I need help, I'm stuck and exhausted and at the end of my rope so to speak

General Discussion
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This is going to be long but it’s sincere and urgent, depression, embarrassing and soul sucking for me to even have to do this. Bare with my rambling as I’m not in a good place right now.

I now understand how abused women get stuck in bad situations. But I’m a man and been trapped by my own parent into a living hell (or at least that’s what to feels like to me.) The difference is for men there is support, place to go or help at least not for me and I have tired all avenues. I guess this is why 80% of suicides are men, I have been thinking about it a lot.

Let me give you the back story so you can understand my situation.

I was raised by Narcissistic Sociopath single mother. Who hovered over me like a hawk, worried about me and me being empathetic was not a good match. She was a fairly good mother got me started in Metaphysics and then she went Born Again and tried to drag me though that crap. My father I never met and never paid child support I moved 21 times by my 21st birthday. I was kept distanced from my cousins family. My mother admitted to me she had me because she didn’t want to be alone.

As an adult my mother never let up and brainwashed me into believing we were a team and the world was hard out there and I’d be lonely. (Basically misery loves company and my mother is a Problem/Struggle/Crisis factory) I woke up and realized it was all lies and bullshit and that I could be out on my own like everyone else.

I started using manifestation techniques and my life turned around. I went from being car less and living in a hotel room with my mother to having my own business and making over $100K a year and a brand new car.

There were ups and down, and things would keep happening to force her into my life or have to stay with her. Every time that happened my life would get worse. I realized when around her she was a vampire and toxic to me and my prosperity would dry up.

So I moved away and then in moment of compassion and loyalty helped her move to the new city I was in. I did not need her or want her around, really but she was getting older and the cost of living was going up and I thought I’d be a good son and help my mother because she was good to me when I was small child and she could live in the same city but keep her distance.

It was the biggest mistake of my life… as soon as she got here she violated every boundary I had set up. So I said enough you are toxic, you put me in to depression and I lose the will to live when you are violating my boundaries. I have never lived without her shadow on top of me or her eye on me.

That made no difference to her. The fact that I told her I didn’t want to live if she was in my life and to give me space and let me work on myself made no difference. I also told her I could not focus or work. She literally drove by my place 2-3 times a day. She had random people call me, she stalked me and even sent a woman to date me and spy on me (the woman told me)

I did go broke as the economy crashed and I was an emotional mess with her stalking me and showing up at my door and I was unfocused and being triggered into rage every time she would violate my boundaries. (I have no rage issues with anyone else. It’s I have developed a PTSD type response to her that is almost beyond my control yet I work on it all of the time.)

I moved took a $15 an hour job (coming from $100K a year in my own business) and tried to start over, She fucking tracked me down and started stalking me at my new place, made friends with security and called them everyday asking about me. Refused to stop calling me (if I didn’t answer the phone she’s send security or the police, she uses police as a treat to me) Once again I went from doing ok to totally broke and got evicted.

She got what she has wanted since the day I moved out, for me to have no place to turn but to her and move back in with her. Under the false pretense that she would help me get into a new place and this was temporary. We’ll 1.5 years later I’m still living with the person that destroyed my life and everything I try to do falls apart. I work non-stop yet see no results, don’t get hired for freelance, my products don’t make enough sales to change my life, it’s like she’s a curse on my life and I have felt that my entire life anytime I was around her.

I lost my ability to manifest because I can not stay in a positive state even 24 hours. I’m either depressed or thinking about, how bad my life sucks or get triggered looking at her every fucking day, and thoughts of suicide fill my head. And I do meditate, visualize, and etc…

Anytime there is peace she will do something to violate one of my boundaries and trigger my depression, despair. I should also mention she pushed her way into and cause problems or ruined all of my relationships with women if I let her near unless she could control me through the woman.

I got some relief from doing some protection magick to remove a curse and any entities. But once I told her what I did, it’s like it was right back to where it was. I see now telling her was a mistake I thought she was also trying to work on being civil. (This has to be how abused women feel, but the deepest connection a person can make is with their mother and that connection is being used against me) Maybe she is using Magick or Intent against me or maybe her Christian Prayer warriors are working on me.

I have asked for help from a patheon of Gods and I have gotten some. But not enough to get out of this situation and back on my own in prosperity. And I am taking massive physical action but get almost no results. I might even be self-sabotaging on some level so I work on that. I use EFT, NLP, do all kinds of emotional cleansing.

But I still can’t stay positive for more than a few hours, because I have to live with the person that stabbed me in the back for having loyalty and compassion, who does everything they can to keep me in this situation and will never amend their ways or acknowledge and wrong doing and does every Narcissistic trick in the book.

