If Zawba’ah meant with “present throughout the entire night” that I won’t fall asleep despite being doped out of my mind with fever medicine and painkillers…well, he delivered. I was wide awake. Not necessarily exhausted (although I was awake since 5 in the morning, prior to this), but a little annoyed. Because I seriously would have appreciated dream contact (=at least a bit of rest), but having to witness for hours how a steadily rising fever leaves through each and every pore of my skin must suffice I guess. Its a really wild guess but since Zawba’ah means “whirlwind” I suspect that he might have utilized the qualities of wind to cool down my fever (I was using wind as a “plague remover” together with Buer successfully on somebody else, the other day).
Feeling a bit more physically stable than yesterday I called on him again, in case that I am ready for the unlocking now.
I couldn’t see him this time; I had a constant background noise of rain inside of my ears (its sunny outside, not a single cloud) and over time I could even feel small rain drops dampening my hair and clothes. I could feel Zawba’ah guiding me to “swallow the rain” and thats what I did. I drank from the rain as it soaked me completely, leaving me as a cold and shivering and suddenly very tired Pariah. A newly erupting fever wave was cooled down immediately and my bronchi were finally able to cough out all of that gross stuff that blocked them painfully. A very confusing and also a bit of a nasty unlocking but damn, I can finally breathe
(plus points for noticing that the spoken word of “Zawba’ah” sounds slightly like the german word “Zauber” )
My journal might be the wrong place to discuss this but I did notice that you seem to be very random when it comes to calling on spirits, dipping your toes into many lakes at once instead of cultivating a more trusted approach with one path before jumping straight to another one?
It can happen. Sometimes they don’t. Most of the times they do hear you but if your clairs aren’t developed or blocked for whatever reason you won’t be able to play messenger ping pong and you will miss signs that are - in hindsight- quite telling of the presence of a spirit. You are throwing yourself into this unsatisfactory downward spiral if you assume that nothing came just because you couldn’t perceive its presence.
My suggestion for your situation (because you remind me of a former member of this forum) : cultivate workings and rituals based on your own energy first before you continue with calling on spirits. It helps to gain confidence into your own abilities and it helps to establish a steady and tangible routine that will be beneficial for your clairs in the long run.
Apparently my next unlocking partner would be Qadim. I’ve mused about this in my other journal already, as the translation for this name would be old/ancient. The last couple of days I had involuntary yet necessary dealings with rather saturnian influences on a larger very personal project. I would take the next unlocking as a confirmation, that -indeed- time is for once on my side.
I do hope that this is not any kind of frontload or unwarranted expectation.
Today I reached out to Qadim (قديم) , more out of some kind of urgency and rather spontaneous. Before I went into a trance like state I could hear the repitition of the word “mada(a)r” ( مدار ) and was already wondering about that one.
After hitting the right state of trance I found myself floating lazily on an air bed in the middle of a dimly lit indoor pool. As nice as this visualization was: I had to look for Qadim. I wouldn’t find that one at a pool, out of all places. Or so I thought until a young woman with short brown hair and a red swimsuit entered the room. She looked at me with dark brown and round eyes and I decided that I probably should not assume what the “right spot” for a Jinn is and what isn’t.
Qadim walked towards the ladder of the pool and slowly climbed into the water; I stayed on my mattress because I wasn’t sure if entering the water would break the trance. Qadim kept her distance towards me and I rambled away. About the unlocking. But also about a different kind of help that I am currently in need of. Time. I need time.
She made her way towards me, swimming effortlessly through the water. She smiled. “I swim and yet I am not drowning or dissolving”. Apparently. “You are set alight. And yet you are not scorched” . I wondered if she was referring to something that I am actively holding up since the end of February. She was right, in this case.
She came closer and told me: “Be the source of your own destruction. And after that: come back.” With that she dived under my mattress and pushed me off. I fell into the pool, sinking deep with no way up. The water filled my nostrils up to my head; I felt as if the water was bursting out of my skull as a violet light. (I did Sahasrara meditations, yesterday. With a very similar sensation). The visualization ended.
Time. Madar. Cycles. “Source of your own destruction”, getting right into the danger zone. Ah, shit. Here we go.
That depends I am dealing with a scanned german translation by Gustav Flügel from 1872 since I am not too knowledgeable about the arabic language (a friend of mine provided me with his university library card in this case).
