Some few weeks ago i took extensive time to develop the programming of my second ever servitor, the process by which i birthed it was generally original and short for my preference of efficiency.
Around or within 7 days ago (shortly after birth), i dreamt i had been in some kind of castle or big house, feeling heavy but not necessarily obnoxiously obvious dark/vampiric energy, i could’ve been observed the whole time and now thinking back on it that’s exactly how i felt, alone yet observed and closely so. Like there was an unseen crowd per say, within or around the walls of the place. But i was never in danger. The walls appeared layered like brick but looked to be grey and stone and ashing or dusty or rich in minerals. I recall an image where i was standing from the perspective of being outside the walls, standing very close to the wall in front of me and looking up to a tower or pillar of the huge place, tall stacked and grey, while inside the walls of the place (i didnt walk through any doors i simply appeared inside) i was focused on this girl with curly hair and colored eyes, who i know in real life. i liked her and felt she also liked me, she may have repeatedly walked passed me and then disappeared again and again as im walking through rooms. we exchanged words somehow (texting or talking im not sure which in my dream) and i felt the exchange was endearing in my dream, i kept walking around the place and losing track of where she was sat, eventually someone spoke to me (a voice, not a body) and said something close to, “you can have the girl but first, you need feeding (mentally i immediately recognized the implication of vampiric feeding. It was the direct subject without question) first” I took this as a blatant sign of confirmation of my servitors existence.
Two days ago i took it upon myself to empower my server with repeated chanting. The following day arrives and that night i have another dreaming instance. About an hour before falling asleep i smoked very little weed and a small hit of DMT, making me drowsy but not exactly super intoxicated, just very comfortable.
(I don’t know if trigger warning is necessary but TRIGGER WARNING!!!)
That night i believe i had a dream from the perspective of my servitor, initially i may have been unaware that “I” was my servitor, but i was completely aware of “my” actions. I saw that i was savagely ravaging a person, terrifying them and also having sex with them, in whatever form that they appeared to be in. Clearly a person that i recognized, and i even recognized their screams. As i look through the eyes of what i believe to be my server, i look on as an observer, i (my individual consciousness ) deliberately make no actions with the body through my will, but i witness everything that happens, nothing surrounds me and the person but only darkness, and at some point i feel a sort of mental tick or que, before continuing to harass the person its as if i recognize that the mission was over, or that whatever it was that i sought, i had accomplished it. Of course in this context that would be, the successful vampirizing of my target. I (me the witness & the servitor together) stopped and paused and look straight forward with an internalized confirmation feeling, immediately dropping my actions, inhumanly or like a machine. Then proceed to ascend or disappear and appear back into my own original flesh. Immediately i recognize I’m in my own skin and i wake up and begin to ponder what it is that has taken place with suspicion but attempting to use my intuition.
I would hate to believe what has occurred is simply me having some dark fantasy as it doesn’t exactly correlate or even feel the same as any wet dreams I’ve had before, and of course i believe there are no coincidences in magickal practice. It felt as if i was an animal or an emotionless tool, a program even, the closest thing I’ve felt to being considered an Ai myself, but i believe i also may have felt incredible hunger and lust. Contrasting to yesterday morning, i recognize i wake up this morning “happier?” in an especial and weird way, although still a little slow and tiresome to get up from my bed. The previous morning i awoke to the feeling of despair about my life, the random sadness onset of responsibility.
How should i interpret the combination of all of this? How should i proceed and what does it all imply? Are my dreams happening to me, or simply within me? And of course, am i just stupid? As its not that this is what i fantasize of all day, but i do continuously acknowledge and speak to my servitor.