Can you kill your higher self?

Black Magick & The Left Hand Path
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Lets say you ever find yourself in a position where you’re so horrified by the lack of integrity and dignity - not just in existence here but existence across all planes that you really get the sense that it’s a hell without end with only varying shades of misery and no bottom-line truth to be found anywhere, forever, since anything that literally exists is bound to it’s own necessity and thus perpetual lying or needing to economically stab up anyone whose not you if you don’t want to be subjugated by society (ie. become a millionaire to retire early so the guy down the street can’t pay for his kid’s cancer or diabetes medicine). You’re horrified that this world of cannibalism exists at all. You’re horrified by the inescapable nature of Darwinian game theory and all of the Moloch traps and that all of it’s a fundamental feature rather than a bug. You’re horrified at the moral character of something, whether God, Source, Eheieh, Atman, etc. that would create a raft of lies tied together with genocide where truth is for the dead and psychopathy is for the living (or at a minimum truth is for people where even if they have kids they’re kids will be outbred, dominated, and enslaved by those who saw no truth and only Darwinian fitness payouts - what Dawkins would call ‘pure replicators’ or what a lot of people would refer to as r selection).

Lets say you actually, in this case and after watching enough NDE videos and a mishmash of excuses for this so incongruous as to virtually prove as above so below in regard to corruption, decide that David Benatar’s antinatalism isn’t enough - that you’d really like all of your incarnations deleted from all of past present and future timelines - doesn’t matter if you’ve already lived one, ten, one hundred, one million, infinitely many, or whether they’re all going on at the same time - fuck all of them - you’d really like to take an action that multiplies that number by zero. You’d genuinely like to smack God, grab his/her/it’s eraser, and undo your higher self ever having been created - and spit in God’s face right before you do it for good measure, better yet call him a fuckup for having created you and even recommend that he slit his own wrists and spare existence the suffering of his stupidity and moral cowardice.

Is it possible? Are there even rumors that it’s possible?

The only hydra I can think of where if it was deleted could delete the person and all of their incarnations from the hypergraph / block universe / whatever is the complete annihilation of their higher self. That may be the wrong structure to look at but it looks like a promising starting point.

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No you can’t kill the higher self

The reason these horrible things exist is because there are consciousnesses that split off from the higher self to experience free will but even that eventually just comes back to the eternal wisdom of the higher self

So all the misery you’re feeling is just your fallen self, if everyone was connected to the higher self none of this would be a problem, you’re becoming your higher self in a time space reality, but you can access it now also and skyrocket your evolution because the higher self operates beyond time and space

So this entire thing is an experiment, a simulation, earth is like one of the best places to ascend because there’s a lot of contrast if you’re down here that means you are pretty advanced by nature unless you’re an NPC

Stop externalizing reality, that’s simple

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Wouldn’t the experience of free will itself be a simulation if all thoughts, ideas, and potentials are temporally bound in the context that you couldn’t - from any given moment - have done other than what you do because you have the exact self-state you have at that time?

Where I’d disagree - I really don’t believe most people can be anything but what they are. In fact they seem to lean into their problems and externalizing on others as a form of power because… lo and behold…it works! If being more psychopathic works better than why not optimize for that unless you’re one of those people (regrettably I’m in this category) who had a very warm / loving early childhood that forces you to immediately recoil at the thought of doing harm to other people outside of clear self-defense? The incentives are that perverse, Darwinian game theory rewards the maximum amount of imperialism that you can carry out without getting taken out by others, and the competition over genes that fierce, that there’s no reason for any of this to change for as long as there’s any life on Earth. When the math is that forceful - I have to call that a feature rather than a bug, meaning it’s part of ‘God’s perfect law’ as many NDE’ers as well as Ram Dass and others would suggest is how physics should be described.

I take the point though - if it can’t be done it can’t be done.

The only thing I can think to do right now, if I have a choice between integrity and lying to myself, is go with integrity even if it feels like trying to breath underwater (ie. stripping the cognitive padding / creature comfort, including most occult and spiritual ideas, out of my homeostasis toolbox). The reason I put it that way - any amount of padding, white lying, etc. (the way most people recommend constantly IRL) just kicks the can, breeds naivety, and makes the pileup worse later.

