And so with this post, this is the end and the new beginning of something. I dare talk about who I am, my past and my wounds to some complete strangers I will probably never meet. If you do not wish to read it, you may turn around.
There is a start for everything, and I believe a meaning for a lot of things in our lives. During my whole life, I’ve tried looking for it everywhere. During my childhood, I was an outcast, I didn’t fit with other kids around me, always prefered the company of older people. I loved talking, loved learning things I didn’t know, I wasn’t interested in all the day’s bullshits I could hear around me. Because I didn’t fit with my peers, I lived on a lonely path during most of my life. I always was interested in spirituality, since I was a kid, but I never found someone with who I could talk about… Everything I had in mind. So many questions, to which no answer was found.
I cannot remember when was the start of all of this, it was probably since my birth honestly, but I do remember the end.
I started not going to school when I was 14, not sure why, probably because I was tired of all of this and I just wanted to escape in video games. Never wanted to admit it, using the excuse of school anxiety. Tried going back every year, but I would just stop again after few months. My mom was furious, she did not know what was going on, and wanted me to talk to her. I wanted to, but I wasn’t even able to understand what was wrong with me so, how could I have talked to her about my problems ? We often say that love and hate are really close to each other, and that is true. For years we were fighting, I would scream at her, or even tried to hit her (which I never did fortunately). I wasn’t really angry at her, but at myself.
Between my 16 and 20, I live the worst years of my life. I was in deep depression, not going to school anymore, spending all my time on the PC and not going outside at all. No friends, no work, no money. Nothing. I still didn’t know what was wrong with me, thought I was useless.
I was wondering why the fuck I was here. I was suffering a lot, not a day would pass without tears, or without me insulting myself. I was hoping to get some help from something, or someone. Didn’t ask for much, I just needed a proof that there was more to that life.
I wanted to run away, to end it all. There was nothing for me. At some point, I thought I became crazy, so crazy that I wanted to smash my head on the walls. But I didn’t like physical pain, so I never did it.
Start of 2019, when I was 20, things got suddently better. I don’t know why. But after maybe 3 or 4 months, everything went down again. And me who thought I could never go lower than that… I was wrong. I planned to end my life for the new year, tried to give it few more months before it would happen, no idea why.
One night, not different from any other nights I had before, I had a dream. It was simple, no details, just a name on a black background. Belial.
Woke up from it, and after Googling it, I ended that with a big “What the fuck”. Was I scared ? Well not really, that is the weird part. I was interested, attracted.
And so debuted my looong journey of research. But when you google demons on Google, you do not get the best result. The first things you get are “They are bad, they will kill you” and blablabla you know the story. I wasn’t really satisfied with that. I ended up buying the Goetia, because my big brain thought it would be a great idea to summon that demon who contacted me and have a friendly conversation with him. Yeah, don’t say anything.
But even then after reading it, I was like “Fuck, that’s not how I want to do it”. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I kept searching. It was like a feeling in my guts telling me to continue, that there was way more. And some more researchs later, which were literally months, I found BALG. Started reading one post, then two, three, four and continued. That was it.
Without even realising it, I was feeling better. No more dark thoughts, no more anger, no more sadness. I had found what I was looking for. A path, a family I dare say.
He probably has his ears ringing with all the thanks I give him, but without him I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t say he gave me a reason to live, he did not take my hand either, but he openned a door for me and showed me that there was more behind.