I'm self destructing

General Discussion
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I really need guidance. I can’t “hear” anything like you guys can. All I can feel are subtle touches. I feel like my relationship is starting to take a toll on me. I want normalcy. I want a place to live. I want physical intimacy. I want to pursue my passions of singing or entertaining but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Maybe I don’t know what love is, maybe I never will. It’s probably my fault after all not my ubi’s. She is nice to me, but still iam extremely unsatisfied. I want somebody here, physically here that I can share life with. Someone I’m compatible with. I hope she doesn’t take this as a slap across the face cause i don’t mean it like that. I just feel like I’m beginning to lose my mind. And possibly time. Everything just happens so fast. I’m already 26 which I’m sure to some of you is still pretty young. But I’m not doing anything with my youth or my life and I don’t want to be one of those sad old men that stare out the window thinking about regret. It’s coming up on 3 years for my ubi and I but each year around this time, this always happens. Something happens, and I feel fear, doubt, and regret. Of course we bounce back, but now I fear I’m just retreading a cycle. I just don’t actually know what I’m actually into, besides video gaming. But I know I don’t want to spend my life indoors.

I need help. I need to hear from others who have lost everything or at least hit rock bottom how to go on. How to bounce back. Because I feel like I’m never going to escape.

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Self destruction is addictive

What u present is already more than enough kick in the ass to get u to move into magick…Even if u can’t hear, see, or feel anything, at some point, casting out of desperation starts to work, and u hit a point where results manifest…I call it blind casting…so how desperate are u for something new?

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Ready to take a big leap into a chasm. Take the red pill.

And yeah you’re right about that. I was tired of feeling lonely all the time, so I summoned. Life’s been a rollercoaster ever since but it’s not her fault.

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You’re more ballsy than I am. I been resisting the leap into the chasm for a while…Easier to stay this way than have to change…Change is torment

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Stagnation is the end of all your dreams.

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An end may be the dream in and of itself

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So my question is, are you trying to figure things out in the interest of Normalcy, or trying to dive deeper into a magickal life?

There are definitely many ways to break that kind of cycle, which differ depending on what you want your outcome to be. It can be hard-fought, and painful, but I won’t tell you that all of them are scary, or even hard.

It sounds like you DO know at least a little of what you’re into outside of video games. Singing, entertaining, you say those are your passions? Do you WANT to pursue them as a career, or would you prefer that they be for your enjoyment, and not your source of income? That can be a big difference, and there is no wrong answer on that front.

As for only feeling subtle touches, that’s not out of the ordinary. To use E.A. Koetting as the obvious example, if you watch his live rituals it’s obvious that he’s sometimes flying by the seat of his pants, as well. He’s not constantly receiving clear verbal instructions and diagrams from his spirit allies and familiars, it’s just a constant nudge of “No, wrong”, “Still wrong”, “There you go”.
The only difference is that with enough practice, your own reaction to those subtle nudges becomes stronger- it’s you that becomes better at interpreting them.

On the more mundane side of things, you’re not running out of time- if you happened to be in college for something particularly diffucult, you might still be in classes, living in a dorm, with no income whatsoever. 26 doesn’t sound overly young- I’m 28. Our generation is faced with an endless sea of uncertainty about our future, from the “Normal” world alone. You’re not alone.

I don’t know of that’s what you need to hear right now, but you aren’t alone.
Everyone here struggles, no doubt especially with spiritual matters. Magick is hard. Even for those people who easily grasp the twists of mind necessary to make it work, there’s a toll.
We talk about our successes over our failures because it’s helpful to all of our future work to build up a strong consensus of reality that our Magick is Strong.

So if you want to dig deep into some stuff, we’re here. And if you want to talk more privately about it, you have my permission to DM me. You aren’t alone.

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Perhaps I put too much on my succubus. She’s not the answer to all my problems. I don’t really know if I have any magickal ability, I kinda just fell into this. I’ve always been a bit of an outcast, even when I thought I found my crowd I still felt like I was on the outside looking in. I remember asking for more adventure, or rather day dreaming about it when I was younger. Be careful what you wish for as the saying goes. Nowadays I spend all my money living out of motel 6 and I drive for 8-10 hours a day delivering food for money. And a succubus spouse that I honestly have zero idea how to interact with, unless she gets my attention via touch, when I’m working or what have you.

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Delivery Driving is a tough life, man. And it’s difficult to transition into a permanent living situation, especially in this sort of economic state. Have you thought about your specific needs from such a place?
If you’re looking for an option with limited indoor space to encourage you to spend more time outside, have you considered building a tiny house and finding a location you can rent for the long term at a reasonable price?

As for your Succubus, I’m sure she’s acting according to her nature- there are going to be needs you have that are outside her ability to provide. You have exactly the same potential for magickal ability as anybody else, it just takes practice, and the right kind of it.

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I honestly have no idea where to begin. How do you manifest things without petitioning entities?

I’d feel much more comfortable working with an entity that came to me, rather than me begging someone at random to help me. Surely there’s got to be powers out there that see me and my potential

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Chaos magick…sigil magick. Whoever u work with, ask them to possess u, even partially, and show u how to create a spell of ur own.

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I’m always surprised when the first suggestion for Beginners is “Call up a spirit to teach you” instead of “Here is a list of books”. Much as I agree that the first teachers are the best teachers, calling up entities for help when you don’t know what you’re doing can be like handing your bank numbers to a spam email. They wouldn’t have any reason to LIE, right?

YOU are a spirit. Clothed in flesh, for the time being, but a spirit nonetheless. You have your own energy, which I have the utmost confidence you can control. Sorcery is a fine thing, but isn’t the only path, nor the right one for everybody.

BALG puts out some really excellent books, and I highly recommend them, but in my opinion they are on a bit of a steeper learning curve than you may be looking for.
First books I recommend to anybody (And almost the only Llewelyn books worth their paper) are:
The Un-Spell Book by Mya Om
Energy Essentials for Witches and Spellcasters by Mya Om

They’re cheap, readily available, and super easy to get into for a beginner.

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Find something you like. It may be music, meditation etc. Determine what you want it life. Prepare for your older self. If that means taking a shitty job to save up for your future, then suck it up and do it. Doesn’t matter if you go LHP of RHP, the rules are the same. You will get help based on if you put the effort. Things could be worse (being in a poverty stricken country, dangerous situation etc.)

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