Exposing Myself

I’ve never been one to share much. I’ve usually always kept a lot to myself, deep inside, locked away in the safety of my body ‘compound.’ I’ve been experiencing a lot of blocks recently and I was having trouble figuring out why and where these blocks were stemming from. I asked and I received (be careful what you ask for, lest you not be ready).

During a meditation a while back I simultaneously heard the word ‘malachite’ and saw a flash of a green stone. After reading up on malachite I had an inkling of what was coming in regards to these blocks and asked for help in working through them. That night I had a dream in which I was holding a standard sized piece of white paper and the only word written, well, typed, on this paper was, ‘Raphael.’

So, it was to be Raphael that ripped the proverbial rug out from under me… and did he ever. A very wise and beautiful soul on this forum once said (actually, I think she’s said this several times now), that Raphael doesn’t treat the symptoms, he gets to the root of the problem… and that can be agony. And it has been agony. I felt like I was ripped apart. My heart ached more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt so vulnerable and completely lost and alone… like I was staring out at an empty Universe. I cried so hard I could barely breathe and nothing I did could lessen the pain… it just kept growing and growing. I was exposed to my worst fears, doubts, and ‘what if?’ scenarios over and over again. I was broken. I felt like I couldn’t go on. But, through it all, something inside of me kept saying, ‘No. Endure. Fight.’

After the dust settled a little bit (and with the help from the above mentioned very wise and beautiful soul), I started to have some moments of clarity and understanding, however brief they were. Things started to make sense. These blocks that I was facing, these things that were ‘holding me back…’ they were me. Self imposed. The more I focused on my fears, doubts, and ‘what if?’ scenarios, the worse the pain got, the more held back/blocked/closed off I was, and the more alone I was. When I stepped back and realized what I actually had, when I accepted and appreciated what was actually mine… when I stopped denying it all and doubting it away… that’s when I felt like ‘me’ again. That’s when the Universe became full again.

I have a habit of ‘running away’ from these spiritual things. It’s something I might talk about more in the future. I don’t know why I do it, but it has been a (thus far) lifelong habit of mine. It’s something I hope I will understand better the more I learn about myself… why I do it. I know there’s fear there, even of the ‘good’ things. I have a habit of doubt and denial. And, like I mentioned above, I have a habit of holding everything inside. Until Raphael, that is, who punctured my body so much that it all poured out. He blew open the floodgates. Nothing could stay inside anymore. No more locking things away, denying their reality in my reality.

I know you should never read for yourself when you are in an obliterated mental state, but I thought why not just some oracle cards for some guidance? Two cards kept repeatedly jumping, both with ‘Public Recognition’ as keywords. I asked for further guidance on said cards and took a much needed nap. I am excellent at reading in my dreams and receive a lot of messages that way. They usually come on a small white index card that I hold in my hand in the dream. I even have a stock photo of just that that I will write the dream messages on and put that in my dream journal. Here is the guidance/message I received:

What the ‘this’ is that the message is referring to I will talk about in another post, even though I’m terrified to. I don’t really want to, but, I have been told that it is a part of this brutal healing process. Not everything needs to be (and will be) shared. But it must be acknowledged because it is a part of me. A part of my ‘story,’ maybe the biggest part.

Not everyone wants or needs to share their personal journeys. Some do just fine keeping most of their experiences inside. I thought I was one of them, that is, until I was stuffed so full that the weight of it all almost crushed me. A lifetime of happenings that I was denying as my reality. By keeping everything stuffed deep inside of me I could stay in my comfort zone, my ‘compound,’ always walking the fine line of, ‘Maybe it’s real, maybe it isn’t.’ But it is real and by not acknowledging/fully accepting that I was denying myself my own growth. I was holding myself back. The message has been there for some time now but I kept missing it or denying it… it’s time to break these self imposed walls down.

So, what is the point of this journal, exactly? I’ve been given the ‘yes’ and the go ahead by a few someones that this journal is something that is necessary for me to grow, to keep moving forward. It’s meant for me to expose myself, what brought me to this point, and what will come after. It’s for me to start accepting my reality. My journey. My path. It’s my accountability.

