Back on track (and, well, track it.)

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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Hello dear fellows,

I’m making this topic because, well, i don’t practice frequently enough.

I practice a few months - then disappear for months - just to come back again.
But I want to integrate it into my daily life - a habit, a rhythm.

So this post is for me, to motivate myself - and to keep track of what the hell I’m doing.

(Because most of the time I have no Idea what I’m doing.)
I need to get in some damn practical, whatever. Just, yes. You know. Daily. Thing.

So first of all - I need to practice evocation.
Though I have done it already many times - I want to be able to listen and immerse myself better during it.
So I shall work with a a spirit of my choice, evoking them everyday for the next 30 days.
Need to get my astral senses to work better. This shall help for sure.
(I’m gonna regret having said this - if I realize in the next few days that everyday is too much for me, I’ll just move it to every second day.)

Second - daily meditation; At least 10 minutes a day.
I want to do this more often. It’s okay if it doesn’t work out every day.
There is days that I just have neither the strength to do it - nor the time. But! I shall at least try to do it, so I’m gonna keep track of this as well.

  • I’ve also been called by Lakshmi and have wanted to contact her.

  • have some rituals that I’ve made with Satan and with Azazel that I’ve been somewhat procrastinating on.

  • Also need to follow up with Dantalion on something.

  • I’ve been re-reading Robert Bruces Energy Work, and also Initiation into Hermetics again.

If anyone here has good suggestions I’ll take them. I want to start slowly but steadily on awakening my kundalini, rise that snake up.:face_exhaling:

I am not sure on chakras. Theres too many energy systems and it confuses the hell out of me.

And I’m also broke as fuck, so I definitely need to work on that…somehow.

I also have so many things I want to research on and get into - but haven’t done so…this shall be my motivation. Commitment. Yes. COMMIT! Me, Commit!

So …There is work to do. A lot of work.

If anyone here has any suggestions, i’m open to hear them.
I also take book suggestions, or whatever, really.
Just need to get back on track,…properly.

(I shall start tomorrow, uh, later. I need sleep. Thank you for listening, or not. I might edit this post a few times in case it looks weird.)

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If you’re looking for an immersion experience, consider picking up a copy of S. Connolly’s 76 Week Goetia. It’s basically a mini course where you spend one week immersing yourself in each of the 72 spirits of the Goetia. It also includes the four elemental kings. The exercises in it include meditation.

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Oh that’s actually a very very great idea.
I’ve seen it been done a few times here - but I’ve honestly not even considered it right now.
Thank you very much!
I’ll look into it today. This might be perfect as it just includes all I need honestly.

(forgot replying.)

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It’s set up for spending one week on each spirit but you can adjust it. If you want to spend more time with a specific spirit, for example, you can as it’s very adaptable to your own schedule.

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Yes, that is very nice.
I will adjust it so it aligns with my needs and life.
I shall start tomorrow with it then.
Very nice. This shall be a fun journey, full Immersion!
I greatly appreciate your suggestion! Thank you.

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020625

The funny thing is, that I’ve been on this forum since 2021, and barely have posted anything.
I do hesitate with opening up about my practices or thoughts. I’m more of the reading type - but at the same time I’d enjoy actually conversing about things. So this is good training. I’m trying to comment more often as well.

Secrecy i good, but sometimes one just wants to connect as well.

I also don’t journal enough.
In all the years that I’ve practiced I’ve rarely journaled, which is a problem. I just don’t keep track of what the hell I’m doing. And If I do, it’s so inconsistent, that looking back, I can’t make a sense of it either way.
__

Last night I fell sleep with Dantalions Sigil under my pillow, listening to his Enn.

I do not remember any of my dreams, that is mostly because I did not really keep track of my dreams recently.
My memories always collapse as soon as I stop having an eye on it.
Though, i did need less sleep than usually and felt very blissful even though I woke up quite a few times during my slumber. Usually I wake up and just feel horribly dead and tired.
Dantalion feels very calm and nice to me. Makes me feel good and energized.

