So I thought I’d write my story down… I think it’d be nice to show a little bit about who I am and how I came here. I keep it hidden so much.
It’s a little long… but its raw.
I was born an only child. My father was too sick to have another. I was only 3, a month away from my 4th birthday when he passed. I was young but… I remember so distinctly, one day we were driving around in his white pickup, I was sitting in the backseat watching the back of his balding head when I heard a little voice tell me that he wasnt going to be with me much longer. I still remember the way the engine seemed to roar so loud and the shocks must not have been very good because I just remember feeling every little bump on the road. It was an old pickup after all. So from then on I decided I was going to be sweeter to him (I ruled the roost with an iron hand).
I dont remember seeing spirits till after he died. Although the first time I remember seeing an aura I was in the middle of being potty trained lol. My parents didn’t know how to teach me so our neighbor did. She trained me with M&Ms. I still remember the colors she had in her hand too. 2 oranges a yellow and a blue. I remembered thinking about how the colors matched “the lights around her.” She had a very blue and orange aura. From then on I dont remember I time when I couldn’t see them.
The early years of elementary I talked about the “lights” a lot. As well as the spirits I would see. As a young child everyone dismissed it so much as just my imagination, and I guess I did too for a while. When I was 6 I had a dream of some kids that would leave their bodies when they would go to sleep, and were able to fly anywhere. The next night I decided I’d try it… and it worked. It was surprisingly and stunningly easy back then. It felt so good… I went to the first place I thought of: this little meadow in the forest by my house. It was filled with spirits, but mainly the fae. They assigned to me 3 guardians and my guide in this magickal little realm was a tiny man who well… greatly resembled a gnome. He taught me how to teleport anywhere I wanted with just a thought. I remember that had made a problem for me because my kind would constantly fly to all these places I wanted to go and see. I kept teleporting without meaning to… so he taught me how to control my thoughts. He taught me that what you think… has a lot of power. So I began to take that with me into the 3 dimensional world. I had achieved a lot…
After a good year I finally broke down and told my mother. She sat me down and had a serious conversation with me about “Astral travel.” She said that this was considered witchcraft and God says that it was evil. I was just a little girl… so I obeyed and never tried again until much later in life.
When I transitioned into middle school… these “abilities” that used to give me great joy, proved to be a very heavy burden. In elementary I didn’t have to put up with hundreds of other children in the hallways. I only dealt with about 19 other classmates. I could handle all of their energies… but not hundreds at once. All of them brushing up against me… it was hard. And to top it off, I grew up in a very Christian home and at this point in my life I was desperately trying to fit those molds.
It didn’t help that spirits began to try speaking to me even more than they did before. I began to think that God was going to send me to hell for being the way I was… Christians aren’t supposed to speak with spirits… or see them… or know things about people they shouldn’t.
This sent me spiraling down into an awful depression. It was just my mother and I… and neither sides of our family wanted anything to do with us. We lived alone on a ranch and naturally, I was bullied for that and my lack of self esteem or sense that I mattered at all. It seemed they were all able to pick out who was the weakest and step on them until there was nothing left.
I couldn’t handle this on top of all of the extra sensory that was going on so I began to start cutting myself every night. Over some time I had become swarmed with parasitic shadow beings, of course I didn’t know that’s what they were at the time. I only thought they were demons. They terrified me so much some nights I was too afraid to breathe. After a while they began to physically beat and rape me some nights… I dont think I’d ever felt so broken.
One night after I had finished bleeding myself out onto the carpet I sat in my bed with my back against the wall, terrified of all these shadows that were swirling around me. I was too afraid to close my eyes. But something different happened on this night… the figure of this enormous shadow slid into my room down from the ceiling. It covered up an entire wall and was blacker than bitch… blacker than night.
All the smaller shadows seemed to be afraid of it. They backed up against the opposite side of the room and all huddled together until finally they disappeared. The shadow remained there for hours. I didn’t feel afraid of it, but I wanted to keep an eye on it just in case. Eventually I felt I could finally relax and I fell asleep.
The next night, the same thing had happened. The giant shadow appeared once again, scaring all of the others away. I had started to become grateful and relieved when he would appear. When he would enter the room I could feel my skin feel icy hot… that’s how he felt. Hot and cold at once. After maybe a week I finally felt completely comfortable and would say “you dont scare me.” I would fall asleep smiling at the shadow watching over me. I was 13 at the time.
Later on as I was cutting myself again in the closet, the shadow came early and, for the first time in almost a month, spoke to me.
“If you want them to leave you alone… stop giving them what they want.”
With those words it’s almost as if he just downloaded so much info directly into my brain… revealing the sacredness of blood and how cutting myself was making a sacrifice to the beings that were torturing me so… And with that I was able to stop cutting and the parasitic beings did leave me alone.