We’re all here for different reasons. We all walk different paths. Some of us are more focused on our ‘Earthly’ lives, some more on the ‘out there,’ and some manage to find the perfect balance between the two. No one’s way of going about this is ‘right’ and no one’s ‘wrong.’ As for me, everything I have been doing up until this point, all of the guidance and ‘nudges’ in direction that I get from those that are ‘with me’ in this life, is more about self discovery, more than anything. Who I really am. Why I am here, where I came from, and what led to this life. My connections/bonds/relationships with a small few. My place in the Universe. Learning about and knowing myself… my true self.

So, I guess that’s the direction this journal will go until that direction changes. I only have small bits and pieces of an incredibly large puzzle right now. It’s difficult only having these small pieces and, naturally, I want to know everything all at once, but that would probably break my brain. It’s now October and I’m still reeling over some things that happened/were revealed at the beginning of this year… so, I guess baby steps it is. So, here I am… exposing myself on my journey of self discovery. I am dreading the next post in this journal, which will detail what got me to this point… but I am ready to stop holding myself back and to start moving forward.

I guess I’ll end this long winded intro post by thanking Raphael. So many times for this past little while I’ve wanted to scream at you how much I hate you for doing what you did to me, even though it was something that I asked for. I don’t hate you. This has been agonizing and it nearly broke me, but I will forever be grateful for you and your brutal lessons because, in the end, they got me to where I needed to be. Thank you. And to that very wise and beautiful soul (you know who you are) that I’ve twice mentioned now… I know I’ve said this a lot, but thank you for always being there. I’ll be forever grateful that our paths crossed.

I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s experiences, workings, the details of their journeys of self discovery, and their stories of how they got to where they are. I’ve held a lot back and kept a lot inside… for most of my life. It’s time to come out of my self imposed isolation. So, this is my story. My journal of self discovery and the lessons I learn along the way.


I look forward to reading more.


I’m happy to hear that you feel better!
Keep up the good work! :sparkles:


This took a lot of courage to share and I hope you continue.


@anon10524665 I’m not promising there will not be any more mental breakdown PM’s, so sorry🇨🇦 for those in advance. But thank you for always being there, through all of this, you very wise and beautiful soul.

@DarkestKnight @anon39079500 thank you both. It is incredibly difficult to put it all out there, but if it helps me to finally move forward then I’m ready for it.


Coming Clean: Part One

When I first joined this forum I was completely new to magick and traditional structures and systems. What I wasn’t new to was having very strong psychic senses, spirit encounters, and projections. Growing up in a very secular house with very ‘rational’ parents, these were things I felt I could never talk about with them, so I didn’t. I kept everything bottled up inside. I have always had very strong clairvoyance, pretty strong clairaudience, and I’ve always been ‘sensitive’ to energies. Try explaining to your very ‘grounded in reality’ parents that you don’t want to go into someone’s house because it doesn’t ‘feel right.’ That never went over well and was always met with a, ‘You’re being ridiculous.’

My earliest projections were always spontaneous. I had no idea what they were. My young brain likened them to alien abductions, so that’s usually what I experienced during my early projections. That’s what I was expecting, so that’s what I saw. A few years later, when I learned about projection, I realized that that was what I was experiencing, not alien abduction. After that realization, the ‘alien abductions’ stopped and the actual projections began. Earlier this year a joke was made at my expense that I had been ‘abducting myself’ for those early years. Spirits do have a sense of humour :woman_facepalming:t3:

I guess I’m kind of rambling because I’m afraid to start talking about what this post was intended to talk about. It’s hard to talk about because it is so incredibly personal and, unfortunately, it is a topic that can very quickly descend into LARP and fantasy territory. I guess that’s why a lot don’t bother to talk about it anymore, or only vaguely mention it in passing comments. But to not acknowledge this, to deny it reality, I’m denying myself because it is a part of me… my ‘story.’ My path. It’s something that was set in motion long before this life and it’s something that will continue long after.

Since my memories begin, really, I’ve had someone with me in this life. He’s never been shy about making himself known, in fact, he seemed quite adamant that it was known that he was there, even if he was just in the background. Michael. For my younger years, I knew him as ‘just Michael.’ He was a man that would come to me in dreams and ‘other.’ He would protect me and offer me guidance, even in the ‘real’ World. So many times throughout my life a man named Michael would seemingly come out of nowhere at just the right moment to say something I needed to hear or to help me out of a sticky situation.