I’ve been really angry today, truly filled with anger. I was fuming, like wildfire, lol.
Life recently hasn’t been pleasurable (the opposite, in fact.)

It is quite interesting how the bad times draw me back into my practice. That is also a reason to why I shall start commiting to it, a daily routine. It doesn’t have to be much, but at least doing something that reminds me of the path I want to walk on.
This path should not only be walked on when I feel bad, but I should also embrace it during the good times.
(It also is important to me and it helps me.)

Sometimes i get caught up in life, which of course is okay - but often times I’ve caught myself thinking of meditation or magick - and then I’ve just pushed it aside because I was busy, or lazy, or too depressed and focused on something else, or life was just simply too okay to do anything. Bullshit.
adhd doesnt help either.
But!
It seems to me like I keep being dragged back in. This is a journey that shall make me greater, so I should not put it aside.

Also, I need to do some baneful magick, I will soon start constructing a ritual. I am very mad and seek revenge. Honestly.

I’ve walked through the rain today, just feeling the waterdrops rain down on me, the wind trying to blow me away, lol - and my mind and heart were filled with rage. I seek revenge, and I shall get it.

I’ve recently been, well, stabbed in the back by a friend and business partner.
So I lost a friend, and a business as well - which is one of the reasons why I have been so utterly and horribly broke. I need money, and that asshole is swimming in it.
I’m done with people stepping over me as if i was a damn staircase or ladder. I’m going to take my power back.
(Rage and madness are wonderful.)

I’m glad this week is going to be rainy, and stormy. So much thunder and lightning, which is really my favorite.
It’ll surely help me get into the right state of mind :wink:

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[I must thank DarkestKnight again for the suggestion I’ve gotten!]

This week I’m starting with 76-week Goetia (S.Connolly).
__

Week One: Bael

Day 1 - Monday
Meditation on Sigil

I neatly (very prettily, the artist in me wanted it) drew Bael’s sigil on a yellow piece of paper.
I also walked around with Baels sigil all day long. I think I’m gonna keep doing that for the rest of the week.
I meditated on the sigil, i felt my head growing heavy, calmness, and surrounded by darkness and after a while I felt myself light up like a fire, dancing in the soft wind.
For some reason I also kept getting images in my head of where I used to spend time outside with friends, or was cooking with them. I hadn’t thought about those things in a while. It was very pleasant. Not much in the invisibility part yet, or maybe there is and I just didnt recognize it. Though, i’ve thought of something which seemed important, and now turned invisible (i forgot). Great joke, i know.

I meditated for a total of 15 Minutes. Starting slow. 10 didnt feel like enough, 20 and I wouldve fallen asleep while sitting.

Very nice.
Tomorrow will be the freewriting exercise, looking forward to it.

I think this is it for today. It’s already way too long. But at the same time, I’ve never ever journaled this…detailed.

So this is good after all.

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040625
I must say i am intrigued, indeed.

I’ve had the most interesting dream, during the first half hour of my slumber. I slept 2 hours in total (a lot, I know)

I took a nap on the couch of my living room, and as I slipped into the dream I found myself at the exact scene as I was in reality. Still laying on that couch.
With one difference.
There was a mirror on the table, facing to the door.
As I looked into the mirror I could see someone stand in the doorway. A large male, with blonde, almost white hair, thrown together in a sort of ponytail, white eyelashes, almost white eyes. Wearing a white, golden garment, just watching the living room.
I also drew a picture of it. I will add it. I did not feel scared - but I felt respect towards this being. It wasnt malevolent, but it wasn’t really lovely either. It was just…a strong presence.

