreted correctly without the book as framework.

It also meant I stopped counting the days. And it went quiet for a while while I practices some of these books ideas and techniques, and let it all sink in. Every so often I’d say, Samael, did I ditch and break the pact, do you want to continue? And he’s say, let’s continue - and what would happen is people would ask for help with the exact things I was learning, mostly about fighting parasites - so I got real time practice, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t, and I learned.

And then he brought me another book, D H Thorne’s Maelstrom, which seemed sort of basic, and was like, yeah ok that makes sense, but there’s nothing really new for me here. Well, that was just an awareness exercise for an author who’s energy I hadn’t worked with before. Then I suddenly felt drawn to the Lovecraftian current. I like the idea of the Simon Necronomicon that links the Sumerian deities with the Old Ones. I wanted to understand it… I didn’t link the two in my mind, not yet.

Samael then brought me to the Shadownomicon, also by Thorne. I’d seen this around before and thought the name cute but gimmicky and passed over it for that reason, not expecting something really serious. I still didn’t connect it with Lovecraft, for some reason - bit of a blind spot I guess. But now I’d liked the Maelstrom book and was more open to this one - clever Samael. He knows how to work around my foibles. :slight_smile:

And so as I’m reading it, we connect, and he suggests that I follow this work before launching into the Simon Necronomicon. Dense ol’ me assumes I should winkle out some more shadows before facing the “terrors of the deep”. Though I half - and still do - want to challenge my sanity at this point. I’ve typically played it safe, and never let my control slip, and I wonder how much this limits my experience.
Curiosity killed the cat: and that’s fine, I’m ready.

Then I actually bought the book. But before I start reading it, two days after I bought it our freind @anon39079500 posts his Shadownomicon pathworking, right here in Journals. It was his writing that clued me in on the connection between the Simon Necronomicon, and (the now-obviously, I realise, named) Shadownomicon. Fucking duh.

Funny how you’re encouraged through things sometimes. I might have easily forgotten it was in my Kindle otherwise, along with several others I didn’t make the time to finish yet. And Samael would have gone quiet, patiently waiting, and I’d have wondered why, while horrible things kept happening to the dates I tried to make, thier loved ones and thier friends literally dying so they cancel and instead of going out I find myself in ritual for lack of anything else to do and needing an outlet for the energy.

Word to the wise: if you commit to an entity like Samael to do ritual with him on a given night, go ahead and make sure you do it first, if you don’t like odd and unpleasant coincidences involving unexpected death, gently removed 2 degrees from you yet close enough to be disturbing.

Where was I…?
Oh right, so now I’ve read the Shadownomcon, I followed the white rabbit into social media connections to the larger group workings, and that’s where it started to get really interesting.

I’m not doing the Shadownomicon for me. I’ve done so much shadow work, I have been bored of me for years, so I’m happy about that. I’m doing it for them. I know these shadows, they are me and I’m them. But they want to be known by everyone.

Now, I’m not terribly altruistic. I’m on this planet for an altruistic promise I made to a freind and I’m quite cross with myself for it. I come up as the Hermit, or the Queen of Pentacles “will help if it’s not too much trouble”, neutral evil type. I know what I’m like, the terrible things I’ve done and wish I could do over, my mistakes, what I’m bad at and what I’m good at.

But a promise is a promise, and as it turns out, helping the shadows be know, working with them to open gates and help people work with them, directly helps me fulfill my promise: to give energy to humanity to help with ascension.

That is the point. There are many paths for a mage to know themselves, which is very important and needed to become adept. Know yourself, and you find, you know everything, for you might have already been or are being everything. This type of shadow working is very in-your-face and direct about showing you yourself.

It fits, as humanity is now out of time. Azazel told EA Koetting “get to the lifeboats”. This is one such lifeboat. A “lifeboat” is not a mystical gate, not a physical thing - it’s a metaphor, as things in magick usually are.
It’s a symbol of a last-ditch, brutal but potentially faster way to get enlightened, ascended, i.e. to know yourself as a fully realised entity incarnate as a human, capable of seeing how they are vast and everything at once, and a tiny, separate, blind and deaf being at the same time. Not a thoughtform aspecting another god, not a child of the gods, not an egregore incarnate or mere “human” trying to ascend - but as an entity that has accepted it’s sovereignty and will endure and remain form here on, separate and individual, while being connected to the rest of the occult universe.

