I feel VERY OPEN now. Its like I have lightning in a bottle, but it's too random when it clicks. Left brain vs. right brain balance. Right/Wrong... my own blocks

Chaos Magick, Psionics & Technology
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How can I attain more discipline, power and control.
I should preface that I feel a bit isolated and have no where to turn in terms of talking about a majority of this below. Do people still even post on here? I have read and dealt with different experiences, and I feel like most of humanity are judgmental or limited in how they can process the waking world. Reddit is the next place, but there are lots more trolls or not studied people on there. I have been hesitant to post because youtubers divulged personal stories and content memed this place. I truly believe that their version of reality just doesn’t include what we encounter or know, so I just have to engage with the place that freed me.

Here are my blessings from the past few years.

  1. I took the advice of someone on here around 2021 to study the LOA, Neville Goddard’s work, spiritual significance of quantum mechanics, Florence Shin, etc. Life changing… I look at the Goetia and astral projection with less fear and more respect now. I have as much power as I can wield. There are processes and systems before me that could have great control over me though, and I am not naive to it.
  2. I manifested back the ex which I initially wanted, and even new years eve this year he said he wanted to marry me. It’s a hell no on that, but I felt so in control. He would serve my will if I let it happen.
  3. I switched career paths in the meantime, and I am working on becoming a creative of some kind. I have had a deep desire to create artwork of all kind. Paintings, videos, art-work, be on stage and perform… anything my soul can do.
  4. Something switched last year though… it was like another level of life unlocked where I was meeting the right people and having extreme magnetism.
  5. I felt that throughout life, but the gates broke and I started to even be able to control in subtle ways those around me.
  6. I regularly meditate, practice yoga, journal about my waking and dream life, try to eat clean as possible, exercise, try to respect my work with Astaroth, some of the angels and a few others. Sleep is something I try to use as a tool to heal, reflect and not use it to escape.
  7. I haven’t done psychedelics but I am talking to those who partake, I compare what I know to what they do as well, so I am finding IRL community that sees beyond the veil too. ( I honestly don’t know if I ever will do any).
  8. Graduated my undergrad, got several job offers ( I am not even working a traditional, 9-5 now) and just continued energy reflecting back to me when I engage. Transformation is okay. I am thriving so much more now after learning I like work that is untraditionally flexible or changing schedules. Being an entrepreneur is what I was meant to do.

But, the problems of my past issues, are kind of repeating…

BLOCK ONE
Men, women, too much people wanting something from me… trying to be the composer and not just a vessel for/mirroring others.

The past three years… I have been on and off depressed at times. Now, through it all, I feel like a freer person, who honestly had to sacrifice a lot. The lows had to occur for me to break away from some deep wounds or programming.
I always pulled through. I was trying hard to be someone else and not trust my intuition. Fighting it is foolhardy. The fulfillment of my life is in aligning with the intuition.
I still feel so weak… I can be strong, but this week…
Sunday, I fell a bit off kilter. I ended up scratching my car and then I even got a wrong way driving ticket today…crazy scenarios for both occurrences. It happened the same time I was hanging out this younger man. I think a part of me feels its wrong and I am getting shit for it. My intuition is also saying it came from hanging out with this younger man who isn’t aware enough of most things in life especially THIS. I am listening now… it could be that he subconsciously is dragging me down in some ways. I felt like bubbly and worried energy when he is around, where I can’t relax. I’m probably going to quietly distance myself from him until I or he is different.

BLOCK TWO
Fear of unknowns and labeling things right and wrong stopped me

Ugh idk how I can ignore those weak men/women that come to me…. I feel like a beacon of light and a mix of a dark energy that draws a lot of people in.
Anyways… I had weird, paranormal experiences the past month where I felt as if… I encountered another high level being or person with immense power while I was traveling. Idk what was in the car, but I am telling you… I felt really off, turned on and scared. Their windows were blacked out. I have no effin idea… I totally could have been thinking wrong. I was sleep deprived due to work, so I also can reason it away. The main thing was that I felt ecstasy and amazing that day though. Everything went right and my way at work and in my personal life.
I noticed more now we all carry this weight that shift energies. That confidence, power and knowledge is so alluring to me. My gut is telling that it was a good moment (even if in the moment I was scared). They had totally random plates and it was a nice 2 seater… can’t remember if it was a benz or an audi. I initially thought they wanted to race like some do, but it was driving weird. Ugh, I can’t explain it. This is the only point, where I feel like I sound delusional lol, but I swear time slowed down for about 5-10 minutes… the cars were all driving slower than normal. At the time, I just figured I am out on the highway in the country area, and these people drive slow af. I passed so many cars like I felt invisible. I was just cruising along, and all of a sudden a shift happened…where time went back to normal. DAMN like out of nowhere, a gray 2 seater came up behind me. I watch the roads like a hawk (maybe i wasn’t being sleep deprived). It came up next to me on the right hand side, like they wanted to race, it went like 15 above the speed limit for a few seconds, but I felt more fear than excitement. I came up next to the car and literally all the windows were blacked out. It was fucking weird, legally you have to have the front window visible for cops. Whoever it was had some sort of power… to be driving like a maniac with very opaque windows, they either were rich or it was something else lol. They started to tail or follow me. So, I did the bitch move of faking out and went into the another lane. The fear took over.
That occurrence taught me lesson that I can be too fearful, maybe I need to sleep more, or I have a lot power and awareness than I realize.
It also confused me… if what I think might have happened… was it a good or bad experience?

