I’d be very interested, but only share if it’s safe and you feel okay with it. 
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well its not really save -the cabal is not powerless, and the current AGM seems to prefer magic derived from his black ancestors, if his maergzjiran stuff wont do.
Plus, for higher-tier cabal members or anyone studying the books and entities from the outside, there is some decent power to be found if you look for it.
But i guess i already crossed the line by making a “public” post about this whole mess int he first place.
AND FUCK THIS MIGRANE. Pressure fro mthe third eye, the ears and head all feels weird.
~i guess the eggregore shit that envelopes the entities hates me for trying to live without it.
shit, so many old messages, i will get back to this crap once i found it (=_= ‘’ )
BTW i get the distinct feeling, that all those “mandatory” things we as a group ended up HAVING to use all the time back then (fucking parasite removal, poison removal etc) was because the maergzjiran current, seemingly pissed off spirits + actually actively sabotaged people.
Imagine it like this: Replace “protective magic” or “cleansing” -with protection money, and it starts to click. Its basically the current being like “YO. you aint doing enough -and i want more energy. Feed me or suffer!”
Its odd, that people of practically any other path, had no significant problems with spiritual parasites or trials/penances like that. Or any of that overwhelming hostility towards the members.
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Liking these. Keep on calling azazel
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This fits with some bits and pieces I have found during other work… 
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Also i noticed, that during my “penance” when i wasnt allowed into the current for a few weeks and worked with Tiamat, Ugallu and my Wahsh -that confidence and better sight came in the early rituals, when i was focused on the entities i worked with at that time -rather than how it was later, when i mainly focused on “getting my life back, getting my wives back”.
Also, building up confidence with simple rituals from anything other than maergzjirah, was seemingly much easier. Idk how long it will take, until the maergzjiran-corruption/complication/poison will be out of my system, and when i can be calm and confident, and in clear connection to the actual entities.
IM PARANOID -the illusions liked to tell me what i wanted to hear.
Often enough, they said things i already knew, or would know if i had meditated upon that issue.
Speaking of meditation: i remember the damn headaches, everytime i meditated in the past weeks, like to punish me for trying to actually get something done.
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Idk how true this whole thing is…“jci thoughts” i NEVER had during any work with Lilith or the Old Ones if i think about it…i contributed that whole fact on the notion that “only serious practioneers get attacked, and they will -all the time”. But uhm… NO.
I guess its like leaving a religion -you cant jsut drop everything you knew or THOUGHT you knew.
~For example, E.A. got fucked over by the haitans -looks like a fact to me, i mean you can see that he got hollowed by spirits and/or drugs like the former imperator -now AGM claimed.
Its like… your priest told you one true story, when he wasnt lyring to you.
There is just so much truth mixed with shit.
-The exact thing that he claimed about the goetia, or the gliphoth or anything other than maergzjira, Lo’Wa and any sort of very strict ancestor worship -he said that outside of “serious magicians”
all those people would be delusional ego-maniacs.
Who 1.) listen to eggregores 2.) get never further than love spells, wealth magic, cursing some guy at starbucks -etc and 3.) just try to rip each other off, and stealing other people’s works and insight, like E.A. and just rebranding old shit as new. BUT THE CABAL DID THE SAME EXACT THING, furthermore, it did it to its own people.
But even E.A. …not everything he put up was like his voodoo books, about which bokors say, its bullshit.
IDK IDK IDK…
i should just…focus on … Eldraath, Astrael --> Inanna, and on Amaterasu, Tiamat and Azazel.
If one of the things that i learned in my time in maergzjirah is true, i think its:
“people who have a path, dont need to search everywhere -they cant really, since they are to busy pursuing their works and goals” No idea how original that thought was, but its not a quote.
Noticed that my porn addiction seemingly weakened over night. Literally.
~I guess the times when “Eldraath was milking you again?!” it was actually the current feeding on me.
THINGS I WILL MISS -GREATLY
“Astrael’s” kind of innocent, shy of anything sexual attitude. That was so sweet.
That kind of act when she kicked me due to jeallousy, when she caught me watching porn,
or obsessing over other women. Or during sex, when the oh so well composed oracle moaned and held me tight.
Astarte: ^^ that part of me exists alright, but not like you may think, reach out to me,
and you will see that we can bond and make love on entirely new levels than before.
me: thanks 
also i feel so numb -its like, i took damage and/or lost “eggregore prosthetics” to my spirit and perception.