Having said that, spiraling through more shadow work is never an effort wasted. Humans are easily complex enough to fuel a lifetime of this work. There’s much I can still do, and a thing Samael wants me to work on that will help his mentoring of me. Just writing this is part of my own work facing my desire to hide and not be seen. It’s all intertwined and everything means many things at once.

So I’ll pause here and screw up my courage to write more later. I guess I can hope noone reads it :)… and so it starts.

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Thanks for the inspiration. :grinning: Do the spirits you work with actually talk to you with voices or do you just get a gut feeling for what they’re trying to communicate with you?

What are these dates? People you’re helping from parasites? People you are working with? Dates, like romantic dates?

After reading the whole thing, I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I get the point, which is to do your work first if you don’t want people dying, etc.

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Sorry for derailing the topic a bit, but… I don’t like the word occult. I like to just think of all this as spiritual knowledge that people are ignorant about. It’s not really “hidden”; people just refuse to accept it, i.e., are gullible to a fake reality.

@Mulberry That was fun and interesting. Please continue to update us :smiley:

There’s a mixture of ways I get information, it depends on the spirit, my state, and what it is.

  1. Clair-audience happens rarely for me. It’s unexpected, it’s uncontrollable, I can’t force or expect it to happen, and when it does it’s like an actual voice in my head. I can count only 3 times in my life I had true clairaudience in a fully awake state, and it seemed to coincide with messages that the entity had a lot of emotion about or considered very important. All other times have been in very deep trance or in that half-awake half-asleep state.
  2. Clair-sentience, or Kennings, where I just know. It’s as if I suddenly have known this thing my whole life, and don’t remember where I learned it. But I remember not knowing it a few moments before. It’s new ad old at the same time.
  3. Empathy, which is where I pick up emotions about what’s being said, and have to sit with it to understand the abstract concepts causing the emotions. This is the hardest to describe. In this case getting into deep trance allows it to comes with the next thing, flashes. The fae, including crystals and many ghosts communicate to me primarily through empathy.
    Note - empathy is not feeling “others emotions”, it’s feeling emotions as if they were your own, and having to sort out which ones were you and which were “not you”, it works by resonance in your emotional field, so there’s no difference until you can get you field back to baseline and draw conclusions from the change. E.g., suddenly being really sad, but having no reason for it, then going outside and feeling normal again - probably wasn’t me - from there I can keep it separated mentally and track it down.
  4. “Flashes” as I call them are often quick scenes but with a ton of information. You might get just an image without context but more often you also have a kenning with it so you just know what the image is about. This one takes forever to write down. Whole lives can come in one flash. They’re also the easiest to lose the details about quickly - it’s just too much for my human brain to keep together long enough to get it all down.
  5. Memory - this is the most common ritual experience, I ask a question, and it’s like I remember someone just telling me but don’t remember them saying it out loud. This can feel a lot like you’re imagining things. Being repetitive and getting as deep into trance as possible helps here.
  6. Automatic writing - also feels like imagination, except I’m crap at writing and world building, you stop thinking and let the writing flow. It’s like the memory one but you use the writing to help disengage judgement and over thinking it.

E.g. you’re walking along the hallway in your house, and feel like you’re being watched - you’re sensing a presence, but turn around and there’s nothing visible. But you have a feeling that it was an old man, he lives here, (or lived here), and you remember now, in this moment that you are seeing he has blue jeans and… you suddenly wonder why he’s wearing a hat indoors.You don’t remember seeing a hat you just know he’s got one, and it’s cream - you have no idea why you know his hat is cream, it’s just a fact like the sky is blue - and now you know that you can see it in your mind’s eye, and it’s a fedora - you’ll make out more details to longer you sit with it. You get a bit of old-person smell, and stale cigarette smoke off his clothes. You might get a sense that he’s annoyed - what are you doing in his house? …or needy - wait you can see him!? He wants you to listen to him - to get out or just talk. You might fancy you can see a column blurriness where the presence is, but maybe that’s because it’s foggy outside and maybe the fog, er, got in the house?
You just met a human ghost. He may or may not even know he’s dead. Don’t second guess your immediate kennings. Write them down, respect them and you will get more of them. Ignore them and they’ll likely fade and get easier to pass over with practice.

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Here’s a thing I find creepy.

I occasionally write my dreams in a dream journal I keep by by bed, dedicated to the purpose. I’ve had it for years and it’s mostly empty, because mostly just like to stay asleep. I make the entries if I wake up from a particularly odd dream - and remember it exists.

