Here’s a kinda long story of events leading up to me being completely devoted to magick. Yeah, this might be a long story, TBH, lol:
I grew up the same way most have. I used to be Christian and I had an extremely Christian family. Hell, even someone in my family was a preacher.
Anyway, I remember how I was scared of anything supernatural. Even when I was a toddler, I was scared about the thought of angels “watching over me.” When I was first told about ghosts, I was scared to death of them, yet over some time, I slowly became interested. I was still scared but intrigued.
I remember my first “imaginary friend” being that of a wolf. They were most likely just my guardians. I was so fond of them. I remember there were actually two of them. With them around, they influenced me. I then thought I was a dog or wolf most of my childhood, lol.
Also, I remember as a kid of learning of magick and spells. I saw on the internet of how to get supernatural powers. Of course being the curious kid I am, I wanted to try it. When I excitedly asked my parents for help, I was scolded and told of how “Witchcraft and magick is evil, and god doesn’t like it.” After that, I didn’t attempt to do any magick for a long time.
Well, I remember the first time of having an encounter with a spirit. I was probably 8-10 when I first started noticing things. I remember physically seeing a shadow once, and I was terrified to death and crying. After that, I never saw anything physical again, but I definitely have heard things.
When I first heard an entity, I remember it was most likely a little while after seeing that entity. I remember being outside at night, and I was playing “imaginary,” and just having fun by myself. I was being just a typical little kid. Then, I heard a lady giggling with delight. I look around and saw no one. I quickly ran inside full of fright and asked my mom about it, but she said hasn’t been laughing.
It was during that time that I learned about fairies. I was super interested in anything dealing with fairies. I remember telling my cousins about them and teaching them of how to interact with them. I was always talking to them, and I also even helped them with things. I even remember being told of how someday they’d like me to be a queen too. Maybe it’s because we were so close. Well, after a couple years, I did sadly grow out of that.
Then, when I was about the age of 11 is when I became so super interested in ghosts. I found out that there was an abandoned and haunted house near our house. It used to belong to our neighbor’s mother, who passed away before I even came around. I started going over there when I was upset, and I would talk to her. It was like a daily thing.
I was even “seeing” her. I seen her in a vintage type dress and her hair in a bun. She was really nice. Then, I decided to try to take a picture of her on my old camera. Full of delight, I remember saying “smile” right before taking the picture. Then, I noticed I actually got a picture of her. She was actually smiling. It was a great picture, but something urged me to delete it and tricked me into thinking I could take a better one. I never did, though. I guess she just didn’t like having her picture took.
It was around that time that I still continued to think of how “I’m a wolf.” I realized that it was in a spiritual way. I felt more connected with myself after that realization. I definitely never forgot that and continued to always think of that. Well, of course I didn’t know better until I was older. Of course I thought physically I was somehow a wolf. I was young, lol, but at least at that time I realized it was a spiritual thing.
A couple years after that, I kinda grew out of the need of talking to that one spirit lady I was always talking to. It was at that time, however, I began to notice the things I can do are unique. I was reading people’s minds, and it freaked them out. In school I tried it on everyone, and they thought I was creepy. I was bullied and one kid even yelled “witch” in an attempt of insulting me. I didn’t stop enjoying my abilities, though. I even was called evil by a family member, but I still didn’t stop.
After being constantly bullied and made fun of, I became so depressed, and I gained anxiety too. All about the age of 13. It hurt to be thought so negatively of. I felt so suicidal and broken. My abilities then began to shut themselves down. I remember constantly trying to kill myself and I even tried running away a few times. I kept being stopped and brought back so many times, so pissed m off, because everyone was still always hurting me. I was even emotionally abused by my family. I got so fed up of everything.
In a fit of rage and fear, I remember it just like it was yesterday. After just being teased in school one day, I then got tired of the bullshit. I called out to any demon and said “I got a deal for you. You help me by hurting anyone who hurts me. You get to feed off of them while I’m happy knowing they’re hurt.” Yeah, I didn’t know the true nature of demons. I just thought of them just how I was taught by my Christian family. I just thought they enjoy hurting humans. However, I felt that I was protected by this demon. I felt scared but comforted.
Then, over a long period time, I noticed people getting hurt or something bad happening to them. I started dating and after a few boyfriends pass, I noticed how they all were getting hurt, suicidal, and/or depressed after they hurt me. When I remembered that deal I made, I felt scared and full of regret. I decided to call out the demon and call off the deal. I remember feeling how upset it made him, but I was too freaked out to care too much. I just felt kinda bad for what my exes went through because of that deal.
Then, after a while, I remembered thinking of how fun I’d be to actually have a spirit friend again. I then began attempting to communicate with anything around me. I just put so much thought into a specific spirit. Someone, who I dated, even picked up his name without me saying anything. Little did I know, I possibly created an actual egregore. I put so much thought into him, and I so badly hoped he was real. Then, at times I was hurt, I let him partially or fully possess me when I had no strength. He continued to stay with me, even though I was constantly going through so much drama and pain.
It was around that time when I began to stop being so scared of practicing witchcraft. I was on and off atheist. I never told my overly Christian family, though. After a tiny bit of dabbling in magick, I just became full of disbelief of everything. Life went downhill. I got too suicidal and depressed, because I was constantly cheated on and made fun of by people I was dating.
Then, I turned to that egregore once again. I actually was with him for some time. I was so in love, but little did I know, he was a good reason for many relationships ending. He kept me at home and didn’t like anyone who I tried being with. He then wanted to marry me, but I then was too scared. I remember breaking it off with him, and he acted fine. Little did I know, he continued to be controlling, even when I forgot about him.
Then, after a while, I finally stopped dating humans. Even though I never actually even met any in person, shit still hurt. I never even judged looks, and I was still cheated on. I dated people who I thought were super ugly, TBH, but I thought they had a fantastic personality. I never once dated anyone who I thought looked good, to be brutally honest. So, I just gave up on all that bullshit drama, because I never even held hands with anyone. I went several months without talking to anyone. I had no friends for so long. I was used to only online friends for a couple years, but after all that, I never even had any. My mental health went down. I felt hopeless. It all constantly went downhill. After years, the pain and torture still never stopped. I slowly stopped truly feeling happiness and love.
Then, halfway through last year, I decided to try and think about doing magick again. I dabbled a bit, but I wasn’t completely devoted. I just worked on opening my senses again. After a couple months of frustration, I decided I wanted help. Then, out of no where, the thought of marrying a spirit or demon then came to mind. I thought of the benefits for both, and I knew then that this is what I needed to do.
After a while of researching, it was just this year in January that I found BALG. I was researching on marriage with spirits and I found a post by @succupedia . I was excited to find so much good information. I also got so happy to find so much knowledge on magick. While I was still nervous of darker magick, I then decided to jump all in. After a while, I decided I wanted to be completely devoted to magick, because I realized how much it improves my mental health too.
In case you’re wondering about that egregore, he came back when I decided to be devoted to magick. He impersonated every entity I tried to date. He continued to try to control me. He even tricked me into marrying him, when I thought I was marrying Azazel. Then, I thought I, you know, offed him - made him walk the plank. The good ol’ ending his existence. I thought it’d be easy 'cause he was an egregore. However, that story of him still continues on to the present. I’m told he might’ve not even been an egregore at all, so he’s still around and probably trying to take me down.
Anyway, there’s my “little” backstory and summary of things. I apologize for it being like a literal book, but this was fun to write. I hope you all enjoyed reading.