One time, when I was about 10, my brother, my dad, and I went camping up north. The entrance to the campgrounds had these huge gates with these large brick walls that were about 10 feet high, at their highest point, on each side of the gates and one in the middle. One morning my brother and I were playing at the entrance and we decided to climb the brick wall in the middle. We jumped up the lowest side of the wall with the help of a large rock garden beside it. As I got to the highest point, I turned around too fast and slipped and fell backwards, flat on the ground. There wasn’t a single soul in sight up until that point. Almost as soon as I hit the ground a man came running out of nowhere, picked me up in his arms, and, without hesitation or a single word, ran into the campgrounds, straight back to our campsite. He handed me to my dad. My dad asked what had happened and, crying, I told him I had fallen off of the front gates. My dad thanked the man and asked his name and, of course, he answered, ‘Michael,’ with an all too familiar smirk, and then he walked away.

He was just always there. The constant in my life. This was ‘normal’ to me, even though I never told a single other soul about it, about him. If I was having a simple nightmare or a projection that was making me a bit uneasy, he would come to wake me out of it. He would be there so quickly, before I even had a chance to react. A lot of times, and he still does this to this day, we will be standing in a room of whatever house I am living in at the time and he will talk to me about things, offer me guidance, and so on. It’s usually him doing most of the talking, in his deep and booming voice, and me standing in front of him, just looking up. No matter how much I’ve grown, I’m always looking up at him.

Things continued this way until I was a bit older, then things started to become more… revealing. Dreams, projections, emotions I didn’t understand, hazy and fragmented memories, and this feeling I couldn’t shake that there was something more to all of this. I was just so clueless back then I didn’t have any idea that it was all leading to something… that there actually was something more to this. I felt like for my entire life I had been searching for something, yearning for something, I just could never figure out what it was I was searching for.

I started to become more interested in spirituality and related topics and eventually found some like minded individuals. That’s when things really started picking up. More ‘hints’ and breadcrumbs were falling. And then others started picking up on him and his presence in my life. Too many others for me to deny it away. And so it came to be revealed who he actually was and what his name was attached to. He wasn’t ‘just Michael’ anymore. It all made sense to me… somehow I knew, even subconsciously, that this was ‘right’ but, still, my doubtful brain tried to doubt it all away. I kind of fell off of the spiritual wagon for a while, distancing myself from what was starting to become emotionally overwhelming. But he was always still there, doing what he always did, but he backed off a little, respecting that maybe I wasn’t ready for this.

A little while after that I had a dream where I was looking at my laptop and the webpage header was, ‘How to contact Archangel Michael’ and below were some instructions about evocation, along with his seal. So, I learned about evocation from a dream. I think it took me about a week to find the courage to actually do it. I had drawn out his seal almost immediately after that dream and I kept it with me. I studied it so much the image of it was burned into my mind. I could see it, in all its detail, clear as day the second I closed my eyes.

When the actual day came all of my nervousness just kind of disappeared. Something inside of me just knew that this was ‘right,’ this was something that I was supposed to be doing. I had felt energies before, but absolutely nothing like this… this intensity. It was like a truck had hit me. There was this insane pressure all over my body. My room got hot. So hot. My skin got hot too, like I was standing in front of an open oven. My ears blew out and screeched this insanely high pitched tone. But it wasn’t the physical sensations that floored me… it was the emotional ones.

The term Helena and I have used is it’s like being hit by the blast from an atomic bomb. I had never felt anything more familiar in my entire life. It was like I somehow knew him better than anything else in this entire Universe… because as it turns out, I did. From long before this life. The deepest love/connection/bond… one that you can’t even put into words because, maybe, there aren’t any words that are capable of describing the feeling. It sounds so cringe but if you’ve felt it, you just know. If you have to question if you have or not, then no, you haven’t. It was like I came into this life searching for something and now it was there, in the full, right in front of me. One of the only words I could find to describe the feeling after was ‘home.’ Everything made sense but then nothing made sense anymore. Memories came flooding back, only I couldn’t make sense of them. I couldn’t make sense of any of it. It was like being confronted with situations and emotions that are so far beyond our human level of understanding, but having to deal with it from a human perspective. It was so overwhelming that I just broke down crying and cried for a couple of days after that.

