Another sad sack wondering if the spirits/magick can help

First off, I should call myself out as a stranger in a strange land. I’ve always been fascinated by this side of enlightenment but I’ve never done more than google, read, and talk to a handful of practitioners. I definitely don’t mean any trespass or disrespect being here as I’ve always been interested as an observer, but recently I’ve been just trying to think a little broader.

I’m in my 30s and I got out of a long term, traumatic relationship about a year ago. It was the type of thing where I went along with a lot of stuff because it was going to end in marriage, it was going to end in a family, and for a guy like me to have a dream come true, it would be worth it. Well, eventually, it wasn’t anymore. And eventually, my immune-deficient family members needed someone to take care of them during all of this, so I made the decision to come home and take care of them, which has made getting back out there hard.

So, to the point and why I’m here, a little high, a lot miserable. About ten years ago, I was looking into spirits, succubi, etc, and I felt… hesitant about committing to anything because of the bad stories I’ve heard and a couple I’d witnessed. And by all means–the bad stories seemed to be from absolute dumbasses who didn’t act with respect and didn’t know what they were doing, so they ended up way over their heads when they probably just wanted to bang Morrigan from Darkstalkers without realizing there was someone with feelings on the other end of their orgasm. (I did ghost hunting in my area for a while, and two of the cases where there was actually something was determined to be that after a little bit of prodding.) Anyway, I ended up finding a blog where a fellow talked about his day to day life with his partner, a succubus, and he very kindly let me ask him several questions about everything, and if she had the energy, she would give her advice as well. And, frankly, her advice set me on a path that was very successful and… happy. I asked him if a succubus would right for me, when at the end of the day, I hope to get married and have kids some day, and I don’t want to take advantage of anyone, nor do I want to offend or get in over my head. And she said, I remember it almost exactly, “You have a very kind heart. I would love for one of my sisters to spend time with you, but I do not think this is the right time for you. I think you would be happier with a human girl for now.” And within a month, I met the a girl I spent a very long, happy time with–which definitely didn’t feel like a coincidence, not one bit.

Well, these days… I’m mostly at home and miserable. I’m fulfilled in many ways. I’m creative every day, I’m helping my family, I have time to check in with my friends. But I feel awful about myself. I’ve regained much of the weight I lost and all the time I spend on dating apps is filled with people either instantly unmatching me, or taking the time to tell me I’m fat, ugly, or a loser. I definitely don’t think I’m bad looking, but all of that has dragged me down to the point that I hit my lowest low and hired an escort yesterday. That’s not the low point–I have nothing but respect for sex workers. But I was very honest with her. I miss the actual intimacy as much as I miss the sex. I miss hugs, I miss kisses, I miss someone telling me that being a nerd isn’t horrid and that my writing is going to make a difference, I miss someone who isn’t related to me giving a shit about me, I miss feeling sexy, I miss feeling desired–not just my body (which, granted, is a bit of an ask), but who I am as a person. And I told her that I’d pay her for her time with no expectations, just hang out with me, have food, talk to me. But at the end of our time, we didn’t have to do anything physical if she wasn’t attracted to me. It was a fun two hours. Shared food, watched a pretty great show on TV, laughed a lot, and… as our time drew to a close, she said that she appreciated being asked for full consent and said that she’d prefer not to do anything physical. Which, I mean. My spirit still feels good, but I feel somehow even worse about myself, even lonelier.

And now I’m left where I was 10 years ago. I’m in therapy for lots of stuff, but I don’t know what can replace the touch of a lover. Googling around, finding out about spirits, magicks, wondering if it’s safe, wondering if it’s right for me. Worried about taking the plunge because I just don’t know enough of anything and I don’t want to disrespect anyone I invite to my home, as well as not knowing what’s appropriate or not with a house with two older folks and our various animals. Searching led me to a lot of weird Reddit threads, a lot of conservative religious sites giving warnings, and eventually, here, where it seems like there is a thriving, warm, helping community. I know very little, and what I do know is known as an outsider. Can anyone here help me? Am I totally barking up the wrong tree based on a couple of blogs a long time ago?


