Living the Magick (Journal)

[jaxo]

I have a lot of thoughts. This will be rambly.

Feels a little strange, because I’m a private person by default. However, there is a need in me to share and connect to people who understand this.
One of the reasons, if not the most important one, for joining this forum was to actually get off my ass and start practicing. And I have.

Like I’ve said in my intro, my main focus is deity work. I want to be able to communicate, which means developing senses is a must. Doubt has been a killer of my abilities since always. I’ve learned to keep the skepticism in check over the years, but it’s still there.

I’m good at visualising, always have been. But I’ve dismissed most of my clairvoyance as imagination or daydreaming, as I’ve done with all my other senses too which blocked me even further. Even before joining the forum, I’ve been on some kind of path of trying to trust my intuitive hunches, images I get, sounds I hear and I’ve gotten better at believing the impressions I get.

A short version of my workings since May:
I skipped out on doing exercises to strengthen the senses and went straight to evocation. Figured I’d like to try it out, get a feel for it, see what happens. I did it before, a few years back, according to my old journal. It was a period of time when I had some form of practice and I had managed to establish a connection with Lucifer.
Anyway, I go for the first real evocation in years and I’m evoking King Paimon because I have a request. The sigil starts flashing almost immediately. Suppose I’m entering trance at that point, but I get scared and the magic is gone. I state my request and end the evocation.

A few days later I evoke Lucifer and I hear his voice in my head. I hear exactly one sentence before I get too excited and it throws me out of trance. I attempt it a few more times, feel his presence but don’t hear him.

A while later I decide I would like to work with Belial. I feel we’ve had an eye on each other for a while, even though he kinda scares me and absolutely fascinates me at the same time. I realize he can help me with some of my current goals. So I call on him. I get a feeling he’s there but his sigil isn’t flashing. And it happens a few times in a row, until I’ve had enough and the sigil finally activates after I say ‘hey, let’s open this sigil tonight huh’. I tell him I’ll make another nice sigil for him, because I wanted to paint it in gold.
Working with Belial has been interesting so far. I have been making changes in my daily, mundane life since I’ve asked for his help. Some of these things came so easily to me that it almost baffles me so I would say he’s helping. Nothing scary, nothing dramatic. My life isn’t falling apart, but steadily improving. There are challenges of course, mostly with people and managing my time. I had to make some sacrifices to dedicate myself to my practice and overall things that I wanted to do. Cost me friends.
Today I finished my training and sat outside in the sun. A feeling of loneliness washed over me. As the day went on I realized I felt somehow more free.

[jaxo]

Is it when you start working with entities, that there is this influx of energy and it stirs up multiple things at once?

Maybe. Or maybe it just depends on the entity? Seems like I have an easier pace - working one thing at a time. Then I asked Belial for help and a few weeks later, stuff is just happening in a lot of areas.

As usual, just as I stated in my previous entry how nothing dramatic was happening, I had gotten a feeling like a rug has been pulled out from under me. And it lasted for a few days. I have realized it’s a perspective thing. Change I’m experiencing is real and causes the feeling of reality around me crumbling, but there is power in it.

Seeing very real consequences of your choices that reflect on both internal and external reality is very empowering and godlike.
It does not feel like an ego trip. More like a boost in confidence and serves like a concrete proof of just how much magick and the mundane are intertwined.

[jaxo]

Manifestation.

Sometimes I’m just way more aware of how reality shapes around me according to my wishes.

Two days ago I got into a stupid argument with my partner. My feelings were seriously hurt tho. I tend to express my anger loudly, like slam doors and furniture and/or I start cleaning (lmao). This time, I went for a walk to clear my head. It was late. Town was quiet and empty. I listened to some music, let it play randomly in an app.

Sat down after a while and thought about everything. I was truly sad because at that moment I had no one to talk to, to comfort me a little. Seems like that loneliness is a recent pattern. I figured that I closed myself off emotionally from people (again). The connections I have are shallow, and those friends I am closer to, live in other cities. Bummer. Of course, Belial comes to my mind. I know he’s around sometimes. I find comfort in that. I wish for someone to talk to and go home a little lighter.