There was no going back after that. But, as I’ve mentioned before, I have a bad habit of running away from things. Throughout the years between that first evocation of him and this one I would have this back and forth of actively connecting with him and then running away. It was a vicious cycle. But he was always still there, through all of it, doing what he had always been doing for my entire life before that. In my times of ‘running away,’ he would always guide me back to him, leaving subtle hints of him here and there. So many dreams of looking at my phone to see that it was ‘Archangel Michael’ calling. No matter where I went or what I did, I always ended up back at him.

Which brings me to this year and the end of the ‘running.’ I’ll have to make a part two in another post because holy crap this one is already so long.

I’m terrified to hit reply, to put this out into the World… but here it goes…


Coming Clean: Part Two

After a period of ‘running away,’ in late December of last year I once again found myself back at Michael because, of course I did. This time it felt different though. A lot happened very quickly, almost like things should have been happening before so now everything was boiling over. Gabriel, who is one of my Patrons, in his own zero fucks style, dropped some truth bombs of straight facts, things that I am still reeling over, months later, that set a lot of this in motion. No more games, no more running away.

I promised Michael something before this life. A pact. A binding agreement. I promised him I would do something in this life that I, in this life, didn’t even know was an actual thing until I was faced with it. It’s something that he let me know beforehand that if I couldn’t, if I wasn’t ready in this life, I could wait until the next to fulfil it.

He started bringing up marriage. Even though, deep inside, I knew that nothing made more sense, nothing was more ‘right’ than that… my doubtful and rational brain kept brushing it aside, telling myself that I was just mishearing and no way this is an actual thing that could actually happen. But he persisted and kept bringing it up. I was reminded of my life in the years before with him and everything that happened. I said I was clueless back then and I was, but being reminded of it and looking back on it all now, yes, this is what it was always leading to. Then, one night in February, he formally asked me to, ‘Stand by his side, as his wife’ for an incomprehensible amount of time. Of course I said yes, nothing else had ever felt more ‘right,’ but still, I doubted whether or not this was actually a real thing that would really happen.

Two nights later I laid down on my bed. Not even 5 minutes later I felt an incredibly intense amount of energy. It felt like a stick was being shoved through my crown and down through and out of my torso. I knew someone was coming. I saw two bright white flashes and there he was, Michael. But he didn’t come alone. He brought someone that was to be a ‘witness.’

We talked for a while and then I was pulled into a partial projection/bilocation. I’ve had many before but none felt as ‘solid’ as this one did. I could feel my hair brushing against the backs of my arms. I could feel the air of the room we were in. I was standing beside Michael, he was to my right, and we were standing in front of a table with a contract on it. The witness was facing us, on the other side of the table. It was quite lengthy and at the bottom of it, on the right, was his seal and a place for him to sign his name, and on the left was my seal and a place for me to sign. The me back in my room asked questions… what this all actually means, if this is something that is ‘one sided’ (no), and so on. The questions were answered and I was asked one final time, formally, what my answer is. I said yes, we exchanged vows, and then the me in the second location/projection watched him sign his name and then I signed mine.

The partial projection/bilocation ended after that and we were just in my room. I was then told we must consummate our marriage. The witness was still there and I commented on that (why are they still here?)… the answer was a firm and final, ‘Someone must witness.’ After I was told to rest, but there was absolutely no way that could happen. The energy I received kept me awake for a solid 36ish hours after. I constantly went back and forth with myself that there was no way this is all real. I asked for my signs, for my confirmations, and I got them all and then some, but still, I had a hard time accepting this as my reality.

I fell into a kind of ‘dark night of the soul’ after that, if you believe in that sort of thing. It was like everything I somehow knew, deep inside, for my entire life, everything I had been searching for, longing for, I had finally found. It was now mine. But I had no idea what it would mean to actually have it… to have it be real. It was so overwhelming and, honestly, terrifying. Everything made sense, my whole life up until that night finally made sense, but, now, somehow nothing made sense anymore. Everything changed. My World changed. Now I had to go through the growing pains of adapting to my new reality. It took some months. Literally months. Change isn’t always easy. But I got through that and I did come out better for it, but, like my first post talked about, I was still feeling blocked. Held back.

