A bit of forewarning, if you’re not here to honestly help others along their path, then there is no need for you here, look elsewhere. In this possibly long post, I ramble about me. My feelings, my problems, and my shortcomings, if you’re not willing to read through this and learn about me, so that I may find peace and help, look elsewhere. Lastly, if you’re only going to judge me for who I am or have done, look elsewhere, and may Lucifer guide your path of pride to a burning lake. No hostility intended, but people who look at others and only think of their own success, without helping others, can rot, and those that look down upon others that are in the same situation as them at the start, and have only contempt, can burn. No one individual is special and worth more than the next, especially since any person or thing can be brought so low, they wish they never existed. Nothing is powerful enough to avoid destruction. Death, sure, absolute annihilation by something more powerful? No. Remember, there’s always someone or something more powerful than you.
With that being said, and possibly on the verge of violating the rules, for if it does, I apologies, let me know and I’ll edit it out, here are the rambling of madness.
I’ve been on this site, reading and trying to learn and gain both spiritual and physical knowledge, however I’m honestly a bit lost and slightly discouraged. I made a post a few days ago asking where a beginner should start and I got an exceptional reply of threads to begin reading, and I have. I now realise that my inquiry was incorrect. I asked where a beginner should start, when I should have asked how one should start.
Treat me as a child, for I am as ignorant as a newborn. I can’t visualise stuff, because I don’t know if it’s mentally or actually seeing stuff, like with my physical eyes, as one would see a room, either dark or light, and can see the objects in that room clearly.
Visually, with my eyes, I see nothing but what is physical. Mentally, I see… concepts is the best way to put it. I can imagine an apple, I know it’s shape, for I have seen one before. I can’t see the colour. I can’t imagine the taste, for I have tasted an apple. I can’t imagine feeling the skin, for I have felt the skin. I know, but cannot experience. I don’t dream in colour. I see a shirt, I know it is red, but I see that it’s not a colour. Not even black or grey, for those are colours. I dream completely colorless, or as much as I can tell.
I’ve tried doing visualisation exercises but I haven’t a clue on what I should be doing since I keep reading conflicting accounts and different ways to train it.
It’s like I’ve been thrown into the middle of the ocean without knowing how to swim or even tread water, I’m literally just sinking and flailing about, hoping to grasp something to keep myself afloat.
I’d like to start off by saying that I currently pray to Lucifer. Just pray. No alter, or rituals to do, since I don’t know which ones are real and work, and which ones are created to either cause harm or make you seem like an idiot. My prayer includes me laying in my dark bedroom talking to Lucifer, which could be whatever was on my mind that day, or tired ramblings, or praying for guidance and the money or opportunity so that I can live comfortably and help others learn about him. Always finishing it off with a “so mote it be” for I know of nothing else.
I’ve lit a red candle whilst praying a few times, and I’ve even done a little thing where I washed my body with a rag while praying for him to cleanse my vessel, since I’m not to sure I have a soul anymore, in front of a burning candle of red and white. I happened to be facing east as well. I lit a white candle to cleanse the room while I prepared a bowl of soupy water and a wash rag. After I had stripped and was ready to cleanse myself, I blew out the white candle and lit the red one while starting the praying to Lucifer, after I had cleansed myself fully and finished my prayer, I blew out the red candle and relit the white one. After a few moments I lit both and tried practising meditation. I don’t know why I did all this, but I had a thought that it might be appropriate. At least once.
I can’t meditate. I’ve been practising, or trying too, but I don’t know how. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, so my thoughts are always rampant. I’m always thinking about three or more things at any given time and focusing just doesn’t happen. I’ve tried several techniques, but it always just feels like I’m laying there, not doing anything. I don’t feel my body get heavy, I don’t completely relax, I don’t get heightened awareness or anything. It’s literally like I’m just laying there, with just my thoughts.
I’m a skeptic. Always have been, even though I’ve experienced slight paranormal activities. A picture had been taken of my cat, but in the background was a curtain covering a sliding glass door and on one side, where the door didn’t slide open, was this thing leaning out of the curtain. The details I remember are fuzzy, but it wasn’t a trick of the light or a shadow. It was too dark for that. It was just a being with long unkempt black hair, probably mid back length, leaning shoulders out around the corner of the curtain with the hair covering it’s face. I’ve tried finding the picture, but it’s since vanished.
I also have a picture of me as a child, still wearing diapers but able to walk, so maybe three or four years old. It was a picture taken of a reflection in glass of me and my grandfather. One of those early 2000 picture ideas people thought were cool, but standing next to me was another child that appeared to be wearing clothing from before we had the telegraph. Either leather or cotton cap with a tunic, not a shirt, trousers and buckled shoes with long socks. I still have this picture, but the figure has faded almost completely only leaving a ghastly wide sharp teeth filled grin. I can show the picture if those who want to help me want to see it.