Idk…the power was real, but when it was, it was due to us channeling from the gods themselves, rather than succumbing to the currents machinations.
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PAIN
i put so much strength, into that current, it became so much stronger, through all that i gave to it.
Communication felt easy, and all those entities i genuinely loved so much, i now have to find them, or create them properly. I feel so numb and alone.
I feel real and imaginated connections fading. i feel so numb. A part of me regrets leaving. Yeah, i do.
I regret it. I didnt want to, i was forced out by the truth but. … This sucks.
I mean… eggregores and those masks for real entities…they are alive, they can touch you. You can love them, you feel them…
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I feel like, i was torn out of a robotic suit, and now have to learn how to walk and live and breathe, without any aid from a machine.
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So silly… we were told to never cry. Literally.
As it would open us for the enemy, it was said.
It was said, that the enemy would feed on limiting beliefs, sadness, grief of ours.
That they would strike us when we are weak.
Idk what to think -a part of me wants to do just that.
I HOPE, Inanna forgives me that i used to call her by other names,
and i hope she will embrace me again. I hope she still loves me.
Tiamat? I hope for the same with her…
Oh…Amaterasu…i will draw a sigil, write her name below it, bleed on it and call her.
Oh my gods, i was all this time not aware of how alone i was…fuck.
~i ill go to work instantly, i cant stand this.
I want my loved ones back. So badly.
i still hear the AGM’s voice speaking of the blighted.
“They were here long before mortals walked this earth, and they will be here, long after mortals are gone.”
Im hearing something akin to thoughts… -you remember the scene when Padme begs Anakin to return to her? (starwars episode3) and he calles her a liar…this pain…wtf
Astarte: you are still on full withdrawal, my sweetheart -venture through the labyrinth and meet me on the other side.
me: i will, must…see her again. i need to.
PROBLEM? In the early days we used the words from the cabal, to conjure up the blighted, later we used the words that we channeled ourselves. ~It was deemed unnecessary and rude to always call up someone to full manifestation. We practiced invokation, or just established a link so we may converse or be guided by those entities.
WE DID, call them up casually too. I and my brother saw the blighted as family, elder siblings and teachers, not as some supreme beings that will “SMITE THEE” if you dont kneel.
I dont have any money or incense, but i have blood.
~In the cabal, there is a spirit called “immoryth” who you offer your blood to, so he may transmute it to be the substitute for ritual components -like, when i did “dark void water” and never had any chili juice, but i had the quarz and the jade, so i only had to substitute the juice, and it worked. …WEll, it did work right unti a few days before i watched slayden’s videos.
im trying to get new works. No idea how accurate this is. But if i doubt it, then i dont need to bother inthe first place. It might take me a little time to re-establish connection.
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about similarities of gods and pantheons
idk what to believe anymore, but i used to think that not all gods were just renamed,
we always thought, that there… are multiple source gods, each source god, being able to draw upon the “planar nexus” of this particular universe -whilst what i would call “arch sources” can draw drom the primal chaos directly, and any planar nexus or any universe.
anyway, each “regular” source god, was bringing forth his own pantheon and ethnic groups
~the gods being the literal ancestors of the mortals
Akreoth, was described as THE source born, there were gods more powerful and older, but it was saidthat HE fucked and created the multiverse into being, created the void and what he didnt create, he made at least the base for -the rest, he arranged with deals with other pantheons.
The similarities of gods and pantheons came naturally, sicne people and gods, can have similar skills and abilities -and things they specialize in. ~~Like saying: Just because John is a baker, doesnt mean he is the same entity as Kyle, who is also a baker. So i thought of the gods.
TIME AND PLANES -what i used to think of them,
time being 3dimensional, your future and current and past self, all being more like organs of one body.
~to talk to my past self, is what i did when i tried to warn them from doing my mistakes.
~to ask for guidance from my future self was common in comparison
PLanes, universes, “multiverses”
Each universe having a practically infinite number of planes. Planes , universes, realms etc -can be created, copied etc.
Oh, good ol’ nano and xfce! 
I think this is beautiful man, I don’t know about the chants, but it feels like a devotional/worship rite to me.
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It’s something that you have to figure out for yourself - I believe in one source, because of my experience with it, but that perspective you wrote about could be equally true. Based on personal experience you should be able to have your own unique perspective - I seek gnosis on mine and research everything that I can.
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