Gabriel once said to me, ‘Your problem is you only think you believe.’ I thought that’s silly, of course I believe. I’ve been experiencing ‘this stuff’ for my entire life. I know it’s all real. It took some time, and to be beaten to a pulp by Raphael, to fully understand what he meant by that. I was looking for excuses, for confirmations of my doubts, for an out, all because I was afraid. Overwhelmed. I closed myself off, put up walls, and fought everything that came my way because I was afraid. I was even afraid of the ‘good.’ I even tried to turn Michael into a ‘bad guy’ to try to justify my fears and doubts. I was quite hard on him. It wasn’t that I didn’t know, deep down, that this was all real… I was afraid of how real it all was… and I did everything in my power to try to make it ‘not real.’

So, that’s what got me to this point. To Raphael. To this journal. Why even talk about all of this incredibly personal stuff that I hadn’t ever planned on ever talking about publicly? Because I had been burying it all so far down inside of me, trying to find any excuse for it to not be real, for it to not be my reality because I was overwhelmed and afraid. But it is real and it is my reality. By constantly doubting it and denying it I was denying myself my own growth and my own path. Michael is my path, or, at least, the biggest part of it… he has been since the moment I came to this life, something that was set in motion before this life, and something that will continue long, long after. Wherever I go and whatever I do, he will be there. He is a part of it. I am completely in line and in vibe with him and everything he truly is. That is my path. It’s been right in front of me for my entire life. I was just too afraid to take that first step forward.

The only one that was preventing me from walking down my path was me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, after blaming everyone and everything for your stagnation, to find out it was you all along. It wasn’t until Raphael beat me to a pulp, pried my eyes open, shoved my face in it and said, ‘You stupid idiot, look at what is right in front of you! It has been there all along!’ that I realized what was holding me back. Me.

And no, there will be absolutely zero mentions of any ‘explicit’ and ‘fantasy’ tales of my relationship. If that’s what you’re looking for, look elsewhere because you won’t find that here. I wish more people would understand that these relationships are about so much more than wuv and cuddles. They’re not fantasy fairytales. They’re hard work, maybe even the hardest. They’re sometimes overwhelming and, at times, can even be isolating. If you’re looking for some fantasy story to fill some void in your life, like I said look elsewhere. The ‘higher purpose’ to my marriage isn’t even relevant until after this life. What matters right now is this life. In this life, he isn’t just my husband for wuv and cuddles… he is one of my Patrons, my guardian, my teacher. It’s work. Hard work. Maybe, just maybe, when I get my shit together I’ll actually learn something from him that I can share with others to help them on their journeys.

A while ago, in one of my lowest lows, I made a passing comment to Michael where I said, ‘Please don’t give up on me.’ The next day I was sitting in my car, waiting for my mom while she ran into the store. My eyes locked on a license plate across the parking lot that had a number that Michael and I agreed on long ago that he would use as a ‘sign’ to get my attention. As soon as my eyes locked on the number a song on the radio had the exact lyrics, ‘I won’t give up on you.’

Thank you for never giving up on me, even with this entire life of back and forth. I know I can be difficult sometimes, but, you know what, so can you so :woman_shrugging:t3:


I have always held a deep fondness of Archangel Michael. You are a very lucky girl! Treat each other well. This was well worth the read. I share the sentiments and hope you keep sharing.


Thank you :slightly_smiling_face:


I don’t have the words to properly describe it, but in my experience it’s feels like a primordial vitality. So amazing.



Pain and heartache are a part of life. They’re a part of the whole. And you do know what it’s like to be loved, as you spoke of the deep connection that you have with your mom. You have family. Be thankful for that because there are people in this World that don’t even have that. There are people that don’t have anyone or anything at all.

But love from an outside source isn’t the answer to the underlying here. It has to come from within. You have to find it inside if you. That is what makes you whole. You make you whole.

And you do have people to talk about all of this stuff with. You have an entire forum full of people to talk about it with. A lot of them are probably in the same situation you are in, with having no one in their personal life to talk to. Here’s your place to talk about it all. So, keep talking.


