So I’ve become aware of some things that I should have considered before that I didn’t even realize were options for things. I’ve also remembered some things that I had forgotten. I am now more aware of some of the causes for issues in my life that I didn’t necessarily realize were issues.
It’s good because I know what to work on now, but it’s bad because I had forgotten how lonely I really am.
Week 2, Day 5. Tofiel.
I called upon him as normal, it went well.
First thing I feel is a calming sensation, like I’m being filled with room temperature water from my chest and it’s pooling out slowly. I’m noticing a slight sensation of disassociation with my physical and mental selfs (as one does when they enter a light trance state). My brow is buzzing, which seems normal. My heart area is buzzing too a little. Everything feels chill, it’s kinda nice actually, relaxed, but lucid. Makes me want to take a nap. The crushing fear of the sociopolitical situation in America and what it means for my life has seemed to lessen a bit, it’s still there, but it doesn’t seem to be hitting me as hard as usual. I’m just vibing.
Apparently Tofiel’s area of influence is fear and contentment, so it makes sense that I feel the things I’m feeling.
Week 2, Day 6. Nagriel.
Another solid invocation. Another step closer.
I feel an almost subsonic thrum in my ears, like someone is blowing a dog whistle in the same room as me kinda. Thoughts of conversations and words and conflicts past flow through my mind. Ambitions realigning with the realms of what I can currently reach for. I see my kingdom growing within the space of my mental sight. My brow buzzes slightly. My body aches with the struggle of rising above what held me back in the past. I feel eager at the thought of struggles of the future. My ambition demands control, of myself, of my kingdom, of the world, through treaty and treachery and trials of fire. I feel eager at the thoughts of conquest. I feel giddy at the dreams of twisting the world. I feel despondent at the feelings of what may be lost to me. I feel desire, for the riches of the land.
Ambition. That is what I am.
Later today, after I get off work, I will be doing the unification of the second week’s powers to properly integrate them.
I did the second unification rite of this operation. I called upon the last six angels I’ve bound, and commanded them to unify their will with mine within the sword, rectifying any imbalances that may otherwise have occurred.
Then I commanded them a task, as one does.
Today will be the start of the third week; things are starting to heat up. My ambition has been stoked and I’m shaking off my lethargy. I’m gaining momentum in my life, and hopefully I won’t lose it this time.
Week 3, Day 1. Nachliel.
I called him forth, and his invocation went well.
I feel slightly detached from the world. My awareness is more internal than external, even as I write this. No, my awareness of my internal self has came to the forefront of my attention. My brow buzzes and my heart aches. My ears keep popping. My brow is buzzing more strongly. This detachment feels more intense, like I’m in a stronger trance state. I’m feeling my own emotions breaking through my control over them, like a storm surge overcoming a levy. I am feeling a portion of what I have been repressing. My brow is buzzing even more strongly, and my focus on the external world as I type this is fading slightly. I need to go meditate or something.
I’ll post an update tomorrow.
So yesterday’s invocation caused me to realize some things that, in retrospect, were super obvious. I hold myself back too much, I worry too much about what I might do and it hinders me, I bottle up my emotions and then never express them. I must stop doing that. I will stop doing that. I am done holding myself back and to hell with whatever may come as a result. I am going to be true to who I am without repressing things for the convenience of others. I am going to grab life by the soft-bits and make it work for me. My passions will run wild as I wield my will like a sword in battle. No more of this hesitating on things, no more putting myself second to the situation at hand, no more keeping my heart locked within, what may come will come.
I feel much lighter than I did before. Emotional realizations like that are pretty intense and can make a massive difference in outlook.
Week 3, Day 2. Gavoriel.
Another smooth invocation.
I feel calm, slightly detached, but not too detached. My brow is buzzing lightly. My thoughts are calm and there’s no background thoughts clouding things up. I can feel my surroundings as if they were part of myself. This is really weird, but I feel calm. I can feel a slight smile on my face. I just feel peaceful. The stresses in my life are still there, I can still feel them, but it feels like they are being eroded slightly, and I feel balanced.
Week 3, Day 3. Dahniel.
The invocation went smoothly, although it was curious; my ears felt like they needed to pop a lot during the invocation.
Besides the ear-popping thing, I feel focused. My brow is buzzing lightly. I feel much like the previous invocation, but less calm and more active. Focused direct thoughts without background thoughts interfering. Calm, but not overly peaceful. All of my problems are still there, and I can feel their pressures as clear as before I did the invocation. I feel stable, but fluid. I again can feel the things in my immediate vicinity as if they were a part of me, but instead of a feeling like a touch on skin, it’s more like a feeling of a touch on the back of a fingernail; there, but muted slightly. I also feel tired, but that’s probably because I am tired, more than the invocation making me feel tired.
As an aside, I’m slightly shocked at how deeply these invocations are affecting me actually. Not the effects themselves, but how strongly the effects are hitting me.
Week 3, Day 4. Yehodiel.
Another easy invocation.
Right out the gates, I feel a slight detachment of sorts. When I focus my vision on something, I see double, but the double gives details about what I’m looking at if that makes sense. My brow is lightly buzzing. I keep mis-typing words, with the wrong order of letters, which is very abnormal for me. I feel clearer inside, like when you clean your house and it feels better than before you cleaned it. The crown of my head is lightly buzzing too. I am also kinda getting that seeing things through walls thing going on again. I feel like I want to sit down and contemplate the universe. This isn’t unpleasant.
Week 3, Day 5. Kevashiel.
The invocation went smoothly.
My thoughts keep turning to old discussions and interactions where people misunderstood what I said, situations that bothered me. I feel like I’m supposed to recall how they went and accept that they occurred as they did. I’m a bit frustrated. My brow is buzzing. The crown of my head is lightly throbbing. I feel tired. I feel like I need to shed the weight of regretful interactions.
I’m going to go meditate on these things and work through them. Obviously these things were bothering me more than I thought…
“Angel of Surrender”
To overcome destructive obsessions
Seems about right.
Week 3, Day 6. Shahariel.
This invocation went as well as the others.
My brow is buzzing. The crown of my head is buzzing too. My vision feels like it’s lagging slightly, like when I turn my head my vision takes a second to catch up. I feel like there are lines connecting me and everyone I know, and those lines are pulling from me and pushing into me at the same time… It’s weird, I know they are the lines of relation between me and everyone I know, but I’ve never really been aware of them like this. I can’t tell which lines are leading to who yet, but I can feel them. I can see them in my mind’s eye as I look over myself. My heart/chest area feels like it’s buzzing too. I feel a bunch of other sensations that I can’t describe into words, and I think those are the most important too…
If I figure it out I’ll post more about it.
So I’ve realized that by focusing on the lines, I can tell the exact status of the relationship between me and the person on the other end. I’ve also figured out that the lines appear when I meet someone and disappear if that same person goes away (like customers at where I work). It makes sense, that a temporary relationship like a employee-customer interaction would end as soon as the interaction is over with. This is gonna be interesting to explore today while I’m here at work.
Just finished the third unification rite.
I feel energized, and hopeful.
The tasks I set the last six angels to provides great promise for me and for the benefit of my future endeavors.
Week 4, Day 1. Berachiel.
The invocation went well, smooth and steady.
My brow has been buzzing for the greater part of the day because of something unrelated, but it did just start buzzing more strongly. My sense of touch seems more sensitive. My ears are popping a little bit. I feel the air flowing in my apartment, it’s super weird, like the air itself is an extension of my sense of touch or something. My focus is shot, too much sensory information is making it hard to focus on writing what I feel. I’ll update tomorrow.