In looking back through this journal, half the entries are completely foreign. Some, I recall the dream after reading, some, I don’t remember the dream at all, and not even writing it down. It’s like some other person wrote them for me, in my handwriting, but it’s the first time I’ve read them. Or the 2nd etc… But I don’t recall writing them.

The journal is actually half full. Not a lot creeps me out but this one does it.

The ones I recall the least are the ones that seemed like I’ve walked into another of my lives. There’s versions of me that made different life decisions, and through dreams I find out who they are. I see through thier eyes and find thier life as briefly my own. After that I can journey to re-access them, look around thier house, at the view out of thier windows, maybe take a walk outside, see what job they do, where they live, what the weather’s like, try and ‘remember’ if they have a relationship - everyday people stuff. Sometimes, I recognise my own stuff in thier places - my very old stuff that I’ve owned for over 30 years, or old things I used to have and got rid of - that duvet cover with the latin flower names, my penknife I got when I was 10.
And then I forget they exist.
So I’m forgetting myself all the time. It makes me wonder.

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Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS THIS SAME THING HAPPENING TO YOU LIKE I DO. IT DOESN’T CREEP ME OUT AT ALL ANYMORE. This happened to me while reading your post earlier. I know it wasn’t being edited by you. The second time I read it, I noticed things that were not there. This doesn’t just happen to me with dreams or recording dreams, but with everything. It’s like we shift realities.

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Once, I thought I was sensing people in astral form investigating my life from the past (years earlier). I would see things I owned, like weights in my closet, where they used to be.

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Shadownomicon Notes

TL;DR: Yeah I still bore me. But an interesting thing happened on the way to selfie-burnout.

So, I’m not having long conversations and work with each of the book’s predefined aspects of human shadow one by one. I met and integrated most a long time ago, or don’t have them as my personal shadows. My big, ‘dark’ question is about why humanity itself even exists.

I talked to Legion, it is me and I am it, and always was, and yet we are both more than ourselves… of course. Aren’t we all?

I had some interesting personal kennings with Ranz, pronounced in the German way [Rantze i.e. Rance], who I like a lot. My feeling is, he dropped the ‘iel’ as he doesn’t want to be associated with the suffix ‘of god’, and I will respect that going forward, even if Azazel chooses not to.

TBH I don’t feel it’s Azazel’s say-so. So, Ranz’ is what I’ll call him, entity to entity, me and him, without the overlay of titles or faction alignments. I don’t recognise or respect any hold human language or religion thinks it’s got over him, unintentional or otherwise, thus with me he can be free of these lenses. Ranz is a very interesting being in his own right, beyond what people think he can do for them. He can do nothing for me, so we can have an even conversation.

He isn’t “outcast”, he chose his path as do we all, the abyss isn’t a no mans land, it’s not the JCI hell, it’s not negative. At this point he can do what he wants, go anywhere, he is sovereign. So I asked him why he still mucks about with humanity, which I think is actually a complete waste of spiritual effort. This question is fundamental to me, because if I understood why he does it, maybe I’d understand why I do, or why anyone does.

Because he told me he’s sovereign, challenging my new-age notion that discarnate entities are "too connected’ to have “true” free will, and by extension that being human is about having free will. I got a new view, that I’ve felt before, that being human is like the extreme sports of the universe. Most of the entities in the universe haven’t heard of it, and if they do think it’s a stupid idea. What do you mean you want to incarnate on a planet that’s so deep into the physical you lose all sense of the rest of us and think you’re alone in a simulation? Where you can experience anything and have no way to make a safety call to stop it? Are you fucking nuts? Apparently, no more than thrill seekers looking for a different kind of intensity anywhere. It’s not like being human takes very ‘long’.

What about being human as a ‘fast track’ to spiritual development?
I find this idea believable, if it’s true that it’s like an extreme sport, you are going to sink or swim. If you swim, you gain knowledge and experience you couldn’t get any other way, in theory, or, that would take millennia to gain in a safer, slower way. If you sink though, what then? You devolve into a lesser entity, forgetting who you are or that you were ever good enough to be human? Ranz didn’t have anything new to add to this line of thinking. He just agreed with me that the comforting new age idea that nothing about being human is real enough to do lasting damage to a spirit isn’t true. Did I just hear what I expected to hear? Needs more work here.

Next question - what about what Kiltan told me about the semi-permanence of physicality being attractive? Having the ability to create a thing, forget about a thing and not have it ‘despawn’ before you or someone else can find it, because no-one is maintaining it’s existence and entropy dissolves it?
This is of course available on any planet where physical incarnation happens. Many planets are not as separated as Earth. So that can’t be a reason to incarnate as human, just a reason to incarnate, period. Was Kiltan being slippery or did I not ask my original question right? I don’t remember.