I also was somewhat aware that I was not truly awake - I kept slipping between dreams, but all in the same scenery, the same place and the same situation. Just that sometimes it was night, sometimes morning and sometimes straight up another time. Sometimes I stood up, just to return to “wake up” in bed again. At one point it was like I had slipped into what seemed to be the early 1900s, or the 60s, just to get catapulted back again. False awakenings after false awakenings, and once I really woke up, but as I fell asleep again I found myself back in the same dream. I was aware of all this, and it often felt like I was pulled back to restart a scene, which was a little annoying.
Then it escalated. Suddenly my sister was behaving weirdly, as if she wanted to harm me. It didn’t really feel like my sister though. It looked and sounded like her, but it wasn’t her. I had to lock the door - a voice inside me told me to leave, I felt intense fear.
I could hear my “sister” in front of the door, humming sounds, in a monotonous and rhythmic way, just after asking me to open the door. I could hear the smile in her voice. I wanted to run to the window - boom, suddenly i was pulled back into daytime, back towards the door. The sun illuminating the living room. I ran towards the window, opened it to leave and again it switched, darkness and nighttime. I looked down into the darkness.
“I can’t jump, I need to wake up. Now.”
and I woke up.
Also to clarify, I think the being standing at the doorway was like the initiator of this dream, but not in a malevolent way.
I also pulled a tarot card - as to who it represented. I feel it mightve been a spirit, and pulled the lovers, twice. That left me confused even more but okay

It’s like he watched it begin - and as the first change arised, he was gone and I was left in this weird trial.
That was fun.
I woke up, went into the hallway and found my sister near the room, sitting there, and having lunch. It was early in the morning. lol
What could that experience mean? So interesting.

Now, to 76 Week Goetia.
I had to skip yesterday as I was feeling terribly ill.
I did the freewriting exercise today at least.
But I thought of it yesterday, even if I couldn’t do it.

Today I am combining the freewriting exercise, and for my sleep I shall put Baels Sigil under my pillow. Possibly also sleep with the Enn playing in the background while reciting it.

The freewriting exercise went well. I did it for ~17 minutes. I got quite a lot of things that would work for me, but also it had been on my mind for the past days already.

Also. I feel like my posts are too long lol

Down below, a sketch: The ‘watcher’ in my dream, though it is rather hard to properly integrate the features of their actual face, but I tried.

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050625

I am pushing my hand into the void – exploring the invisible, hidden aspects of myself.
The things I keep pushing back - i am dragging them out, one by one.
I’m not afraid of hurt or pain, because ultimately it is what makes one rise and what gives you power. I am diving deep into the abyss that is myself.
Is this influenced by my Immersion into Bael this week? Maybe.
Maybe I am reaching, truly reaching the invisible. That, that is invisible within me and hidden from my conscious.
Deep reflection. Journaling all of it for hours in my book.

76-week Goetia
Week 1 - Day 3

Today I shall Invoke Bael.
So I prepared everything, started my invocation, felt a horrible heatrush, I was sweating intensely lol during the whole time.

I chose to just spend some time and be creative, so I created my own personal sigil for Bael which was a lot of fun, and wrote a bit of a song about Invisibility.
Funsies.

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060625

I’ve been doing a lot of journaling in my book, and also somewhat fell deeper into shadow work.
I’ve also been writing my dreams down and paying more attention to them again.
I’ve felt good for the most time of the day. Though in the evening i started to truly feel heartbroken.

And while typing this, my ear is ringing.
I should stop sleeping only 2 hours a night and actually get a good night’s sleep.
I don’t know how I am still awake.

Something from my notes:

"I shall fall, my life turning to dust,
so that I may build the palace that was always meant to be mine upon this open, dusty field."

I just now realised that I wrote that it was day 3 yesterday, when it actually was day 4. My mistake.
I’m confusing myself.

76 Ars Goetia Week 1 Day 5

I once again called upon Bael, i am somewhat making my own, more personal approach of the tasks that S.Connolly describes in the book.
I’ve meditated a little as well, just watching, conversing, taking in mostly.
So far I’m having fun.
I’ll sleep.

