It’s been a while. Not by much, though. Firstly, I want to post an update on my astral projection progress.
I haven’t fully left my body yet. I have only managed to either get close to doing so, or to get only part of my body out, such as a limb. I suppose it is indeed “progress”…considering just two weeks before, I wasn’t even able to get part of my body out…
Still, it frustrates me how I seem to lag behind in this practice. Its infuriating. And it is partially my fault. Inside of me lies some sort of subconscious fear that is hindering me from getting out of this body.
I mentioned to one of my friends that the process of astral projection feels a lot like trying to swim for the first time. The feelings, the bodily reactions, the energetic currents…they all feel like swimming in water. Well,
…I almost drowned as a child.
After this incident, I had always been afraid of being involved with any large body of water, and anything with a similar feeling as swimming. And, at least in my experience, astral projection has
this similar feeling. Which means that my fear of water, combined with the fear of the unknown, may be getting in the way of me fully getting out. It explains why I am able to get partially out, but can go no further. Something hinders me.
And that something, is deep-rooted subconscious fear.
Fear that I am not suppose to be feeling, considering I plan to deal with the Tyrant god personally, once and for all. To be afraid at such an early stage is ridiculous. But its deep-rooted. The only way is through. I suppose I just need to slowly get use to the feeling…
It is an ongoing process. And I will not stop until I fully get out. Yahweh’s wet dream would be for me to give up completely.
…So I will do the exact opposite.
Now…on to the Morrigan. Oh my god… The woman is no joke. The experiences are true; she’s not for the faint of heart. She will push you to your very limits, as she has done with me yesterday night. I feel that its best if I just told you the experience…
It was right after yet another failed attempt at astral projection. And I was beginning to become frustrated, and angry. Funny thing is, becoming frustrated hinders astral projection even more. So it was a constant feedback loop of me becoming frustrated and shooting myself in the foot…
So to calm myself down, I decided that I would just meditate and not even worry about astral projection. I just wanted peace of mind.
After a few minutes, I got into a deep meditative state. It was peaceful, honestly. It always is. There is something about being there, in the dark. Only you and your cleared mind. Its addicting. Its a getaway from life.
Minutes into this blissful experience, I was immediately pulled to the Morrigan’s “realm”. The same place she had taken me in her first summoning. It was so abrupt, it was almost as if I was snatched into it forcefully.
In the distance, I heard someone say sternly, “See Me.”
So I went, quickly. Through the deadened trees and foggy environment, until I reached her small hut-like shelter, which oddly led into an abandoned church. I entered in, and saw her sitting cross-legged, facing one of the many giant windows. I didn’t know what to think. Was she upset? Did she just have news? Why had she brought me here?
Me: Morrigan. Is something wrong?
She turned around slowly.
Morrigan: Another failed attempt, I see…
I stayed silent for a moment.
Me: I’m trying, Morrigan. I really am. I seem to be blocked. Its so frustrating.
Morrigan: Patience is necessary, Lucius. Getting frustrated over this will only hinder your progress further. It is best to just forgive yourself and keep going.
Me: You called me here. Why?
Morrigan: Yes. I wanted to…determine where you are at in your progress.
Me: My progress? In astral projection?
Morrigan: Not only that, but your psyche. A far more important aspect, which transcends all others.
Me: What does my psyche have to do with all of this?
Morrigan: Everything, and more. The warrior who is mentally prepared will have a better advantage in battle. Your mind is the greatest weapon you have.
Me: And…you wish to see where my mind is at, per say? Like a quiz?
Morrigan: Yes. But first, I need to ask you something. A ‘Pre-test’ question.
She slowly gets up, standing a dozen feet before me now.
Morrigan: Be honest, boy. Do you consider yourself to be…strong?
Me: In what sense?
Morrigan: All aspects.
Me: Well, being this far into all of this, I’d say yes. I am a strong person.
Morrigan: (slight laughter) We shall see…
Before I could say anything else, the Morrigan charged at me, running surprisingly fast. And I was greeted with a knee into the face. Her attack sent me flying back, out of her church/hut and into the deadened forest. I crashed to the ground, rolling in dirt.
In the distance, she charged at me again, faster than last time. A few feet way, she leaped into the air, and had a fist ready and aimed right at my face.
I quickly rolled out of the way, as her fist hit the soil (exactly where my face would have been), making a loud “booming” sound and creating a cloud of dirt. I quickly got up, startled at what just happened. She was genuinely trying to kill me.
Me: Sweet Jesus Christ! What the fuck!!!
Morrigan: Fight me, Lucius. Right here, right now. Don’t hold back. I want you to try to kill me. As I will with you.
Morrigan: Because I want to see for myself how strong you really are.
Me: Wait!! Stop! I Don’t wanna fight you!
Morrigan: (sarcastic) Oh, is that so?
Morrigan: So what if I told you that everything I said about Lilith was a lie?
