A Walk Between Worlds

Alright so I guess this is my personnal journal :face_with_raised_eyebrow:
I thought it would be a good idea for me to start writing what I do during the day, my experiences, or even my thoughts. I had the idea to write one since a while, but couldn’t make up my mind to do it, wasn’t confident enough. Did it change ? Well, not really, but I think it will help to motivate me to keep up with what I want to do.


This journal is going to be a big mess, a bit of everything because ehh, why not, it is mine after all. There is a lot of things I want to write already, but I will probably start by the very beginning of my path.
I do learn fast, but I am far from being experimented, so bear with me please :laughing: We all start somewhere I suppose.


Don’t feel bad my journals are a big mess too :laughing:

But there is a method to the madness .


Oh yes I’ve seen one of yours but hey, it’s a GOOD mess :laughing:
My mind is a real shit show most of the time, there is everything in there so, my journal has to be exactly like that :ok_hand:


And so with this post, this is the end and the new beginning of something. I dare talk about who I am, my past and my wounds to some complete strangers I will probably never meet. If you do not wish to read it, you may turn around.

The Beginning

There is a start for everything, and I believe a meaning for a lot of things in our lives. During my whole life, I’ve tried looking for it everywhere. During my childhood, I was an outcast, I didn’t fit with other kids around me, always prefered the company of older people. I loved talking, loved learning things I didn’t know, I wasn’t interested in all the day’s bullshits I could hear around me. Because I didn’t fit with my peers, I lived on a lonely path during most of my life. I always was interested in spirituality, since I was a kid, but I never found someone with who I could talk about… Everything I had in mind. So many questions, to which no answer was found.
I cannot remember when was the start of all of this, it was probably since my birth honestly, but I do remember the end.

I started not going to school when I was 14, not sure why, probably because I was tired of all of this and I just wanted to escape in video games. Never wanted to admit it, using the excuse of school anxiety. Tried going back every year, but I would just stop again after few months. My mom was furious, she did not know what was going on, and wanted me to talk to her. I wanted to, but I wasn’t even able to understand what was wrong with me so, how could I have talked to her about my problems ? We often say that love and hate are really close to each other, and that is true. For years we were fighting, I would scream at her, or even tried to hit her (which I never did fortunately). I wasn’t really angry at her, but at myself.

Between my 16 and 20, I live the worst years of my life. I was in deep depression, not going to school anymore, spending all my time on the PC and not going outside at all. No friends, no work, no money. Nothing. I still didn’t know what was wrong with me, thought I was useless.
I was wondering why the fuck I was here. I was suffering a lot, not a day would pass without tears, or without me insulting myself. I was hoping to get some help from something, or someone. Didn’t ask for much, I just needed a proof that there was more to that life.
I wanted to run away, to end it all. There was nothing for me. At some point, I thought I became crazy, so crazy that I wanted to smash my head on the walls. But I didn’t like physical pain, so I never did it.

Start of 2019, when I was 20, things got suddently better. I don’t know why. But after maybe 3 or 4 months, everything went down again. And me who thought I could never go lower than that… I was wrong. I planned to end my life for the new year, tried to give it few more months before it would happen, no idea why.

One night, not different from any other nights I had before, I had a dream. It was simple, no details, just a name on a black background. Belial.
Woke up from it, and after Googling it, I ended that with a big “What the fuck”. Was I scared ? Well not really, that is the weird part. I was interested, attracted.
And so debuted my looong journey of research. But when you google demons on Google, you do not get the best result. The first things you get are “They are bad, they will kill you” and blablabla you know the story. I wasn’t really satisfied with that. I ended up buying the Goetia, because my big brain thought it would be a great idea to summon that demon who contacted me and have a friendly conversation with him. Yeah, don’t say anything.
But even then after reading it, I was like “Fuck, that’s not how I want to do it”. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I kept searching. It was like a feeling in my guts telling me to continue, that there was way more. And some more researchs later, which were literally months, I found BALG. Started reading one post, then two, three, four and continued. That was it.