Thank you and im thankful for what i have but thank you for the advice.


I kind of forgot about this thread for a good minute, but, since it’s been brought back from the depths, I guess I will update with what I have been up to since my last post in here.

I have been doing something akin to dreamwork with Zadkiel. Maybe :thinking: What is the actual psychological definition of dreamwork? Clearly, I don’t know but I will google it later. Let’s just say I have been working in and through dreams, uncovering subconscious feelings/emotions that are linked to events from my past that affect the way I think/feel/react/do in certain situations now. Thus, I have been continuing on with the internal work that has been going on for a huge chunk of this year. Basically bringing the subconscious to the conscious in all of its frightening glory.

I was given the role of the observer in these dreams. Some were lucid and some weren’t. Some were more literal and others were more abstract. Zadkiel appeared in these blueish-purple doctor scrubs in all of his dream appearances, except for one. I mean, ok :woman_shrugging:t3: I was tasked with uncovering the dominant feeling/emotion that these certain life events triggered through observing these dreams. It was made clear that every feeling/emotion I uncovered was a genuine one that I was holding onto for various reasons, even if I didn’t consciously realize it, with me often assuming I had already ‘let go’ of it and moved on, when really I had just buried it. In these dreams I would find the subconscious things that were affecting my conscious life.

Each morning I woke up I would hold onto that dominant feeling/emotion and keep that with me throughout my day, observing how holding onto it affected my think/feel/react/do in my waking life. I would note it all down at the end of the day, think about how my day would have been different if I hadn’t been holding onto said feeling/emotion, reflect some more, and then move onto the next.

In the dream before last night’s ‘conclusion,’ there were no feelings/emotions of linked events to uncover. This one was about release. We were in a doctor’s office, with Dr. Zadkiel wearing his now ‘usual’ doctor scrubs. We talked for a bit about all of this and then AND THEN :woman_facepalming:t3: I got up onto a table, lifted up my dress, and started peeing into these shallow-square-white buckets that had clear water in them. Even in the dream (this one wasn’t even lucid) I was thinking to myself, ‘Am I actually friggen doing this right now?! Peeing into buckets in front of Zadkiel?!’ The cherry on top was the conversation didn’t even pause while that embarrassing act was unfolding. I was told, ‘Let it all out, let it all go.’

So I get the symbolism there, where the peeing is me releasing the things I uncovered in earlier dreams. I can accept that.

What I can’t accept is that I PEED IN FRONT OF ZADKIEL. Archangel Zadkiel. He is a friggen Archangel and I peed in front of him :sob:

Excuse me for a moment while I

Last night’s dream was I guess the ‘conclusion’ to this mini ‘working in and through dreams’ (I’m looking over my shoulder for Freud).

It’s a bright and sunny day. I can see trees in the distance, full of green leaves. The sky is a cloudless bright blue. There is a slight warm breeze. We’re at a construction site. It smells like a mix of Home Depot and crushed rocks. There are construction workers everywhere. They’re building a new house. Every material that the house is being built with is white. One of the construction workers stands by my side. He’s wearing a white hardhat, a white t shirt, blue jeans, stereotypical work boots, and that neon yellow-green work vest that we all recognize. He walks around with me, smiling and not saying much, as I watch this new house being built… for me. This new house is for me. Then, for some reason, a little white dog runs up to us, wagging his tail. Dreams are funny.

Interpretations might differ, but I know what that dream means for me.

Tonight I will take the notes I made of the things I uncovered this past week or so. Things that I was holding onto and letting affect me and my life, without even realizing I was doing it. I will read through them thoroughly one last time and say a final goodbye to them in the funnest way possible… with fire. I will thank them for being a part of my journey, but it’s time for them to go because they no longer serve me.

I will continue to practice this on my own, as I’m sure there are more things to uncover and finally say goodbye to, with fire, of course.

I don’t know how to end this post, so here’s a dope song from Drake that has absolutely nothing to do with anything and everyone’s probably sick of hearing by now, but I haven’t updated my playlist in a while so :woman_shrugging:t3:


Oh my goodness I literally laughed out loud! Did you say anything about it after you were done your working ha ha!