Next morning I’m off to the gym. I train with a friend I met relatively recently. We didn’t hang around much until the gym thing happened, and don’t spend a lot of time together besides that. But we clicked and can communicate easily.
So, they see I’m off. They notice it right away and comment on it. After the training they ask me if I wanna talk about it. I hesitate and confress that I don’t like telling others about my problems because it makes me feel like a burden. And they say they understand but hit me with: “And how’s that working out for you?” So I share some general worries (I didn’t mention the argument. I try to keep relationship problems between me and my partner.) and express how I feel like reality around me is crumbling because of my recent choices and to my surprise they relate 100%. I find it funny. I realize my wish has been granted in less than 12 hours. But the catch was, I had to allow it and accept the help being offered. If I had dissmissed it I would continue feeling like shit. A genuine conversation helped. I’m thankful for it.

Today I went to the store and kinda didn’t think it through. Went with my bike and bought more than I could carry. As I’m fumbling with my bags and everything, a person (whom I know of course) shows up and offers to transport my groceries because they got there with their car and I got another chance to buy something in the store I forgot to buy (and wished I could go back and buy it). how nice of them. How nice of reality to shift according to my needs haha.

Had a good convo with my partner as well. Was able to honestly and openly communicate my feelings without getting emotional and they responded well to it.

On another note, I have been slacking a bit on evocations and general practice these days. Just read some tarot. Hope I’ll be able to dedicate myself more to it in the upcoming days.

[jaxo]

When it comes to divination, I’ve been doing tarot for a few years now and I still find it super interesting. I read for myself and sometimes for friends. I would like more opportunities to read for strangers as I feel that’s where the true practice comes. I’ve been thinking about starting a thread here on the forum and probably will soon to see how that’ll go.

I’ve been interested in learning to scan. I don’t remember ever doing it “officially”. A lot of my senses and abilities I’ve been using kinda…uh by feeling? intuitively? So I’ve probably scanned before just didn’t realize I was doing it. But I consciously did it when a friend asked for a reading recently. The cards I pulled were kinda weird so I was like “okay, let’s try scanning” and it was somewhat accurate. I was satisfied and it was a fun practice. I will practice it more.

Again, as days go I’m amazed at how fast things manifest. I’ve concluded that I need better control over my thoughts because if I fall into a negative pattern it gets bad fast. Grounding, banishing, warding. I know I know. Maybe I’ll try some mantras too.

[jaxo]

Life has been kinda funny the last few days. Or maybe my sense of humor has changed.

I’ve been watching a lot of Master Shi Heng Yi’s content and thinking about death and reincarnation. Figured out I have some fears regarding those and I’m slowly unpacking them.

Also, there is a little practice I do - “Like a Monk”. (i find it funny)
Seems to me like everyday responsibilities just keep building up and no matter how many tasks I solve, I cannot get on top of things. Feels like most of my life consists of just working, cleaning, taking care of someone/something, just annoying, boring everyday maintenance tasks. I told myself I wasn’t going to think about it anymore. Just do it. Just keep doing what I need to do. Like a monk. When I catch my thoughts spiraling into complaints or whining, I just repeat to myself “like a monk”. While I don’t think it’s particularly healthy because it borderlines on some form of avoidance and denial, it helps to prevent the unnecessary spiraling.

Working out helps. I see how it builds mental discipline. I’ve gotten stronger, I can tell. Despite everything life has been throwing at me, I’m dealing well. Like I said, it’s even kinda funny.

Did an angelic mantra for psychic powers before sleep but I fell asleep in the middle of it. Will try again. I’d like to chant the one for physical vitality before my next training to see if there are any changes.

[jaxo]

Haven’t posted in a while, because nothing special has happened and I’ve just been busy with the mundane. Also kind of relaxing and enjoying life. Teaching myself that not everything has to be a chore and I’m allowed to have fun.