I will tell you right now that a spirit relationship is NOT a replacement for a physical one. You will not have the same sense of touch or interaction as you would with a human partner so please don’t assume that you will.

Beginners tend to get themselves into trouble because they jump into relationships with any spirit that will have them, and more often than not, those spirits turn out to be parasites that are pretending to be something else so they can feed on their life energy. We get a fair amount of such people coming here, and they don’t listen to experienced mages who try to help them.

You have taken a great first step in asking for help from experienced people rather than reading random fanfic web pages or reddit.

@succupedia is our resident succubus expert. He is married to two wonderful ladies, Lilith and J. I am sure he can provide you with some great advice on how to get started with a spirit relationship in a safe manner.

@Lux_Tenebris is married to a demon king, and, while their husband is not the same as a succubus, they do have great insight into spiritual marriages, and can provide you with some hard earned knowledge about the work that is required. it’s not fantasy fulfilment and there is always a give and take, same as any relationship.

Hopefully, those I have tagged will drop in to offer their sage advice, and help you find what you are looking for.


Thank you for your time and for the pings. I’m very much willing to learn, but I’m not willing to be dumb about it. I certainly didn’t want to come off as the type that comes in hoping a quick lay will solve my problems–I’ve spent a lot of time looking into this and I don’t know anything about it. I appreciate your insight!


Agree, but it also works the other way around, my friend. There’s been a few going from spirit relationship to humans, expecting similar or better experience. I think both kind of relationships sets a bar, which none can replicate or replace fully.

When it comes to the physical aspect, it’s more about your senses and whether you use it to the full potential. Some people feel more, which makes it just as physical as human touch, but it’s more common that there’s a noticeable difference between the two.

The biggest difference, as I see it, is how initiative plays an important role with spirits. They often take the active role by touching us, and we take the passive role to affirm and acknowledge their advantages towards us. And the more we engage in these roles as a starting point, the more we can learn to reverse and being active and passive at will.

There’s things to consider before even starting this, and the most important thing is your intentions and what you think you will get out of this.

They’re sensible beings, very emotional and very committed once they made a choice to be with us. Sometimes, their commitment and attachment to their interest shares similarity to “parasites”, at least in behavior. If you can tolerate this kind of closeness and deeper connection, then it’s not at all considered a “parasitic behavior”. Some people value space and privacy and others like that kind of bonding and closeness because it gives value to them.

Like all relationships, there’s sacrifices and compromises and this is no exception. They have feelings, too, and they have made their share of sacrifices and compromises to be with you. Give and take, right?

Do more research before making any decisions. There’s more to these beings than sex, even if it is a vital part of their culture.


As @DarkestKnight has already mentioned, I’m in a spiritual marriage (I’m female btw) and just to give context, I did not have any intentions whatsoever to enter into one. It wasn’t even something I knew was possible at first. I went into this friendly ”business“ relationship because I’d had toxic relationships, romantic and otherwise, that caused me a lot of pain, and I was at a point where I felt I needed self-improvement more than anything else. I’m mentioning this because I get a profound lack of self-esteem from your words, and I think it’s something you need to address first and foremost before considering a relationship, spirit or human.

I agree that spirit relationships aren’t a substitute for human ones; they shouldn’t be seen as an escape from the human world, and spirits - while they’re not judgmental and shallow like humans on a physical level - aren’t always going to shower you with gentle kisses and throw rose petals at your feet either.

Here’s what I sense very strongly about you: You’re kind, but you aren’t relying enough on your ability to sustain yourself emotionally, to use the words of my spirit husband who once said to me: ”Fill that hole in your soul with love for yourself“, meaning you should first go inward instead of outward. You are at a point where you need to decide which version of yourself you want to keep cultivating. I know this sounds strange, but this just came to me clearly. Let’s disregard appearance for now: What type of man do you think a woman is attracted to? Someone who is desperate for affection and sex, or someone who projects a confident ”I respect you, but I don’t depend on your approval“ attitude? I don’t think I speak only for myself when I say it’s the second.