My last paranormal experience was late at night after I had fallen asleep. Around this time, I lived with my grandparents and a couple times my grandpa would come to my window and wake me up to let him in, since he would be locked out, I tell you this because one night I heard my grandpa call my name. Just my name, and not in any alarming way, just like he was trying to rouse me from sleep or to get my attention, I also heard my grandma’s voice say my name too, but I think her voice was first, I can’t completely remember, it was like they were trying to get my attention, I can’t describe the tone for I haven’t heard it since from anyone. I woke up, still half asleep and I told the voice. Who I thought was my grandpa, to hold on, I’ll let him in and I stumbled to my back door. This is a different house than the one the dark figure showed up in a picture from earlier, but it is a part of that house. I live in a duplex, two houses that are attached side by side like one large house. I stumbled to my back door and opened it, it was completely dark outside. At this point I started to wake up and notice the strange situation I was in. I hurriedly closed and locked the back door, going to the kitchen to check the time, I know it was past 1am but I can’t remember exactly when it was, but being extremely confused, I went and woke up my grandparents, who were sleeping soundly, and asked if they called me, they didn’t.
These were the only experiences I’ve had. I come from a family of christians and I have been baptized when I was younger. My grandma also claims that her great grandfather, so my great great great grandfather, was the messenger for a Christian prophet. The prophet couldn’t read or write so my great whatever, did it for him. My grand father, the great great great one, in case you got lost on who I was referencing, was also the priest or pastor of his own church. So for all my supposedly holy blood, I don’t think I was born with any faith for I see the Christian God as vile and a liar if he exists.
I want to believe in ghosts, spirits, gods and demons, but I’m cursed by a logical and overly scientific brain. I want faith. I want to believe in Lucifer. I need to believe in him and others. I am a broken mortal. I’m empty, I don’t seem to have guilt, empathy or sympathy. My emotions seem to consist of rage and hatred. Even when I was younger, I think I was consumed by this emptiness. I knew a kid couldn’t swim, but I pushed him into a pool and laughed. I tried to stab an uncle when he made me angry. I did a lot of horrible things as a child.
I had an ex who was supposedly a Wiccan or pagan. She whispered in my ear and entertained thoughts of grandeur, telling me stuff that doesn’t make sense. Like there’s two being inside of me. A demon of some kind, and a being so old and cold that makes my true name the name of the coldest thing in existence. A race of beings colder than absolute zero. I once tried to enchant something using a ritual she had. The necklace inexplicably blew apart weeks later when she went to put it on. She’s apparently tried to cast magic on me, only for it to either not work, slide off me, or just fall apart, like the nail holding a shelf together was removed from her spell, causing it to become completely inert. I’ve met jealous witch who liked my ex and apparently communed with wolves and told me she was an alpha, threaten me with a liver infection spell. Stopped talking to her and never had a liver infection.
I’ve looked up a prayer to moon goddess and her vampire children when I was a few years younger, said prayer at night and to the moon so she could send her vampiric children to me so they can change me.
I’m most likely more than a little unhinged and probably even into insane territory. There are so many things wrong with me and this is the first time I’m telling someone. The first time I’ve even written it out.
I don’t know why I’m putting all this out there for others to pick at. Maybe in hopes of one of you understanding who I am, or perhaps what I am. Maybe because this has become a great burden on me. Maybe I’m fed up with being weak. It could be a lot of things, all I know is that I hope I can be helped and that I hope I can believe and experience great things. I’m tired of remaining in a bubble. I’m tired of remaining in my reality. I want to grow so that I may escape my demons, or grow so that I may befriend them. I don’t want to drown.
I’ve realised that I’ve been looking for a reason to stay alive. It can’t be for myself or family or friends because I don’t care how much pain it would cause, so long as it all ends for me. I would like my reason to keep living to be to grow powerful enough to stand in Lucifer’s army, or another, and cut out the corruption that eats away at me. Be it though a cleansing of fire or filled with the blackest void. I hunger for more, even if I become the void that is trapped deep within me. Especially if I become the void inside me. I hope out hope that there’s a path of the void out there. Pure emptiness. No ego. Immutable and infinite, forever devouring.
Perhaps this is a cry from parts of me I don’t yet understand. I know I’ve said a lot, I know I probably sound like a maniac. Maybe I’m actually insane and beyond help, but if there is anyone that reads this that has had real experiences with occultism or magic and can help me, I implore you. At first I will be insufferable to work with. Lazy, no work or study ethic, no knowledge on what to do, but that will change as I begin to grow in knowledge and have experienced of my own.
To recap, I can’t visualise, I can’t meditate. My chakras are probably so clogged and blocked there not even there and I possibly have a demon or void inside of me. When I think of my aura, I think of a purple so dark, it looks black. I probably have an unhealthy obsession with vampires. And I don’t want to drown. I need a teacher of some kind to help me get started or well put together instructions, for I’m not even a beginner. I’m a babe.
I do hope I gain something from putting all of this out there, or perhaps I’m lost and forsaken and these doors are closed to me. However, I choose to trust in Lucifer to guide me to where I need to be.