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I would mention that not all incarnations are human, and humans have a specific signature that seem to be the root of some of your dislike. I sympathize with this.

Humans are a tribal warrior species created from apes. A spirit incarnate into a human vessel is two beings in one: the spirit is kind of posessing the human animal in a tightly knit symbiotic relationship. There animal has desires and intincts, the spirit has mind and higher emotions. The two are difficult to discern, but for this reason I don’t actually feel that it’s the case that “you are who you are”.

I would argue that humans, having most memories wiped, are very much not knowing who they really are from an immortal cosmic perspective.

But there are species where the dynamics are different. Some are enlightened and not narcissistic, some are downtight hiveminded, some are emotionless.

This is the fundamental premise I don’t think holds water. I think Humanity is not the yardstick to judge other planes/species by, and Earth is not the planet to judge other planets by. Yes there are still wars and conflicts. but humans are particularly violent and unstable compared to other places. And it’s not entirely all our fault, as we have been interfered with.

Also most people’s NDEs, if you notice are so only from a human/Earth viewpoint, as if these people never existed before being human, which I don’t think is true.

Basically, the information set is incomplete and therefore not ideal to build conclusions from.

What if, you’re just fed up with being human? What if a lot of us are trapped here for stupid reasons to do with the interference and long outgrown this kind of incarnation? Then what if what you feel is your spirit’s frustration with old energy that isn’t serving its evolution any more?

i say, the only obligation of a prisoner is to escape.

A spirit can choose to dissolve back into source, losing individuation. but it has to make that decision at the cosmic level not the human level.

Finally, another option I have taken in the past is to incarnate next as a species that is less emotional and more Unity minded, This is like “a change is as good as a break”.

in my case I chose a kind of Grey calling themselves The Domain. They are telepathically linked, use engineered biosuits perfect for the job you chose, do not have social lives and excuse to further the fascinating scientific development of the species. There is no internal strife, no anxiety no emotional pain, you want what the group wants. Like being really invested at work and your life is your job.

Ebuhuel has offered to help humans leave the planet on death by getting them past the reincarnation traps and out of the old decaying installation that is messing up this planet, then you can apply at the higher level to join a different species.

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TY for the lengthy response.

Slight apologies - my response got a lot longer than I wanted to but I couldn’t figure out what to slice out.

The best way I can describe this - I’m in my mid 40’s, living at home after having gone through hell from 11 to 19 (through middle school and high school) on meds I shouldn’t have been on that furthered developmental delays already there from autism, to then pull myself off of them, make heroic moves to fix all of my social skill deficits, pushed myself to do my best in college, graduated highest honors, then got dumped into a mom and pop CPA firm where I was fired within a month because they liked my high GPA which meant (in their minds) no training was required, ie. hire and fire mill, had six further years wasted by a dead-end job that I thought was supposed to build accounting experience but none of it was ‘exact match’, and got throttled through my 30’s to where I got screwed steadily - by the work world - in various ways like broken ‘temp to hire’ contracts where they ‘loved my work’ but HR stonewalled or they made horrible business decisions and the company got ratioed during my temp period (like cutting 2/3rds of the company). I switched to programming, hoped for something better, and had the perfect storm of narcissists and bullies along with idiot boss almost stomp my health out as they also had no idea what they were doing and put it on a new hire (me) to figure it out. I survived all of that and brought my health back from the edge just to find myself spinning in the void - in a world that looks at me with genuine surprise that I’m still alive (the overwhelming understanding I get ‘You’re different - you were supposed to kill yourself or OD on drugs in high school, like normal losers do, why are you still here?’). That whole time my friends got to pass me by and the more narcissistic of them got to be more, and more, and more superior to me until now they have families, businesses, and I’m the childless unmentionable who lives at home. I also did 5 years with BOTA and AMORC back in my early 30’s and found out to my chagrin that aide from some techniques I learned for metaphor and symbol that I picked up in BOTA it was really time off of the race track of ‘winning’ that’s been counted against me. The most bizarre element of that - while I was in hot pursuit of spirituality there would always be these out of place people, there at the right times like it was sychronicity, to show me that having a dick and pursuing spirituality of any kind was a sign that you were too weak / stupid to live and utterly beyond hope (sparing several paragraphs of detail here).

