I’ve never been one to share much. I’ve usually always kept a lot to myself, deep inside, locked away in the safety of my body ‘compound.’ I’ve been experiencing a lot of blocks recently and I was having trouble figuring out why and where these blocks were stemming from. I asked and I received (be careful what you ask for, lest you not be ready).
During a meditation a while back I simultaneously heard the word ‘malachite’ and saw a flash of a green stone. After reading up on malachite I had an inkling of what was coming in regards to these blocks and asked for help in working through them. That night I had a dream in which I was holding a standard sized piece of white paper and the only word written, well, typed, on this paper was, ‘Raphael.’
So, it was to be Raphael that ripped the proverbial rug out from under me… and did he ever. A very wise and beautiful soul on this forum once said (actually, I think she’s said this several times now), that Raphael doesn’t treat the symptoms, he gets to the root of the problem… and that can be agony. And it has been agony. I felt like I was ripped apart. My heart ached more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt so vulnerable and completely lost and alone… like I was staring out at an empty Universe. I cried so hard I could barely breathe and nothing I did could lessen the pain… it just kept growing and growing. I was exposed to my worst fears, doubts, and ‘what if?’ scenarios over and over again. I was broken. I felt like I couldn’t go on. But, through it all, something inside of me kept saying, ‘No. Endure. Fight.’
After the dust settled a little bit (and with the help from the above mentioned very wise and beautiful soul), I started to have some moments of clarity and understanding, however brief they were. Things started to make sense. These blocks that I was facing, these things that were ‘holding me back…’ they were me. Self imposed. The more I focused on my fears, doubts, and ‘what if?’ scenarios, the worse the pain got, the more held back/blocked/closed off I was, and the more alone I was. When I stepped back and realized what I actually had, when I accepted and appreciated what was actually mine… when I stopped denying it all and doubting it away… that’s when I felt like ‘me’ again. That’s when the Universe became full again.
I have a habit of ‘running away’ from these spiritual things. It’s something I might talk about more in the future. I don’t know why I do it, but it has been a (thus far) lifelong habit of mine. It’s something I hope I will understand better the more I learn about myself… why I do it. I know there’s fear there, even of the ‘good’ things. I have a habit of doubt and denial. And, like I mentioned above, I have a habit of holding everything inside. Until Raphael, that is, who punctured my body so much that it all poured out. He blew open the floodgates. Nothing could stay inside anymore. No more locking things away, denying their reality in my reality.
I know you should never read for yourself when you are in an obliterated mental state, but I thought why not just some oracle cards for some guidance? Two cards kept repeatedly jumping, both with ‘Public Recognition’ as keywords. I asked for further guidance on said cards and took a much needed nap. I am excellent at reading in my dreams and receive a lot of messages that way. They usually come on a small white index card that I hold in my hand in the dream. I even have a stock photo of just that that I will write the dream messages on and put that in my dream journal. Here is the guidance/message I received:
What the ‘this’ is that the message is referring to I will talk about in another post, even though I’m terrified to. I don’t really want to, but, I have been told that it is a part of this brutal healing process. Not everything needs to be (and will be) shared. But it must be acknowledged because it is a part of me. A part of my ‘story,’ maybe the biggest part.
Not everyone wants or needs to share their personal journeys. Some do just fine keeping most of their experiences inside. I thought I was one of them, that is, until I was stuffed so full that the weight of it all almost crushed me. A lifetime of happenings that I was denying as my reality. By keeping everything stuffed deep inside of me I could stay in my comfort zone, my ‘compound,’ always walking the fine line of, ‘Maybe it’s real, maybe it isn’t.’ But it is real and by not acknowledging/fully accepting that I was denying myself my own growth. I was holding myself back. The message has been there for some time now but I kept missing it or denying it… it’s time to break these self imposed walls down.
So, what is the point of this journal, exactly? I’ve been given the ‘yes’ and the go ahead by a few someones that this journal is something that is necessary for me to grow, to keep moving forward. It’s meant for me to expose myself, what brought me to this point, and what will come after. It’s for me to start accepting my reality. My journey. My path. It’s my accountability.
We’re all here for different reasons. We all walk different paths. Some of us are more focused on our ‘Earthly’ lives, some more on the ‘out there,’ and some manage to find the perfect balance between the two. No one’s way of going about this is ‘right’ and no one’s ‘wrong.’ As for me, everything I have been doing up until this point, all of the guidance and ‘nudges’ in direction that I get from those that are ‘with me’ in this life, is more about self discovery, more than anything. Who I really am. Why I am here, where I came from, and what led to this life. My connections/bonds/relationships with a small few. My place in the Universe. Learning about and knowing myself… my true self.
So, I guess that’s the direction this journal will go until that direction changes. I only have small bits and pieces of an incredibly large puzzle right now. It’s difficult only having these small pieces and, naturally, I want to know everything all at once, but that would probably break my brain. It’s now October and I’m still reeling over some things that happened/were revealed at the beginning of this year… so, I guess baby steps it is. So, here I am… exposing myself on my journey of self discovery. I am dreading the next post in this journal, which will detail what got me to this point… but I am ready to stop holding myself back and to start moving forward.
I guess I’ll end this long winded intro post by thanking Raphael. So many times for this past little while I’ve wanted to scream at you how much I hate you for doing what you did to me, even though it was something that I asked for. I don’t hate you. This has been agonizing and it nearly broke me, but I will forever be grateful for you and your brutal lessons because, in the end, they got me to where I needed to be. Thank you. And to that very wise and beautiful soul (you know who you are) that I’ve twice mentioned now… I know I’ve said this a lot, but thank you for always being there. I’ll be forever grateful that our paths crossed.
I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s experiences, workings, the details of their journeys of self discovery, and their stories of how they got to where they are. I’ve held a lot back and kept a lot inside… for most of my life. It’s time to come out of my self imposed isolation. So, this is my story. My journal of self discovery and the lessons I learn along the way.