None of that was what I came into my little blog to say. Hmn.

Where was I? Oh I’m so boring, that’s right.

Shadownomicon Notes

So, new moon to full moon, or rather, a couple of day before full moon, I’m trying to follow this book, the Shadownomicon… the shadows are turning up all over, as presences and visual manifestation, in my personal life giving all the niggles and conflicts you’d expect. They are all transient. I don’t care, I’ve seen this all before and it’s still stupid. It never ends and I’m tired of reacting to it, it’s just part of being human, and not what’s important. Being human is not important to me, at all.

I’ll play the games, knowing they are games, knowing I signed up for this… and then I won’t. Actually playing them is getting harder than ever. My job is one I like and it’s still a boring game now, necessary but without. I watch myself walk away instead of trying to be a friend or a teacher or a student. Then I switch and try; as long as it’s not too much trouble - that’s not new.

On this forum, do I try? I’m an arse. I know I’m an arse, on purpose sometimes, deliberately nay-saying, shaking up the energy or playing devil’s advocate with a straight face… and sometimes I don’t and just don’t say anything when I could have shared, “been vulnerable” and tried to help, and that’s me being an arse too. What you see of me on this forum is pretty much 95% my shadow. I don’t want to engage, I don’t want approval or attention, I don’t want friends, I just watch and seagull comment. Here you go, I pooped an opinion: enjoy! I don’t wait for reactions, and when I’m down or really into my shadow I don’t post at all. Engaging with others is of the light, a light that is too bright for me sometimes. But also, I am a watcher, I feel I’m not really meant to take part. Why here? Don’t know - probably because anywhere else my unpopular opinions get me banned, or the community doesn’t post anything that interests me to have an opinion about. Least fluffy and least intolerant occult forum out there, imo.

Back to the price of fish… so, without a lot of verbal conversation, the shadows did what they could. They passed through me and worked subconsciously anyway, bringing to light that one deeper issue that Samael wanted work on. They had permission, and they changed my energy body as I fed this thing into the stones.

Oh yeah, the stones - well, I didn’t “corrupt” them. I thought that was silly, tbh. You know, you can just talk to the spirit in a crystal, and ask it to work with you? People always seem to forget that and treat them like inanimate objects. Maybe this is the animist in me, but it’s not necessary to force when you can just ask and have it come to you so much more easily.

I am stone, in some ways, earthy you could say. So, I talked to the stones as my brothers, who came to me through my Calling for the right stones for this working. They came as a pair, and when I looked into them to see which one I should use, they both wanted in, so I kept them as a pair. Twin stones, probably both from the same deposit. It occurred to me: I am a twin, and if my twin had lived we would have done this thing together, so it fits. Another shadow worked through years ago that, being a twinless twin. Cute though.

Alright, enough of that, what did Samael want me to work on? Oh, only my counter dependence.
So, for those who don’t know, counter dependency is a form of codependency, that has left the building and gone from trying to control love into full on love phobia, effectively. I can’t be loved - to hear I am loved is the same thing as hearing “I want you to perform for me, to be used by me, so I will now hurt you for fun”. I don’t even believe humans are capable of unselfish love. Every relationship I’ve had of course reinforced this, as it would if you know your psychology. Big shadow, not shadow woman, that’s different - I don’t recognise this in any of the main ones in the book.

This is why I like to run my love life as a shallow series of FWB arrangements, and run at the first sign of attachment. I’m done being used. Being female makes hookups difficult to get past the inner censor, people can’t be sexy as just walking sex toys, so FWBs is a good compromise. Personal enough to engage, not personal enough to trigger my counter dependency.

No spirit I’ve talked to approves of this design, and neither do most humans.
Notable attempts to get me to address this are Hekate: I banished her and haven’t spoken to her since. Then I was working with Orisha Oshun on something last year, working done, she wanted to work on this with me - “heal” me of it, she said. I banished her and dismantled her alter immediately.

Nobody has been allowed to touch it. It’s my last defense against my greatest fear, and it is my fear, at the same time. I lost my big heart center block last year that was my armour, all I have left is this - my fear - to protect me from what hurts. This is what fear is for.

And Samael wants it gone. Says it’s in the way of deeper workings, not because he wants me to fall in love with him [gag] but because it’s existence causes a perturbation in my energy body that closes me off to full access to some kennings. I fundamentally do not trust the deepest connections and resist them, so I can’t get the info over them. The deepest communication happens over the frequency of love, and I am afraid.