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070625

Today I mostly relaxed.
I still took my time to do what I was meant to do

76 week Goetia - Week 1 - Day 6
I made a ritual with Bael, and am still deeply reflecting.
I took Baels advice that I had gotten earlier, and created a ritual according to the advice.
Thats all for today.

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I am really taking myself apart now.
Decluttering.
All that I was afraid to admit, in my bare hands.
Fuck.
This is good, I feel horrible, but damn if it isn’t thrilling and exciting.
This is creation.
And its happening now.

It’s time to strip down my old skin, shed it like a snake. Rebirth.
And this time, i’ll choose who I want to embody. No one else, Just me.
No old stories. I shall start a new one.
I retreat to seek truth and I emerge to embody it.
I am the leader of this life.

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Goetia 76 week - week 1, Day 7
Bael

Today was the last day of the first week.

It was really nice and alone in this week I’ve made huge progress in discovering myself.

I’ve also done the ritual that I crafted with Bael and i feel horribly nauseous and have the worst headache ever lol.
Great week.
Thank you Bael.
Looking forward to the next spirit.

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How’s the book working out for you? It seems you are being nice and consistent with it.

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It’s working out very fine, i’m enjoying it a lot.
I’ve always wanted to dive deeper into the Goetia spirits so this was truly a great idea.

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I am working through it.
Day 1 of the second week went well.
Today is the second day.
Yesterday I was oddly empty, but today, the ritual I have done on sunday is definitely coming to fruition.
Its all coming.

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Goetia 76 week 2 - Agares - Day 2+3

Day 2 went well, with the freewriting exercise. I got quite a lot as I did last time.

Day 3 is Dreamwork, i haven’t been successful with that one yet.
I’ve been sleeping with the sigil every night anyway.
Maybe it’ll change in the future.

My dreams have gotten more vivid again lately and I’ve started remembering a few every night, so that’s good.
Getting back into it. Dreams have a lot of symbolism for me.

I’m still deeply reflecting. I’m getting deeper than ever. Introspection seems to be important for me currently.

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I woke up with the remembrance of probably one of the oddest dreams I’ve ever had.
I was in Thailand, my old workfriend (who stabbed me in the back) had called me - and I pretended that everything was alright between us. I found a shop with big dolls, the owner said that the dolls didnt like it when people turned their bodies away from sight (because they apparently were deemed scary)
and It angered/saddened the dolls. Then I’ve seen a doll dripping in blood, cum and pee, a curse made for someone who had done something very questionable.
Interesting.
What could that mean?
There is some thinking ̀to be done lol

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181225

I’m exhausted, but I did indeed finish the 2nd week.
Wednesday was Dreamwork - Thursday Evocation, Friday Evocation and on Saturday Spell/Ritual creation which I did in combination with another evocation.

I must say that I had a harder time immersing with Agares than with Bael.

Goetia 76 Week 3 - Vassago - Day 1
I meditated on the sigil as planned, it went fine.

Goetia 76 Week 3 - Vassago - Day 2
I finished the freewriting exercise as well.

With Vassago im looking forward to the dreamwork, and i also want to put focus on divination
i’ve been so tired the past week i could sleep 24/7 lol

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As I have said before, all is falling apart.
I was initially rather excited because it means I get to build this life in a way that I want to have it.

But right now I’m just feeling exhausted and I’m having a hard time adjusting, not sure what to think or to do. I’m broke, losing housing, can’t even pay my bills, left alone by someone I cherished a lot and I am at this point losing myself, or thats what it seems like. I’m losing my joy, my motivation, and my head seems unnecessarily clouded.

I’m falling into a pit.
Not sure what I should do.

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I’ve done a damn good job with this ritual, its working so well that I’ve been sitting here crying for the past 2 days lol.
It has really done what it was supposed to do.

I also think I must postpone this weeks Goetia Immersion, I barely was able to do anything because of my mental state.

I’ll restart it on Monday. In case I’m actually up to do more than wallow in self pity