Concerning appearance: you’re clearly not happy about gaining weight, so the only thing I can say to that is: find a balanced diet that works for you, and do some type of physical training that appeals to you and fuels your metabolism. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme or super intense, just 15 minutes a day will make you feel so much better. Trust me on that, it’s going to positively affect your body image and help you be more focused and less prone to wallowing in recurring, depressive thoughts. You don’t need muscles of steel to get girls to find you attractive, but someone who’s unhappy with their body will project that immediately. Today’s so-called beauty standards are perverse anyway, and while there is a kind of healthy narcissism that reflects self-care, there is an extremely unhealthy prevalence of soulless, vapid bullshit that couldn’t be further removed from true beauty (this goes for all sexes btw).

Speaking of which: Dating apps, like all social media, are filled with dull, superficial narcissists who think slapping a filter on their face will make them look ”beautiful“, and they’re quick to insult others because of their own insecurity. Not saying everyone on there is like that, but these apps are made for people looking for quick hook-ups purely based on physical attraction.

As someone who used to be bullied for being ”ugly“ and later called ”hot“ and had guys interested in me for nothing but my appearance, I give zero value to the opinion of others. It’s not that I don’t have an ego, but being desired by random dudes isn’t my idea of boosting my ego or self-worth. A spirit won’t judge you for being overweight or not ”hot“ enough, but if your relationship is anything like mine, they will judge you for not being your best self, which is something I also heard from other people with spirit partners. Slacking off and letting myself slip back into inertia and depression isn’t tolerated, and I have willingly committed to a path of constant self-evaluation and improvement by saying ”yes“. However, I can’t rely on my partner (especially not a human one with all his flaws and hang-ups) to make me step into a higher, stronger version of myself. I have to be willing to do that, and do what it takes, and my spirit partner is helping me immensely, but not when I sit back and expect Him to do my work for me.

If you’re creative, create something that fulfills you. Create joy and beauty, no matter who sees it. Be the center of your attention and care, no matter how much you are there for others - never forget what you need and what fills your soul with bliss. A girl is just that, she’s not a goddess or a therapist or a magical being who will make your life wonderful just by being there. She has her own struggles, and a partnership is only going to work if two people are on their path to individuation and decide to share some part of themselves with another, but they’re still individuals who are complements, not crutches, for each other.

Imo, you should take time to become the best you that you can be, and find contentment in being by yourself for as long as that’s the case. One year out of a traumatic relationship isn’t that long considering how many years it can take (sometimes even a lifetime) to overcome certain painful experiences.

If you want to work with spirits, I can’t say anything about succubi because I have never dealt with these spirits, and succupedia knows all about that, so I would definitely take his word on that. But if you decide to go with a spirit that’s more of a teacher type, then approach them from a standpoint of ”I want to improve myself and see through all the falsehood that holds me back“ - and get ready to have your most precious illusions shattered. This might lead to you no longer wanting what you thought you absolutely needed in your life, and seeing yourself and your whole world with different, more discerning eyes. You might transform yourself into someone you maybe, faintly, sensed you could be, but were too timid to tap into. This also opens you up to human relationships that are on a whole different level with people of a much higher caliber.

Here’s a thread I made, inspired by my spirit husband, where I have also shared a few things He told me about relationships:

And this is my contribution to the spirit relationship topic in more detail:

As for a pragmatic, non-magical but highly psychological approach, I recommend looking up Jordan Peterson on YouTube.

I hope this was somewhat helpful and I also hope you can fill that ”hole in your soul“ with the love and the beauty that resides in you first, to have it then mirrored back by an equally beautiful human (or non-human :wink:) being.


Thank you so much. That was beautifully written and, frankly, probably what I needed to read. I … yeah. I don’t know how to explain this without sounding weird, but I’ve always had presences around me but have never tried to actually commune and over the years they’ve had an ebb and flow to them. Recently it’s been very intense. I’ve assumed that’s because of the daily emotional rollercoaster–I feel fulfilled helping people, I feel great being creative, but I feel empty as I had so much self worth in being decent looking and now there’s no validation, ever. I ended up here just because of how things keep lining up, the most recent one being a chance, random encounter with an old friend who dabbled in magick talking about how fulfilled she’s been. But yeah, as nice as the sexual release is, it’s definitely 90% more of an emotional fulfillment, trying to find a connection, and it was probably a bonehead move to try and dive right in to the world of spirits for that.