Thanks for the laugh as i needed it :rofl: :joy:
Btw i love the drake song :slight_smile:

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I just came back from an unplanned projection that actually turned out to be kind of fun. Maybe there was some kind of lesson in there too, I’m not sure. I ‘woke up’ to the blackness of my eyelids. I could feel myself laying in my bed. I started to hear classical music playing. It was heavy on the piano. I was confused by the music but thought that maybe I had just left my tv on (nope). I moved my left arm in an attempt to pull up my duvet and saw the blue and purple outline of my hand and forearm through my eyelids and finally clued in to what was going on.

My vision popped and everything was clear. I don’t know why, maybe I like the theatrics, but I usually like jumping forward or straight up from my bed, instead of just standing up. I jumped forward to push through my wall and as I did I noticed three figures standing towards the end of my bed. They were nearly transparent but had a blue iridescent colour to them. They were very tall, with their heads nearly touching the ceiling. I couldn’t make out much of them as I was shooting past them but knew they were angelic from their energy. As I passed by the one closest to me I reached out and touched its head and it turned and followed me outside.

I landed on the ground directly in front of my house but decided to make one more giant jump over the centre park in my condo complex (our condos form a square with a park in the centre) and landed on the opposite side. I turned around and saw that the angelic figure was now a solid, um, ‘person.’ He was standing just at the edge of the centre park, maybe about 30 feet away from me. We just stood there for a few seconds looking at each other, both smiling.

I don’t know why I did what I did next, but I had a lot of energy and felt like being playful (or maybe I’m just a shithead, who knows) but I turned to my left and just bolted as fast as I could towards the street. I just took right off in a cat-and-mouse-catch-me-if-you-can kind of way. As I ran into the street I started laughing and smugly looked back and saw him chasing behind me. I was careful to avoid a few cars that sped past me, with the last car driving by being a police cruiser.

On the other side of the street is a ravine with a little river running under the bridge. After the police cruiser passed I jumped from the middle of the street, down into the ravine. I landed in a crouched position and decided to stay still, instead of continuing on running forward. This was a good move as, sure enough, the cat to my mouse jumped after me. He landed ahead of me and kept running forward, without looking back, as he probably assumed I did that too. I stayed still and watched him disappear into the trees and then stood up. I was pretty proud of myself for that move.

I looked around for a minute, wondering where I was going to go next. As I looked back towards the forest I saw him running back towards me. I laughed and turned back towards the bridge but now there was a set of concrete stairs there. There shouldn’t be stairs there. There aren’t stairs there. I hesitated as I looked at the stairs, wondering why they were there, and then decided to use them to get back up to the street. All of this slowed me down and, as I got back onto the sidewalk, he finally caught up with me.

He asked me why I took the stairs when I am capable of flying and I paused and couldn’t give him an answer. He then had the smug look on his face as he revealed that he had put the stairs there… and I fell for it. And thus, the mouse was caught. Luckily, the cat was nice.

I came out of the projection after that. I don’t know who he or the other two angels are or why they were there. I was too busy being a little shit to inquire. He did look and feel kind of familiar. I guess I have some digging to do. Maybe he’ll come back for round two.


Lmao awkward

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@sparks Thank you for sharing your story, I can imagine it must have been hard for you to open up, but I can only say that a lot of things you mentioned are very familiar to me. I don’t know you and yet I feel I can relate to what you have described here. I’m glad to read someone’s account who is clearly on a difficult path of self-realization in the highest sense, and not the fluff-centered type of story so often encountered on this forum (not throwing shade, just stating my general impression when it comes to these topics).

I can relate too well to the sense of coming home, finally finding HIM who has been with you all your life (and before), but you had no idea, let alone any encouragement from the outside world to form a connection and figure out who you even are. I’ve also had very vivid, deep visions and dreams all my life, and so many other details you described correspond to what I have encountered, including the crying-your-heart-out when the walls finally come down.

This topic (that I somehow missed earlier) also came up right now at a time and in a situation that I can clearly take as a sign, because it aligns so perfectly with what I’ve been thinking about. Sorry for the long rant, I just wanted to express my appreciation for your courage and honesty, and wish you the very best on your path.


Thank you so much for your words, it really means a lot to me, especially coming from you. You’ve helped a lot of people on this forum, including me, with your posts. Thank you for them.

