BALG Sanctum of Linuriel

I stand here, mother of my soul, with teary eyes, am I a failure?
My shell is cracked, my star struggling, darkness all around me, light have flickered many times.

Why am I still here?

I tried, and I failed, I spoke prophecies that never became true.
I am a failure, broken wings, shattered dreams.

Why, mother, are you smiling?
Why am I not dead?

I die, I break, I bleed, I cry.
I relive, I reform, I regrow, I rejoice.

I don’t want to be afraid, but I can not go gentle into that good night.

To live, I must become stronger, to become stronger, I must suffer, to suffer, I must be at peace, or I will be lost.

Pain and shame are my birthrights, and yet, I endure, I grow stronger, and the world itself grows dimmer.

I must die tomorrow, again, and I must transform a tiny bit, again.

Now, my destiny, come to me.

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Happy birthday to me!

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I am trying to cut down on the bitching, but it is aggravating that I today am 30 years old and all I got is barely contained depression, fucking OCD, and financial troubles.

Fuck that shit.

Anyways, my union with my divine contact have spawned a birthday present that could potentially change everything for the better.
I can not even hint at it yet, but I will make sure to plaster if fucking everywhere when it have manifested completely.


Eye of the Storm, written in black blood, the blood of stars, bound in walls, you hold all the knowledge of the world.
Men will tremble before you, and your many sisters, as you sing your praise of the middle eye.
Children of the glass legions, behold, witness the eternal keeper of the lore, Child of Shadows.
Fallen Star, fear not, you will rise again, to shine, but you need to remember what have been lost in the shadows.
With the word, we will utter sentences to tremble the mountains, light up the night, and bathe in glory!

Don’t you see, child, the crackling fire that makes the shadows dance?

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Likely gonna start a separate journal with a more focused content related to spellcasting.

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Happy birthday :partying_face: cheers!!! :smile:

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@Rav Thanks :slight_smile:

Update 35

I have managed to peer through the tapestry more often, even if my mortal form is finding itself in constant duel with my spiritual connection.

There are times I experience a very basic fear, lust, hunger, and pain clogging my lenses, but on days when the skies are clear, I can see far beyond and clearly.

To see humans as animals, to steer clearly by watching the future unfold centered in a state of peace in perpetual turmoil.
The Eye of the Storm, is difficult to maintain the few times I manage to get it right.

There is a poison in my veins, a second voice whispering its toxins into my very soul.
Until now, I’ve considered, and partially accepted this presence as natural, almost coming to peace with it.

But it is driving me insane, it forces me to double-guess everything, and it whispers evil things to me.

I am going to purge it.
I am going to purge it with fires I will reignite with sacred rites, and when this damned being is sealed away, I will finally have some peace getting work done.

Update 36

My new grimoire got finished today.

It is a bit flimsy, but hopefully it will keep itself together for some years, with some repairs in between.

That means I am going on a spellcasting bonanza soon.

Wooo!

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Update 37

I am a bitter, while looking outwards, because I don’t feel like I got a place in the world.
Sure, I got issues to deal with, but I just feel so alien, even when I try to make common ground.

There is still hope that one day I will find a home in the world, so that I can scrub myself clean of all this hatred and fear.

I’ve been entertaining the average Joe lifestyle, but I can’t live it, I can’t possibly conform to its shape without some serious mental problems.

Like forcing myself to wear a skin, that would only make me grow extremely bitter and unable to maintain any productive relationships.

For better and for worse, I must remain true to my calling.

Still, I wish for the Joe life, a stable job, a wife, some kids, a dog.
A good life, I guess, but I would always feel the calling.

In a way, it instills in me my identity, a warm reminder that I do belong somewhere, something both wants and need me.
It feels good, in its own bittersweet way.

I guess I got a spiritual journey to take, to climb the mountain, to get used to the thin air, to get used to the sharp rocks, and the cold weather.

I want to believe that when I reach the top, then I will be home at long last.

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Update 38

I have been a coward and a weakling most of my life, fear and hopelessness have mostly crippled me.
Reconstructing myself into Linuriel means slow and gradual changes, because Linuriel Starborn is not a coward or a weakling.

