Music nerd mode off, now for something more serious:
You’re a work in progress. You’ve named the thread title “I want to live” and I think that this is really really really important. You are not done yet, you want to live and you need to figure out a way how to break out of a cycle that got you trapped for now (I repeat: for now).
Well, if your current family doesn’t do you any good…why would it be important to be near them? Just asking because I know that its sometimes not as easy to “just leave”, yet its necessary (I am in “no contact” with my own family and it was a hard yet necessary decision, so I feel you if you still have the feeling of “I can’t leave my family behind”).
Its probably not easy to approach other people in your current situation, especially if you don’t want to be open about your living situation. Are you on good terms with your coworkers or is it strictly professional and you don’t get to talk very often?
You’re allowed to be afraid, there’s no reason that should stop you.
At some point the high cost of living and the heat are going to kill you. You have to make some decision of hat won’t change and you’re done.
Sometimes you have to follow your head. Pick a route through where you can always walk to help if needed. Make sure you know where al the garages are in the target area. If you can’t get out of CA in one go, just get to the next town 20 miles away and go from there.
But I find the BEST antidote to fear is understanding. Don’t make the decision first, first look up the jobs you could go for and see if you can let them tempt you to that town.
So community housing or transitional housing wouldn’t probably be a good option as long as the risk of “flipping out” is still on the table? Just trying to figure out which steps would be most beneficial first for you in terms of recommending magical support
Edit: check out this thread, read the instructions carefully and drop a request if you’re in the clear about what you truly need to proceed with your path:
I deal with anger issues too. Over the last two years I’ve gotten a pretty solid hold on it. I would tell people that I felt like I had 2 people live inside my body. The normal happy go lucky me and then angry me. I always discribed it like my body was a taxi cab. I would be up front driving around my angry side in the back seat. Typically he would just talk shit from the back seat and tell me not to take peoples shit and so on. For the most part I could just close that little divider when I has enough so I didn’t have to hear it…. But when I got angry I would find myself in the back seat. He’s now driving. He drives like a 95 year old alcoholic, ruins everything in his path. I would be in the back seat pleading for him to stop but all I can do is watch the chaos that follows. Eventually I go back to being in control and now I’m in crisis mode fixing everything I’ve done.
Now this has all been a metaphor for how I feel when my rages takes over. But yea that how it was for me.
What I did to help with this was first accept that side of me I hated so much. I had to accept the things that angered me. I then had to dig down deeper to find out what was really bothering me. Anger is a secondary emotion not a primary. So you sit down with yourself and you dig and dig and dig. You learn about yourself and find that root cause. Then you work to fix that. I know this probably sounds like bs. It don’t always be like it is. But some times it do lol.
It doesn’t have to stay like this. You have the opportunity to learn from this shit. To identify the trigger points and to avoid them while you’re with another person (I made good experiences with simply telling people that I need a moment for myself or that I can’t carry on with certain discussions now in order to defuse an argument in the making. I am interrupting a destructive pattern this way because I have serious asshole tendencies myself when I am in a certain mood).
You are to a certain degree in control over how you’re treating other folks. Easier said than done but no matter how accepting people might be towards your anger issues (and their roots) because they really care for you - they don’t have to accept the way they get treated if it gets out of hand.
And I think that this was the right thing because it showed that you didn’t want an argument with this person. And that you are in control of yourself if you’re considering to leave something alone instead of flipping out. Maybe they will come to their senses and pick up a conversation again, you don’t throw 10+ years away just like that
I doubt it, this person is very prideful of being able to cut people off like nothing and deep down, that irritated me. I usually stop talking but for some reason couldn’t hold it back. Like even my spirit might have been annoyed. Idk
Sooo, I think that one of your next steps should include to allow yourself to unconditionally love yourself. If you search for “self-love” on here you will stumble over an abundance of either rituals or deities/spirits that could assist with this task (you don’t need any tools to call on a spirit and ask for their assistance. You work with what you have and often enough your own mind is as good as a fully decorated altar and fancy offerings.).
It sounds fucking cheesy but you are your own best friend, first and foremost. You deserve a decent treatment, respect and positive affirmations. You deserve kind words. When we aren’t surrounded by caring or loving people (which happens at certain times in our life, sadly) we are the only ones who can provide such things for ourselves.
The only deity I have a known confirmed relationship with is Lilith (manifestations of a positive nature) so I’ve been hesitant about trying a bunch of different entities. Is this a field she can help with? I have tried (not hard enough, I’ll admit) with self-love and I found the experience to be physically painful. I’ve been told this just means there’s a lot of work to do.
I just find it hard to believe entities could actually care about our happiness.
I am REALLY sticking my neck out with this one because I haven’t worked with Lilith myself but from what I have witnessed from other forum members she is often described to have inspired self-love for them.
I have some superstitious fears deeply embedded into my mind regarding all of this.
I never bought into Christianity, or even monotheism. I just had extreme atheist mother, and zombie christian father.
I helped him come out of the closet back then (mom said she’d leave him if he ever “got God”)
and since then obviously my views and interests have shifted, dramatically.
I don’t have much of a relationship with him anymore. It’s always about God this God that.
Can’t come to him about shit, he’ll just tell me to pray or that (it’s that demon’s fault)
When no, she cares very much about me and has tolerated my worst. More than my own flesh apparently.
I must confess that I don’t have a religious background, family wise. A lot of other forum members could probably provide better insights about similar situations and the trauma connected to it for them. I am not competent enough to provide any kind of advice here, I’m sorry.
It is possible, in my own experience regarding spirits I am working closely with. If it wasn’t for them I would have tolerated the ongoing abuse from my “own flesh” for much longer.
If you feel that Lilith could be a trusted companion for your exercises in self-love: ask her.
