Something that might be worth sharing a bit about is my past and mystical experiences. I had certain relatively small but poingnant ones through my childhood like disappearing objects, chance encounters with faith healers, and other things I didn’t understand quite as well like fantasy draws toward what could be best described ad super-women and before that sort of mother-like friend (when I was seven or eight) who used to drop by in dreams occasionally and play with me the way an older cousin might play with a toddler sibling.
I increasingly, just through various hardships and challenges, moved toward agnosticism and spent at least a few years as a somewhat reluctant but accepting atheist materialist even though admittedly there were some causal shakeups and odd events that made me wonder if there were at least deeper geometries to what I was dealing with. My autism, and my understanding (false at this point) that my validity as a human being counted on me overcoming it had me as an obsessive observer of social phenomena. There was one night out at the club with my friends where it seemed like me or just about anyone else would just about trip fall, and land in a fight, guys were accidentally spilling drinks in the purses of girls they were trying to pick up, I went home really trying to put away what a cluster it was when I saw an image of absolute perfect memory tracing all lines of causality, it zoomed out in that perfection farther and farther until I saw that it was a circular glowing mandala with a sort of neon argyle pattern on it. On another episode a girl I’d been chatting with online called me out of town to meet her, one thing lead to another and I unknowingly got mixed up with a married woman, I came back into town and friends who didn’t even have contact with each other had their lives turned upside down - one friend getting kicked out of another friend’s sister’s appartment because a third friend was smoking weed in there without her permission, another friend got hospitalized because his girlfriend beat the crap out of him, and there was other stuff that just seemed - pretty much like the boring, mundane, and predictable rules of life went out the window, a bit like I went from a flat plane through a range of mountains or possibly up or down a steep cliff. Yet another oddity was when I had a dream preminition of total humiliation, three months later a girl a friend was dating just about got us into a restaurant brawl (picking a fight with strangers over sports - no idea what her problem was), my friend (professionals of all things) wanted to stake the table out and get in the fight - I walked out because for one I never asked for it and second I thought they were all batisht crazy. The next Monday I was at my client’s place of work on very little sleep, feeling off, and I felt the strongest pull to do something inappropriate that I ever have in my life (clearly I stopped something from feeding and so it took a shot at me - failed thankfully).
Even despite those unexplainable circumstances I really was still in the same spot until someone talked me into seriously looking at NDE’s in 2012, one thing lead to another - ie. to looking at mediums, reading the Seth books, trying the Blavatsky / Bailey stuff but not really feeling it, felt like something was off so I want briefly back to Chrsitianity and read the bible several times over and it sort of came apart in my handle - largely that I just knew it was a woven braid of pagan philosophy by that point. What I think really kicked things into overdrive was reading Manly P Hall’s Secret Teachings of All Ages. I had two overwhelming experiences - one while I was reading the section on Isis and the Bembine Tablet, an absolute gale force of love and white light (quite beautiful and seductive) hit me like nothing I’ve ever felt before, and something about two-thirds that strength hit me in a slightly different way when I was reading the part about Thoth. I didn’t know what to make of it, sat on that experience for a few weeks, decided to 2nd plateau DXM (I’ve had better luck normally with lower 3rd but in this case it was more than enough), decided to try and talk to her (Isis) and what came of that day started the most unusual two weeks of my life (June 2013) where I had plenty of times where I felt like I was about ready to pop out of my body, I had a three foot radius of touch at a distance, could feel these light entities around me when they entered my sphere, one was laying next to me in bed one night and she was giggling at me in this very Buddhistic way, half impishly a bit like Eva from Wall-e, I woke up one night around 1:30AM with my heart being cradled in a sheet of energy like a mother was holding a baby, and there were at least one or two other major experiences albeit something in this also drew succubi and that sort of closed the tail end of it.
After that, and after I’d caught up on sleep (during that two weeks I was averaging something like two or three hours of sleep a night - I’ve heard flights of ecstasy can do that) it closed out. I started following trails from Secret Teaching of All Ages like reading Rudolph Steiner’s work, following that up with Valentin Tomberg’s Meditations on the Tarot, and it was the combination of Tomberg’s Martinism and some things Hall had said about the tarot being like a set of lock-picks for the brain, that made me settle on reading some of Paul Foster Case’s work and joining BOTA (and I joined AMORC the same month - mainly because they had a local body).
I had one other experience in this array, January 2014, which was the boldest and most intense vision of Isis/Mary/Sophia that I’d had to date - I’d come home from work tired, easily went into a border state while I was meditating, and saw myself on an empty plane staring forward, felt that same friendly/maternal pull I’d recognized from my dreams or occasional pulls during waking life in my childhood but far stronger, playfully urging me to look out the window, and TBH her robes were such bright white that I could barely look - it was like fresh snow at noon time on a mountain. She was holding and directing the wing of the plane, I looked back and one of my friends was there as well standing back awestruck.
2014 was where things started to get darker, I had some other experiences in 2015 and 2016 but they decreased in quality, went much more toward the shadow and the demonic (certain problems in my life were pushing me in this direction), and as far as I understand it - there is a ‘normal’ to this sort of cycle. I’ve met one or two guys who’ve had an encounter very similar to mine and they ended up down the road getting into grimoires, Luciferian philosophy, and had problems off and on with meth and heroin, and my best guess is - it’s very difficult to be ‘here’ after that sort of revelation without having the darkness magnified in comparison or, maybe another way to put it, the vision of Isis/Sophia could be the front side of a big wave where the back-side of it is shadow.
I could say more but I think that pretty well describes a fair amount of where I’m coming from, although I’ll add one more thing - my work life has been hell. Graduated highest honors from business school in 2006 (graduated high school in 1998 and couldn’t figure out what I wanted to be), had a dead-end job for six years that I didn’t know was dead-end until I tried to apply for other jobs, temped at dead-end jobs for six years, found out the work world wasn’t about accounting for your other performance but it was how well you made people you had no authority over do their work, I ran into people constantly who wanted to destroy me just for being there or being the slightest bit different, and the current job I’m at now and during 2018 was the worst nightmare of my life as far as work goes - ie. not only trying to learn a computer language I didn’t know on the fly but pretend I’d known it for years, for a client who already wanted the moon on a stick and wanted to pay next to nothing for it, so I worked like 80 hours per week for six months straight, and if that wasn’t enough I had two or three coworkers who really seemed like they wanted to slit my throat and drink my blood. Somehow that mess passed, just about lost my health over it, things started to turn around in late spring, but needless to say - it’s been rocky.
The fun part as well - being near 40, living at home (largely because of all of the financial volatility), and I had significant anger issues that caught up with me a few years ago that I had to wring out - part of why I started working with Lilith. To say I felt betrayed by life and the world I lived in was an understatement, and it’s not like I was interested in playing the victim - it’s more like these emotions were based on accurate observations and there was no way I could bury them, they had to be processed.