So, as some of the regulars here might remember, I recently experienced a traumatic separation from someone I loved very deeply. This caused me to enter somewhat of a tailspin, searching for answers, committing “dark” acts of magick to no avail, and even attempting to end my own life.
Throughout this experience, I have had the pleasure of recounting the many instances in my life in which the unleashing of raw emotional energy and directed will have brought changes I never could’ve foreseen (or, perhaps, I had, in a way). This directed me towards magickal study on various forums, in a multitude of books, and even conversations and shared ritual with an acolyte of Lilith whom suddenly entered my life.
That said, despite all I have learned, I am struggling to produce the results that matter most to me. A side effect seemingly of having been devalued and emasculated by said trauma. I suffered a complete mental breakdown, and quite frankly the darkness of my magickal attempts (despite having yet to see results) pushed me back to the Pentecostal belief system I grew up in for safety and self-assurance. Even throwing out all of my tools and sigils as an act of faith. However, I wish to again reclaim my power, and achieve the results I most desire.
Please don’t bore me with vague taglines, such as those about “not lusting for results” as I’ve truly been working on this. I do not think of myself as a novice, however I also know there is much for me to learn. I have practiced candle magick for a few years, and I believe I at least understand the basics of what is necessary to complete these rituals. But my belief has been shaken. My confidence broken. My curses seemingly fruitless. And my bounty seemingly withheld. So I find myself in need of an adept, or master who has experienced these pains to help guide my way back to greatness.
I am looking for both spiritual guidance, and for practical (efficacious) magick to perform. If anyone would choose to advise me, or assist me, it would be greatly appreciated. But please, know that I’m not in a great place lately, and I’m hesitant to even call upon spirits for aid again after the damage that was done to my mental state the last time.
Thank you, I pray you each find what you are looking for as well.