Okay so this is a difficult subject for me. First of all let me say that I am ambidextrous and use both hands equally. That’s been part of my physical training in both music and kung-fu since I was young. I’ve been an astral traveler from early childhood and have always known there was something else besides the physical reality that I’m currently incarnate in.
I grew up dabbling in the occult, playing with runestones, calculating my natal chart, and trying my best at working spells. Sometimes they were successful. I was prone to psychic visions and life-changing dreams. I also grew up pretty hood and got into some major shit as a teen. Finally, I left that lifestyle and went to pentecostal church for seven years. I learned the tricks of their trade, speaking in tongues of angels, reading people, telling them their future, laying on of hands and healing them. But I hated the stupid restrictions, ya know, not being able to smoke a joint, or have a three way, or go grab a beer and bullshit with my buddies. I also found the ministers to be morons, most of the people were mindless sheep void of any spiritual power. So I wound up hating those fuck-tards.
When I went to college I felt more agnostic than anything, I like science, logic, philosophy, and history and read a lot. I’ve read a lot of Taoist and Buddhist texts as well as occult books. And through the inner workings of Kung-fu I learned about chi cultivation and how to meditate. I even found enlightenment. The realization that I am an eternal being, incarnate in a physical vessel.
So now what? I had full spirits manifest themselves to me the first time two years ago. I didn’t invite them or perform a ritual they just started showing up in my room, and basically telling me you need to figure this shit out, that’s why we’re here! And mocking me for being agnostic, since I knew damn well it was a lie. So I started reading, and astral travelling a lot. Which led me to EA and his books! I’ve been reading Evoking Eternity and Baneful Magick as well as Summoning Spirits. I’ve figured out Candle Magick, and Sigil magick in the last couple of months with damn good success! This week I pulled off my first successful evocation.
Now I’m here struggling to decide what path I’m on. Buddha has always been friendly to me when I call upon him. And the Goddess has been more than a sweetheart to me when I call her name and ask for her help. When I call the Archangels and Angels they always respond and treat me like a brother. My friends and family that astral travel with me have told me I keep showing up as an angel or as pure light when they call on me. I even had a vision of astral self with wings and golden battle armor. I think intrinsically I’m good, wishing the best for the planet, nature, and hoping for the evolution of the human species. I hate war, crime, ignorance, racism, sexism and nationalism. I also hate religion. I feel at home in nature, the animals gather around me, children always talk to me, and the elderly find comfort in my presence.
But at the same time I am a selfish, arrogant asshole. Some people bother me just by their very existence and I would gladly behead them if prison weren’t the place I would wind up. I can’t find a reason to worship or follow any other being then myself, I like to learn from them, and I give respect, but worship? No. Also I see black magick as a means to an end, destroy my enemies, manifest large sums of money, summon a new sex partner, influence the music community and gain favor in business. I have yet to summon a demon though. Blood does not appeal to me in any sense, neither does speaking to something that hates me. So in a way I’m stuck between two paths. Help, please.