My life has not always been so great. I’ve been getting into researching magick to find unorthodox means to live a relatively normal life - I aspire to vacation, have a love interest/interests, and think and react and feel like most mundane humans do.
However, things always tend to blow up in my face. I’m left looking dumb and with my feelings and ego hurt.
Innate feeling I have to care and think of the best interests of everyone.
Yet, I think the worst of myself - like negative manifestation.I think the worst;the worst happens.
I know that most humans do not operate like this;I know that I will be and look the fool for taking the path of least resistance forgiveness and kindness.
I’m living in perpetual hell.
Any experience person’s would like to pinpoint rule where stems my issue?
Can give me a pm
You do not think you are worthy, and you do not think you matter. Persistent personal denigration has shaped your habitual thought patterns to the point where it could be bordering on a personality disorder. The psyche is misshapen because it was smashed from the beginning. Asymmetric asphyxiating assumptions always abound among those who call you family and friend. This void created by others is reactively filled by hyperemotionalism, the subconscious thought is- “If I don’t care for myself, who will?” But this manifests in self-pity, and that outward display is what others disdain, though you may not intend to show it.
You have the appearance of a wounded animal amongst carnivores.
I have nothing to add here in terms of help, though I wish I could. But I want to say @10_EMPATH, please know you are not alone. I hate that you think of yourself this way and im happy that @Post_lux_tenebrae was able to shed some light on the matter. Sometimes what we need is a ‘Stranger’ telling us exactly what we need to hear at the exact right time. I do hope you will be able to see your own worth sooner than later and can start building yourself back up. Not only do you deserve that, its your right! Best wished to you!
Unfortunately I can’t fully answer your question, since I am not privy to your personal circumstances, but I can share some of my own experiences, so maybe it can give you some food for thought. What has worked for me when my life was literally in tatters was finding something new I could master and focus on. The process of learning helped me to numb the pain, while seeing myself growing gave me the strenght and tons of self-confidence. When you focus on something new you stop constantly rethinking and reliving your “hopeless” situation and why the things aren’t the way you want them to be, which can help to calm yourself down. When your life is going south you may not feel like pushing yourself or trying something new, but that’s what worked wonders for me. Pick anything: start attending dance classes, learn programming, divination, painting, Swahili, lift weights, you can even plant something on your windowsill and become responsible for maintaining new life, there certainly are things you could excel in if you only wanted to. Another important part is don’t do it for any reason or with any expectation, just for your own enjoyment or betterment, cut yourself some slack and start another page, you are never too young or old for that.
Well, almost every single sentence you wrote here would explain to yourself where you are going wrong. It is your mindset that trips you up at every corner and you seem to be blinding yourself of your own value.
If I were you I would get a pen and a piece of paper and rewrite what I quoted from your post, but this time, repair each and every one of those negative sentences into the opposite, positive viewpoint.
“However, things always tend to blow up in my face”
Into something like:
‘Things always tend to go my way in the end’, or,‘Things always have a way of working out how I want them to’
By doing this, you are actively, physically and mentally bringing positive changes to your viewpoints and by pushing yourself to keep telling yourself these new viewpoints you will absolutely start to see positive changes in what you experience and to what you can expect in the world around you.
Do that rewriting exercise for each negative statement you made in your post and also for any other negative comments you find yourself making and see how it feels.
If you concentrate on how you say things with the intention of it becoming what you want rather than what you don’t want, there will be times when you sense your worth much more and you will feel free to act like you can expect the best outcomes from any situation you find yourself in.
I have some what of a similar situation. I deal with autism. I won’t go into detail, but I feel like I’m being punished for something. When I try and come out of my shell, something bad tends to happen and I revert back to self isolation. I’ve always felt like I identify with the tieflings in dnd.
The universe is rife with evil, that punishes personalities that have done nothing.
Usually in some twisted form of past life “karma” or apparently even karma from shit your parents done, when you aren’t either of these people, or some other shit I’ve heard.
It’s usually the best people that get this shit, because those are the ones that can handle it, it’s a fucked and brokenly disgusting system built by some deranged freak.
So no ur not a bad person, you’ve just been mercilessly abused all your life so much you’re starting to think ur the problem, even though you’re not, try this video and try to learn it’s lessons, it may help.