For the last few days Belial has been on my mind. Nothing excessive, just the name pops in or I see his sigil or have a few thoughts about some evocations I’ve done. Mostly fleeting thoughts before I resume whatever I was doing or thinking beforehand.
But! He was in my dream last night. A visitation for sure and a nudge, because just occasional thoughts didn’t stir me enough I guess.
I feel it’s time to get into practice again. Some banishing and cleansing is due.

[jaxo]

Banishing is such a good practice. Effects are immediate and very obvious when I haven’t banished in a while.
I’ve also learned that by writing down something I’m obsessing over, am super emotional about - and I really mean just pouring everything out on that paper - and burning it, severs the emotional connection to it and I’m able to deal with it with a cool head.

I wonder if I can banish people from my life too?

I don’t think stress is the natural state of man. I don’t think happiness is either. But this reality hardly ever gives us a break.
It’s more along the lines of learning and recognizing the patterns in which we fall when dealing with “the bad” and pulling ourselves back to the neutral state in a way that maintains the actual neutral state, not just simulates it.

[jaxo]

I got the anniversary badge last week. Can’t believe it’s been a year already.
I don’t know how all of you perceive it, but time flies for me, like real fast.

Anyway.

I’ve noticed this pattern in my life where things tend to work out relatively easy for me, BUT it takes so long. It’s always delayed.
I’m a late bloomer I suppose and it kinda carries over to everything in life and I find myself sometimes grieving.
Didn’t even know there was so much grief connected to years I’ve “wasted”. The regret of not spending my time more wisely. Because now it’s better and I’m enjoying life. I’m young, but not as young and I can feel it in my body.

Been trying lucid dreams. Not much progress. I had this cool period where I could remember my dreams really well so I started writing them down, but lately they kind of disappear as soon as I open my eyes. Maybe a few images linger and end up being forgotten by the time I’m done getting ready for work.
Talked to a friend today. We don’t talk much about it, probably because we’re not really that close, but he is really into AP, OBEs, past lives and all that. So he tells me he can lucid dream at will and he used to see entities when he was a kid. Pretty cool.

So I wonder sometimes, for all these people I’ve met who have had these experiences (and we briefly spoke on the subject), if they practice. Or is it just one of those talent things where it comes naturally to them without effort. For at least one I’m sure they were not actively practicing anything.

Gotta admit, I do feel a little jealous. Suppose it’s because one part of me thinks all this spiritual work I’ve been doing will only be valid if or when I am able to go into AP or lucid dreams at will. Or master some kind of simiar “tangible” spiritual skill that will confirm not all of this is just in my head.

Seems like a me problem, yeah, I know. Like a block of some kind. An issue that needs to be addressed. A belief system in place that sabotages me.

[Mulberry]

Congrats of your anniversary! And on all your hard work! Yeah the dreamwork is hard, I got one good lucid dream and then nada for months after. I do believe I just have to keep at it though.

[jaxo]

Thanks!

It is hard yeah!!

I had only one that I can remember. Was trying for some time to have it, but no success. So that night I go to bed. Feeling tired, I say to myself ‘surprise me’ and just go to sleep. Next thing I know, something happens in my dream and I’m like ‘woah wait this is a dream’

Life is sometimes cheeky like that.

[jaxo]

I’ve been interested in shamanic journeying for some time now. However, I’ve been putting it off until I get some more tangible experience in magickal practice overall.

I’ve felt called to it for the last few days, so I attempted my first shamanic journey today. I followed Lady Eva’s tutorial on core shamanism posted here on the forum.

It was very interesting, to say the least and it went like this.

I put on some shamanic drumming and laid on my back in a comfortable pose.

I didn’t banish beforehand (a rookie mistake, right?) because of course something weird happens. Around five minutes into relaxing I start getting images of a forest setting in the middle of the night. There is a bonfire and a man is standing next to it. He is dressed in some kind of robes, with all sorts of patterns on it. One part of the robe attaches all the way to his finger on one hand. The other side is sleeveless. His arms are outstretched high above the fire. On his head, there is some kind of head wear, a headdress, but it looks more like a simple crown, made of what seems to be some kind of wood sticks of rectangular shapes and grass leaves of the same shape. It looked like lemongrass and it was green.