I’m broke, can’t seem to make any money doing anything I’m passionate about or enjoy, I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. And I need real tangible results that will get me the money and a place to live so I can out my life back together and keep her our of it (by restraining order if need be.)

It so bad I spent a few day in a Mental Hospital for making suicidal statements. During my stay just being away from her I felt amazing clarity and peace, it was the best time I have had all year long. I felt almost high. But 3 days later after being back in my living situation I was back in depression.

And was told that I had amazing coping skills and that they were surprised I was not a hard drug user or an alcoholic from what I had been dealing with for my entire adult life and especially the worst of it the last 8 years where the stable, happy, life I built with friends, success, and prosperity was destroyed by a selfish person driving me into deep depression, over and over.

I can’t afford to move as I’m broke, I’d be homeless I have no one I can stay with, I have bad credit. I’m so emotionally fucked up I don’t know if I could hold down a job, I get depression and anxiety and I hate working for people, which is why I have been trying to build some online stores and freelance. But nothing is working or manifests to any significant degree.

I alternate between thinking I’m just fucked and my life is over, to this being some fucked up test. (It’s certainly not Karma from this life.), and I don’t even know who to call on anymore. Because I have been calling and asking for help for several years. And some times some comes, but in situations I don’t wan’t. Women I’m not attracted to or a wealthy man and I am 100% Straight. Or thing will look like their are doing really good and the fall to shit and a total reversal.

That’s another thing, I feel like a total loser living with my mother as an adult way into adult hood, I have no self worth, feel powerless and victimized. All the totally opposite of who I used to be. And let not forget I’m sexually frustrated because unlike women when you’re a man no one wants to fuck you when you live with your mother and your life is shit.

I apologize if this post is not appropriate here but I really need help and what I have tried has not worked and my power to manifest the good I desire is suppressed.

I lean more to the light side of things work with Angels, Shiva, Enki, I have never directly worked with Lucifer but I may have called on him a couple of times in my darkest hours, Satan does not resonate with me for some reason nor does the dark imagery.

So any suggestions?

Ideas?

Approaches Magickally, to get out of this situation?

PS: I never dreamed or in my worst nightmares that this would be my life after years of study, hard work, 12-16 hour days.

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Fuck, I’m not sure I have anything much to say for advice (except get her some guy she can victimise instead) but your situation sucks, it is NOT your fault, and you have every right to feel pissed off and trapped.

A lot of people have ups and downs in life but you have this situation where she grabbed a hold of you at a bad low-point and you can’t bounce back.

Maybe try calling the Angel of Lost Things, see if you can get your lost freedom (not being silly saying that, it’s as real as anything else)?

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Thank you maybe I will try that. I have thought about working with Demons but I’m not sure if this is a good time or not. I have most of the GOM Books and also the Ben Woodcroft books. I started doing some Money Magick and I try to stay positive but it’s hard.

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Yeah, and another thing to beat yourself up about if you’re not careful, happens to us all . :+1:

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I’m sorry this has happened. From one kid with a mother like that to another, I know what it’s like.

There is no way she doesn’t know how much anger you have. She does know you feel guilt, and that’s what keep you coming back.

You may have to subdue your mother magically, which means using the rage that she has set up in you.

It’s hard to think about doing that, no matter how much the woman seems to be trying to drown you, but you may have to start there, forcing her grip loose on you. It’s hard if she’s older and weaker, because it could take a toll on her physically, but she has had her life and has made her decisions. Your job is to live your life. Your rage will not kill her; no matter how much anger you have, for some reason, it holds back short of completely destroying the parent. Deep down, I guess we really don’t want anything to go that far.

Let yourself accept that you don’t owe your mother your life or anything else, and it’s okay to be very angry over how she has treated you. No guilt. Really: no more guilt. Do some excavating. The one thing you have to work with is this feeling, and it’s a powerful tool.

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One other question. Is there a good thread on working with both Angels & Demons, and the differences. I really don’t know much about the LHP or working with Demons. I have only worked with what I felt drawn to, Enki, Shiva, with sincerity.

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Do you have some resources on how to “subdue your mother magically, which means using the rage that she has set up in you.” I come from the Lighter more Love light side where we are told Anger will attract more problems which in truth I have seen happen. So how do I channel it to work for me.

I know vibrationally it’s higher up than dispair and depression, which is probably why, when I get mad and yell at her I feel better, for a few minutes. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t because if we get along I feel like I’m being lulled into her trap. It sick she ruined my life to keep me in hers and then will do nice things for me like I’m a kid and expect me to be thrilled about Ice cream and I’m thinking you ruined my life!