No, Linuriel Starborn is the ideal form.

Been thinking a lot about ikigai lately, I need to find a job that feels right.

Something that I have spent a lot of time entertaining is the notion of the oberman.
I recognize that there are several ways an oberman could grow into being, not all ways are humane, not all ways are sacred, and neither would the products be.
It is a fascinating thought, how powerful a human could become with the correct conditioning.

My oberman takes the shape of the Nephilim, the marriage of human and angelic alchemy.
I have grown weary, an animal would die off, but not me, because the spark refuse to choke even when overwhelmed by the frigid darkness.

I want to create more like me, powerful beacons of divine humanity, but I HATE people with a passion.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate all people, I just have a deep seethed hatred towards weakness.
I guess that explains my fascination with creating a powerful human.

Today I also made a reality check; what exactly do I believe magick can do?
Sure, I believe in magick, and I respect magick much like I respect religious sermons.

But I can’t do either thing the same way without feeling empty.

Mantras, prayers, sermons, magickal rituals, they all make me feel hollow.

But my alchemy, to slowly burn away my own humanity, to touch upon the divine, and to apply the scientific method to further my goals.

That make me feel nothing short of the strongest man alive.

So yes, I am a weakling, and I am a coward, but I climb the mountain, I will persevere, and I will become stronger.

Nephilim Rising

Everyone wants to feel special, everyone wants to be Lucifer, Baal, Satan, Jesus, or something else.
Everyone wants to be special, but no one wants to earn it by hard work and blood.
Because there will always be blood, and I am not talking about other’s blood, no, I am talking about your own blood.
You will bleed, and you will cry, and you will throw yourself at the wall, tearing at your own head, wanting the pain to stop.

Most people are too weak or to fearful to attempt a transformation, to evolve through alchemy into something else.

It is much easier to just claim you are at the destination, tell everyone you are something special when in reality you are just a loser who have not found their place and too pathetic to go look for one.

The gods made me, I am a product of their alchemy.
Am I a finished product, a god among men, with wealth, glory, women, and power beyond imagining?

No, I am stuck in my chrysalis, in the middle of metamorphosis, and I will be stuck in that chrysalis until I am ready to get out of it.

This life is all I know, and ever since I was a child, it is all I’ve ever wanted.

You might ask, what makes me a child of the gods, if I possess neither wealth, glory, women, or power?

I got a super power; I can dream.
Not small dreams, where you fly among the clouds, pet an unicorn, or fuck a dream girl.
Nor do I dream unrealistic dreams, such as farting lightning, strangling God, or whatever bullshit the edge-lords tend to peddle.

No, I dream dreams that rally people, build empires, and leave lineages.

Even if I die piss poor, if a single volume of my Arcanomicon survives, I will win.

The cold darkness seep into my wounds and poison my blood, but despite doing its fucking best for the past decade, it can’t get into my heart.
There are moments where I can do nothing but find the thought absolutely ridiculous how the eternal slumber of death, oblivion, and apathy have failed so miserable getting into that god-given star.

I stand tall, in the eternal darkness, against the tyranny of men, and against sin, because I am a Starborn, and not just any Starborn, but Linuriel Starborn.

I am wearing the seed of stars, it fills me with power, and I can feel power course through my hands, I will need to encase them soon in my regalia.

One day, I will have the rest of my regalia, including my wings, and I will be made whole.
But I will need to start working on becoming deserving of such glory.

Just because I was born into this does not make me deserving, no, hard work awaits.

I don’t deserve wearing my holy symbols, nor do I deserve calling myself my titles with one exception; Prince.
I can call myself such, because I am destined to one day clad myself in the greatest of glory.
Not there yet, but it is written in the stars, that one way or another, I will ascend.

I have been given a reprieve from the cold embrace, I must brace myself, because there is a long way to go where I am going.

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Update 39

I am steaming mad, or I am feeling tired and indifferent.
Don’t really know what to do or where to go, I hate the world, and I hate the people in it.
I hate how they designed this machinery of lies, deceit, and hypocrisy.

