I felt. A little shitty when I walked in. Tried to pass a spot Sam sits in the morning but my legs were shaking. I just couldn’t. I dunno. I just wanted to cry later. Almost did.
My past scars are all but gone, but making new ones comes with the territory.
I tried to ask Amon, but I guess it was a bad spot, because the connection was weak.
According to Amon, “You now have cleared most, if not all of your past scars. YOu cannot be expected, however, to face the one you love with an issue like this and not react negatively.”
I feel… okay? Now. I was given this “percentage of completion” by amon for the healing process. I kept clarifying every time, and for the most part I never got it wrong. Now “the same” process is being applied for sam, and last I checked, he was at like 36%
My point being?
I have no idea. But basically, Amon said his problem would be, quote “Less of a challenge, because he has less monsters than you did.”
I don’t doubt this, considering that I had to take on at least 50 weird distortions of myself, fix the weird processing centers of fear and doubt and shit like that and yadda yada yadda you get the idea.
I had to. Do this one thing, at the request of Amon I had to take care of this thing for Sam. It was this. Burning creature, at least it appeared that way. Most astral fighting, for me, is not about the tools you use, but the will behind them. This thing wouldn’t. Die. I used all of my will and the thing still managed to flounder about, murderously trying to strike back at me. I had to pull him out of his mental realm and leave him to die, which he did.
It was scary. Honestly, if that’s the kind of shit that’s bothering Sam then I don’t question why he got that far into his own hell.
Amon says I could help more, but he advised me not to. He’s got things under control, he says, and he doesn’t want me focusing on it.
Right now I feel like crap. I didn’t say so today, but I sort of saw Sam relatively close to me and lost it. I walked away, scarf covering my face, crying a little. I managed to make it quite a bit of a ways away before I started crying enough for people to hear.
but I know he saw it, and I feel kind of like a dick. I don’t know. It’s not even about what happened before anymore. It’s just about what’s happening now. Amon told me that this was normal, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I met up with Sam and his mental realm later, and he seemed solemn but not really… Not really angry. He said he gets it. He didn’t necessarily feel bad, because he got it and he was feeling relatively similar. He said he cared, and that he was worried, but that he didn’t necessarily feel a ton of pain himself. He said he thought about it for a few hours after happened, but ultimately was able to forget about it for a bit and focus on something else. “I guess it didn’t consciously click that it mattered THAT much to you, but in hindsight I suppose it should have.”
We were walking in the hallways. And he was very close to me, he looked at me for a second or two and pretended that he didn’t see me.I guess I was already feeling kind of bad around him that day so I just sort of let it out. Felt like a jackass for a bit.
Skipping my first hour over and over has finally bit me in the ass. I guess I can’t do that anymore.
We’re close. But I guess it’s a turbulent time. I only can guess what Sam is going through
In the meantime, Sam’s crap is at about 74%, and it usually progresses in burstsprobably because he’s being pointed towards things that take out a big chunk of the issue.
Well, thanks to the corona virus scare, starting Monday there won’t be any school for about 3 weeks, for just a general protectionto stop the spreading and spring break. I wonder how that will factor into future eventsregarding recovery and the like
Tarot spread for old times sake
Past, the devil, I was chained by my own perspective.
Present, magician, I’m manipulating my future (with help) and guiding my path (honestly entirely helped)
Future, nine of cups. Wish granted.
Pretty straight forward! :)))))))
Like I said, my favorite card
I don’t feel great, but I should look at this logically.
I have to stay in this class. I have to, I have no choice. I miss it two more times and a truancy officer gets involved. I am in so much pain and anticipation. I want to cry.
I’m failing so many classes, cause the depression took me down when I had to be up, and now I still stare down the barrel of depression every day. I can get out of bed just fine, but staying in class? This is my last… real trial with this issue, that I can think of, and it’s dumb but the hardest part is that he might not look at me once. That’s really sad, don’t you think?
My scars are healed, but my circumstance remains the same. So that’s just too bad.
Lets hope I can smile genuinely after first hour.
“All you have to do today is focus on yourself. That means being totally fixated on your well being, nothing else. I think a good way to do that is to focus on finding a place to relax.” -Amon
This is one hell of a depressive ride 
What happened between you and sam exactly?
I wasn’t sure, at first. Now I guess I sort of know. He broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. “Sometimes things don’t have a reason.” Bullcrap. He later on gave a small excuse, which was not only fixable with ease, but in my view, a small part of the problem, which was hiding some… burden he was carrying. Turns out, that was true, but it’s more complex than that. In the words of Amon, “He had a heavy load to bear, this does not mean that he didn’t love you, but that he couldn’t. This is his battle, more than yours, and you need wait for him to fight it, and I know that is hard, but it is the best course of action at this point.”
He actually was involved in a lot of my life and social circles, and I am deeply, deeply in love with him. I was in panic, anguish, discomfort, fear, and before I knew it, I was fighting a bigger battle than Sam.
hmm…
For how long, had you and Sam been together for?
Five months? Six? I’m sorry if that seems hasty or something to you, but we were REALLY good together.
He’s my twin flame. I can prove that.