I was just thinking about how much work it was to stop my drug of choice (CM) and how it affected me magickally, physically, and spiritually. With the help of the energy that I have come to feel as Azazel-Lucifer, as well as my spirit guides, I have faltered enough to come to the conclusion that I simply cannot moderate the use of that particular substance. I was thinking and certainly hoping to find a “Magickal” spell or ritual I could do to find the inner strength and ability to moderate, but each time I would start again after a long break, it seemed to begin all over again and I didn’t want to stop.
There were times when I went for 3-4 days and then the hallucinations and uncontrollable manifestations were unbearable. This happened repeatedly for over 1 and a half years, then I finally got to the point where I called out to Azazel-Lucifer and pleaded for help.
What I heard in my mind was, “we can’t take away your free will.” So I responded, “but if you don’t I will die, because I feel out of control.” The reply I heard was, “I’m sorry but we cannot take away your free will, you have to do the work.” And my response was, “then please, my free will is that I would like for you to take away my free will and distract me with other things, so that I might not have a chance to use.” I didn’t want to wind up in the hospital or having an accident, or some other major “distraction”, so I added, “my free will is for you to make me feel the desire to not want to use, as if it were my own free will.”
I heard, “I will have to see what we can do.”
I can only imagine there are many, legion, at work for me on this. The initial result was not too apparent, but what happened was they (Azazel-Lucifer, Spirit Guides) seemed to let me fall flat on my face several times more even when I thought they had taught me to moderate. I would plead, “please can I just do it this once, I promise I will stop after 1 day.” Their reply would be, “we think you can do it…go ahead and give it another try.” (Lol…!) I thought, what? “Wait a minute…you guys are supposed to be stopping me no?” Then 3 days later I’d be back to the turmoil all over. I finally realized they were giving me the lesson of tough love. They knew I couldn’t do it, and we’re allowing me to learn the hard way, so I would finally get tired of the screaming voices, poltergeist activity, uncontrollable manifestations, and more that made each time I would try to use for pleasure instead of Magick, a miserable experience.
I am not the recovery poster child by any means. Perhaps one day I will be able to moderate my using, and or just use for Magickal purposes, but in the meantime I need to work with them and get their support almost daily to remember where I can go with it. I can be way to functional and get so much more done in life, Magick and on a spiritual level than I can using. I don’t want to lose this level of Magickal productivity. Nearly 60 days, and I haven’t touched my DOC. I can moderate alcohol which I struggled with for years. But I can’t do that DOC.
I throw my story out there for two reasons. I did the 12 step recovery thing for so many years, wound up in and out of treatment centers, both in and out-patient. Been there and done that. Don’t want it again. And I hate labeling myself “Addict”! My spirits and Azazel-Lucifer say we don’t ever have to label ourselves that if we work hard enough. So, I choose to create this thread for those in need of addiction support who may not want to label themselves, who may not want to go to a 12 step meeting for the same reasons I choose not to do that (or other), and for those who may just want a more laid-back digital recovery approach to help aid them in their battle over a DOC, whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, spending money, gambling, or whatever. I wanted to reach out and say hello, say you’re not alone, and you can accomplish being clean and sober or just clean or perhaps the right person can be just sober or even moderate! Who knows? Until someone tells me of something different, I choose to stay clean as I don’t want to take a chance. And that’s for now. Some day Magick may present me with another option, or science, when it catches up to Magick.