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Not really, opinions and experiences vary so much.

Some people thing demons are like Santa with horns here to only help us, and angels are vile prison guards, other people see angels as part of the mechanism of reality, neutral, and demons as “just some dudes” (that’s more or less my approach) and others come at either side with their own experiences.

Trust your gut and work with what feels natural, I step out into other things to acquire power and allies and have always come back to a specific centre with the gains from the experience. At the moment I think building yourself up may help more than trying to adopt new beliefs and do things that might leave you with even more self-doubt. :+1:

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That’s tough also because I always believe in taking responsibility for my life because I believe we create it on some level. But this has me stumped and took me half of my life to realized this was not my fault (unless I chose it before I came here). It’s a mind fuck.

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Pick the belief most likely to give you the power to get shit sorted out. Honest advice.

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That’s actually really good advice.

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I agree with @Lady_Eva. Personally, I’m not sure how to use love and light to tap into the dark side to release it. However, I find that the archangel Michael is helpful in protecting and fending off attacks, and he tends to work in the long-term to drive people away physically and geographically or permanently take their will to fight away.

Just as a personal thing, I found that “stepping into the shadows” and exploring the darkness in me, the darkness planted there since I was a child (hereditary darkness?) was the only way to see it for what it was and release it.

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How do you use the Anger and Rage is what I was asking… I have tried love & light or maybe I haven’t as I think futile. So I’m looking for other solutions as I see this as self-defense.

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There you have it. You need to distance the source of the problem, at least until you’re solid enough to neutralize it. And by that, I refer to magickal/spiritual means.

Yeah, do that.

You’re 100% on that? And even if that is the case, have you tried investigating past life karma? I thought that was all bullshit at first until realizing that, because of the true nature of time, it does apply. The new agers are into the “Akashic records” thing which is mostly shit but it can be a decent tool to visualize/channel those energies when approached from a less flowery perspective. Regardless, digging into past life, or even racial/genetic, karma can make a difference.

That, my friend, is up to you. If you tell yourself that you suck, you will suck. Realign your perception of self-worth, no matter what your current physical life situation is.

One of my oldest friends lives with his mom, in his 40s, and he does fine. Again: perception of self! Confidence is King.

Lucifer is light, homie. The fact you mentioned him indicates that there is something drawing you to him. Give it a try.

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This might not be of much help but while you are stuck living with her you might want to do regular cleansing of yourself to disperse some of her negativity. I think you sound like a good guy, you tried to do the right thing with her but she’s toxic. Don’t let her steal all of your joy, you deserve better. Everyone’s journey is different, don’t feel like you failed.

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She has already stolen it all. I have nothing left. She disabled me emotionally and financially and then complains about helping me. I tell her you know I never asked you for anything and gave you money I was fine and successful and independent and you refused to leave me alone when I told you where it was heading. It goes in one ear and out the other. She is also passive aggressive I tell her never to wake me up and she knows I don’t sleep well so when I finally get to sleep she bangs on my door to see if I’m here, when my car is out front.

No body knows the hell this evil woman have put me through. My compassion for her was a mistake and my undoing.

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I found for some reason mothers intent for their children is so powerful… basically if my mom wish something bad on me it happens, she dosnt even have to ask for it…
Some distance, regular Epson baths and getting pets got me a long way.
Stay strong :heartpulse:

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@JustAnotherGod

You need to insulate yourself emotionally and psychologically from your mother.

Other people do not control your emotions, the body reacts to the environment in certain ways.

75% of this is how you feel, 25% of this ( possibly less) is the physical legwork to make your own money again.

If you start feeling better and errect psychic and emotional barriers without any Guilt whatsoever, then you will find the energy to take action.

Guilt, guilt for your mom is what happened here. Guilt because of her taking care of you when you were younger.

But let me tell you this. You are far too beautiful as a person to let yourself live anybody else’s life that’s not your own.

Let go of your past mistakes, because that resentment towards your past self is keeping you down in regret and self-loathing.

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Thank you all for your input and kind worlds I really need them right now. It’s very, very tough.

I have been studying about Lucifer for about 8 years now, I have been defending him for about 3 or so years. I have worked with Shiva and Enki. Tonight I asked Lucifer to help me guide me, give me knowledge and wisdom, as well as get me out of this situation and back into prosperity and that I was willing to do my part.

I didn’t really feel much of anything maybe some mental clarity, and nervousness but no fear. I did it a couple of times with a sigil in my iphone and again in total darkness and seeing the sigil in astral blue flames.

So I will see where this goes and if I get any answers or help.

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Trust me, he came to you.

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