If you need an arabic exemplary you could try websites like ArabicBookshop. I think if you google “The Fihrist of al-Nadim” you will find websites that could provide you with digital copies in arabic and english (like universities). The english translator of this book would probably be Bayard Dodge; I am not aware about other translations.
Today, Thu’ban (ثعبان = “Snake” and I butchered the written version in my notebook oh so badly) was next.
I know this one, already. I had no idea until recently but we have been introduced to each other in 2018, at the very beginning of my path. It feels like it was already ages ago, what the fuck is this timeline. Back then I referred to him as “blue waterdragon” because I was probably too lazy to find a better wording.
I have used the same oil on the candle for Thu’ban that I’ve already used with Zawba’ah. This oil creates a very peculiar link to a third party that I will not mention in this log because I’d like to wait for the big conclusion until I am finished with this.
The visualization pulls me into a city that I can’t exactly match to any place known to me. It must be in the middle of the night, there is nothing and no one around except for one or two cars passing me by. All shops have already closed and its raining; I have no umbrella AND I have no shoes. Blimey. Hopefully this pavement is as clean as this city looks like.
I can’t find any trace of Thu’ban (except for the very wet environment, almost like the last time we’ve met) so I start my spoken introduction while tottering in very small steps with naked feet and no umbrella through the heavy rain. The rainfall makes it hard to recognize the language of the neon signs but I am damn sure that I am spotting a Starbucks.
I am so immersed with this place that I almost don’t realize the little squeezes that are forming around my upper torso, my right arm and my neck. The squeezes solidify into the shape of a small blue…snake-axolotl thing? Thu’ban apparently decided to shrink itself, unlike the last time. He wraps itself around my body and his head is peeking over my left shoulder. He doesn’t say anything so I start the convo with something that makes me really curious about our former encounter. He remains silent so I come back to our business.
I ask him to unlock his aspects inside of me; the squeeze of his snake-like body gets a little tighter and he asks me to go “south west” to find what I am looking for. I am asking him for more signs. “Sirens.” Ohhhh.
I am asking him if he is still guarding a certain treasure. “I am guarding more than you can ever imagine”. I ask him to try my imagination, I will come up with a vague idea.
“Do you remember the triangle? Try to understand this first before you ask any more questions”. With these words Thu’ban slides up my neck and wraps his body around my head, like a very odd snake-axolotl crown. I wake up from this session, slightly freezing. I need warm socks.
Unlocking aftermath: a very vivid dream about a recurring topic in my sleeping state. I am prone to cannibalistic streaks in my dreams; if I am faced with an opponent that can’t be finished by usual means I would simply eat them. Usurp them. Inside of my dreams I have found myself many times faced with the decision to devour an enemy, it never made me proud. Such dreams are usually followed by a sense of shame and disgust about myself. Not this time.
This time it was about accepting this part of me, not hiding it away, not flinching from it, not feeling ashamed.
I will try to approach the situation differently, if I should encounter this pattern in my dream again.
I think I know, now. I died in my dream, last night. Again. And I outlived it, catching a glimpse of what could lie in wait for me when I have laid down my life at the end of everything. I am currently processing these things but if they are true to only an extent compared to what I saw: everything was worth it, nothing was in vain.
Thu’ban is still present in the background.
After pondering this, yesterday:
…there was a vivid dream about giving birth to five snake-like sea creatures. Thankfully not in a traditional way but through the blood in my arms veins. From myself, through myself. I’ve witnessed one of them lashing out against someone and bringing me their eye.
There was the very odd sensation of motherhood connected to each of them, as if they were my literal children. (I think its time to get a dog or something)
I would lie if I’d say that I understand the symbolism connected to the former symbolism. I will handle this like any other download, with a big chunk of hope that every part will click into place after I am done with the unlockings.
I like to use DeepL for cross checking or to play with certain words and sentences A lot is still “lost in translation” because I am not used to figure of speech outside of my native tongue or english (and way outside of my own cultural context).
It is but its also a nice little project of absolute self-indulgence. No pressure, no immediate need for an outcome. Just me and something completely out of my league or field of experience. I love it.
@CyberLord I’ll have to ask @Mulberry or @DarkestKnight to look at the copyright situation for this forum. Mr. Dodge died in 1972, so according to US law the copyright should end in 2042. Thats why I haven’t shared anything
Mulberry or Darkestknight, feel free to take the link above this comment down if its not on par with the US copyright laws.