Hello everybody, I’d like to introduce myself, tell some bits of my life that still burden me and ask for your advice. I apologise in advance for the block of text. My name is Crazy Plant Lady (same as a crazy cat lady, but with plants ). I’m in my late 20s and live in Europe.
I started my spiritual journey ten years ago but didn’t know anything about magick. Since I was 18 I have had lucid dreams, astral projections and could feel other people thoughts and emotions. I used to practice the law of attraction which I now see as the watered down version of magick. I never quite resonated with it entirely because I feel more sure doing a ritual with angels and demons than „daydreaming into the universe and hoping for the best“. I still think it works though, I suppose it’s just a matter of personal preference. I also read Tarot.
Speaking of magick, I’m still new into LHP. Before that, I think I actually brainwashed myself while reading about love & light, karma and divine balance. Now, I’m still using magick for bettering myself and do not believe in harming others for shit and giggles, but am ready to defend myself if that kind of situation arises. Enough with the victim mentality and waiting for karma to punish bad people.
My life was always emotionally heavy. I’ve lived through serious health issues that lasted for years, bullying, narcissistic abusive mother and my father that had a mistress who was my age. The lady was constantly harassing me, calling me, sending me messages and we almost lost our house because “she wanted to live in it“ while my father was completely blind. At the time I blamed myself for causing that situation because I thought I had brought that bad energy into our lives for messing with the astral realm which I now know is not the case. Looking back I think she did some spells because everyone was behaving very unlikely but it’s not important anymore.
I used to have a fighter mentality and even managed to graduate with honours, top of my class when I got my Master’s degree at my Uni. All of that while being severely ill and abused.
I met a guy unexpectedly. We were completely opposite in every aspect of life and I wouldn’t even consider him but the intensity of the connection was out of this world. I’ve never experienced something like that in my life, like we were telepathically connected. We talked for more than a year and he was very into me, seemed to be fascinated with everything I do and my life in general. He literally BEGGED me to come and visit him and stay at his place. At first, I was hesitant, because I was afraid that it would be too intense but he was very sweet and obviously completely in love. What could go wrong, right?
Well, it all went to shit, pretty quickly.
I finally decided to visit and from the moment he saw me he was like 'Oh, you came. ’ I mean he didn’t say that but that was the overall energy. He wouldn’t talk at all, just basic stuff like are you hungry and such. And it’s not that we haven’t seen each other in person, we met a few times in the city halfway from both and talked for hours. Apart from that, we were talking on a phone for around 5 hours every single day. It’s not like he saw me the first time in person and was like ‘Oh, she’s ugly, I’m not interested anymore’. I would understand that, but this was completely illogical. I tried to start a conversation, be polite, not to be in his way, but he seemed very irritated with me and my conversation starters. At one point I was like ‘Do you want me to go home? I can see that I’m going on your nerves (doing nothing, but ok).’ He said nooo noo, why do you think that way? Like everything was fine.
I mean, I’m really not high maintenance, I’m not a flashy person, I’m not loud, annoying or anything like that but I was his guest and he was completely ignoring me. After he begged me for a year to be with him. I mean what?
And I won’t forget this for life. We were in public, sitting in silence as always.
After I asked for a few times ‘Is everything ok, am I doing anything wrong?’ He went completely nuts, calling me annoying, needy, clingy, childish, immature, stupid and so on. He was basically yelling at me. I stood there in a complete shock, I literally couldn’t process what just happened. I tried to hold myself together but I just couldn’t. I started crying, quietly, because I didn’t want him to see it and call me weak. Well, he did eventually notice it and started laughing to my face, as I proved myself being ‘overly emotional and dramatic’. I felt disgusted, disrespected and humiliated. Like it wasn’t the same guy. Like he changed overnight and by overnight I mean literally - 12 hours. From sweet and caring to aggressive.
The day after that I went home and called him from a safe distance to tell him I don’t want to stay in this connection anymore. He was furious, aggressive, calling me names, etc.
I was relieved - phew good riddance, I don’t need that in my life. We are in no contact till this day. 5 days later it started to hurt like a MF. And I’m ashamed to say this but I was bedridden for a whole year. The energy was so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed. I was thinking of him every minute I was awake, it was exhausting and draining. I felt disgusted with myself because I was madly in love with someone who was treating me like crap. I stumbled upon the term “twin flames” and was following that matter everywhere I could. Nowadays, I think it’s a toxic concept with the most problematic runner/chaser phase. Just be a good girl and wait for him to come to his mind. That way of thinking was seriously damaging because I had depression and that crew was like “just be positive and the universe will deliver”. I couldn’t think positively and I hated myself even more for it.
That said, I still have no idea what happened that day. Was it really some sort of soul connection? Was I under a spell? I mean that’s highly unlikely because he’s a 100% materialistic person, doesn’t believe in anything “otherwordly”, even made fun of me when I mentioned benign words such as “intuition” or “energy” in that context. Was I just manipulated by an idiot? Whatever it is, I seem to be blocked for finding out the truth. As I mentioned before, I read Tarot, and while being able to read accurately for my friends and other people, when it comes to me, my mind is blank. I contacted a few readers and psychics but I didn’t resonate with the stuff they told me as it sounded overly fluffy and comforting (and a bit scammy). I contacted Dantalion about the situation but the answers were all around the place.
I am humbly asking you to give me an advice, how does it look to you? What should I do? I am not in pain anymore but it’s still and obstacle and I seem to be unable to fully continue with my life.
Thank you to everyone who has read this, I’m a bit ashamed because all of this sounds like teenage angst, but it is what it is.
On the brighter side, let’s be friends because the magickal path is often lonely and it’s good to have support in any way. English is not my first language so I apologise for possible mistakes.