Thank you for your words and for the reading you put together. I have a lot to think about. Today feels like a better day.


I have a lot of experience with this particular demon. I’ve had MDD, GAD, and PD my entire life. I had my first suicidal thought at age 7 and the suicidal ideation didn’t stop at all until I was 40. I was briefly hospitalized in my 20s and I have experienced the horror that is psychotic depression.

I also have a long standing, very loving relationship with Lilith and other demonic spirits. My familiar is a succubus. I know that sounds nuts; but here I am.

There are no quick fixes here and I can only offer you what’s worked for me as suggestions of potential things to try. They may not work for you. That said…

  1. Magic is no substitute for traditional medication and therapy. You will hear lots of horror stories about medication messing with your psychic senses. I haven’t found that to be the case. If anything, having my shit together has helped me see things more clearly, magically and otherwise. It’s not “magic or…” It’s “magic and…”

  2. You need to do some shadow work. Some of what you’re experiencing is undoubtedly the result of the part(s) of you that you don’t recognize or like throwing up roadblocks to get your attention. My own relationship problems didn’t really start to resolve themselves until I confronted that “horrible, perverted demonic thing” that I kept locked up deep inside and realized that it was the real me. My passion is my superpower. I tried denying it. I tried containing it. It drove me literally mad. What I learned from Lilith and Asmodeus is that I need to aim it.

  3. Spirit relationships are not a substitute for human relationships. One of the big “secrets” is that they envy us for our flesh because of this very point. There is no substitute for real, meaningful connection physically, emotionally, and spiritually with another human being. What the spirits can help you with is the afore mentioned shadow work as well as forcing you to confront any toxic beliefs you have about sex and love. It is not pleasant; but it is necessary. I jeopardized friendships. I ruined potential relationships before they even had a chance to start. But I had to work that stuff out before I could learn how to have a healthy relationship (romantic or otherwise) with healthy boundaries and a healthy respect for boundaries.

None of this is easy. I don’t envy you. It is, however, doable; and it sure beats the alternative. If you ever need someone to talk or even just vent to, don’t hesitate to let me know. Good luck and the god in me hails the god in you. :metal:t2:


First, my hat’s off to you for being a fighter and sticking around. I’m in a similar boat and had my last thoughts about 7 months ago. That’s when I decided to take myself off of the pills the doctors gave me and try other means (cbd mostly, and I’m still on a few necessary meds, but the anti-depressants either made me completely numb or more depressed, and they never listened to me when I said that’s how I felt.) I don’t recommend it for everyone but it worked for me, and though I may be -sad- now sometimes, I haven’t been horribly depressed in months. I’m glad you’re around to tell your story, sir.

I’m not sure what shadow work is but I’d be interested in looking into it. This sort of realm is the type of thing that I have always tip-toed around but have always felt comfortable in. I alluded to a “ghost hunting” passtime in my original post and I was sort of the odd-man-out in our group–we’d be going in to places and my group would freak out from the energy, and I’d be steady, just saying “Just respect it, let’s figure out what’s going on,” though there were a few times I may have shrieked like a 7 year old girl. That’s where my first almost-interaction with a succubus came in and why my mind had always gone back to them when I get lonely. It was this guy who was… well, he was many stereotypes, but he was lonely, and he just went on google, found something that worked, and invited something into his home. He’d let things get a little out of hand and clearly had no idea what he was doing, and yeah, when we got in, you could FEEL the air. It was like walking through Florida in June, just so heavy. My group freaked out, but I felt oddly like… I was okay being there. Like almost welcome. And that honestly scared me more than being scared would have, but it was all quite undramatic, but I just remembered feeling an odd sense of familiarity and that planted the succubus/spirit world in my mind.

Sorry for the side-track, I figured extending on my … not really experience, but field trip? Might be helpful. Where would you start? Would you be willing to DM or is there a helpful thread?


Here you go, our collection of beginner’s guides.


Thank you! How wonderful. You’ve all provided me so much help, positive thinking, and reading.