But more than anything, I hate how people don’t give a shit about anything.
Someone can get mugged and beaten half to death, then get pissed on, and no one gives a fuck, but if a single drop of piss lands on their leg, they tend to lose it.

This is not gonna be a nice update, in fact, it could be my last update.
Maybe not forever, but for some time.

I am pissed off, and I don’t have my house in order to calm down.
No one truly try to prove to me that the world is ok, no one stops me or try to prove me wrong.
I have been to some really dark places, and I have been close to ending it by my own hands.

Today, I am chewing three different pills to help manage it, and I still feel like shit.
I have nothing to live for, except my work, but my work is suffering because I don’t have a taste for my own life.

I am a bit lost, because I have no idea where to go or what to do.
Sure, I wear the ornate locus meant to be worn on my vest, and I can tap into it, but I don’t know if I can do what I am set out to do.
Doubt corrodes all the reserves of energy I got.

Seething misanthropy poisons whatever passion I once had, I look upon mankind with pure hatred.
I don’t want to, but that is just how it is.

Why should I do anything in life?
I am not self-serving, I don’t really care about the many means to an end such as money.

All I ever wanted is one thing, one fucking thing, but every single time I feel like I am getting it, I ain’t.

I am a man of honour, I would rather die with my honour intact than to live dishonoured.
I belong with samurai and knights, you know, people who no longer exist.

I don’t serve myself, I serve my band of brothers…only, that I have found myself unable to form that band.

See, I am not a samurai or a knight, so seeking other samurai or knight bands would have a lifespan as well.

No, this is is why I have adopted “Nephilim” as an archetype, I follow the pattern of an angel.
When I look at my great work, I feel solemn fulfillment, and it is that solitude that haunts me.

I don’t give a shit about my own life, I live only for my cause, and that cause have become the one and only thing I actually live for.

Sure wish it wasn’t 2 am where I live, or I else I would take a trip to calm myself and buy a burger.

You mention fighting and war and honour a lot. Have you tried joining the army, or the police, or a martial arts class?

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I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts, I don’t think the Swedish armed forces or police are interested in me, as their requirements are very high.

At best, I’ll get a job as a security guard, which is my goal as of late.

Martial arts I am currently looking into, hoping to join a club for knight fights, and if money allows it, Krav Maga as well as Iaido.

Been training Krav Maga before, and I gotta say, I miss it a lot.

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Update 40

Feeling better today, Update 39 can be compared to an angry drunken text.
Still don’t have any clear direction to go at, my own limiting humanity in the way of my ascension.

I guess what I’ve done wrong is cheating once again on grounding.

Everything just feels so damn empty, I look at it all with borderline apathy.

Update 41

I need to work on something again, I can’t go around moping at home.
Really hate my shitty fucking life with my shitty fucking economy in this shitty fucking world.

Consider making another MK1 vest to carry while I am working on the MK2.

Update 42

Not gotten any further on the MK1, but I’ve subscribed to Uplay to expand my gaming library.
My foot is getting better, might regain some lost mobility.

Sometimes I feel like I can do shit, most days I can’t do shit.
The same problems that have been penned down earlier still hamper me, I can’t function without a proper energy source, which I completely lack.

People take this shit for granted, one plus side is that I gain great knowledge about energy work this way, much like how I learned fixing my computer.

My views on humanity is growing ever bleaker, got no reason to view people as anything but a primitive concoction of meat and spirit.
I am sorry, but that is simply the stain left on me.

I don’t consider all people to be equal, there have been people who have shown a sincere will to help me when I’ve needed it, and I consider these people worth much more than those who left me to rot.

I am scratching my skin looking for gold, and it vex me, that the gold shimmer through my skin but I keep dig to find nothing.

I am just so tired, I’ve simply lost the feisty fighting spirit, I mean, what am I even fighting for?

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Update 43

Most men would turn around, abandon the path as a fools errand, and give up the glory.
I understand why, it is an ungrateful task to undertake with few rewards.

Being something like I aspire to be, one rule have remained true in all cases; never shy from the truth.