Morrigan: I don’t admire that whore of a goddess. And I wish her nothing but harm.
I began to get slightly offended. Insults directed towards me don’t bother me as much as insults directed towards my loved ones. And out of everyone, it is Lilith who I have an absolute “soft spot” for.
Me: Whore? Excuse me?
Morrigan: The bitch deserved what Yahweh gave her. Her and the degenerate swine she calls her “children”. That includes you. You’re nothing but a waste of both sperm and energy, Morningstar. She doesn’t love you. Her children don’t love you. Nobody does. Anyone who says so is only lying to you to keep you blind. You will always be alone. The world is better off with you dead. Better for you to use one of the surrounding trees to hang yourself.
It was at this moment that I felt this extreme sense of rage at her remark. More than I ever felt before. It was the kind where you feel your blood actually boil. Like you are about to explode. The kind where you lose your “logical” sense of thinking and just go into a rage.
I spawned a scythe-like weapon. I had been practicing with it for the fight with Yahweh.
Me: I SWEAR I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, BITCH!
Morrigan: Oh, I’m looking forward to it.
I charged at her first, still full of pure rage. The odd thing is, as infuriated as I seemed, she didn’t move a muscle.
She just stood there. Waiting for me to come closer. Quite scary, to be honest. It means that I did not pose any sort of threat at all. Like a child trying to fight a professional boxer. Looking back at it, I should have known that she had a trick up her sleeve, but I was so pissed off by her remark that I only had one goal in my mind: Kill her.
Inches away, I take a swing with the scythe.
As much as I hate to admit it, she dodged the swing so beautifully, and so effortlessly, and so fluidly, that even with my pure rage, such a move caught me off guard. It was like the opponent who just did a beautiful chess move.
She countered me with a swing of her spear, puncturing my energy body. Right near where a lung would be.
I fell to the ground, on my knees, and she brutally finished me off with a kick to the face. When I saw this “foot” inches before my eyes, I somehow had magically appeared on her left? As if I had re-appeared spontaneously.
But upon observing the surroundings, I saw “myself”, lying on the ground in front of her, lifeless, and bleeding out. And then I thought…
“Oh my god…she just killed me?”
A small portion of panic ensued, but more so even more rage, upon me figuring out that I had just lost a fight. It was an “oh shit” moment.
This time, she held two spears instead of one.
Morrigan: Try again.
Still determined to get her back for the remarks she said about Lilith, I come at her again, this time faster and stronger. I swing at her furiously and speedily. Yet, she still manages to dodge every move. It was almost as if she was reading me like a book. I wasn’t laying a finger on her. After the final swing, I feel a sensation in my abdomen and side of my neck. She had taken a stab at me twice. So fast that I wasn’t able to see it.
I re-appear yet again, completely shocked. Now, my rage lessened, and I was more in tune to panic. I hadn’t even grazed her, and she already “killed me” twice.
This process went on for multiple “rounds”. While I seemed to be struggling, Morrigan seemed to not even be breaking a sweat. Dozens of my own body lay on the ground.
Morrigan: Lucius, please. Give me a challenge. My training dummies are more of a threat than you.
This low-blow remark restarted my rage, and I was back to furiously swinging at her again. All to no avail. This time, she wielded a pretty good sized sword. She blocked every attack coming from me, and at the right moment, forcefully pushed me back to a tree. The impact dazed me, both astrally and physically. I was too dazed to doge her next attack, which ended up in me having a sword through my chest, and into a tree.
Upon the next “respawn”, I started to feel tired. So much so, that it manifested physically. It was like I was burning out.
Me: God dammit!
Morrigan: Care to at least try to kill me now?
Me: I am trying!!
Morrigan: If this is you “trying”, then its best for you to just surrender to Yahweh.
Too tired too feel rage at this point, I attack her again. This time, I move far slower, and seem to be uncoordinated. I moved like an exhausted boxer would in the ring. Sluggish and tired.
Of course, this made her job of killing me far easier, and at this point, she didn’t even have to try anymore. Not that she was in the first place…
Upon what had seemed like the 50th death, I tried a different strategy. If I couldn’t beat her in close-combat, then I could try long range weaponry. So…out with the “astral” pistols.
I decided to surprise her with these. Conveniently, the first shot seemed to have grazed her arm, catching her off guard. But before I could pull the trigger a second time, I was hit with an absolute swarm of crows, all attacking me, clawing and pecking at me. There were so many that I was blinded, not being able to see my surroundings or where I was going. Because of this, I began firing in random directions, focusing more on the petty crows than the Morrigan herself. But it seemed that the more I fired, the more crows would appear.
Until abruptly, they all disappeared within the blink of an eye, and I saw Morrigan right in front of me, already mid-attack with her sword again. When aiming at her, I see my guns, along with my hands…go flying. Not even a milisecond later, my vision had seemed to turn sideways, like the camera on a phone. And I saw myself dropping lower to the ground. I didn’t realize what was happening until I saw the lower-half of my body still standing up…
It was the “respawn” after this that I had lost all of my energy, and was highly exhausted. It wasn’t physical as much as it was mental. Like taking an extremely difficult exam, or staying up for 24 hours straight. This clouded me, and I no longer had the speed and power that I did during the first portion of the fight.
It was at this point that Morrigan dropped her weapons, and charged at me bare-handed. Before I could get a swing in, she disarmed me and took me down to the ground. With her on me and myself pinned down, she grabbed me by the shirt and began punching me furiously, over and over again.
Seeing that I already lost this fight 50+ deaths ago, was getting furiously punched in the face, and that she didn’t show any signs of stopping, I decided to finally give up.
Me: Stop!!! Please stop! You won, okay!? You won, god dammit! Let me go!! PLEASE!!
She had a furious look on her face now.
Morrigan: Let you go? Let you go!? Foolish child!
She picked me up by the throat and slammed me against a tree, holding me by the neck.
Morrigan: Do you really think Yahweh’s just going to let you go? Do you really think he won’t try to kill you!? Do you honestly think he’s going to show you mercy!? Don’t be weak!
Me: I’m not weak!
Morrigan: You are acting like it, boy! You’re more of a “woman” than I am!
Me: Is that what this is all about, huh? You “bullying me” for fun? You’re no different! You’re no different than him! You might as well join him!
Morrigan: “bullying you”? I didn’t mean ANY of it, Lucius!
Me: (slightly calming down) Y-…you…you didn’t? Bull fucking shit!
Morrigan: Fool! Do you not know who you will be dealing with? This manifestation of Yahweh will not be like his clone! He will be far faster. Far stronger. Far more intelligent. Far more manipulative. Far more cunning! Full of wits!
Morrigan: You’re a strong boy. You really are. I do admire your mother. I do favor the Infernal Realm. I do see the potential in you. But you have one fatal flaw that will cost you. You let your emotions take control over you! You let my petty little insults get to you, and it costed you the battle! Now put yourself into another perspective: You fight Yahweh, and he does the same thing that I have done tonight. Insulting you. Insulting your mother. Calling you weak. Saying these disgusting things about you, and you come at him…an intelligent and calculating being… with bouts of pure brute-force and rage. He will destroy you, just as I did tonight! He can manipulate you into going into a rage, so you will not be able to strategize! You will be read like a book!
Morrigan: Lucius…a warrior who is intelligent and strategic will always win against the warrior who runs on pure emotion and brute-force. It doesn’t matter how “weak” you are, if you are able to plan your moves and execute them with great intelligence and strategy, you will always beat even the strongest “brutes”. You are indeed powerful, as your mother raised you. But because you think with your emotions, your attacks come out sloppy. You are highly predictable. You can be easily read. Not only this, but you tire yourself easily! You don’t think straight! That is why I was able to beat you!
Me: Then what should I do!?
Morrigan: Think! Plan, Lucius! Stop letting your emotions get the best of you! Learn to control them! Harness them! Stop running on auto-pilot! Use strategy along with brute-force! You need to be on Yahweh’s level if you plan to beat him. Yahweh is a strategist. How do you think he has been in power for so long? He is not “strong”, boy. He is intelligent! He is a being of trickery and gimmicks! A master psychologist! At your current state, he would be able to manipulate you like a puppet!
I am not sure why, but at this moment, I began to tear up and cry. I guess I was too overcome with… emotions. She saw this, and threw me down to the ground furiously.
Morrigan: Do you think that crying will solve any of this? Look at you. This exact state that you’re in is why you lost this battle, and will lose many more. You want to know why you can’t astral project? Look no further. Letting fear take you over. Letting your feelings cloud your mind. You disappoint me, child. I expected better of you.
Me: Please, Morrigan. I can do better. I promise!
Morrigan: Make no promises to me, child. Show me. I want results. You will only win this battle through results. Words mean nothing to me.
Morrigan: Next Friday. The same time as today. I want you back here. We are going to fight again, and this time, I want you to do better. I want you to fight with strategy and wit. Do not give me another pathetically easy fight like this one. I want to see change, understand?
Me: Yes! Yes!
Morrigan: Now go.
Without the slightest goodbye, she left me there, in the soil. She walked back to her hut.
Even hours after the fight, I still felt the “wounds”. As if I had just got into a huge fist-fight, and was still recovering. I still slightly feel them today.
One could say that the Morrigan’s method of teaching is…extreme. And well, they would be correct. While it is extreme, looking back at it now, I could tell that she genuinely cared about my victory against Yahweh. And though I got my ass kicked, it was still a valuable lesson for me, and a form of introspection. Thus, I will strive to do better, and I will be meeting her once more next Friday for a “rematch”.
Thank you for reading.