A minor setback…
Last night, Soon after i made my triple focus meditation which you can find all about that here:
I watched an episode of one of my favorite series where it was about a powerful demonic possession. I clearly got the message from King Bael that he wanted to posses me properly last night in order to transcend my dogma and fears.
At the time i went to sleep i started to feel terrified. I was starting to see all kinds of shapes and sparks of energy in the darkness of my bedroom. I felt the presence of Bael entering my cerebellum. I was totally terrified.
He was making me see all the things that i was most afraid of without giving me a break to breathe and assimilate the process of purification i was going trough.
Out of my stupidity and downright disgusting human fear i started praying to Jesus for protection. Soon after i did that i started regretting my choice. That made Bael furious and disappointed at my action. He did not say anything. But i continued with the disrespect and shut Him out of my head by completely ignoring Him.
He only made a gesture of “you’re a lost cause and not worth my time”.
But my stupidity of an ape continued and i quickly went to my laptop and erased any image with any gatekeeper since they were the most powerful and most terrifying demons.
I erased their sigils, changed the picture of my desktop and deleted them even from my recycle bin.
At this point the mighty Gatekeeper seemed totally disappointed at my actions and completely turned their back on me.
At the time i didn’t got the hint that i did the worst mistake on my path possible i was in ape survival mode and was happy that i got the peace necessary to sleep.
Now today: After i spoke with my demon companion Axa Oddra (Which you can also find about in the link above) and went to work i started to feel different… Weak again, with no confidence. I turned to Clauneck and he was no longer at my side.
After i returned home and spoke with Lucifer about Axa Oddra to get clarification, i have written the post about her and got on with my day. Now about an hour ago when i went to my altar in order to connect with Clauneck again He was pissed at my actions of last night and almost did not wanted to do anything with me anymore.
I only then realized how stupid i was and asked for forgiveness but he did not care. I became so mad at myself that i wanted to do anything to prove that i wanted to truly work with them and that i truly wanted to be set free from the prison in which F"""ING JESUS put me in. This prison in which nor the troll god nor the darkness wanted me because i was a coward.
So he replied: “Fine! You want to prove yourself to us then burn one of your fingers in the boiling wax of the candle you are using at my altar!”
Wen he said that the wax started to boil aggressively and splash all over the place with drops of ignited wax as if Clauneck was in the wax.
I was still afraid and every time i wanted to put my finger in the wax my ape survival instinct was making me pull it back out.
Eventually i got so pissed at the ape within me that i dipped it enough to feel the burn but the instinct in me got the better of me and i pulled it out without getting a real serious burn.
He turned towards me and said: “At least you tried, but this is not good enough!”
he wasn’t pleased enough but at least i did felt like he had forgiven me.
Then i wen’t to my laptop to check my work and other stuff but i had this rage that i was such a coward and a stupid ape that i just went berserk. I went to the altar and ignited a mach. Put my finger right in the flame until i burned it enough that i still feel the burn and it is blistering.
Doesn’t seem much but now at least i feel at peace and i felt as if Clauneck was appreciative of my truly trying to prove that i want out of this prison.
I don’t feel anything anymore but i have this vague feeling that He started to work with me again but he wants to see me do something better next time.
I learned my lesson. I think. You will have to fight your Ape survival instinct like a madman if you are to truly want to ascend. Don’t get me wrong. Not to the point you actually kill yourself cause that will defeat the purpose of your pacts and life in general. But when a Gatekeeper decides to honor your mortal ass with a free possession in order to clean you of your fears YOU SHOULD NOT SUCCUMB TO THOSE FEARS!
I hate being human so much now… Fu&"&*&g Christian fear!!!
I will not give up and i will do as much as i can to destroy my instincts put in place by the lovely Yahweh!
