So, I have to say I’m not enjoying my new location. I’m currently fully vaccinated, so after 2 weeks I can go into the city. Where as there are things I can do, part of me isn’t interested. By nature, I’m very social and conversive. Even to the point of striking up conversations with whom ever I can in the right environment. However, I suppose right now, past experiences have beat me up to the point I’m hesitant to go out.
It’s like I just can’t meet anyone. Covid aside, I feel like I can’t relate to anyone here. And when I click with someone, it never lasts. When I go to the bars, I end up sitting alone, typing away on my laptop. However, I’m still looking around seeing people at their little group tables, wishing I could join them. However, that’s not social etiquette. Even so, I doubt we have anything in common.
All I can really do is hope that I can go back to school in the fall, or get hired at my ideal place of work. I’m dying for social interaction, especially with a younger crowd which I don’t always see. Not only will I have a bigger outlet for social interaction, but I’ll have access to a free gym and free counselor. But that’s still a ways a way.
I’ve been thinking about what I said when I was high and what I meant. I don’t know what’s home. I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know what’s me. I think I figured it out. Home is where you feel safest and most secure. Not just physically, but emotionally. I can’t say I’m there. As a kid, I hated going out to events because I never knew what to do with myself and just wanted to stay home. As an adult, I want to be out of the house as much as possible. I feel like my house is a prison, and I’m either made to return to it or be kept in it. Inside, I feel depressed and drowning. Outside, I feel anxious and under attack. Over all, I feel loneliness and spite. So, I don’t feel safe or secure either way.
Normal is supposed to be a state of familiarity used to create feelings of calmness. However, my state of familiarity is one of loneliness and spite. It is the feeling of isolation and segregation, causing me to feel different from others like I’m from some other world. And frankly, I do. I’m so cooped up at home that I feel like I’m stepping into another world every time I go out. Plus, I’m always counting the differences between me and anyone else, thinking that because of those differences, I for some reason should stay away from them.
And most of all, the issue with identity. I’m technically an adult, but that’s not what I see in the mirror. What I see is a child, no older than 13. He’s dealing with feelings he doesn’t understand. He’s insecure about his body. He doesn’t know too many people and thinks he doesn’t fit in. He’s scared, anxious, vulnerable, and above all frustrated. And yet he’s curious about the world despite how little it makes sense. But that curiosity hides behind cynicism. He doesn’t recognize himself and desperately wants to go back to a state of normal that he can’t really describe.