BLOCK THREE
Dealing with the unaware who can only see the facets of the crystal I am.

I can’t get to the next level in life if I am afraid of confronting people or sharing space with those that are above me. I KNOW THIS, but how can I get past the pity have for others and my ego.
Peoples opinions still fuck with me. The majority of the blind, unaware of people… I care so much about what the think, for some reason.
Recently, a therapist called me spacey, which was new word to describe me. When I was a grade school, I got called that but I was super shy and didn’t feel safe to talk. I wondered what am I doing wrong? I feel so in touch with myself and my surroundings yet this lady is saying something else. Am I acting too coy with her? Of course, I don’t reveal my full self, but I share relevant things specifically about my social interactions. I was too scared to ask her why she even thinks that because I listen and write down everything she says. I would maybe get the opposite that I talk too much or go off into different tangents ugh.
No one has called me that, so I know I am doing something possibly wrong. I might be TOO OPEN and processing to much to the wrong people. She is an atheist, traumatized by being Pentecostal, and doesn’t believe in coincidences even.

AS much awareness and attraction I provide, I feel like I can’t shut others down.
I want to be in control and in power. This power and control I want to attain. How can I become the one that also can push away and get others to do what I want more. How can I act better on my intuition and my discernment
I feel VERY OPEN now, but I am not able to control it. Its like I have lightning in a bottle.

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I remember I started a journal previously, and fortunately, it doesn’t align with what I feel, how I think and process today. I will continue on here.

I am a powerful being who wants transcend to some degree my desires in flesh. Not all of it, I still need to enjoy my senses.

I guess my assumption was correct there aren’t too many that identify with exactly how I feel or where I am at, so I will just interact in this thread. Either, no replies means I am very out of touch in this forum or it’s just wyrd.

Today
I met up with a man who I met at a local group that touches on the subject of psychedelics.
Very insightful experience each time we hangout. It was my first time being in a man’s home that he owns. We did breathing exercises (we had meditated previously before in our first meeting) and shared a meal and conversation, saw a movie.
The best part was doing a 25 min. breathing exercise that encourages oxygenation of blood. Wim Hof breathing (There are probably other similar techniques out there) helps calm your mind while invigorating the body.

Insights while doing the exercise
I am the creator and the creation, so I don’t need to fear. I had thoughts about Astaroth, some flashbacks to a movie I saw with someone who worships them. I can’t remember all of it now, but I am reminded of feeling disgust at my thoughts and intrigue. I remember my wounds as a child being in panic and fear. There was acceptance of things too.

In control
We did it together which initially made me uncomfortable… taking deep breaths with a man who might want me. I had to relax though and get into it. It gave a natural high. Of course, the childish mind was laughing at him and the situation, can’t help I perceived him acting a bit silly getting so into it and it almost being sexual with him in downward dog after. God, men have it so easy, if I was doing all that… he would get turned on and come onto me a lot stronger than my will. One thing I love about the west is that men still can control themselves… go to most other countries outside the west, they can’t control their desires. I am sorry to generalize, but its just been my experience. The men from the east can’t be objective, nuanced or divide sex and femininity.
I resisted his (obvious and not so obvious) desires to want to be with me. The food was so bad. The cringe has killed the vibe. I lost some of the profound insight I had from earlier cause of the horrible food lol. I hope I gave him blue balls just for that.