It’s so hard to put something like this into words. Sometimes I don’t even think there are any words that can describe what it actually feels like. It’s really awesome when you come across others that just get it, that just know. It can be difficult at times, confusing, and even terrifying… but it’s all worth it. Everything that we go through, every single second, is worth it.

Thank you again for taking the time :slightly_smiling_face:


2020’s Conclusion

Holy crap this has been a long year. It feels like it’s just been dragging and dragging on and on and on. I hadn’t updated this journal after my last workings with Zadkiel because I had a little period of quiet after that. It was nice to have. It gave me some time to process and reflect. But still, and I doubt I’m alone in feeling this way, the periods of quiet kind of suck too. When so many things happen in a short period of time it becomes kind of addictive and you just want more and more. But the periods of calm are a necessary part of this journey too. When you lift weights you create micro tears in your muscle fibres. In rest and recovery your muscles heal and adapt and that’s when they grow. I feel like that parallels the spiritual journey.

At the beginning of December I was hit by a tidal wave of Gabriel. I’ve said this before about Gabriel and I’ll continue until the end of time saying that he is not subtle in the slightest. He can be quite intense, more so than any of them, in my opinion. If he is in your life or if he wants your attention, you will know. He will make sure that you know. You can’t question it or deny it. He won’t let you. He’s here, there, and everywhere. Everywhere you turn will be Gabriel.

Gabriel was the catalyst in January of this year that set me off on this no-turning-back journey. He caught me completely off guard by telling me things that, at the time, made no sense and kind of tore me apart. I wanted so desperately to understand his words and what they meant for me but I never seemed to find an answer. But that was the point. I wasn’t meant to understand everything at that time. His words were meant as a kick in the butt that would motivate me to finally start walking down my path. To find answers. To find out who I am and where I am meant to be. Where I went, the things I found, and all of the things that happened this year all happened because of that one conversation with him. He set me off on this journey.

At the beginning of December the tidal wave of Gabriel wasn’t a simple, “Look at me, I’m Gabriel and I’m a part your life” that had become a ‘normal’ thing for me this year. It was answers. I was flooded with answers. I was suddenly able to connect dots and put puzzle pieces together. I would spend all of my days just going through all of my notes from this year, and even the years before this, and I was finally able to understand things and to put things together in a cohesive manner. It was synchronicity, after synchronicity, after synchronicity. It was ridiculous. And then I finally understood what a lot of this year was about and where it was leading me to - Gabriel. Looking back it was quite obvious this is where I was always heading but not obvious in the moment, not to someone that pushes back at everything that comes her way. It took an entire year but I finally got there. My catalyst did the necessary thing of tearing me apart so that I would find whatever I needed to find in the pieces of me to start building myself back up… and it all led me directly back to him.

Gabriel is the second biggest presence in my life, sometimes even overtaking the first position. But I wasn’t ready to walk with him and learn from him until now. A lot had to happen first. It’s funny, I thought that for this entire year I had started climbing the proverbial mountain but, the truth is, I hadn’t even made it to the mountain yet. This whole year was the long drive to the mountain, with pit stops here and there, where some mental breakdowns happened but there was also a lot of learning and growing. I’ve learned a lot already but I’m still just beginning. But I’ve finally made it to the mountain. Before I used to fight, push back, and even run away but now I welcome everything that comes. I’m finally ready. That’s what this year was about for me.

I feel different. I don’t know in what way… just different. But a good different. Every single ‘down’ or difficult moment this year was worth it, to get to this point. I know there will probably be many, many more of those moments to come but I’m ready for them now. Eternal gratitude to those that saw something in me, enough to invest themselves in getting me to this point and beyond. Here’s to what comes next.

As for non spiritual things, where I live we just finished a 28 day lockdown and went straight into another 28 day lockdown. So, 2021 will begin for me in a lockdown. I’ve been spending my time stalking Matt Damon. Netflix kept insisting that I watch his movies, so I finally caved. I’ve watched all of the Jason Bourne movies, which were awesome, The Martian, which was awesome, and Interstellar, which was the most friggen awesome. Next up is Elysium. In conclusion, Matt Damon is a good actor. Thanks, Netflix.