So I observe him for a moment and, of course, he notices me too looking directly into me. His stare was intense, eyes yellow and reptilian-like. At that moment I felt overwhelmed. I wouldn’t say something was off in a negative sense, but it felt like I had glimpsed at something I wasn’t quite ready for. It did make me feel uneasy and I noped out. This wasn’t even the point of the first journey. The tutorial specifically said not to get distracted and the first thing I do is get distracted

I recollect myself, turn on some different drumming and attempt again some minutes later. The image of the man lingers in my head. I try to ignore it and focus on getting to the World Tree and to the Lower World.
My world tree is a huge Weeping Willow, and I quickly find a hole in the roots to get to the Lower World. It is like a waterslide, but earth, so I slide down and it takes me a while to get to the bottom. Once I do, I find myself in a large dirt tunnel. There is nothing but bare dirt and some roots poking out of it. I could see well, like in dim light, but there is no visible light source anywhere. I call out to my power animal but I’m still bothered by the images of the previous encounter.
I hear the voice of my animal then and it guides me. It tells me to calm down, relax. That I’m safe and to focus. As I listen to it, I become more aware of the feeling of that earth surrounding me. I grab onto roots and feel their sturdiness. Peace overcomes me. The image of the man vanishes from my head. And I am more grounded in that tunnel. I cannot feel my physical body as much. Seems this was when I entered a trance state.

I saw three animals in that tunnel. My power animal, an eagle/hawk, appears on my forearm. A large bird of light ashen-brown color, with streaks of white through its feathers. There was also a small snake that wrapped around my lower leg, and a lilac and purple butterfly that flew out of the tunnel towards me.

Now, this is where I am a little confused. I really had no expectations on what the animal will be. First things I saw were flashes of talons walking on the ground, so I assumed my animal would be a chicken haha (and I didn’t mind). Seeing this huge eagle (even though its colors suggest a hawk, its size is more of an eagle and I had flashes of a bald eagle? even though this one didn’t have a white head) on my forearm surprised me a little. But what about the snake and the butterfly?

The eagle made the most impression, the other two animals sort of slipped out of focus and I asked the eagle to come back up with me and wait for me when I return the next time.
As my journey nears its end, I touch the bark of the World Tree and a symbol appears beneath my hand. With that I come back.
The symbol looked very rune-like to me (funny thing is, I’ve never really worked with runes and have almost no solid knowledge of them), so I googled runes afterwards and it looks almost exactly as the Jera rune, only the symbol that I’ve seen had a straight line in the middle. Like this:

And that is it for the first journey. Quite a trip. I wonder what the next one is going to be like.

[jaxo]

I’m usually all positive about demons helping and brining positive change in one’s life.

Today, I’m kinda angry.

Around 3 weeks ago I called on a few demons to help me with my studies and from then on, nothing special has happened. I even had the unluckiest thing happen to me on an exam where the professor was asking me all the questions I DIDN’T KNOW and she never held an oral exam with questions on practical part of the subject like???

So, today I’m angry because I’m over here, trying to study and I absolutely cannot focus.

And as I go here on my little rant about how I’m fucking pissed, because I don’t ask for much from entities and I don’t expect to be held by the hand as I go through life, I get a little intuitive pinch that I didn’t call on them properly. Or I don’t know, maybe it’s just insecurity and doubt at this point? I wouldn’t be so fucking surprised.

It’s not like I’m asking for fucking miracles to happen. Wow I’m just really pissed about this.

There is an urge to just throw the books, the notebooks, the computer and everything else from the top of my fucking building and just say fuck.this.shit. Like you know, I don’t even need my grades to be that good?? It’s just my stupid vanity and pride and trying to prove something to myself and others and whatnot.
(If I could punch this day in its throat, I would.)

So fine, I’ll try asking for what I want one more time. Just one.more.time.

If I squint hard enough, there is a lesson somewhere here, but I’m so tired of CONSTANT lessons. I just
w a n t
a success, or two or five???

fucking hell man

[jaxo]

I think it’s a little funny when I throw a tantrum and spirits pacify me like a toddler.