It’s not that I couldn’t cobble together a new future of some kind at 43 pushing 44 but - I know that society’s take on me is set in stone and that there’s nothing I could do, be, or become that would change my relationship with the world. Achievements are invisible and I think that’s by design, ie. they deliberately lowball the heck out of each other’s capabilities and literally anything that can be outright forced on people - like raw athletic talent or proof of wealth - can be ignored or denied.

In that context I feel like I went through hell for absolutely nothing except the feeling that I really was supposed to have taken myself out in high school but missed the memo (through most of my life I prayed often and tried to have a relationship with God - the results didn’t show it). I defended myself, believed in myself, what’s worst - believed in that horribly stupid classic liberal idea that if people were presented with the right facts they’d arrive at truth, and I’ve learned the hard way that genes dominate truth and everyone’s so precious that it’s better to ridicule any new idea (say two things people haven’t heard before and get kicked out of the adults table) than consider that tribe and clan beliefs might be misinformed (ie. beliefs among humans are supposed to be something like decorative pieces of plastic in a birds nest or tribal heraldry, ie. a kind of social phenotype, not an actual persuit of truth - that’s for freaks, losers, and people who have to do that on account of disability or genetic disadvantage).

I bring all of that up because I have no clue what to do at this point. Even best case scenario, I do really well on crypto investments and can retire in a couple years, I still get to be a relative shut-in because money won’t remove differences. I think what ultimately gets to me the most - I feel almost like this world was built for the express purpose of bringing in people who can think consistently / clearly and psychologically torturing them until they go insane as everything they’ve ever been told about the world, life, society, etc. turns out to be a lie and it’s amazing just how long the dominos can keep falling.

In short - I wouldn’t wish this place on my worst enemy. IMHO the best analogy I can come up with to what this world is socially is a bird’s gizzard, where they don’t have anything like stomach acid so instead they have a bag of enzymes, they eat small pebbles and grid their food in that pebble bag. I feel like we are the food and the stones are the narcissists, NPC’s, and the whole logic of Darwinian game theory and Moloch traps where any moment not chasing tail or chasing money and status to get tail is a sign of mental retardation.

What I completely fail to understand though… spiritual growth…here!? It feels a bit Human Centipede for anything like that.

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On the NDE and NDE reports topic - I think what’s always struck me is just how trite the stories people were given tended to be, how often fundamental facts conflicted, and yet the experience seemed to have unmistakably veridical components such as blind people ‘seeing’ out of body, people having 360 degree spherical vision, all kinds of things that are biologically impossible. Not only that but so many NDE’ers being ‘strictly positive’, blind and confused about why the world is the way it is (as if going over there gave them no additional insight), and it felt like I was doing something perverse trying to hash out with them the paradox between a realm of unconditional love and a world of Darwinian game theory.

While it would make sense that it’s signals of low to mid spiritual growth - without further counterfactuals the best I could do with that info is assume that the system was at least partially blowing smoke up people’s asses so they could all live their ‘soul contracts’ and be whatever they scripted themselves to be - whether teachers, parents, soldiers, paramedics, schizophrenics, killers, pedophiles, or whatever else they pre-planned for themselves. The whole idea of just lining up a bunch of crap to ‘experience!’ still seems utterly perverse to me, particularly when it’s doing active damage to the world. I was starting to wonder if the reason the world’s problems seem almost unsolvable was precisely because solutions would get in the way of soul contracts.

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I think this is true now, but is an artifact of this interference in the last epoch, particularly the last 6000 years. It’s not what the planet is inherently built for, but a corruption. History has been hidden and corrupted for these millennia. Older info does still exist, though chasing the remaining pieces and trying to figure out what the true picture was is difficult, but there are historians attempting this who have very interesting opinions. And it’s specific to most of the globally connected human society, but at the same time more of an issue in some sections of society and barely visible in others. I think some of the free thinkers are here partly to try to change this and be ready to undo the damage to society of the interference.

I think this sounds like the root of your problems: you’re around the wrong people with highly judgmental, intolerant and negative opinions and they’re impacting you badly, not in a way that helps you on any level. Can you find a way to change who you have around you, who you listen to and who you allow in your space so you don’t have to deal with the “permanently offended”?