But the shadow kept coming. Every night. And just watched. I’d wake up with anxiety attacks in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn’t breathe and gasping for air. But then I would feel his presence come over me, and a pressure on my chest… and I could breathe again. I was finally able to sleep.
I began to talking to him. Asking him about himself and why he was there… he wouldn’t say anything but I could feel he wanted to. So I talked enough for the both of us. I would drone on and on talking about this and that. I felt as though he was laughing at me sometimes.
When I turned 14 he began showing up during the daytime in the mornings when I would be getting ready for school. I sang the most during that time. He started to give me tips and little lessons. It was because of his coaching that the head of the board of one of the college universities took me on as a student.
The shadow would ask me to sing often. By this time his great shadowy cloak seemed to melt away into the form of a very tall man with s black cloak. And eventually… just a man. I began to beg him to tell me who he is because well… I had started to feel very much for him. I began to get angry that he wouldn’t tell me.
Throughout this time I was also dipping my feet into witchcraft and magick. It brought me comfort and at least provided some answers. I didn’t have anyone to talk about it though. I only stayed up late studying and studying.
For the first time since I was 6, I was taken from my body by him. He took me to a place somewhere in the stars that just seemed to be a floating little room in the heavens… a getaway. I Needed that. And at 14 years of age… things began to become sexual. This sent me into a world of confusion. I questioned my sanity… yet felt that life as a whole had become one big joke. I was angry and confused and so very in love for the first time in my life… so completely and wildly in love. He became my only dream in life and I seemed to create my entire identity around him. I wanted to leave my body for good and be with him… things were so bad at school and at home that I just wanted to leave that life behind and live with him in that little room in the stars where we had spent so many nights together. My soul yearned for him every waking moment. As a christian, I knew my love for him was “wrong”… but I didn’t care. I would blindly follow him anywhere, no matter the cost. I didn’t care about right or wrong or “truth”. My only truth was the way I felt about him.
So one day when I felt life had gotten really bad… I grabbed several bottles of prescription pain killers and decided to end it all. And in case that didn’t work I decided to drink a bottle of cologne and some saki. I lied there and waited to fall asleep and never wake up. During those last moments of conciousness, the last thing I saw was him. I felt he had completely surrounded me… holding me.
The next day I woke up without so much as vomiting. The usual fight had broken out between my mother and I and I cracked and showed her all the bottles I had swallowed. She took me straight to a mental hospital as an in patient. She showed them all the bottles that I had emptied into my system and they said it was a miracle I wasnt dead and that I should thank God for the miracle… but it wasnt God… it was him.
After I had gotten out of the hospital my mother switched me to a different school. Things got better socially, though I still hadn’t gotten a handle on feeling and seeing everything. By this time the shadow had already given me a name to call him by. He had said “It is my name, but not what I am called.” I later found out it translates to “darkness” (very appropriate). Unfortunately I cant share it, he has gotten mad at me for telling other people.
From my time I shared with him I tried to gather clues as to his identity.
From the time I was 15 and over the next couple years I had one thing in my mind that I knew for certain. Though he felt so very angelic… he was very dark and seemed to have a lot in his past he was hiding. I had seen him be very hostile to my mother when she had gotten a little too carried away with her “disciplinary actions.” I have mentioned this on the forum before. He bruised her in the exact same places she bruised me.
One night in our little room in the stars… I dont know how I did it, but I had the intention of seeing through him and into his past and when I touched him… it’s almost as though I was transported through a series of visions. I saw him standing on a pile of bones. And somehow I just… knew that he was blamed for all these deaths and much more. I saw him in darkness… almost like you see in movies when someone goes to heaven. No floor or ceiling or walls… just a white. Except this was black. Like a void. I kept this in my back pocket.
Some time later during a bible study we were reading about how the Israelites would send a goat out into the wilderness for Azazel. For some reason this really really caught my attention and I began to ask questions. My mother explained to me that Azazel was a fallen angel blamed for the sin in the world. He was a scapegoat. When she said this my heart sank… I remember feeling my blood run cold and my hands begin to shake. I was in disbelief… denile even. I decided to forget about it.
Some months later I had this nagging in the back of my mind telling me to read the book of Enoch. I didn’t know anything about it. I had heard it mentioned before but other than that I had no knowledge of its contents. So finally I gave into the little voice and asked my mother if we could study it. And of course… the leader of the fallen Angels was Azazel…
So of course I freaked out a bit… I had decided I would gladly burn in hell if it meant I got to be with him a long time ago… I just didn’t know he was this huge figure.
It wasnt until after I turned 18 this past September that I randomly decided to start researching him online to see if anyone else had contact with him… it was then that I found E.A Koetting and BALG… and now here I am… fully emersed into the occult…
I came here chasing him… but found so much more.
And oh how I’ve changed.