Feeling shitty seems to be a thing that’s going around.
I wish you well
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Progress
12/7/21
I’ve been practicing visualizing my room in as much detail as possible when I have my eyes closed to have a “space” I can build my familiar in. I’ve landed on the name “Ansel” because it means “protector” in Hebrew and I really like names with meaning behind them. His main purpose will be that of a protector/comforter for me and I’m just so psyched to have him come “alive.”
I was also guided by my mentor to begin working on moving my astral body also through visualization. For example, I was imagining a pencil on my desk, reaching out, holding it, then writing on paper. He told me that I could actually use this as a form of automatic writing for divinatory purposes, and while I have yet to truly play with it, it will be a useful practice for me.
I did finish linework on my drawing of Ansel, and I can already almost feel him taking form in my subconscious:
Just a note: I know that people have differing ideas about sharing your servitors and familiars with people, as they believe this would allow others to summon them, however I included failsafes in my documents on Ansel that strictly forbid him from being summoned by anyone I do not give explicit permission to. *Taps massive, throbbing brain*
I’ve neglected working with deities or demons lately, but I feel it’s alright because the only one putting pressure on me to do that is…well, me. And I’m really trying to be kinder to myself.
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A Shit Ton of Bad With Some Shining Nuggets of Good!
12/8/21
Because I’m anticipating some financial struggles very soon, I created a petition spell to Lucifer for some extra cash (specifically, this one). I get the feeling I shouldn’t really share how much I asked for, but I did first ask with my pendulum if he would be willing to help me monetarily and he said yes (note, I didn’t ask for an exact amount, just if he would help me at all), then asked if I should write down my petition like others, and he again said yes. So I did so. I didn’t burn it, but rather kept it rolled up in my purse and I will burn it when the time period is over, regardless of how much help was given. I am not expecting the full amount and will not be upset if I do not receive it because there are so many workings we’re not privy to here that it’s impossible to know if what we ask for is always best.
12/10/21 - 12/11/21
I spent most of the day yesterday crying at my desk at work because I fucking hate my job and am not sure how much longer I can take it anymore. I went to bed super early the night before and then this morning, I first emailed my work that I would be coming in at 10 instead of 8:30 just so I could sleep more, but then when I woke up, I felt so dark and awful, I emailed a second time and laid out that I needed to take a mental health day. I finally told my bosses how awful I’ve been feeling for such a long time now and…I actually got a positive response.
So I slept the rest of the day, literally 24 hours. But during that time, my familiar actually started interacting with me. He laid in bed next to me and was sapping away the worries when I would wake up randomly. I also didn’t have any nightmares despite having gone to sleep so turbulently upset. I’m not entirely sure how he fully formed so quickly; I have a feeling it was due to my extreme emotions and great desire to have him here with me. But I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I can talk to him, he can talk to me, and it’s freaking awesome. I can “see” him with my mind’s eye, not in super clear detail, but I can also sense his presence around me.
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Woah, it’s been a while!
5-31-22
I am back after not posting for several months with, sadly, very little to show for it.
The past half year has somehow felt like a lot of change while also being incredibly stagnant.
My petition spell to Lucifer (mentioned in my last journal entry) seemingly didn’t work in the way I had expected, BUT demons work in mysterious ways. I can confirm that I asked for $1,000 and, lo and behold, a different job offer came along with a sign-on bonus of $1,000 I wasn’t even aware of until after I got the job! The timeline might not have concretely been inside the framework of the petition, but I honestly can’t remember. I’m more inclined to believe my memory is faulty.
This workplace is a lot like my last job (same profession in the same field and also very very busy) BUT I feel more like part of a team here. I still stressed a lot at first about not getting enough work done, but now I find myself able to deal with that stress a lot easier, especially at a higher pay AND coworkers that are actually here during the week! I think it was clear that I do not thrive well in an incredibly busy yet lonely environment.
I’ve been hardly able to do any rituals or spells or even meditation because I have had very little motivation in my free time. I also constantly question information given to me and just feel like I haven’t had enough “proof” to show myself I’m not just imagining everything or faking it. I feel like I never spend enough time with my spirit familiar, but I don’t know how to strengthen the connection with him until it’s impossible to put him by the wayside.
My latest curiosity had been with Leviathan, as I’ve had content about him pop up as I try to navigate my depression. I know he is closely tied with water, which is the emotional element, and if he is the ruler of despair, then surely he could stem its tide. I got the go-ahead from Lucifer to seek Leviathan out, so I want to do that next. I need to get in the habit of actually keeping my grimoire up, as well.
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Can confirm Leviathan is great to work with, for healing mental health and the subconscious mind 
he is a wonderful ally, best of luck on your journey with him 
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Where has the year gone?
10-17-22
It feels kind of depressing to come back here and see that so much time has passed while I feel I just keep. Being. Stagnant. Time feels like it slips away from me so easily these past few years, and I have so many hopes and dreams that I just never seem to make any progress on because I…I don’t know. I guess I just do other things first, thinking I’ll get to them later, but then I don’t? It hurts.
I just seem to have a lot of low days and I don’t know how to make myself even TRY things that may help. I feel like I just move with the punches until I can’t anymore and break down, pleading with anyone who’s listening for at least some comfort. And at this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel relief.
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That is amazing just did some channeling for Cronus and another water deity! It was amazing. I asked him to make me feel warm and fuzzy and within less than a minute he did.