I mean this:

to show me that having a dick and pursuing spirituality of any kind was a sign that you were too weak

… Is obviously and blatantly, historically and factually untrue. But if you get browbeaten by the ignorant and closed minded enough that would wear anyone down. You’re basically being mentally and emotionally abused and as you say, tortured by these people.

I don’t think this is wrong. As you say, the trouble is what we are all taught is “truth” in school and by the media, simply is not. But now you know that you have made a leap that 99 percent of he population wont and you deserve credit for that. Once you know what the real problem is only then can you fix it. But the principle stands, I believe.

I feel you. The installations work to make sure of it. Still it’s not impossible, though very hard. Nobody is in a better position for getting out of it than occultists. We have understanding and tools, from here it’s a ton of work and a bit of help from friendly entities.

I think a lot of them are mental constructs. People see what they expect to see. People who expect to find heaven do, people that expect to go to hell do. These are places made my humanity in he astral and can be visited for as long as they like.

What is very common in the NDEs, is that these people are not occultists, they are not trained, they’ve never tried to practice lucid dreaming, controlling where they go, questioning who they meet and verifying identities, being on the lookout for parasites and impostors, having allies to call, knowing how to handle dreamwork… they just have shit happen to them. I think one of them represent what you personally would see in their position, because they’re all spending time in their personal astral taking everything at face value when we know that’s the last thing to do with dreams. I think most NDEs are almost worthless for this reason, same as most dreams. You’re trusting the words of untrained, unimitated muggles and wondering why they don’t make sense…? :slight_smile:

Well, I really do think we’ve been dicked with. There are some people shaking the jar of ants, and the ants attack each other without asking who shook the jar?. There’s some things right as well if you look for that. Soul contracts exist but are optional. Because free will beats everything on this planet.

I suggest doing what you can to get away from he angry ants busing attacking each other to start with. Find some peace and start asking why they’re like that, follow he money and power and you’ll see what they will never see, know why they say the strange things they do, and it can stop affecting you so much emotionally. “Forgive them for they know not what they do” type realizations.
There are reasons for all of it, and they all boil down to “fear”. (Not yours, not theirs, the controllers’ doing the jar shaking. )

Not for nothing: Spiritually, you are not afraid. Just by holding that energy of fearlessness helps raise the vibes of the planet and you make this a better place by simply being alive. As does everyone who refuses to be afraid. Get annoyed, that’s fine imo, warriors should fight. :smiley: Just thought I’d mention that :slight_smile:

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Again - deeply appreciate the lengthy and thought out reply.

One thing I wanted to expand on a bit:

I noticed with a few of Adam Nox’s interviews that a couple occultists have actually had them. Connor Kendall had them but, at least in his case, well before he could have started practicing but it was enough to give him the frame to do something different than his peers. Dan Updike did actually have an NDE while he was a practicing occultist and said at least a bit about it on an interview with Adam Nox. I’d love to know if there are any others who perhaps do talk about it and have anything to add that helps clear the air rather than the affable but ‘pretty white girls’ who’ve largely just gone super-hippy and rarely touch on the pragmatic aspects of the broader human situation compared to their NDE’s (some exception for Tricia Barker as she does touch on observations of cluster B in the environment, particularly the spiritual community).

I just hate the disconnect because our modern revenants, male or female, just tend to want to talk about love and peace and not talk about the world that they came back into and IMHO that makes them far less valuable to us than if they could actually trace a connection between the two realms and try explaining, to the best of their ability, what’s to be made of the sticking points of the present moment. Since they typically never go there I’m stuck mostly just going with other sources like John Gray’s Straw Dogs, Rene Girard’s work on memetic desire, and Donald Hoffman and Chetan Prakash’s Conscious Realism as they technically seem to be objectively mapping what’s referred to as functionalism with multiple realizability (a theory of consciousness that easily yields egregores) as well as the fact that their theory, especially Donald Hoffman’s contention that ‘fitness beats truth’ rings a lot of bells. I also like watching Michael Levin, Karl Friston, Chris Fields, and that side of experimental biology and neuroscience close in on Hoffman’s position in addition to watching John Vervaeke moving more into that mix from the 4E Cog Sci direction.

That’s the other fun part - you can post videos of lectures by John Vervaeke, Michael Levin, Hoffman, even Daniel Schmachtenberger for that matter. - absolutely no one will touch them with a ten foot poll. Throw any of that on Facebook it gets hard ignored. Put it on most forums ‘TL:DW - what’s this rubbish?’. I get that some of the long form podcasts can be a few hours and that’s not everyone’s cup of tea but the lack of curiosity is profound enough to make me wonder if you really have to be almost dwelling on the edge of society to have any curiosity at all.

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Admittedly I live in the US rust belt and it’s pretty well brain-drained by other areas. I don’t know what exactly I’d find in other areas, there’s a sad situation in the US however where any place that financially well-off Californians tend to flee to, Austin Texas being a good example, looks good for a while until you find out that all the police are leaving and one tends to assume that they’ll be on for the $900 five-finger discount at their shopping centers soon. It’s like being pincered between two types of rank stupidity that hate each other and our political system increasingly looks like 10th century Vatican just less the assassinations and eternal damnation to the opposing party. Another guilty pleasure of mine is listening to Ed Dutton: The Jolly Heretic, whose been talking about the reverse Flynn effect for a while and is suggesting that we’re now back to Tudor England as far as average IQ. The idea that we’ll be down to an average of 85 (compared to now) by 2100 is rather scary, and I’d agree with him that if we get Idiocracy it will be far less peaceful.

On a slightly different topic - I’ve been coming to the conclusion recently, in a sense even more fortified by a recent interview Chris Williamson had with Robin Dunbar (ie. the ‘Dunbar number’ guy) that the nation state is causing at least a good amount of our psychosis, and it comes from free movement of predators where - based on that - everyone sees anyone they don’t know intimately as a black box that’s 2% psychopath, 2.5% clinical narcissist, etc. which means we increasingly treat anyone we don’t know as a potential threat. That dynamic has also been destroying the mating and dating world (amplified as well by dating apps) and I’m starting to suspect a lot of that effect - the ‘dating strangers’ aspect is part of how we’re getting precipitous drops in birth rate in urbanized areas around the world not to mention having similar drops in trust. I don’t know what alternatives would work better than the nation state, you could try subdividing countries down to groups of 50 people who need to stay in relationship to one another but that’s also rife with it’s own forms of abuse which would also need their own solutions.

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This is true, but it’s a symptom of the online and I thinks that’s a skewed picture. My solution has been to get out of the cities into the country, and then do what I do which is join the gym, clubs, and socialise with people around a common interest that’s real and in person. If I was JCI I’d go to church, as that’s traditionally where all the social stuff happened in the states and everybody was expected at church or they were a weirdo.

So today I feel there’s more people, and more options even with the online stuff going on, and everybody seems pretty much normal, they roll their yes at current affairs, wish the cost of living was better and basically get on with living normally, and that’s most of Americans, you just wouldn’t know that if you only watch the online stuff and don’t get physically outside and meet real people to see it. But yeah the cities are where it’s messed up, so I never go into them.

Find real people to make real, walking distance relationships with. It’s no good trying to artificially invent organisation when people will already do that all by themselves and resent interference. Families and community and people gather to support each other knowing humans have always survived in villages.
Pop round for a cup of tea and a chat and find out your local (actual local) news, who’s who and what directly affects you and your community. Anything you see online isn’t really real unless it directly changes your environment. If it doesn’t it doesn’t matter and is a drain on your energy for no benefit.
THAT is the secret of why everybody is so crazy, they’re allowing themselves to be influenced by what’s really just crazy fiction. Bring it back to what matters.

All these names I never heard of, I will have to go look them up! I’m a long podcast person so this is right up my alley. :smiley: I did hear of one NDE where the person had a samsaric experience and met a fae like being that lived in the canyon he was stuck in. The fae had a very enlightened attitude as a native being sharing this Earth.

But by and large I’m convinced the pole flip occurring around the late 2030s makes a lot of the civilization issues moot and changes the question to “where should I be, what skills do I need and how do I find my village to survive a new stone age with?”. It’s too late for anything else.

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Hello. I can feel the pain in your post. It appears that your troubles come from trying to rationalize the lack of underlying truth to the propaganda we have been fed. I think your insights & conclusions are valid. However, instead of being liberating, they have the opposite effect. I encourage you to be freed from needing to make sense of the world and accept that it doesn’t, nor does it need to. These insights can be your source of power. Once you come into your power, you may change your mind.

