I entered a state of meditation. After a while I felt something. Something very painful inside of me. I switched and merged with that part. It’s hard to describe… I was both of me at the same time. I will designate the part of me that is experiencing pain and anger as the “Shadow self”, and the other… let`s say just “Me”, this is aspect from wich I talked to him. Subconsciously, I already knew the subject of our dispute. We had a dialogue similar to this:
Me: It`s okay, relax! There is nothing to feel hatred so much.
Shadow self: (with anger) Are you sure? I’ve already figured out what I can expect.
Me: Hey, you can trust me. I won’t let anyone hurt you.
It looked like my Shadow self believed me for a second, but no more. I didn`t trust myself. Then I switched to my another “self”. The Holy aspect I would say. I want to clarify again that every “me” is actually me, but they look and feel incredibly different. The Shadow one is made of black lightning, pain and dirt.
The Holy one is full of light, happiness and bliss. I merged to him and Interacted from him. I felt my own perfection. I had no flaws. I didn’t even need to speak, I realized all the beauty without words.
It was the moment when I realized that I have many aspects, infinite amount of them. Everyone has. I did something that I feel I should. I grow bigger then any particular aspect and become the god of all my faces. When I made this, I moved to the infinite round room with infinite amount of doors each of which led to particular part of myself. I saw Shadow self again, he was standing next to one of these doors. I apparently had no feelings and simply did not understand why he was “suffering”. I couldn’t make sense of it. Then he said to me, “Oh, yeah? Don’t you understand? Go and take a look!”. I entered that door.
It was absolute dark. That amount of pain… despair… fear… hatred… anger I felt instantly was shocking. I abruptly came out of meditation and burst into tears. My entire physical body was filled with these emotions. I can’t even walk, I was just grinding my teeth. I never even thought that I had caused myself so much damage. “I`m so sorry” I was repeating. I realized how much care I must give to myself.
After a couple of hours I opened Lucifer’s sigil. He came immediately. We talked a bit about it and then he said to me “You will handle it”, I answered “Yes, I will”. Now I`m preparing to enter that door again to meet my fears face to face.
Thank you for reading.