Without even realising it, I was feeling better. No more dark thoughts, no more anger, no more sadness. I had found what I was looking for. A path, a family I dare say.
He probably has his ears ringing with all the thanks I give him, but without him I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t say he gave me a reason to live, he did not take my hand either, but he openned a door for me and showed me that there was more behind.


I’ve liked that song for a while. Touching song for a touching entry, Mei.


I agree with Arianna, I just have journals so I can ramble to myself…Endlessly.


Yes, I wanted to add that song to it, felt like it was a pretty good fit :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:


So two weird things happened today.
I was talking with one of my colleagues at work, discussing about a new job I might get, and some other things. Nothing crazy. Then I wanted to mention the name of someone, a superior we had in the past, but impossible to remember his name. Like I had it on the tip of my tongue but impossible to get it out. Out of nowhere, Belial’s name pops in my mind, for no reason whatsoever. It kinda freaked me out in a positive way.
The thing is, he gave me a lot of signs few months ago (mostly in dreams), and for some time there was nothing at all. It didn’t bother me that much, I thought maybe he just wanted to see how I would react, or wanted to give me more time… I don’t know ! :woman_shrugging: And since few days, I’ve decided to finally get the train started, and stop wondering if I am ready enough, or if what I do is good enough… So I don’t know, just a thought.

For the second thing, I am not the type of person to see signs everywhere, I am quite blind with that kind of things :rofl: If I see a feather, I am not gonna be like “OMG its a sign”, or if I see some animals. But while I was on my way to my work, I see a white feather just flying down from the sky. It was going straight down at start, and after maybe a second or two, starts literally flying in my face, and I am not even joking. It really surprised me.
So I mean… I have no idea if there is any connections between the two (do demons even send signs like that ? :rofl:), or if it’s just in my mind.
Either way, it got me really confused :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

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Fun fact, after the events of yesterday I decided to draw some cards from one of my oracle decks (which is an angel deck). First card was “Spirit guides” and the second one “Guardian Angel”… Hmmm… :face_with_raised_eyebrow:


Performed an evocation of Belial yesterday night, I kept it pretty simple as I am not super experienced yet in that area. Nothing crazy happened, I didn’t sense much beside a small shift in the air at some point, but I still exposed my demand to him. The night was quiet, no dream that I could remember.

There was a slight problem though, insecurities started to show up. What if he wasn’t there ? Maybe he isn’t interested to work with me anymore ? I wish I could slap myself in the face sometimes.
Like, sometimes while I would meditate, I would try calling him and I knew he was around during that time, so why do I doubt myself so much right now ? It’s really hard to fight those insecurities, but at least I am aware of their presence.


While I was at work, thinking about yesterday night, an idea came to my mind. To just draw some cards, and ask Belial if he had a message for me. While I don’t trust in my senses fully, I trust a bit more what I get with my cards, even if I am not a perfect tarot reader.

  1. Five of Water reversed
    It talks about being consumed by fear and doubts, unable to climb up the ladder, feeling like there is no hope in the moment. In reversed, it means that even though it’s okay to have moments of doubts, I shouldn’t get drowned in them and stop having a victime mindset (that one hurts).
    One line in the guide book is actually talking to me quite a lot “There comes a time when we must unlock the emotional chains that bind us and walk free of them”.

  2. Three of Fire
    This card talks about practicing, experimenting. To close my eyes, and trust what is coming towards me, trust what I cannot see yet. I am the one building my path, not others. I have to explore.

  3. Queen of Earth reversed
    This one talks about being generous, kind. The Queen of Earth is a mother, she is nurturing, wise and honest. In reversed it means few different things, one being to stop hiding, isolating myself. I should reach out to people who loves me and supports me, that I am not meant to be alone. A second one I thought about could be a lack of grounding, which would make sense. I don’t really know how to interpret that card.

  4. Seven of Fire reversed
    Talks about intuition, signs, “coincidences”. To trust what I receive and that only me knows the answers. In reversed, it tells me to look around me and find the truth. What am I feeling about this situation ? I need to listen to my senses and stop ignoring them.


A big journal mood, tbh.