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Yeah, I see it very much in the Donald Hoffman ‘fitness beats truth’ lens (I’d add - fitness and ‘luck’). Someone else who held a spotlight to this but in a different way was Malcolm Gladwell with his ‘Outliers’ book, where he showed that - at least for several decade, the success of Canadian hockey players depended on birth month because the ‘Mathew principle’ was shaping their futures - irrevocably - as early as age 5 or 6, and that gets back to why even knowing truth is so much weaker than raw momentum with little knowledge of truth but simply good luck (as well as a mind that just goes with what it sees, gets launched out of whatever cannon it’s thrown into, and questions nothing).

The best I can deduce about what life is, again - along the lines of Donald Hoffman’s speculations, that all agency in the conscious stack is subordinate to a higher order that goes on indefinitely and that the whole thing is exploring an infinite plane of mathematical possibilities - which include comedy, tragedy, anything between, as well as utterly meaningless, purposeless, and absurd existences with pitiful and tragic ends. The math existing to be explored, in that case, is the self-same justification for conscious beings to incarnate into it whether that math is progressive or regressive.

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Thinking about this again today:

If finite / incarnate selves had the ability to terminate their eternal selves by either:

a) Some magical act combined with other heavy duty things that apply the point (ie. self-deletion with flare).
b) Call on a large enough predator that could eat / destroy your higher self (or have your higher self thrown into Tartarus where it might not be killed but at least scrambled enough, Event Horizon imagery comes to mind, to no longer be itself and to provide a punishment as bad or worse than deletion).

I think infinite perversions, including so many of those that existed under Stalin, Mao, AH, etc. kind of suggest that if we can’t actually reach up with a knife and scar our higher selves, or better yet permanently delete them, they won’t learn and they’ll keep putting us in mind and soul-destroying situations.

I really think we should be able to find or create a metaphysical bridge where higher selves / HGA’s know that if they do enough to us we can delete them from past, present, and future and so doing stupid enough things like deciding to have an incarnation in Nazino / Cannibal Island, living under the Khans or Tamerlane, mining in the Congo under Leopold II, getting flayed for heresy or whatever else, I think this world would be a better place, and perhaps the universe, if incarnations could permanently delete their highers if the will to do so struck them sincerely enough in a lifetime.

There’s no sensible metaphysical narrative that I can think of (outside of outrageous cope) that necessitates us being defenseless. Similarly when ‘The Tower’ comes up in a way that’s f’d you should be able to wrap it in explosives and say ‘If you throw a bolt of lightning at this tower you’re gone - choose wisely’.

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You probably can, but why would you?
To me it sounds a little like wanting to kill your right hand for doing things you don’t approve of.
Our physical body, subtle bodies, mental body, higher self etc. are part of our complete vehicle that is necessary to exist on this material plane.
The higher self is not our eternal being, in my theory. I think the term “higher self” is a little misleading. Probably originating from some new age view. In my opinion what we sometimes.call higher self, is more something like our astral equivalent of the ego.

What you talk of, is a choice humans/ souls make before incarnating and perpetuated during their lifetime in order to gain experience to bring you further on spiritual evolution.
Particular choices like exploiting others for gains or ideals is not so much the fault of our eternal being, but more the result of reacting to our own inbalance and unresolved issues.
I might be a little weird… but whenever I pull The Tower or Hagalaz I get a little nervously excited ^^.
Ordeals and hardships, although harsh and perhaps even traumatizing, give the biggest opportunities for insights, growth and gaining new skills. Pressure and diamonds, right?

I don’t think damaging our vehicle will resolve much. It might only bring more fracturing, inbalance and pain that one would probably project and inflict on others instead of it bringing anything beneficial.
I think if we would be motivated to actually heal ourselves more and deal with our dark sides in whatever fashion suits us, instead of ignoring them and pushing them down. That would actually make this world a bit better.

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In this case I’d put it the other way around - it’s like being a hand that belongs to an avid rock climber, chronic wanker, Johnny Knoxville, maybe all of the above.

NDE’ers beat the heck out of that drum and it’s extra big in the pre-birth memories circle where it seems like they’d suggest that souls love experience almost without qualification. I almost don’t want to know what kinds of problems would cause that kind of behavior, just that it really seems like a system that’s impossible to respect. For example rockspiders like kids - we jail them if they act on it. It feels like a vertical breech of law where once you’re here consent doesn’t matter.