Message received loud and clear. I thought my questions and I got led to the answers. Belial, once again, being extremely helpful and patient with me. I don’t even know why. I hope he tells me one day.

I had a weird dream last night.
A huge sigil/seal appeared on the façade of the house where I used to live. My parents’ house. It was so elaborate and detailed, I cannot replicate it from the dream. And there was something about my parents discovering my practice and me denying it. And then as the dream went on, they disowned me because of my involvement with the occult, specifically with demons. But I saw myself walking around some kind of shore, a sandy beach with occult tattoos very visible on my body. Even though I felt sadness because of the situation with my parents, I finally felt free because I was able to express myself and be who I truly am.

Huh.

[jaxo]

Shadow work.

When you ask, the answer presents itself.
You only need to be aware and open to it.

And the answer is a hard pill to swallow.

[jaxo]

There are endless ways of perceiving things and if everything is experience, there is no right or wrong to it.

But awareness alone is not enough.

So I ask, what is that key component that gives final shape to our experience?

What is it that gives the illusion of choice even though we’re always going to chose something that aligns with the experience? And what is it that sparks the intrinsic knowing that all could be different, and then binds us within the confines of this limited reality?

That could be me seeing with your eyes. But I do not. And most likely never will.

As I am, I am not sure if I am meant to know.

How much vastness can I perceive before getting pulled back into my little routine?
How much can I strech the boundaries of my own knowing, my own perception, before everything truly crumbles or turns into something infinite for which I have to real concept of?

Who is the true operator?

[jaxo]

The Firsts

When I sat in the shallow waters of the sea with the early morning sun warming my back, I looked towards the horizon.
The endless blue of the sea met the endless blue of the sky.
And that feeling, knowing…the voice inside said ‘you’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright.’

Huh? But I am okay right now? So why?

And sometime later I found out why. And now I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Everything is going to be alright.
And it echoes through time and space.
You’re going to be okay.

I don’t remember ever having a message coming in this strongly and me actually figuring it out right away.
…

For the first time in my life, someone thanked me for my involvement with the occult.
‘Thank you. You’re the only one whom I can talk about this. I know you understand. Thank you for this. Sometimes I think I’m crazy.’
While he went on and on about seeing ghosts, poltergeist activity and taunting demons.

…

First time aware of the trauma and the moment that caused it. But no understanding of why. And fuck if it isn’t almost stupid. Ridiculous even.

You’re going to be okay.
…

Why does everyone aroud me seem to have a purpose? Or at least something they’re good at? And I’m just here…floating in nothing.
What’s good in knowing and using all this magic if I have nothing to aim it at?

Let me guess, everything is going to be okay, right?

[jaxo]

The state of the world right now pushes me into fear, insecurity, helplessness.

I don’t feel like a living god.

Which god only has access to their power occasionally?

But feelings, as they are, are decieving, of course.
Why is sometimes opening a sigil the most difficult thing, but doing a cord cutting for someone else as easy as taking breath?
Because of feelings.

[jaxo]

I’m not an alien person. I mean, I do believe they exist, all the greys, reptilians whatever. I don’t really concern myself with them.

So this morning, I’m on the verge of waking up. State more like trance than sleep. And this goofy ass grey pops into my vision like an early 2000s png jumpscare.

And me, my woozy self, kisses his forehead. AHAHSHA???

I’d disregard this very random encounter as a dream if my head didn’t start hurting just moments after as it continued staring into me. The pain eventually wakes me up.

Anyway. Yeah

[jaxo]

Walking home. There is this older man walking his dog in front of me. They are taking up a lot of space on the sidewalk.

My thoughts go along the lines of: Dang how am I gonna squeeze by?

As I think it, the dog stops to the side. Just standing and this pulls his owner to the side too so I walk right by.

The dog fucking heard my thoughts

[jaxo]

Another anniversary. Days kind of melt into each other lately. But that’s fine, as long as I persevere.

I am doing something important, actively since February. Hopefully by the end of this year I will have something of substance to share.

I’m glad to be here. Grateful to be able to learn from everybody on the forum

Strange times.