Food tangent:

Honestly (PSA to white middle americans) his food he “made” was so flavorless and just killed a bit of the joy for me haha. He was pretty clean in his diet because of his practice. Of course, I wouldn’t reciprocate sexually. After hanging out, I came back to my place pissed a little, how did his house smell like food and yet I was eating microwaved food :sweat_smile: :joy:. I am spoilt with a family that cooks well and enjoys dining… homemade or going out. Food is an experience, love and a culture.
You can be strict and clean with your diet, but please use some herbs and spices if you can’t eat salt or oil. I had to season his food after it was microwaved (which just doesn’t make it taste the same as cooking with the seasonings/spice). He even gave me week old green beans :face_exhaling:

He has tripped before, so I understand that his connection to the world is off-kilter. I can’t have sex with a vegan who doesn’t enjoy the taste of blood, salt, onions, and spices. Maybe he did at some point, but not anymore. How can he get lost in his sense with me and feel pleasure if he can’t taste how bad his food is. I can’t describe it exactly, but vegetarians are not as passionate as meat eaters in sex or life… maybe I am too selfish and cold but I don’t want to give in to people or anything’s will unless it makes sense.
I am done with leading a man by his ballsack especially when there is risk I will fall for them or get pregnant.

With that all said, I probably will just try to avoid eating or having any kind of sensual pleasure with this person. It seems our company is best spent exploring our solo practices in each other’s spaces. We both seem to click and bring out the positive in each other.

Finding too much comfort in others
Everyday I am talking to the right people and getting inspired to do things that will help my goals. I ended up getting a traffic citation recently (after years of good driving). Someone i know who used to work for the police says that the whole ticket is invalid! I might luck out hopefully.

The only hard thing now… is my focus and discipline to get things done for work and my future goals. It could be better. I lost some of it when I went on a trip for my birthday.

I am getting lost in my relationships again. I am escaping into the crowd. I need to go back to being the creator and magician. My solitude propels me forward with my goals.
It’s silly but I think I either need a virtual planner I look at everyday with its limitless pages, or I need to avoid people for two weeks.

Solitude is where I make my money, share my gifts to the world by creatoring and building myself, and even practice all the things that I am good at.

I need to remember this.

Animals
Lately, I feel like I have been making a weird sixth sense connection with animals. They pick up on whatever I am picking up on since the “gates opened”. People’s pets will come to be me without my will and my own pets seem to show their “vulnerabilities”. Of course with wild animals, they tend to show themselves to me, it’s possible I just have good timing when I run into the coyotes, raccoons, turkeys, birds too.

Dreams
My dreams lately have been more stressed out. I keep replaying traumas from grade school. I can’t understand why the core parts of me still feels wounded. I am trying to go lucid in those moments but then it ends up with the dream turning into a fractured melodrama. I guess I need to keep dream journaling.

Practices

  1. Dancing

I need to return back to dancing especially what I was studying last year at a studio. Dancing is a connection to another world.
I just feel so intimidated going back because they were super weird lol. Many were out of shape, arrogant(typical of performers) or wayward people… I am sounding judgmental, screw me, but I work-hard on my discipline to maintain myself mentally and physically. My appearance is a manifestation on my will. I want others to resonate with this. I feel though… I am supposed to be there ugh. There was also one man there who talked about demonology and satanism in a way that goes against what the creators and users of this site talk about. It was the pop-culture satanic panic version that hates monotheism. He looks great when he performs, but he was creepy too haha. Personally, I feel all human belief systems are fallible or trash.
The first time I went a overly, voluptuous lady kept calling me out for no reason. No idea, maybe it was jealousy, later she said she has adhd when I was sitting aside observing their troupe perform (why is she telling me everything that is wrong with her). It wasn’t charming. It seemed like an insecure thing to do. The worst is that she said women should hide their bodies. No.
The second teacher I tried, she was very busy person, like she had kids. She was the best and most educated dancer, but I knew she wasn’t giving it her all. Her mind was elsewhere.
There is one more teacher who has the most patience, beauty and charm, but I would need to buy extra classes from her which cost additional $$. I think I should though.

  1. My resting heart has been up since my trip

I lost a bit of my fitness since travelling, lack of sleep and not enough exercise. I need to get back to a good routine. I watch those who travel for a living and rarely sleep, and they look amazing because their strict diet and fitness routine. I can do this!

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Please use caution if you end up trying psychedelics. If you’re having strange phenomena happening already like you describe that kind of thing could push you over the edge.

If you do decide to use psychedelics, try Psilocybin Mushrooms before you upgrade to something like acid. It will give you an idea if you can handle the more powerful and longer lasting hallucinogens.

I find a good rule of thumb to be that if you cannot handle Marijuana on its own, then you probably should be very cautious of using psychedelics.

I would stay far away from Reddit.
I was briefly a part of r/demonology before I rage quit the group. They censor almost everything and there are far too many assholes and armchair magicians for my liking. People on BALG tend to be much more serious about things. Reddit is on almost everyone’s phone. Its easy to join those groups and then never participate. With BALG you must type it into the search bar beforehand, and then proceed to log in with your credentials. Its not difficult, but that small extra effort seems to make quite a difference on the caliber of people you deal with.