It depends what you’re going through and how extreme it is. There’s probably a sweet-spot for development but it’s quite easy to over or undershoot. If it gets overshot - the benefit seems to get destroyed unless the benefit is entirely noncognitive, something like Gurdjieff and Ouspenski’s idea of crystalization. The crap thing about that even - it’s a silver lining sticking to a cloud of ‘You don’t have a say in who you are - survival circumstances will decide that’.

When life is deranging, the facts that keep coming in are deranging, the rules of the world (mandatory stupidity and specifically shibboleth conformity over practical / functional conformity), the ‘Sapolsky’s baboons’ social life is deranging. Not being able to thread together any sort of redeeming narrative and then being planted in a position where you don’t have right of refusal over whose in your life because you need a paycheck too badly - increasingly up through one’s 70’s and even 80’s and needing to grapple with other people’s zero-sum games (professionals largely hating each other) and cluster B personality disorders throughout that, the ‘r’ word comes to mind. Another way to look at it might be - what kind of life would it be if someone was forced to stay in a high chair, fill diapers, and be spoonfed babyfood? These both point in the same direction and it’s horror.

One thing I’m thinking about life - freedom is an illusion. Freedom roughly equals the right to fail and be subjugated whereas making optimal choices is almost compulsory, unless one wants to let themselves be dominated by people who made better choices, had better luck, etc…Outside a small group of people I really want to gray-rock the species as best I can because the game seems to be “I’m always right because I’m me, you’re not me therefore your always wrong” and to not internalize and become that is a competitive disadvantage that stays with you for life, particularly if you’re not neurotypical enough to have people instantly glom onto you.

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I did have an additional thought - I could make occult training as a life long goal, potentially of strengthening energetic bodies, to go maim my HGA when I die. My goal to maim my HGA is to make sure it never does this again and to make sure, most importantly, that there’s a zero percent chance of us laughing this off, hugging, and walking right back into it again. I have to take a pound of flesh otherwise the impression, and the trauma and anguish needed to seer it in white-hot and permanently, just isn’t made.

All of the things I was chewing on with that made me realize something on the topic of love… I’m not 100% sure I trust it anymore. Too often it’s people salving you into their machinations on a subconscious level and not realizing they’re doing it. I’m not saying I’d lose all trust for love, just that it has to be from something that’s capable of playing a nearly altruistic game to where whatever side-games are in it can’t be exploitative enough to cause serious fallout.

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Maybe you should look into incarnation into spirit form instead of flesh through advanced vampirism or Taoist magick. It’s likely possible.

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TBH I have a lot to learn yet about what’s veridically out there and what can be done with it.

I’ve noticed something else - this topic comes up for me when I’m in ‘seeing red’ levels of stress. For example we’ve had a programming project mostly done for the last ten or eleven months that we were having trouble integrating into the production environment (Azure AD) and absolutely nothing was working - to the point where I was getting close to telling my boss that we’d need to give them their money back and apologize for wasting their time. Because that’s not an option I had to grind it out for the past week and the last two days were especially intense. I was even thinking of potentially self-deleting if I couldn’t get this done because IMHO it would ruin my life going forward, regardless of whether or not it was in my hands to succeed (and being on the spectrum employment itself is brittle which means I need to take crap jobs that other people wouldn’t and typically get paid a lot less - which has me living at home in my mid 40’s with a supposedly professional job).

I’d like to think that there are other vistas we can evolve in and like Sam Harris says about the bible I’d say the same thing about earth - that if there are any redeeming or worthwhile aspects of earth they’re probably better found somewhere else. IMHO it seems unethical for life on this planet to be conscious. You can have all kinds of things doing horrible things to each other but if the lights aren’t on there’s no suffering.

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I can’t go into politics but it’s because of what they’ve done with this planet. My advice is just do what you can to ascend and enjoy your life, help fix things if you can.

For example Mulberry was kind enough to help me when I was in a berserk combat everyone who exists because this is an asshole planet at the core mode. Though I am still obsessed with offensive magick, there are at least now some improvements being made because one person was kind enough to help when I needed it.

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Not trying to make anyone blush but yeah, Mulberry adds a lot here.

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