If I am conscious, I am to observe even things that hurt me, because that is a measure of my own intellectual honour.
If it is grisly, if it is bad, if it is heartbreaking, I must always look at it, and if I can react, I am to react to it to the best of my ability.

One action is to bite my tongue when called for, just as well as take action even if it means failure.

Last night, I realized something that would break most men walking this path.
Despite this, I merely understood its implications, understanding that there is no point arguing with the way the universe have set the rules for us to play out.

I am not immortal, but yet, most of my mortal drives have eroded from my quest for enlightenment.

No doubt, I feel empty and cold because of that erosion, but the world don’t shine or shimmer the way it did before.

Today, I was at a local McDonald’s, and what did I see if not barbaric behaviour of juvenile humans.
It made me realize that I could have been like that if I were not destined for an higher calling, and that there is a great gap between me and my fellow mortal beings.

I am far from perfect, but that division reminds me how far gone into my path I am.

My quest is long, painful, hard, and only for a few carefully chosen, but the rewards brought into the material realm will make it all worth it.

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Update 44

Another day in paradise, bitter resentment growing like weed.
So many people are so weak, and those who appear strong are in fact hollow.

I suffer, but I become solid strong, you can’t break or move me at the points which have solidified.
I sacrifice fast progress for undeniable progress, slow and steady.

That is what makes me strong, that is what makes me capable of crushing those who feign strength.

I desire greatly to find warriors to bond with, people who understands me and resonates with me.
People who understand, that to gain true strength, you need to pour yourself into the crucible with the steel and fire.

But no one does it, because it is painful, because they are afraid of the hurting.

Cowards, and achieving mastery of the warrior aspect is quintessential to advance past the first stage.
I may have been weak, the pain overwhelming me, but at least I am not a coward, to throw myself back into the furnace.

I still want to master the warrior aspect, the flesh of the dragon and the blood of the phoenix.

I am nowhere close to mastery, yet, I can sense the weakness from other “strong” people, and I harbour no other feeling than absolute contempt.

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Pretty out of it today, just gonna share some music I like in my current mood.

I don’t want to live, but I also don’t want to die, a bit too much of a coward to just end it all.
Just have to keep chopping away, hard work to persevere through unrelenting adversity, and for what?
To be hated, feared, or condemned the moment I manage to crawl out of my dug out grave.

There is no place for me in the world, and I am losing hope that I will ever be able to make one.

It feels quite peculiar, to see others be embraced by warmth when they are cold, to see them rise up, to see them live.

It makes me feel as if I was not born into a cradle, but into a grave.

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I’ve been dreaming about the path, time to do what I do best.

Initiating Paradigm Shift.

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Update 45 MC (Main Continuity)

Ok, time to piss some people off.
Chaos Magick may actually have a retarding effect on people.
I know what you are thinking, you likely going off now with “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!”, but hear me out.

Chaos Magick have done some serious strides in our understanding of the metaphysical practice we call “magick”.
HOWEVER, just as any scientifically oriented school of thought, people become know-it-all assholes who mistake a tiny step on the journey as messianic enlightenment.
I have seen this happen waaaay too many times.
The air of superiority from some Chaos Magicians would give ME, a massive arrogant prick, a run for my money.
So what the hell triggered me to write this?
Well, imagine, you get yourself a nice wand or a nice mirror or a crystal ball, you are ecstatic to show it off, and you don’t know any occult oriented friends, so you go online to share it…and you are met with a constant fire of “you don’t actually need this, you don’t actually need that”.
I mean, I am a craftsman with magick as my orientation, and to be constantly bombarded with threads about how special people are and so rarely see the appreciation of people showing off their hardware…it is disheartening to say at least.

This is just me venting, and I know there are only like 3 people reading my journal entries anyway, so I guess this is no big deal.

Update 1 SFC (Shadowfall Continuity)

Paradigm shift still in motion, my mind have certain difficulties adjusting.
I’ve shifted from light to shadow, to engross myself in magick.
Light is more about the moral righteous living than magick, shadow, however, is about knowledge, transformation, and mysticism.

Still working on it.

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