Well its good to hear that you at least acknowledge you have a problem with your engagement in these blackpill philosophies. That’s really the first step. When i talk to blackpillers, they will often argue that the value of the blackpill is that it informs men that “its not your fault”…and that realization frees you from feeling bad over your situation. But when I look at blackpillers, it seems like the blackpill makes them more miserable, angry and depressed. When I find out that something is not my fault, that typically frees me of any guilt or negative feelings over the situation…and I’m able to move on. But “moving on” in this community is viewed as “coping.” Its a crabs in the bucket mentality. This is why I stress the need for you to unplug from this stuff, because it will wreck any hope you have of finding success with magick in this area.
Now as to the spirit to go with…I would prefer you picked one for yourself that resonated with you. All I’ll say is avoid ladilok. Not that Ladilok is bad…but given the place mentally that you are coming from, I really don’t think Ladilok is a good fit for you given her description and the experience other users have had with her. Sargatanas seems to be an entity a lot of folks on here have had success with. There is a master thread here where people have shared their experiences with Sargatanas that you may want to check out. I haven’t used him myself but its a good place to start. You may also want to look into doing some self healing rituals with a spirit like Glas’yos from EA’s book of Azazel. Its a spirit that specializes in healing folks of depression, anxiety and pretty much any psychological issue a person may have. It sounds like you could definitely use some of that.