The irony is not lost on me that I’m the first person to tell others to “be afraid and do it anyway”. Now I am challenged to put my money where my mouth is.

Writing this I’m still like, “Eh, do I need this? Am I really that curious? How far can I bend before I break?” Logically I can see the utility. Emotionally it’s a testament to my trust in Samael that I haven’t just banished him like I did everyone else. Spirit is not giving up on this issue. And so the shadows get to give it a go, and they are and they have.

Two days before the full moon, after two weeks of building, spill overs manifesting as general ick in the people around me, with devices glitching and my car breaking down, I felt like a boil had popped. A sudden peace and relief, a tightness in my heart I didn’t know was there lessened. A tightness I couldn’t have felt if I hadn’t had that soul retrieval to feel it with a couple of months ago. Which was a soul fragment I could not have got back if I hadn’t had that heart block removed last year, which Belial started.

I keep thinking this arc has completed and it keeps extending.

I’m talking more instead of staying quiet: I’m less afraid to be seen. I’m kinder and nicer, and less judgmental, less waiting to be attacked, more happy to share. Who am I now and what have I don’t with myself? Am I more myself than ever? Maybe.

Onward bound.

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Shadownomicon Notes

The eventual end all and be all of that round of shadow work for me that I finally healed my counter dependency. This was the point of Samael’s interest in this work for me, and it’s done. He’s been quiet ever since. One I stopped dithering and only dipping my toe in the waters, rather afraid to try it tbh, it wasn’t so bad. Just like that. Magick is awesome. :slight_smile:

I did have a visit from the Shadow Mother, who wanted a target. I gave her one. I doubt she’s doing much, it’s a tough target that will keep her busy for a while :slight_smile:
I didn’t work with her directly as I’ve done all that, so many times over so many year, and she doesn’t bother me or interest me any more.

I’m tired of the lot of them really.

These Shadow people, they’re kind of shallow and one dimensional in the end. We fill them with meaning because our lives carry so much meaning, but when you’ve got nothing left to give them, no more games to play, they’re like flat balloons - lifeless and dull.

I am my own shadow. And I am my own light.
I am my own everything.
It’s kinda boring.

I’ll just keep seeking… and find the next mountain to climb.

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Which is Controlled Remote Viewing. This doesn’t consider itself to be magick. But in learning to get in touch with my subconscious/superconscious/high self, which might all be the same thing in different models, my rituals and clairs should improve.

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Today I learned about the Asch Conformity Test.

This is depressing. Just as I start saying “hey, we’re not monkeys any more” we pull shit like this.

It adds weight to the position that reading other mages books , and even “immersive preparation” can and will influence your results. Whether that’s for good or ill is anyone’s guess.

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Mar 1 Space weather watch:
Kp 6 solar storm incoming over the next day or two]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0mfTKj1GHQ.
Never mind mercury retrogrades, these really do my head in… Hunkering down indoors.

Well well, someone agrees with me about how worthless and narcissistic yahweh is as one of the aliens that then turned around and demanded to be speshul. In different words, and a xtian explanation with bible references like I can’t be bothered with.

From this channel.

Yaweh is not defined, he’s not the father, he’s not the son, he’s not the holy ghost. He never says he has a son or a father.
Jesus’ “Father” was never Yahweh.

I think yahweh is a later corruption, probably dating from the time of Constantine when he chucked out 42 book and rewrote the rest to suit his politics, and remove the trinity to preach the dogma of duality.

See, there are two types of god for humans.

  1. Anient aliens that created us, that we’ve worshipped like primitive monkeys we are following a cargo cult.
  2. Personifications of natural forces.

You could argue a third that the Taoists call postheaven gods that are basically thoughtforms we create, but as those are not popularly called gods in the west that’s a sidenote.

Who is who, one asks, who is not even the original “god” but the myth of a person modified so many times it’s unrecognisable, as Alalu, the “Annunaki” from “Nibiru” (already a warped myth) became Horus became Jesus?

This is why control and it’s counterpart, worship are the exact opposite of enlightenment and ascension.
To worship is to relinquish your own divinity and sovereignty, and your reduce yourself to nothing more than a soulless automaton.

This is the nature of the veil - blind trust - “there’s none so blind as those who will not see”.

I’m very frustrated.

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Thanks for the awesome explaination of this subject.

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Well the eye can only see what the mind can comprehend…