Pretty much yep.

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Since yesterday, I’ve started going back on the basics again, on my foundations. I’ve realised it is not that strong, and I think I could benefit a lot from going back to it. I’ve tried to rush everything, with all my excitement but the result is that I just wasted more time than anything else.

When I say back on the basics, I mean from the very start. Doing simple meditations for example. Most meditations I find needs to visualize something, but I just can’t do that as I do not see anything when I close my eyes. So I am just going with the flow, and focusing more on my body, and the energies around me.

15 mins meditation
Started by counting backward from 100 to 0, did it in english as I have to focus a bit better for that, which is perfect so my mind doesn’t wonder around that much. As I was fully relaxed, I focused on the top of my head, to try to feel the energy above it. The energy I felt was heavy, but not in a negative way.
After some time, my body started to heat up, almost as if the temperature in the room was going up. At the end of the meditation, I could feel some tinglings in my ears, mostly the left one.

Might do more before I go sleep.


Don’t give up!

Inner vision can come from different spots in your mind, like the front, middle, or the back. Sometimes you can be seeing something, but not actually seeing it, because you are trying to see it from, say the front, when it is actually in the middle. I think, aside from people who genuinely can’t visualize, a lot of people focus on only the front of their mind and then get lost in the blackness of their eyelids, trying to see “in front” of them, and then they think that they can’t see anything and get frustrated, thinking they’ll just never have that skill.

The next time you try to visualize, try visualizing something that you know very well, like your pet or your room. Try seeing it in different parts of your mind. If you can’t see it in the front, try moving to the middle, and then to the back. You can do this with your eyes both open and closed, it’s good to practice both ways. Once you are able to locate where your inner vision is strongest, work on developing and strengthening that area and then move onto other areas. Eventually you’ll be able to project the visuals outside of you and even receive them that way as well.

Maybe you’ll find out you really are someone that genuinely has no inner vision but but there’s also a chance you’ve just been focusing too hard on the wrong spot in your mind, so don’t give up on it just yet.


That’s kind of you but I have aphantasia :sweat_smile: I really can’t visualize anything. But that’s okay, I go around it now. I’ve tried for years, not understanding what it was to visualize something, I thought I was just dumb honestly :rofl:
That’s why now I just work with the energies directly, more trying to feel something than seeing it.


Why do I love this song so much ? :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

As I said above, I am not able to visualise things, so either I imagine it or I try to feel it. Either way, I never get to see something when I am trying. But sometimes I do, when I meditate, or when the image is being sent to me by other than me, like a spirit for example. But it’s not actually seeing it, more like a precise thought which kinda make form in my mind, I don’t know, weird to describe it.

I had a short meditation tonight, nothing fancy at all. After few minutes, there was a picture in my head, a closed gate. For people who have seen Full Metal Alchimist, it made me think of that directly, which is a funny association when you know what the gate is in this anime. I didn’t see any details, just this. But it is not the first time a gate like that appears to me, it is the second time, the first time appeared in a dream and Azazel was heavily involved in it.
I don’t know if there is a meaning to it, I will try to dig deeper later.


A lot of things happened tonight, lot of dreams. In the first one, it’s like I would see someone telling me to meditate on the gate I saw yesterday. So I guess that’s a good hint that there is more to it. Just need to find out what.

For the second I am not too sure what happened, if it was even a dream, as it felt quite real. I would wake up in my bed, try sitting up and feel like my body was vibrating. It sometimes happens to me when I am “in between”, about to astral project (which I dont control). At some point, I got dragged off the bed. I wasn’t scared, just confused. Started calling my protector, which asked me once to call him if I need to, thing that I have done few times. I didn’t feel like he was here, which confused me even more.

Then a cat showed up. Long hairs, full black, and he was big. Almost bigger than a Maincoon. Its like he was flying in my room, before starting to stare at me. I didn’t feel any aggressivity comming from him, but he was powerful, I could feel it. Then out of a sudden, he became a fully white kitten, small enough to sit on my hand.

like this, but way darker


Thats a dollar store lion, not a cat. :joy: